not sure which route to go with my 14 year old daughter

Jennifer - posted on 07/01/2012 ( 22 moms have responded )

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i'm going to try and keep this in as much of a nutshell as possible. there seems to be a lot of you who are going to be able to relate so i guess i'm looking for someone who can make any suggestions. i have 4 kids - 2 boys/2girls. one is a 14 year old girl who has completely pushed me away. i live with my dad, i am trying to go to school, and i also work. my ex-husband has filled her head with hate for me -- just her though -- not the others (which i kinda find weird). our life (meaning me and the kids) since my divorce has been hard which has been hard on everyone so i imagine this just adds to her hate for me. living with my dad has been difficult and i'm now trying to save money so i can rent a place of our own. she's extremely verbally abusive and oppositional. if i said something was black she would lose her mind it was white and what a dumb b*tch i was. every other word out of her mouth is "f**k" or "b*tch" when she "talks" to me -- no matter who's there .. my dad, younger kids. my younger kids are 7 and 9. she's mean to her younger siblings -- she basically just hates us (but LOVES her dad) -- i mean the sun rises and sets with him. she seems fine at anyone else's house but this one -- but in this house she's oppositional and hates us all. she has one friend who's mom keeps her house like a filthy pig with mouse droppings everywhere and SHE'S even better than me. she told her father i spit at her, she steals money from me (which i really can't afford), has tried to start fires on the side of the house with a perfume bottle, hit her sister on the face and back and left marks, refuses to get up and go to school .. i could just go on and on. finally, I sent her to live with her dad. it was abusive to my younger kids in addition to i didn't want my younger kids also acting this way. she posted a comment about me on facebook. it was very long, vile and abusive. i actually couldn't believe some of the phrases and comments she was saying. the post was removed by facebook. i was mortified and hurt. i imagine there were several people in my ex-husband's family who saw the post as they are her "friends." it stayed up for 4 days until it was removed by facebook. this was a week and a half ago -- i haven't talked to her since because i don't know what to say. i guess i figure she's only going to tell me to go "f**k myself" anyway. she's been angry for years. she's been steadily out of control since she was about 11 or 12 and now at 14 it's pretty much unmanageable. by the time she's 16, i can't imagine what the problems will become. i feel like my other kids are so repressed. after she left, the difference in everyone was amazing. my other kids were talking more, laughing more, expressing themselves more. so i'm ok with her living with her dad .. but here's the kicker. her dad actually lives with his sister (he's homeless). her dad is in the middle of a criminal trial and is most likely going to go to jail for about 5 years. her dad also does not live in my school district and she's gonna want to come back here for school in september because all her friends and her boyfriend are here...these are the only reasons she would ever want to come back here ... never because she wants to be with us. i told her dad about the facebook post, he didn't say anything to her. so he's basically torking her up to come back to me in september. her father is emotionally abusive but he's VERY good at it. you don't even realize you're being abused until it's to late. even to this day he's emotionally abusive to me through our kids. i feel guilty but ... i don't want her back. i want her in my life, but i don't want to live with her and her abuse. i have the ability to have her transferred to his school district. and if he goes to jail she could live with her aunt i suppose. i am not sure what to do. i just feel like she's starting to take me down and i have other kids too. i can't have her telling people i spit in her face and god knows what else. so does anyone have any idea on what i can expect for the future if i don't let her return here in september to start abusing everyone again? i am reading that a lot of kids push away a loving parent at the hands of an ex or his family -- very mean and angry kids pushing a loving parent away (and their siblings too) -- so what happens then when that parent pushes back? and just says "ok then .. good luck" i'll see you thursday for dinner (and if not, then not) ????

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Jennifer - posted on 07/02/2012

