No dad is better than a part time dad

Jahz - posted on 04/12/2015 ( 33 moms have responded )

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I have read all these comments about dads that are not their. I am in the same position... And I just want to thank all the moms who gave their opinion on the issue. I am now at a place where I am cutting my child's father off. I believe she is better off without him.. She's only 3 and she will ask for him.. He will come to where we live and not visit her. He is inconsistent with visiting her.. To me she is better off without him. She will understand later when she grows up.

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Jodi - posted on 04/17/2015

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Don't get me wrong, he sounds like a total ass. If he chooses not to see the child, then there is nothing you can do about it, really. But you can make sure you don't deny him if he has a change of heart and decides he wants a relationship with his child. And if you go to court, you can try to request supervised visitation if you believe he is of harm to her (you should not be the one supervising - it should be someone he has no manipulative control over).

Jodi - posted on 04/16/2015

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Here's the thing Jahz. Most of the mothers who have commented here "get it". They totally understand why you feel the way you do.....but they also understand that the law says you don't have that right.

But the only person who commented on your post who you agree with hasn't had that child grow to adulthood and resent her yet. It happens, I assure you. I've seen it. No matter HOW much you think your child loves you and has a great relationship with you, she will not understand,

Stephanie - posted on 04/16/2015

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Sometimes we as mothers make it hard for the dad and the child. Just because the man does not cater to your every whimper does not mean he does not love his child. I know of this woman she has three kids with this guy and from the beginning they were never a couple he had other women and other children. However, the kids are now 21-14 and the father has about 18-19 children. She feels like he is supposed to drop his old lady at home and all his other responsibilities because her kids are in need. But wait a minute, it would be no problem if she knew how to talk to the man and maybe he would do what he could do. This woman threatens him and his new girlfriend. First off, nobody told any woman to sleep with a man make babies and not know if he was the type to stick around and take care of them. I do not think it is right for any woman to dictate the future of their kids by the relationship that they had with the father. I mean we can make it hard on ourselves. In the long run the kids start to resent Mommy for being evil to daddy and keeping daddy away from us. So think about it. Do not be selfish.

Dove - posted on 04/12/2015

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It isn't your right to deny your child a relationship w/ HER father... She is likely to 'understand' that YOU are the reason she doesn't know the man... vs. HIM being the reason she doesn't know him. Now... that might work out in your favor, but it is highly likely that she will resent you and your interference and blame you for the rest of her life.... and cut out contact w/ YOU when she is an adult.

My kids have a crap father who is off and on involved (more off than on). My son is 7 years old and has only spent a grand total of 3 months of his life w/ his dad. Guess what? My son LOVES his father very, very much. Now... I highly suspect that as he gets older he will understand the extent of the situation w/ his father and he may or may not want anything to do w/ the man as he ages, but one thing is certain... he will NEVER be able to blame ME for who his father is and the relationship that they do or do not have.

Jodi - posted on 04/12/2015

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You don't have the right to just cut the father off. The court can make that decision, but you can't. If you decide to do this and the father takes you to court, he can argue parental alienation. He has a right to see his child. You are actually wrong about no father at all being better than a part time father. My son is now 17 and he sees his father maybe 5 or 6 times a year. He has been inconsistent all of his son's life. They have a good relationship. Part time dad was better than none, I assure you.

She won't understand why you made the decision FOR her and took away HER right to have a relationship with her father. She really won't.

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Stephanie - posted on 04/20/2015

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First off you should take your own advice. You said you did not read my post you laughed at the first sentence or whatever you said. So yes I thought you were rude and did not understand my logic I did not pinpoint you I was speaking in general in my first post and I even gave you an example but you did not read it. However, when I respond with my thoughts you act like I urinated in your cereal. Come on you want respect-give it. How did you think I felt with your comment to me. I am offended because I am a mother and I tried to do the same thing you did and yes it was the wrong decision and I made it right though. I will not ever belittle myself and think my opinion is better than the next person. This is an open forum if you do not want to read what I have to say you could have scrolled by. You had the nasty attitude.

Yvonne - posted on 04/19/2015

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Jahz, would you like to hear from a woman who has been in your daughter's position? I can't obviously tell you how she'll react or how she'll feel when she's older, but I can give you a pretty good idea of how these situations can impact the child, if you're interested, of course.

Jahz - posted on 04/19/2015

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Michelle I hear you, I understand and I am aware of where I post and whoosh respond... But Stephanie sounds like she is taking this thing personal....

According to her.. All I do is make wrong decisions.. Now she has no idea who I am or what decisions I've made. She's offensive and rude. She even thinks she knows exactly how my child will react when she's older. Go tell her what you just told me about the thumps.. She has no right to judge me.. All other ladies said their peace with no judgement.. She could have done the same.

