Non-custodial cannot accept not being custodial "primary"

Anonymous - posted on 02/28/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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What to do when non-custodial parent just cannot accept not being primary? After two Judges, 6 court appearances, Social workers and a social study; I remain the primary and non-custodial still has minimal visitation, not even standard. They made it clear that I am "unfit" according to them and a problem in their way. The lengths NC has gone to is really rather sad, but most of all a little worrisome as the verbal abuse gets worse and the private investigators following me around, has made me begin watching my every move. A slight bruise from learning to walk, sends panic and fear to me being as though everything is amplified and has been completely manipulated and exaggerated in order to gain custody. Any advice from other custodial parents that have experienced the same thing? I do not lose sleep over this, but we still have final orders to go for, not to mention we are to co-parent for the next 18 years. NC has made it clear that they do not wish to work together but that with a little push (forcing me to do thing's we do not agree on by way of our child) we can make decisions if I simply concede to their demands as they are paramount to mine. VERBATIM.
At what point does this kind of "parenting" frowned upon and when is it actually detrimental to the children, let alone the whole process?

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Anonymous - posted on 02/28/2015

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OH MY! I am so very sorry to hear that young children are being subjected to those kinds of issue when then have absolutely no business knowing. What a shame!! This cannot be acceptable to the courts any further. I believe the social worker was on to something when she did my social study, because she requested that by age five, our daughter have legal representation to further investigate her well being around that time. There has to be something done about this kind of behavior, it is completely wrong. Given the fact that you have proof, there has to be something that can be done. This is my dilemma, the courts favor co-parenting, but if one of the parents are incapable of not being malicious by way of exposing the children to negative comments, persuasion, manipulation, and choose not to work together as co-parents; then why allow the children to suffer or experience any further discomforts. Why can't the conflicting parent be reprimanded? Why are they allowed to continue this behavior as it is detrimental to the children? Why enforce "joint custody" if one parents objective is not that to be joint but separate? It is a major flaw in the system and I believe needs to be majorly investigated and looked in to!

Carrie - posted on 02/28/2015

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Yes I was a child of divided parents and it seemed my dad was ok w/o seeing me, but then again he was a serious alcoholic and workaholic back in he day. I was always scared of going to his house as we'd spend the whole nite in the bar till "closing hr". now though, we get along great and I am able to have a good relationship w/ him. I'm telling you this b/c it does , most times, get better, so not to worry on that.
Also my daughter was told by her father Not to talk about us or what we do and it is Not be discussed what "we" do when we have her. To me this is sick and unhealthy~~~
Her father does nothing but bash us so I know you already know , but to not do that if your child brings dad up, just answer honestly etc. Once of my dd's most asked questions was Why wasn't I w/ "dad" anymore and why don't I "scream, yell and cut myself anymore" ((which she didn't know the 1/2 of it b/c there was anorexia, severe bulimia, severe self mutliation, and also severe mental, sexual, emotional abuse for a good 7 of the 10 yrs I was w/ him)) I just tell her mommy and daddy didn't get along, were alot of fights (which she can remember) and the ans to why I don't get mad and throw things anymore is "b/c mom is happy now, so no need to be upset and angry".
Hope my personal story helps some....

Anonymous - posted on 02/28/2015

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Thank you for your kind words, Carrie. I do fear for my child's overall well being in the long run, prior to the bad behavior, I only had minimal concerns but none that merited me asking for sole custody. I never have asked for that, but they have and continue to. I fear the emotional distress our child will face when they are forced to remove any clothing they are sent over in, as "I am useless and unfit, therefore they are better than me financially." They are little thing's to most, but although I am unable to prove it now, I am sure there will be no talk of us allowed in their house, while our child is away. Being raised by separated parents that never bad mouthed each other and did a darn good job raising us kids in two different households; witnessing utter lack of respect and disdain for me, the other parent, it has changed my whole outlook on a lot of things. It is very saddening, and should become a serious issue brought to light in the court system, if it has not already.

Carrie - posted on 02/28/2015

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I say it has already probably been detrimental on the children, depending on how much they know or are being "told" by the other side. Myself, Im non custodial. My ex hus. is custodial. Not b/c anything bad or negative happened, it was simply b/c when I left him he begged me not to take Lex too and I said all I wanted to do was be able to see her 1/2 the week, and he the remaining half. I would Never go for full as this was Our agreement. Unless I see a reason to do so. I don't talk to my ex, he refuses, if I wanted to talk Id have to get a lawyer and so would he. But, no not in a million yrs would I stalk out the other parent rather demanding the custody agreement be re arranged. I feel badly that you are going through this at this time and please keep us updated ok.
Good luck my friend,

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