No sex drive what so ever

Cicely - posted on 03/17/2015 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I am a 22 y/o Single mom. Before I go any further I have never been married. But when I got pregnant my "sperm donor" cheated on me and told every one the baby wasn't his. I have not had any sexual interested in any one since and I used to be a very sexual person. I was wondering you guys think this extreme lack of libido will pass, is it just because of the baby, am i the only one with this situation ?

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Jean - posted on 03/19/2015

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Cicely maybe you are still very upset about the whole situation . I read it through and that looks like a heavy load to carry ! there is so much hurt ! the sex drive will come when all the wound heals ! Right now you are the most important person in all this ..you are the mother and father which means you need to stand strong ! For now just forget this other person ..be it a sperm doner or whatever you call him ! Reconcile with yourself .

Jodi - posted on 03/18/2015

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First, he is NOT a sperm donor. You had sex with him. An actual sperm donor is a generous person who has donated their sperm to a "sperm bank" to assist people who are not able to get pregnant otherwise. It is a selfless act. Your sexual partner was NOT a sperm donor. It is offensive to actual sperm donors for you to even make the comparison.

Second, if he wants to see his child he can take you to court and have the same rights you do to see your child. It's not your call at the end of the day. Even if he was abusive to you, this does not necessarily mean he will be abusive to his child. If he takes you to court, you will need to PROVE (have actual evidence) that he is a danger to his child. If he takes you to court and you have no evidence, and yet he has evidence that you have prevented him any contact with his child, then you could actually lose custody. This is not an opinion - this is fact. It has happened to many women.

With regard to your libido, given your past history with sexual partners, maybe you should lay off the sex for a while anyway - at least until you know your partner a little better than you knew the last one.

Cicely - posted on 03/18/2015

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i dont think you understand that im ok with being her parent myself i gave him allot of chances and he was abusive.... he told me if i had twins he would kill one...I have thought about this long and hard. he wouldn't come to any doctors appointments and he threw a hundred dollars in my face cause i couldn't give him more........ you do not know what you are talking about i know what is right for me and my child and i did not ask you for you opinion on this. i strictly asked about my libido and that is all

Sarah - posted on 03/17/2015

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I agree on the term sperm donor and Shawnn's advice to prove paternity and get support. To say a man who is not stepping up is a sperm donor is offensive to every father who wants to be part of their child's life yet is prevented from a relationship with his child.
How old is your baby? It can take over a year, especially if you are nursing, to get your sex drive back. Talk to your doctor.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/17/2015

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As far as your libido goes, it's totally normal to not feel sexual after baby. For some women it's hard to get over. Personally, I never spoke to my doc about it, but it was a problem. From what I understand, there may be some help out there that wasn't available when my kids were born. I hope you find something.

But, just one thing: you did NOT get artificially inseminated. You have an ex lover, not a sperm donor. Get it straight. It is a disservice to call your ex a sperm donor. Sperm donors are not obligated to support the children that are created. They DONATE sperm, then you go in and are inseminated.

Everyone makes mistakes in life, and some create kids in that manner. If your ex isn't supporting his kid, he's obligated to, by virtue of the fact that...he had sex, and created a child. Get paternity proven, and take him to court.

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Raye - posted on 03/19/2015

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Whether you want to hear it or not, the others' advice is valid. If you don't get paternity and custody established now, your ex could decide one day to take the child from you. Just because he's not interested now doesn't mean that he won't change his mind about being a father, or he could try to use the child to hurt you. Going through the courts now is a protection for your child, so there's legal recourse should one parent do something in violation of that court order.

Jodi - posted on 03/19/2015

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Ok, well my apologies. When you said "for her safety I need him not to be around", I assumed you were making the decision that he could not be near your child.

I still recommend you get court orders for custody, etc.

With regard to him being the last person you were with, this has nothing to do with your sex drive. It is perfectly normal to feel no sex drive after having a baby, especially if you don't actually have a partner you are feeling close to. As a woman, sex drive is often attached to where you are emotionally and mentally. Right now, if you don't have a long term partner, what you are experiencing is perfectly normal.

Cicely - posted on 03/19/2015

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I have not attempted to keep him away that's another thing that yall are not getting in every single message i have said he doesn't want to be involved and in every single one yall seem to not get it lol the only reason i posted any about him is because i was worried about the fact that i have lost my sex drive and he was the last person that i had been with i cant force him to be in her life and he has no interest he is to busy going in and out of jail so if you want to say any thing else go ahead but this is starting to feel more like you guys are being patronizing than helpful

Jodi - posted on 03/18/2015

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And if you only wanted advice about your libido, you could have chosen to ask that without all the other information. Then you would have ONLY received responses about your libido.

Sarah - posted on 03/18/2015

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@ Cicely "You have your opinion and I have mine but I would get the facts before opening my mouth to express my opinion."
The fact is you parented a baby with this man. He may not be able or willing to parent today, but that does not mean he doesn't have the right to parent later.
Like Shawnn advises, get your information in order and present it to a judge. That is the only person who gets to decide if this man can parent or not.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/18/2015

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Cicely, you do not have the right to make the decision whether or not the biological father of your child has access.

If you have proof of your allegations (not hearsay, but actual proof: Hospital records of abuse, police reports, etc), then you may request supervised or limited visitation.

Should the man decide he wants access to his child, and you arbitrarily deny access, he will be able to take YOU to court, petition custody, support, visitation, and potentially get exactly what you don't want him to have by pleading parental alienation on your part. Would you rather take legal steps now, or would you rather fight for custody later?

Cicely - posted on 03/17/2015

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I call him a sperm donor for multiple reason one being he will never be around my child because he is addicted to pain killers. Also because he has put his hands on me.....while I was pregnant. He is a sperm donor because he is going to have no part in my child's upbringing by necessity and choice. Meaning for her safety I need him not to be around and he chooses not to be around.You have your opinion and I have mine but I would get the facts before opening my mouth to express my opinion. But thank you for the help on the things I asked your opinion on..

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