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Let me just say i am sorry. What a terrible situation. I was the rebelous teen. I was the child that cursed at her mother, didn't listen, made it horrible for my brothers to live peacefully for many years. I never did drugs, i never drank, but i was a horrible moody, angry teenager. My parents also divorced around my 12th birthday, my father got remarried within 2 months of the divorce being final. I hated him, hated my mom, I would go anywhere and do anything to just not be home. There was a 6 month period where i would come home and leave a note as soon as my mom would leave the house so she couldn't call the police and report me as a runaway. At one point i took her car, left it in a parking lot, tried to cross a major highway on foot. I just didn't care and was angry. It took my mom and my dad (seperately b/c they didn't talk much) to say you are no longer welcome in our home for me to even start to get a clue. My mother wrote me a letter stating her choice and why. She told me I can come home when i can live by the rules of the house and be respectful of everyone in it to HER satisfaction. She told me she would always love me and that she is broken inside to have to do this. However i was more than what could be far to the rest of the household. Don't write off a relationship with your daughter. It took many many many years for me to get past my stuff as a kid but now my mom is my best friend and i don't know what i would do without her. In time your daughter will realize what she is giving up. She will need you one day and you will be there, but you have to think of everyone not just her. I would however, go to the school conseler at whatever school she ends up going to (by her dad, or by you if she can respect you) and take the free resources that they offer to try to get her help. She will be resestent but at least that way she will know and you will know that you did everything you could for her. However, if you make the choice to not let her home (which i feel si the right one) you need to be prepared to follow that up with actions. Make sure you are ready to call the police if she does come back and she is being abusive to you or your other children. Good luck, this is a terrible situation.

Tina - posted on 07/02/2012

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Has she been tested for drugs/alcohol? If she is abusing something, or in an abusive relationship of any kind, it is not uncommon for girls to feel like mom should have known and lash out. Also possibly for bipolar disorder? I do know from experiences with my (now adult) daughter, if at any point you feel like her behaviour is endangering herself of others, you can take her to a mental health facility and request they observe her behaviour. Its not a fix, but it will buy you 24-48 hours of peace, and if there is any issue, can get her in the direction of proper help. I know there arent any fast answers (again, been there, done that, somehow survived) but I do think you need to know that feeling this way does not make you a bad mom..and neither does thinking of the effect is has on your other children. I would recommend that whatever you decide to do, make sure she knows that you still love her, but you cant live with her behaviour. She needs to understand that any outcome isnt your "fault" but rather a result of decisions you have been forced to make due to her attitude. Write down house rules..sign them, make the other children sign them, and then if she is going to continue to be around there, she has to sign them. Things like "no swearing" or "no hitting one another"..and an appropriate consequence.."loss of phone for 1 week:..etc. and be prepared to stick to it. And post them in a place you can refer to them quickly. We had ours taped to the inside of an upper kitchen cabinet door. That way when there is an "incident" she cant claim she didnt know not to do it..it's right there. I know that is a small suggestion, but its all I can pull out of my mind quickly right now. Will be praying for all of you, I know its a bumpy road. I can tell you that my daughter and I will never have the relationship i hoped for, but it is much better than it was. Sending supportive hugs and wishes your way.

Louise - posted on 07/02/2012

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You and your ex need to sit down and discuss what is going to happen in her future. If he has plans should he get sent down. Tell him that he has made the relationship so toxic that you feel unable to have her in the family home. See if he will wake up and smell the coffee, that she is better off with mum rather than a reluctant Aunt. This little girl sounds very abusive and she is taking it out on you. She needs to be in counciling and family therapy because she is on self destruct. This is more than teenage angst. May be a bootcamp is in order to make her realise what she is doing to the family and the relationship to you. Something needs to change and fast. I do not blame you for not wanting her back in your home. She has to learn manners and respect and she is not going to do that with the bad mouthing that her father is doing.

If you cant get any help from the father then speak to a family profesional about how to react with her. She seems very bitter that you left the marriage. She is a daddies girl and theres nothing wrong with that but she has to show you respect and obey the rules of the house if she wants to be part of the family. Maybe send her a letter telling her how much you love her and how upset you are that she tells such lies and steels. A letter will be read in her own time and she will understand it, if you try and talk to her she will put ther barriers up and you will get nowhere.

