No respect

Honey - posted on 07/20/2015 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My daughter (22 years) and her boyfriend (22 years) live with us and her older sister. They both have no respect for me and they continually live in filth and always turn a blind to it. When ever I remind them both about cleanliness and hygiene and how it also affects the rest of the household, they both complain that I should mind my own business. In fact they say a lot worse than that. My daughter never cleans up after herself and eats in her room with her boyfriend and runs our kitchen out of croquery and utensils. When I remind them that we have run out of plates and knives and forks for ourselves to use, it is met with aggression and they both storm into the kitchen and bang the croquery down on the sink and resume to their room. Her boyfriend is always aggressive towards me when I ask him to help my husband to take the rubbish out or help with outside chores and even to clean up the bathroom once he's finished using it. My daughter calls me mean, because she says I upset her boyfriend when I remind him of their responsibilities to the household. I don't know, I give up. I worry about my daughter moving out with her aggressive boyfriend and that's why I've put up with it for so long. Neither of them show me any respect, so I'm all tapped out. Any advice would be gratefully received.

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Jodi - posted on 07/21/2015

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Time for them to fend for themselves, definitely. If they want to live in a pigsty, then that becomes their problem. They will learn soon enough.

Cutemommy - posted on 07/21/2015

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well your being nice enough to let them live with you they should clean up after themselves. If your worried about her living with her aggressive boyfriend it's too late she already is and she is doing it under your roof. It might be good for her to get her own place you can set a move out date giving them 90 days or so to get their own place. You can always visit and check up on her even though she is an adult you are still her mother. You don't appreciate anything until it's gone when they live on their own then they will say dang we had it good. It just sounds like they are unappreciative. where is his family maybe they could live with them, he pry has to clean over there and its why he doesn't want to be there.

Raye - posted on 07/21/2015

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The contract would be in place so they all know what's expected of them. The warnings are just that, so they can't say you up and kicked them out for no reason. They can ignore you all they want, but you warned them, and when the warnings pile up they get kicked out. You have to be willing to follow through with the consequences. Stop giving them second (or third, or fourth) chances.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/21/2015

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Here's the other thing you don't seem to be getting. These people are ADULTS!!! They're not 'young' adults either, they're all over the age of 22. If they are putting themselves into situations that are dangerous, and you are removing them, you don't ask the person causing the problems to move in with you, for crying out loud, and then to do so without a clear contract in place only added to the confusion.
GET BOTH OF YOUR DAUGHTERS under contract. I don't care if the eldest is the most perfect being in the world, what is good for one is good for the other, and allowing one in your home scott free without conditions while you expect the other to live up to some reality that she really doesn't want to be in is not fair either. Treat ALL of your adult children equally. That means contract for both.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/21/2015

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Contracts work great. When my son reached 18, he presented me with a very reasonable one for him living in my home, it included rent, utilities, chores and responsibilities, as well as expectations for both parties. I plan on using it agin here in about 4 months because my other son will reach adulthood, and will be expected to live under specific terms.
The thing with a contract is: If they aren't abiding by it, you can immediately request their removal, file an eviction notice and have it legally enforced. Without a contract, they have as much right to be there (in the eyes of the law, regardless of ownership) as you do. These are called 'squatter's rights', and if you don't have a contract, you will be stuck. As it stands, you can kick them out, but they can call the law and have their residency at the home established. In order to kick them out, you need to serve them with an eviction notice filed with the local sheriff first.
You're still letting them walk on you, because you're already bending in your resolve.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/22/2015

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I do agree, that once he moves out and you have your home back, a contract or verbal agreement of how you want your home run, will definitely be in order.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/22/2015

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Maybe the daughter DOES want the boyfriend to leave. Maybe she is done with this kind of relationship. You had mentioned he was abusive. It may have taken your strength of laying down the law, for her to find an out with this boy. Kudos mom. You may have given your daughter the chance, and strength to break up with him and have her find herself again.

I went through something very similiar many years back. My mom offering to let me move back home helped me out of a bad situation. She gave me the out. She gave me the strength to break up with this guy and a place to stay.