Michelle - posted on 04/19/2015

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Jahz: No need to get nasty to others. Please read the no T.H.U.M.P.S policy we have.
This is an open forum and when you post here you invite people from all over the world to comment. You are going to get comments you don't like but that's the chance you take when posting in forums.
You have been given advice about taking it to court, and that's what you should do. If you don't believe us then speak to a lawyer and don't ask a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Jahz - posted on 04/18/2015

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Laughing Again! It's women like you I can't stand! I don't care what you care about! Your opinion does not affect me and there no way an idiot like you could know how my daughter will react in the future. You sound like you'd let any scum bag raise your kids.. How About you see yourself out of this convo! Still laughing.. Lol lmao

Stephanie - posted on 04/18/2015

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If you would have read my post you would have known I was speaking in general. Let's see how funny it is when your baby girl grows up and find out you kept her from her dad. Then if we are still in the Circle of Moms you will be complaining and moaning about the pain in your heart because the child you loved so much to deprive of her dad is disrespecting you. I don't care if he is good for nothing or worth a million praises... you laid up with him, had his child, all these were the choices you made. Obviously you feel like you made the wrong decision seems to me wrong decisions are all you make. Now laugh.

Jahz - posted on 04/17/2015

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No I am not missing the part about taking home to court I did say I will take the necessary steps.

So allow HIM to make that decision. Don't continue having sex with him just so he will show an interest in the child. If he chooses not to see the child, that's his choice. But you don't have the right to make that decision for him.

Did I not type that I did remove the sex and he hasn't called her or visit her or check on her. He does not care... I also said I would not stop him from seeing her if he wants to. I won't tell her he abuses me, but he does it around her and his older kids so as she grows she will have that around.. I don't need that for her. so when she's bigger I know it will be no different, I know he will still be abusive with me as she grows. LET ME JUST PUT IT THIS WAY. Any woman that has a kid with him, I HAVE LEARNED THAT IF THERE IS NO INTERCOURSE HE WILL NOT Go see his kids...DONT ASK ME WHY. Maybe a man or one of you ladies could explain that part for me. If I decide to move on with another man, I know he will definitely never ever want to see her, that's how messed up his mentality is, it is so stupid, BUT IT IS MY REALITY!

Jodi - posted on 04/17/2015

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So allow HIM to make that decision. Don't continue having sex with him just so he will show an interest in the child. If he chooses not to see the child, that's his choice. But you don't have the right to make that decision for him.

"Are you guys missing the part where I said he is abusive and controlling.I am trying to save her from a future of hurt, but I am open to the possibility that she will be hurt either way."

Are you missing the part where we are saying you need to go to court and have this taken care of at a legal level? Him being abusive and controlling of YOU does not mean he shouldn't have access to his child.

" When she becomes a woman she will respect the fact that I refuse to stay with a man that beats me, talk down to me and belittle me."

Yes, but only if she knows he is abusive toward you. She is likely only to know this if you tell her, or if you continue to allow him to be this way toward you. Getting those court orders will help prevent this from happening.

Also, there is a difference between you refusing to stay with a man who does these things to you, and you refusing HER a relationship with him.

I, too, left a marriage where my ex became abusive toward me. But he is not abusive toward his child. Just because he is an asshole to me doesn't give me a right to make a choice on behalf of my child that he doesn't deserve a relationship with his dad.

Jahz - posted on 04/17/2015

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Raye, it's so complicated. When he gets upset and doesn't get his own way.. He rejects her.. For example, since I decided never to have intercourse with him again. He hasn't called her. He hasn't checked on her or come to see her. When he is in a mood he denies her( I have no doubt that he is her father, I planned her) but when he's upset he denies her, he will continue this until she is old enough to realize what he's saying: I don't want that for her. I would do a paternity test, but I already know the result, so I told him to test her himself.. But that just pisses him off more. I have no time for games:the day the woman uses the kid to hold a man, but I believe he is using our daughter to play games and tug at me.If he wants to see her honestly I won't deny him that right. He has issues.. And like you said she will be hurt either way. Based on the way he is I think it's easier this way because she is young. He has older kids who are not too fond of him due to his behavior toward them,and attitude. He is abusive.. Are you guys missing the part where I said he is abusive and controlling.I am trying to save her from a future of hurt, but I am open to the possibility that she will be hurt either way. When she becomes a woman she will respect the fact that I refuse to stay with a man that beats me, talk down to me and belittle me.

