Non-supportive Father

Carson - posted on 08/21/2011 ( 52 moms have responded )

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The father of my child begged me to have an abortion because he felt like a baby would ruin his life. He didnt want anything to do with the baby until he found out the baby was a boy. Now he wants to take my son away from me.
I'm scared. My son's father and I don't see eye to eye on the people he chooses to hang around with. We aren't together. He lives 2 hours away from us and use to see him at least 2x a week. He hasn't seen him in 1 month. He's not helping to support him, and it's not fair. We argued over him wanting to take him to his house and keep him. I told him no. How can someone who is on call 24/7 and doesn't have any off days keep a 10 month old baby? His arguement was he'd find someone to keep him. RED FLAG.
I am not ok with my child being looked after by strangers/someone that I know nothing about and do not trust. He moved the mother of his other child who by the way is 3 months old (you would think that he would learn to wrap it up by now) into his apartment. I have no ill will against this other woman or her child, but my son will never be around either of them if I can help it. From what he has told me, she is mentally ill and has tried to harm herself before. This is not an environment that I want my son to be around.
He hates that I ask him where he's going when he has our son. Is it wrong for me not to want my son around his weed head friends and strung out family members? I'm at a loss here. I planned a trip for my son and I to go whale watching in Victoria, BC and I was informed that I wouldnt be able to get a passport for my son without the consent of both parents. I'm so disappointed. I'm struggling and i don't know what to do.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Gail - posted on 08/21/2011

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Take him to court and specify you are the full time parent. If he is not paying support you will have the court on your side.

Cindy - posted on 08/21/2011

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It's understandable that you do not want your child around your ex's friends or family. That is why you have to ask for supervised visits. You need to print up criminal records and do your best to persuade the judge.

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2011

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What you can do is control WHEN he may associate with them by including things in the court order about drugs, etc. But you cannot control his association with these people entirely.

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2011

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Carson, they aren't going to consider his friends' charges or whether half his family is on drugs. They will only look at him.

Jodi - posted on 08/31/2011

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No, the judge will decide to grant the passport/travel UNLESS you can come up with a good reason NOT to, with full evidence of why it isn't a good idea.

52 Comments

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Lacye - posted on 09/08/2011

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Carson, I don't know about Texas, but in Mississippi it is actually illegal for the single parent to have a bf/gf living with them when there is a small child involved. You might want to look into that with the lawyer as well. Especially since the girlfriend has some issues and could potentially harm herself or your child when she is in the woman's care.

Jodi - posted on 09/01/2011

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"Ok you obviously know everything about everyone's cases so we'll just leave it at that then!"

Not at all Danielle, but that is the general premise. Unless you have evidence of a good reason why your child should not travel with the other parent, then it IS controlling and petty. Obviously YOU had good evidence as to why your children' shouldn't. I wasn't commenting on your case. But you can take it personally if you choose.

Cindy - posted on 09/01/2011

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you can't keep the child from his father, he's got to pay support a much as you have to let them have a relationship develop. you're not allowed to pick and choose who in your in his (and your childs) life unless an agency (CPS) is involved and she or he have been found to be unfit in some way. You need to get a lawyer, go to court and establish everything in writing

Danielle - posted on 09/01/2011

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Ok you obviously know everything about everyone's cases so we'll just leave it at that then! Different state different laws is all I can say!

Danielle - posted on 08/30/2011

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The judge will only over ride it if they see the reason for not signing the passport as a silly excuse or as a control issue.

Jodi - posted on 08/30/2011

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Yes, you can Danielle, you just need to go through the court to do it. One parent can object and a judge can override it.

Danielle - posted on 08/30/2011

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You can't get a passport without consent of both parents this I know first hand as I will not sign passports for my ex and new wife to take the kids out of the country, not because I don't want my children to go on holiday with them but because the way the world is now I am paranoid they are not old enough or responsible enough to get themselves out of danger or to find help if they need it. I would definitely advise getting some court orders in place.

Carson - posted on 08/23/2011

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Thanks everyone. I have a consultation with a lawyer on Thursday. I've come to realize that this situation isn't supposed to be about my feelings, only about my son. Prayer is the only thing I can think to do of right now.

Gail - posted on 08/23/2011

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Don't sit on it too long! I know you want time to sort thru your feelings but you need to take the first step.

Jodi - posted on 08/22/2011

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Um, gentry, (1) they aren't married and (2) on what grounds is a restraining order required? There are not threats of violence. Getting a restraining order at this point would be extremely petty. Not to mention not help the situation.

Gentry - posted on 08/22/2011

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It will sound awful, but get a divorce and restraining order against him and ask for money for child support. He sounds like a real loser.

Carson - posted on 08/21/2011

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I just wanred to say thank you to those who responded to this post. I have a lot of thinking and reevaluating to do, but for now I'm going to spend some time with my little boy,

Desiree - posted on 08/21/2011

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I've never had to deal with the legal system much and never in custody battles, but from what I've heard from other people and friends what you should be doing is DOCUMENTING EVERYTHING!! Every time he is threatening write down what was said and when. Keep a note book with you. Those kinds of records will hold up in court, but make sure they just facts and not personal feelings.
I feel that you understand that your childs father deserves to have a relationship, but as others have stated, it would be in your childs best interest to go through court ordered visitations. If you can convince the courts that the fathers environment is not good for your child then you can get supervised visitations. Anytime he doesn't show up for a visitation, document it! You can also be awarded child support, which you are entitled to!
I dont see why you wouldn't be granted sole custody and be able to go on your trip with your son. Unfortunately its going to take going to court to make sure that you are getting all that is entitled to you. IMO ( and again the courts could see it differently ) seeing the child occasionally does not a parent make! Unless he is paying CS and has regular visits then that makes you the primary guardian.
Again, I suggest you do the right thing for you and for your son and go through the courts to make sure everything is legal and binding!

Jurnee - posted on 08/21/2011

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You should go to court and get a visitation schedule but from experience the courts really dont care about your feelings for his friends and family. You can request that he not take your son around certain people, but unlesss you have some proof that they may be harmful to your son, the judge probably wont care. I understand where you are coming and I feel for you, but in the courts eyes, you both have equal ability to make decisions for your child, unless there are mitigating factors that you can prove.good luck to you adn your son

Cindy - posted on 08/21/2011

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You definelty need a court order. This way you will legally have custody and the father with have a set visit schedule. The judge does only look at the father, but the judge also has to look at what is best for the child. It's not best for the child to be around people who have done/do drugs and have been violent. In my state you can put provisions in the court order that no one can drink or do drugs around the child. You can also also state that the child is not to be around certain people

Carson - posted on 08/21/2011

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I'm sorry to hear that, and I'm glad that you were able to get the help that you needed. In this case, PND has nothing to do with it. She's schizophrenic.

Cindy - posted on 08/21/2011

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You can't control what your friends do, but you can control who your friends are. Birds of a feather flock together.

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2011

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Oh, and just for the record, I was on medication at one point and tried to kill myself too. It was called post natal depression, and it happens. It doesn't make a person a bad person or a bad influence on a step-child.

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2011

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Cynthia, what you are trying to do is control HIS life and choose his friends for him. As long as these friends are not influencing your child negatively, you can't do that.

Carson - posted on 08/21/2011

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no excuses, and she has mental problems, was off her medication and tried to kill herself, excuse me for not wanting my kid around that

Cindy - posted on 08/21/2011

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You don't have control over your friends, but you do have control over who your friends are.

Kyleigh - posted on 08/21/2011

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I remember when my friend tried to say that her ex's "friends" are bad people, the judge said that doesnt matter you cant tell him who to be friends with or who to date like jodi says as long as they arent a pedophile , abuser, and can prove their criminal past.

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2011

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It says nothing Cynthia. The court won't consider it. Did you choose your family? Do you have control over what your friends do? Or do you only have control over what they do IN YOUR HOME? And control over where and when you take your child?

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2011

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For someone who claims to want them to have a relationship, you are making an awful lot of excuses why you don't want them to. Using the fact that he moved in with someone else is also irrelevant unless she is a drug addict, an alcoholic, a criminal, an abuser, a pedophile, anything that will harm your child.

