no respect & I'm Mom

Monica - posted on 08/31/2016 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My oldest Son Mike has just no respect for me! For years I've tried so hard to have him open up to me. When he was young I was in a very abusive relationship with his Father, I then divorced and of course the verbal abuse continued. Then eventually not caring, his father gave up on the bs. I a single mother had no choice to work 2 jobs to support and survive for my son Mike & myself. I realize those precious years were the most important ones ,but again someone had to pay the bills. His father back in 1992 always complaining about child support and how he had to pay it and so on and so on. I never depended on anyone to support me not even the system knowing I was capable of doing it on my own. I now feel guilty in so many ways! I feel guilty that i worked so many hours a week and didn't spend quality time with him for when he was little? I see the difference in both my sons. My youngest of 18 is totally different. when he was born i was able to stay home more and the quality time was definitely there. there 7 years apart and of course i was in a totally different relationship but as the years progressed i became single again. different relationship but it turned out the same in some ways. long story but! I needed to realize the men i was picking was what i really shouldn't of been picking in the first place. live and learn. mean while mike has experienced a divorce and then a break-up after fifteen years with kyle dad. Kyle's dad was very verbal towards mike and so many years I've always protected him of this. shame on me! not enough.. should of left the relationship way before it got out of hand. But I stayed hoping things would of changed and lets just say 15 years was a long time of hopes and prayers. I think back and blame myself for all of this because just maybe my son wouldn't be as he is today. As far as his attitude and his disrespect for me. I've always been by his side, when mike falls mom is right there to make it right! when he's financially strapped or cars needs repairing im there. It can be just about anything and i'm there. he's my life and so isn't my other son. my children are my world.
now as for kyle he's seen just as much if just a bit less drama in my life and doesn't exactly come close to treating with no respect, he sees what his brother does to me and cant stand it. he's even commented to me many times , Mom that's not right,, that kids has borrowed and borrowed and yet name calls you . I tell kyle hes going through some tough times with his choices and raising of his daughter to whom is almost 2. mike has suffered mentally from her mother and cant seem to remove himself from that relationship. I as mom have given him so much advice but yet he doesn't hear me. again i do so much for my son because hes mentally messed up and I did discover he's been taking pills to get through. breaking my heart so bad these days. I cant seem to find the right words to fix his world. so we begin to scream at one another and I tell him I love him but its not enough. There are days and night I suffer on worrying about him and pray I never see anything tragic!! like i said my kids are my world . lost my father at 11 and 35 years and still miss him something terrible. vietnam vet took his life. I realize I'm all over the place in this whole topic situation but im very concerned and confused

Kyle's father has apologized for all the verbal and pain he has caused towards mike for when he was younger . wanted to put that out there. and he has had long talks with kyle's dad and has accepted his apology .
Mike, has said to me on many of occasions he'd be better off gone. for years this has been said.
like i said confused mom asking for advice.

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Monica - posted on 09/05/2016

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Thank you all for your support!!! Very kind words and I have red all of your comments and I couldn't agree with you more. I have made some steps these past few days and I will continue to do so. It's just some days are better then some. Again thank you and God bless us all. ♡

P - posted on 09/01/2016

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First of all, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! None of us are perfect parents, we just do the best we can with the information we have at the time, and we all make mistakes. Kids do not come with instructions. I have several friends whose grown kids do not treat them with respect, or even kindness, and we all feel that there has been a shift in society toward this disrespectful trend. Yes, our kids are our world, but when they choose to treat us in the manner you have described, it is usually more healthy to pull away and not tolerate that treatment. You can send loving messages, give gifts and show your love in many ways without stepping in to "fix" his problems and enable him in bad behaviors. It sounds like you have experienced a lot of hurt and pain in your life, and in this situation you do have a choice to step away from the cause. Find friends and activities that you enjoy and build a life without this son at the center.

Dove - posted on 09/01/2016

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You can't fix him and you can't fix his world... and enabling him is not going to help either of you. Unless he is willing to go to therapy and rehab himself... it's time to stop what you are doing. Let him know that you love him and want to help him, but it's up to him to make the changes and you can not sit by and watch him destroy himself any longer.

If he wants to meet up to go to dinner or a movie or some other activity w/ you that does not involve you bailing him out, but just talking (and he's being respectful) that is fine. I'm not sure 'I' would be able to 100% cut myself off from my child, but he MUST treat you w/ respect and you MUST not cave to try and 'fix' his finances or anything else. It's up to him to seek services to fix his life (though if he tells you that's what he wants you can certainly help him find resources).

Sarah - posted on 09/01/2016

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"I cant seem to find the right words to fix his world."
Your right, nothing you say or do will fix HIS life. What is done is done and you may as well stop beating yourself up over what has happened. You did the best you could at the time. Get your own life in order, seek come counseling for your own issues and stop rescuing your adult son. If he is using pills or whatever; you continuing to loan money is not going to help. Leave the door open and let him come to you when he is ready. You don't need to tolerate name calling etc. Once you are in therapy you can offer for him to come to a session (or a few) so you can air your regrets, then it is done. You may never have a warm, loving relationship. With work and effort from both of you a relationship of mutual respect is certainly possible.

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