Valeria - posted on 04/17/2015

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I am going through the same thing, but I do work with women who have been in this position and have family friends who have been through it. Let the father be there if he desires to be, your daughter wont know it yet, but when she is older she will realize who was with her through all of her life, she will put you on a pedestal for being a great mom to her. Don't prevent things from happening, I know because I was doing the same thing and I am slowly trying to let things go the way they have to go without me preventing them. I know as a mother we are very overprotective specially if we had no help from our childs father. The way I felt was he had no face to even demand anything with my son because he was simply not involved in anything. He got what he got because it was his choice, was my view, but you also have to think about your daughter, she needs a father. Do it thinking 100% in your daughter not him. She will grow up and understand on her own, but let her see things on her own time when she is older. Otherwise she will recent you later or blame you for things that weren't your fault. I know I have thought about all of this myself. it is hard, but unfortunately we as mothers cant provide 100% of our child's happiness, even though I wish we could.

Jodi - posted on 04/17/2015

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"Hmm.. Maybe she will maybe she won't! To protect her it's a risk I'm willing to take."

So you are willing to risk parental alienation and therefore potentially lose custody of your child, and if not, having your child resent you later, rather than consulting a lawyer and taking the legal route?

Good luck with that. I guarantee your child won't understand if you cut him off and then lose custody because of it. Is that a risk you are willing to take?

Raye - posted on 04/17/2015

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My parents got divorced when I was 6 years old. My dad and I weren't that close (he wanted a boy) so when they split he didn't want anything to do with me and my mom moved us two states away. He called a few times, and tried to manipulate me against my mom. His new wife (woman that he cheated on my mom with) would send birthday and Christmas cards for a few years, until that stopped too. She was his 4th wife. Her kids were grown, and they didn't have any together. My mom was his 3rd wife. He had two kids with his second wife, and when he left them, their mother ended up with a drunken abuser and they lived in squalor... sometimes going without electricity and water. The mother left with that man to another state and her 16 year old daughter stayed behind and was on her own. He still does not want anything to do with them, and when my sister had tried to keep him updated on his grandkids and great grand kids, he accuses her of wanting money and pushes her away. He also has a son with his first wife that he refused to claim as his and no one in the family has been in contact with that boy.

Getting back to my point, other than moving to be closer to her family, my mom did not keep my dad away. He chose to cut us from his life (even quit his job to stop the child support payments). I don't recall her ever bad-mouthing him and from the limited contact that I had with him I was able to form my own opinions. For example: I took a trip down to see him once (8 hours one way), and he didn't even invite me into the house. We talked for about 15 minutes in the driveway. He's a jerk.

Although my dad wasn't physically in my life for most of my childhood, it was still hard growing up and not being able to share accomplishments with him, not being able to make him proud, not being able to have him comfort me when I was sad. And I had a lot of unhealthy relationships with boys because I was trying to fill a void and used sex as a substitute for love. I tried to get attention from a lot of guys (even if I didn't sleep with all of them). VERY unhealthy.

So, if your child knows her father at all (and you said she will ask for him) you may not be making it easier by cutting him out of her life. If he does show up, and she can get some kind of affection from him and if he makes her feel like he does care even the slightest little bit, it could be better or at least no worse than if he wasn't around at all. She's going to be hurt either way. Kids always have questions. But she doesn't need you pouring over all the gory details of how her father is a jerk. She should be allowed to form her own opinions and come to her own conclusions about her dad. First-hand knowledge is always better than second-hand information. She will have a more personal experience, and not wonder "well, what IF...".

That's just my two cents going from my own experiences.

Jahz - posted on 04/16/2015

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Hmm.. Maybe she will maybe she won't! To protect her it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Jahz - posted on 04/16/2015

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Stephanie: you make me laugh, I ignored your comment after reading the first line. I don't want him or want him to cater to me. It's not about me it's about his child...

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I keep reading how keeping a father away is this horrible thing, but I don't think it is wrong. My father was in and out of my life. in and out of prison. He put my mother trough hell. And now he started his own family. I have a daughter of my own who is a year younger than his. I agree. a part time father does not do anything for the child. what parents wants to answer your child when they ask where is their dad why isn't he here. don't you think it will break there hearts knowing that it was the fathers who only wanted to see there child when it was convenient for them??? when she reaches the age to understand just tell her who her father is and if she chooses to find him and have a relationship with him then that is up to her. But as of right now if he doesn't want to be around her that that's his loss.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/16/2015

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Not yelling, Jahz, emphasizing. There's a difference. Doesn't change my opinion of mothers thinking that the kid is 'ALL MINE'...

If you have honest to god proof, then by all means, use it, but don't pull the usual bullshit of "I had this baby and she's ALL MINE", because that, my dear is bullshit, any way you slice it. If you have incontrovertible proof of him being a danger TO THE CHILD, then you can request supervised, but otherwise, You need to abide by orders. If he chooses not to, that's on HIM, not you, and you won't be held responsible for his failure to appear. But, if you don't abide, and he chooses, he could get you for parental alienation and have YOUR rights limited.