Cindy - posted on 08/21/2011

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What does it say about him since he has friends & family like that and he is involved with them

Kyleigh - posted on 08/21/2011

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Its all about proving what you know and tryto persuade the Judge based off your evidence

Carson - posted on 08/21/2011

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I do believe I mentioned him moving in his other child and her mother into his apartment. Since he has them living with him, he has no time to see my son. He was in town last week to visit his father who lives 6 houses down from me and could not be bothered to see his own flesh blood. What does that tell you?

Cindy - posted on 08/21/2011

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The court in my state looks at what is in the childs best interest. It's in the childs best interest to have frequent contact with both parents. The past is irrelavent. If you believe the child would be in danger, you can ask for supervised visits, but you have to prove it. You can start with visits once or twice a week for 2 hours each visit and gradually add more time to the visits

Carson - posted on 08/21/2011

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Yeah well most of his friends have/have had cases against them for drug charges and assault and battery. 85% of his mothers family is strung out on drugs. I can only hope that the State of Texas would look into that.

Kyleigh - posted on 08/21/2011

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The courts in our state didn't seem to care about my ex and his poor choices in friends, the judge simply told me if no custody or rights have been taken away i can't choose where my child goes around or whom!! I have no faith in the court system in my state though, you might luck out depending on what state you are in

Carson - posted on 08/21/2011

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I want the two of them to have a relationship. He hasn't seen him in a month. I'm fine taking care of him on my own, I've been doing it since before he was born. But don't paint yourself to be a permanent fixture in his life when you've kept him every bit of 3 days since he was born! Bragging about all the money you have and saying that you can things like "possession is 9/10ths of the law, and it's too easy for me to get him..all I have to do is pay" is beyond childish. One child can't take care of another one.

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2011

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Cynthia, sole custody requires a court ordered document verifying it. Until then, she doesn't actually LEGALLY have sole custody at all.

Cindy - posted on 08/21/2011

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That's unfortunate. You do have sole custody because your son is with you most of the time, it's just not court ordered. It's best to get a court order so there are set days and times for visitation.

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2011

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You do require the permission of both parents to get a passport for a minor UNLESS the sole parent:

Appears in person with the minor
Signs Form DS-11 in front of an Acceptance Agent
Submit primary evidence of sole authority to apply for the child with one of the following:

Minor's certified U.S. or foreign birth certificate listing only the applying parent
Consular Report of Birth Abroad (Form FS-240) or Certification of Birth Abroad (Form DS-1350) listing only the applying parent
Court order granting sole custody to the applying parent (unless child's travel is restricted by that order)
Adoption decree (if applying parents is sole adopting parent)
Court order specifically permitting applying parent's or guardian's travel with the child
Judicial declaration of incompetence of non-applying parent
Death certificate of non-applying parent
NOTE: If none of the above documentation is available, the applying parent must submit Form DS-3053 stating why the non-applying parent/guardian's consent cannot be obtained.

They won't just hand over a passport without you jumping through quite a few hoops.

With respect to the father wanting access, he is perfectly entitled. His disinterest during your pregnancy is irrelevant. I think the other aspect you should look at is that your CHILD is perfectly entitled to get to know her father. Whether he is currently helping to support him or not, you have to consider your child's rights. You need to talk to a lawyer and set up a custody agreement and also claim child support from him.

Carson - posted on 08/21/2011

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The lady at the passport agency told me that if I didn't have sole custody, I would have to get a signed letter or have the father accompany me to the passport agency so that he can file the proper forms before a passport can be issued. He can visit him any time that he wants to. I have no problem with that.

Cindy - posted on 08/21/2011

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Who told you that you could not get a passport? You're not wrong, but he is entitled to visitation. If you trully believe your son is not safe w/him, then you can ask the court for supervised visitation.

Carson - posted on 08/21/2011

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He likes to play mind games with me. when he would ask to take the baby to the store with him on the rare occasion that he bought diapers, he would be gone for 1 1/2 hours and when i called or text him he would say I dont have to bring him back, possession in 9/10ths of the law. I hate when he does that. He wants me to take him to court so that he can get visitation rights (ive never denied him when it came to seeing his son) and take him to his house.

Katherine - posted on 08/21/2011

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Um no it's not wrong at all. I would get the courts involved. You have to anyways for child support. That's no environment for a 10mo at all. He cannot demand at this point you give her to him because you are the primary caregiver.
Like I said go.to.court.

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