Has she told him he has to move out yet? Or have YOU told him? Talk to your daughter. If she has not told him, ask her if it would be easier for her to have YOU tell him to leave. She may need that.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/21/2015

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Well the thing is, you can't have one live under contract and not the other. They are both adults, and both should receive the same treatment. Not as a punishment for your other daughter, but as insurance that the one you want to straighten out will abide by her end. If her sister isn't held to the same standard, its not going to work.

Honey - posted on 07/21/2015

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Hi Shawn. The problem is between my 22 year old and her boyfriend 22 years as well. My other daughter has a full time job and abides by all the rules willingly. She is just fine, in fact if it wasn't for her, I would have pulled my hair out by its roots well before now. Her full time includes looking after me. My 22 year old daughter doesn't see the need in respecting our home. By the way, that's interesting about including a contract, I have never considered that although, that may not be problem anymore, because my 22 year old has agreed to have her boyfriend move out. I will keep you posted with the results when he finally moves out. Cheers!

Sarah - posted on 07/21/2015

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Even with a contract in place if they violate the agreements, you may need to evict them through the court system. I know how absurd it is that you couldn't just tell them to get out and they comply but it does happen. If you do choose to send them packing and they resist; make sure you check the rules for eviction proceedings.
I agree that young adult living contracts are a great way to make cohabiting with your kids easier; I think you will will happier if they move out. Then you can have your home to yourself, they can learn to function as adults and you can all develop a healthy relationship again.
PS: Love the word croquery!

Honey - posted on 07/21/2015

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Wow Raye. That's putting it in a nutshell. In fact, they both do work and pay rent although I think you've worked it out that they consume everything else that they had not contributed to. The contractual part, well I've tried that without success. Shawns suggestion of kicking them out was by far the best solution because nothing else seemed to work. I mentioned yesterday that I would do this when they returned home from work and I put it to my daughter and she agreed with me that it was the right thing to do. I explained to her the reasons I felt that they must go although I did mention to her that I would allow her to stay if she wanted so long as she pulls her weight. She was prepared to do that. In fact, she looked relieved. I will see how today pans out. Great suggestions though Raye. Although the warnings part, forget it, they just kept walking away and ignoring me. Must be that age generation, I don't know?

Raye - posted on 07/21/2015

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If they are going to live with you, they should sign a contract. That contract should have rules for keeping the common areas of the house clean (living room, bathroom, kitchen), washing bed linens and dishes that they use, paying rent, no drugs, no foul language, no disrupting the other inhabitants of the house. You should have a warning system: verbal warnings for small disruptions [3 verbal warnings for the same thing gets written warning], written warnings for larger infractions, and 3 written warnings [for anything] get eviction. Allow them to do extra chores to remove written warnings. If they refuse to sign the contract with these rules, or they get 3 written warnings, then they're out.

Honey - posted on 07/21/2015

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Hi Jodi. My daughter use to be a good girl, obedient and loving. Ever since she moved in with her boyfriend at his father's home at 18 years of age, she changed and became a filthy disrespecting sloth. She's a very bubbly and likeable girl, but still, she lives in squaller. His whole family live in squaller. They are a well off family but don't like keeping clean and will not wash their dishes and always leave their clothes lying around. My daughter has got used to living with them and like them that she has continued to live this way when I asked her to move in with us. Apparently her boyfriend became violent/abusive and we were forever picking her up all odd hours of the evening to bring her home and that's why I invited both to live at home with us, so that we could keep an eye on her boyfriend. The rest of the story you already know.

Jodi - posted on 07/21/2015

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Why are they living there in YOUR home if they won't respect YOUR household rules and expectations? I don't get it.

Honey - posted on 07/20/2015

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Thanks Shawnn, You're so right. They are both freeloading and I couldn't help but smile at your response because deep down inside, I knew that to be the answer. I just needed someone to say it to me loud and clear and you did it. Not only do they freeload, they do not even help to lighten the load, like wash dishes or wash clothes. They continually sneek into our bedroom and lift our clean linen and spare blankets rather than wash their own. I've finally had it up to here!!! with them, so when they both arrive home tonight, I will spell this out to them. The both have some nice qualities the worst ones, outweigh the good ones Big Time!!!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/20/2015

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Its time for ALL of your adult kids to move out. Either that, or they ALL need to be living under contract, which includes paying for their space. Once your kids reach legal adulthood, they need to be treated as such, not allowed to freeload

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