Raye - posted on 04/16/2015

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If you don't have sex with him, then he won't visit her? Sex should not be a bargaining tool. And your daughter is not a bargaining tool. He either wants to see her or he doesn't. Don't prostitute yourself out to try to make him be more involved as a parent. If you got court orders for visitation, and he chooses not show up, that's on him. You can't be held responsible for that. And if you have court orders and he tries to take more time, then you take his ass back to court.

Also, if your child needs medical care, you take her. Don't wait for him. Tell him this is what's happening and then you get your child the care she needs. I wouldn't care if I got beat bloody for doing it, I would get my child medical care. If she died while you were waiting around for him, then that would be every bit your fault as his.

Go to court, present any evidence you have to the judge, and then do your part of what the judge decides. You worry about you and the child, and let him worry about him.

Michelle - posted on 04/15/2015

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What we have said is you don't get to chose to keep the Father out of your child's life.
That's for the courts to decide.
What you do is get yourself a lawyer and tell them why you think his visitation should be restricted or supervised and then they present it all to the judge. The judge then makes a decision based on all the evidence.
Do it the right way and then you won't have to involve your child in adult business.

Jahz - posted on 04/15/2015

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Shawnn calm down. Take a deep breath, don't judge me you ain't my GOD don't yell at me cause I ain't your kid.

Jahz - posted on 04/15/2015

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Evelyn he's the one doing the playing.hea the one that wants to grow up, I am so drained from trying and begging home to be there for her and not drag her into our issues I begged him to be civil just for her sake. However he doesn't try to adjust his ways. I I can't rely on him. If my daughter grows up and ask why.i am sure she will understand I did not want to grow her up in domestic violence.i want to set a good example for her, i do not want her to grow up and think it's okay for a man to beat a woman and call her all the ugly names that all women hate to hear.. I guess I should have explained myself a bit more. I used to think he was an Amazing father that's why I planned my child with him. But then I'm seeing all these aggressive traits in him. All these things I had no idea he was capable of.

Jahz - posted on 04/15/2015

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It's so much more than just a post and all you people are doing is judging,as a mom, you should all. Ow it's neve as simple as just cutting home out her life, she almost died and he could care less. He was too busy to come and take her to the doctor. yes when I made the choice to jump in the sack with him I knew what I was doing. However he is not the same person. Who he is now and who he was then shows 2 different people. He abandons her when he feels like it.i know she loves him, she's only 2 and she's ask for him. If I don't have sex with him, he does not visit her, he holds me back in life. She has been needing to go to the dentist forever and over a year it took for him to take us. Yes I could take her myself but he is controlling.His lifestyle is a bad example for her.he curses bad around her. No I was not aware of this when I planned to have my first and only child with him. I have alot of proof he is a danger to both her and I. I truly believe this is best for her. It breaks my heart but later if she wants to Commect with him I won't stop her. He is abusive in every sense of the word. Verbally mentally emotionally.I am sure he is her father but he denies her every time he is upset with me.. It's much more complicated then me just cutting him off. But I understand why everyone has their opinion. and I appreciate and respect them all..

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/13/2015

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You don't get to make that choice. Period.

IT IS NOT UP TO YOU, and women such as yourself, who seem to arbitrarily think that they control all in regards to the child, really piss me off.

That child's father was good enough for you to jump in the sack with, and for you to keep the child created. You do not have the right of possession of the child, because POSSESSION OF HUMAN BEINGS (OWNERSHIP) IS ILLEGAL. You are the child's MOTHER. You have the same rights as the child's FATHER does.

Grow up. Get court orders.

Michelle - posted on 04/12/2015

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Evelyn has said it all. YOU don't have the right to chose if your daughter and her father have a relationship. You chose to have a child with him so he has rights to see his child.
Get to court and get custody, visitation and child support sorted out.

Ev - posted on 04/12/2015

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No, Jahz, she won't understand when she grows up. She might resent the fact that you cut her father out. Just because he does not show as much interest in her now does not mean that later he might just rethink all this and decide he might want to have a relationship with her.

Unless you have reason to believe he is a danger to the child, have proof of such, you can not stop him from having a relationship with your child.

Do you have custody, visitation and child support set up? If not you should have done so already.

And here is what can happen if you deny him access:

1) If he chose to take this to court, he could get you for parental alienation and he could get custody.
2) If you have no court orders for any of this and he does come to see the child he has the same rights as you do.
3) You can not take his rights away without his agreeing to it if you think along those lines.
4) This child does not belong to you like a possession such as a car.

You chose this man to have sex with and the child is the result of that. He was good enough to be with before, what makes him so bad now? Quit playing wish this child.

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