No Christmas Gitfs for my 19 year old daughter that does not follow my rules

Cindy - posted on 12/05/2014 ( 6 moms have responded )

3

0

1

My 19 year old daughter has been very defiant with ne this year. She stays out even after I have asked that she come home every night, does not follow curfew rules, has not done well in her first semester of college due to a boyfriend or better her not having her priorities in order. Would it be wrong for me not to buy her anything for Christmas and just give her a card?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Mommyof3amazingboys - posted on 12/05/2014

33

0

3

I think she will be mad at you for a long time if she doesn't get a gift for xmas. Since she is an adult she can do as she pleases and yes has to make tons of mistakes to learn. Since she is living with you she has to respect your rules if she don't like them and can't respect you it is time for her to get on her own and see what it really is like to live. I know you love her but she needs to either listen or get out. Tough love sometimes. As for xmas it shouldn't be included as her punishment.

Ledia - posted on 12/05/2014

204

0

1

First, a Christmas gift is just a gift. It isn't a requirement, and it DEFINITELY isn't an expression of love. So whether you want to give her a gift or not is up to you, but it isn't a proper discipline method for improving bad grades or making curfew.

Gift giving at Christmastime is a way to show people that we care about them. If she puts forth the effort to get a gift for you, to show you that she cares for you, goes out to buy it, wraps it up, and all that, and you just hand her a card on Christmas morning that symbolically says, "I don't care enough about you to bother with a gift because you broke my rules." She is just going to get pissed off and rebel against everything you ask her to do because she is going to feel like you only care about her when she is perfect, that you only love her for her accomplishments, and that you won't support her when she is messing things up.

She's 19. She NEEDS to make some mistakes. Let her make them, and let her learn from them. If you can't let her go on missing curfew or making poor grades, you can give her consequences, but they can't just be unrelated consequences made up on the spot--they have to be predictable, and related to the offence. Sit down with her, outline what you expect of her, and explain the specific consequences of not following the rules. Write it down, and both of you sign it.

For example, you said you locked her out a few times after she broke curfew. If you know she has a safe place to go, say "I will be locking the door every night at 1am (or whatever time). If you are not inside, you cannot get inside." Although I would think at 19 she'd have a key to the house....
If you are paying for any of her luxuries or giving her spending money, you can tell her that if her GPA falls below 3.5 (or whatever), that you will stop paying for any unnecessary expenses.
This puts the decision and the consequence firmly in HER control.

Dove - posted on 12/05/2014

11,676

0

1349

Well... she has learned from you that you don't mean what you say and will not hold her accountable for her actions... so if you want to not give her a gift as a way to punish her for your failings... have at it.

Dove - posted on 12/05/2014

11,676

0

1349

Of course it would be wrong. Is your love of your child dependent upon her behavior... or is it unconditional?

She is an adult. Set up a contract w/ her on reasonable guidelines to be living in the house (like letting you know what time she will be home, so you do not worry and getting acceptable grades in school in order to have free room and board) and if she does not follow those rules she can find other housing arrangements. Then let her live her life, but don't base whether or not you get your child a gift (no matter if the kid is 1 or 31) on whether they do exactly what you want or not.

6 Comments

View replies by

Wanda - posted on 12/05/2014

72

0

4

It actually saddens me hearing this. My kids r not perfect, but u have to remember that our children represent our parenting. Her actions are all reactions to your parenting. Easier to blame her then to look inside yourself and see where you have gone wrong. Read, ask and learn better ways to communicate and hold onto your consequences. When you don't u loose respect.

Perhaps gift ideas that she can use to make you two closer such as a spa day or movie night .. But no gift is painful and humiliating. Do unto others as you would have them do unto u. Yes. Even our kids. Life does not have to be a battle rather a path you both help one another walk.

Cindy - posted on 12/05/2014

3

0

1

I love my daughter and understand that she is an adult but I have spoken to her numerous times on the issues and have asked her nicely to please respect my rules.

I have locked her out at times for coming late. I have asked her to call me when she will not be coming home. I have even spoken to her about her staying out and sleeping over her boyfriend's house. Its gotten to the point where I asked her to leave and go live with her dad because her not following my rules in my house. She just brushes it off every time by saying she is sorry but then a week later she is back at it again.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms