Not really a stepmom, tired of feeling guilty and isolated.

[deleted account] ( 4 moms have responded )

So, I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. He has 10 year old. I'm 25 and when we met, his son loved me. There were issues with his son's mother. She didn't like me (for all the reasons moms hate new girlfriends despite being engaged and now married) and had no issue voicing these concerns to the child, my boyfriend and whoever was listening. She put a huge strain on our relationship, my boyfriend didn't do much to help it. His son would act out in certain ways towards me and he kind of swept it under the rug. I feel like he's never really stood up for me and made them two respect me. Fast forward to now, I don't really have an emotional connection with their son, for reasons that have to do with their parenting. We all live together and sometimes I dread the days when he comes over. It's almost like I turn into the nanny and they just have all the fun in the world. I work from home, so most of the household duties are my responsibility. His son doesn't do chores, there was a time when we were in back and forth arguments, almost breaking up over who's job it was to clean his son's bathroom. We aren't married. I understand me helping out, but how can I get my footing in this situation? Should I just walk away from it? I love my boyfriend but it's a lot dealing with his child. I know I'm not his mother, I don't want to be his mother. I feed him, make him breakfast almost everytime hes at out house, i wash all of his clothes, I basically clean up after him and I take him to school (I used to all the time, but eff that, it's not my responsibility) But how can I navigate giving chores and responsibility without feeling like I'm out of line? It's a really awkward place to be in, I used to enjoy it, now I just feel unappreciated. Mother's day just passed and there was no real acknowledgement of all that I do for his child. Did I bite off more than I could chew with this relationship? I need some help lol

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Michelle - posted on 05/15/2017

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So I'm confused. You have written these 2 sentences:
"She didn't like me (for all the reasons moms hate new girlfriends despite being engaged and now married)"
"We aren't married."

So are you married or not?
Either way, if you partner isn't backing you up and on the same page as you then it would probably be best to walk away.

4 Comments

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Lena - posted on 06/29/2017

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Listen, being a step mom or soon to be step mom is really an issue that you have to stop and think about. Really think about. It is not and will never be a good thing. As long as the mother is still around and her input is a dangerous thing, it is not going to work. The boyfriend/husband will not defend you because the mother will not allow him to. He will always be afraid that she will take the child away if he barks. believe me, think before you get too involved with a person with children.. At least before your thinking about something permanent with a person who has children. It's sad, but facts are facts...

Amanda - posted on 05/17/2017

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OK, in my opinion, you are dating a man who has a child. That child ALWAYS comes first. That being said, your boyfriend should encourage his child to respect you. And shouldn't allow any disrespect. If you are going to be a part of their lives, you are going to have to help take care of the child. There's a statement that bothered me:

'I feed him, make him breakfast almost everytime hes at out house, i wash all of his clothes, I basically clean up after him and I take him to school (I used to all the time, but eff that, it's not my responsibility)'

He's a child. I agree he should have chores but in the end, he is still a child. You don't want the responsibility of a child but want the respect? You think you shouldn't have to help take care of a child that is in your care?

I honestly think that you should walk away. You want acknowledgment for mother's day? But you said you didn't want to be his mother. If you and boyfriend have been together for three years and you spend that much time with his child, you are basically his step mother.

Also, about the child's mother. She's not your concern. It doesn't matter what she says to whom, it matters how you present yourself. Respect is earned. Remember that.

Ev - posted on 05/15/2017

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First you can not demand respect from the mother or the child. You should be shown respect in general but you have to earn respect fully.
Second, since you still are just a girlfriend, you should not do anything when the child is over. Let dad do it.

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