Linda - posted on 07/03/2012

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I have had this problem with my daughters also and I am not in a separated/divorce situation with my youngest daughter. It was a horrible time and full of heartbreak. They take out all their anger and frustration on you because you are safe. She knows you will not abandon her. You may temporarily but will be there if she calls and needs you. I have dealt with the disrespect also and the name calling and swearing. It is consistently not acceptable to call me names or use certain vulgar language in my prescence. I have gone to counseling with her and without her to deal with her. I have read books that could fill a library. All have some good advice and i pick what I am comfortable with and leave the rest. I have learned to walk away to stop a screaming match or to stop a disrespectful conversation. Once when in the car, my daughter called me a stupid b*&**. I turned the car around and drove the the nearest bus stop and gave her money and told her to get out and get a bus & call me when she hit a local community and I would pick her up but I was not getting stuck in traffic with her and her attitude. It shocked her and she apologized and changed her attitude. I have listened to screaming from her bedroom and doors slamming but as long as she stays there I can walk away and not react. I have called a support facility in our area called "Cactus" who have teams that will come out to your house if they are verbally abusing you or your property or worse. Only had to do that once. If she started to escalate into verbal abuse I only had to warn her I would call them. My oldest who is from my first marriage became angry and took it out on me because her dad left our state and did not communicate or participate with her life. It hurt that I was there for her and got through the divorce without his financial support or his participation in her life and now she was taking it out on me and trying to win his love for her. At 18 she got on a bus and went to live with him only to find out I was not lying about the facts I told her about to warn her when leaving me to live with him. I did not let her come back to my home because she was disruptive to the family and I had to think of my younger daughter and what was good for her and my husband and I. Taking care of yourself and other children is actually a good example to show her for her future. She needs counseling and so do you to deal with her and understand her. Understanding her does not mean tolerating her. Seek help from your Children and Youth Services. There are a lot of programs out there I was not aware of until I sought help. I did not care if people found out what was going on in my home. Everyone genuinely has things going on in their homes. But talking about it to others got me a lot of good advice on what all was available to help. My daughter has used drugs and I recently filed an "Act 53" to force her into rehab for help before she turned 18. I filed charges against her for stealing some of my prescibed medication to put more teeth into the Act 53. She hated me. But in time she understood and respects my decisions. Hold your ground but get support to do it. It's hard, embarrassing at times, heartbreaking and so on but it's your job to get them help and pay consequences whether they like it or you. I would not allow her in your home. She is not respecting you, your family or home. Talk to her on the phone, write her letters, text her, meet with her somewhere else until she learns to respect your boundaries. And if she is abusive you can tell her you are hanging up or can walk away and not tolerate it. She needs to earn it and you have little ones watching how you handle this before they start also. Keep in mind most of us are dealing with angry teens for one reason or another. Most of them grow out of it but it's hard to believe it while going through it. But you want her to grow out of it with a lesson in respecting you so you can have a healthy adult relationship some day and not be her constant whipping post. It would be great if you and ex could unite for the sake of this child and seek help together but he sounds a lot like my ex and will sacrafice her to punish you and he only cares about himself from what I read. She knows he may abondon her and she tolerates his behavior and you are getting the brunt of her anger. Do what you have to do with or without him and for awhile he may be her favorite parent but as she matures she will begin to understand and will appreciate you. But with all the things teens use to cope with pressure, (cutting, drugs, alcohol, sex to name a few) do whatever you need to get support for you and help for her and be consistent and make her pay consequences for her choices and behavior or she is going have a BIG shock in realty if she keeps this behavior up as an adult. Good luck I know just how very hard it is while going through it.

Danielle - posted on 07/03/2012

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Based on what you've written, the first thing that came to mind for me was your ex might be grooming her to act as his wife. It could be sexual but it could also be strictly emotional, which is why she has such hate for you while the other kids are okay. You need to keep her away from the other kids. As for wanting to push back on her-- I can relate. Thankfully, however, I only have to survive one more school year. Have you considered calling child protective services yourself to see what your options are? They might be able to give you advice on how you can protect yourself against her accusations. You said you're living with your dad? Definitely make sure you don't leave him alone with her or she could start lying about him too, which would jeopardize your custody of the younger children as well.

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Sarah - posted on 07/17/2012

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I thought I had trouble with my teen! I am so sorry for your situation, I can't imagine. I had a friend who was the out of control teenager, though not to this extent. My suggestion, call the police. One suggestion I liked was the parent that sat her child down with the probation officer. Try that, and let her know if she hits anything or anyone; if she doesn't come home for curfew; if she threatens anyone; or anything against the law you will call the police. And find out where the lines are! I'm not sure if her verbal abuse is a legal problem, but find out, and let her know! Make a list, like the mother suggested.
I saw that you'd tried counseling, try again. Look for a counselor you feel comfortable with and one she can relate to. A younger person might help.
I know it's better for you and your children to live with her Dad, but I worry what kind of adult she will become, and it doesn't sound like it's going to last much longer, anyway. I know you haven't given up on her, and I'm betting she does, too. You are in an ALMOST impossible situation, but she's young enough to be able for everyone to turn it around. It's better she learn now, at 14, than after she turns 18. An arrest then will affect the rest of her life irrevocably.
Good luck and God bless. I can't imagine what you're going through.
P.S. If you need to get a break and remove yourself until Sept, do it!

Jennifer - posted on 07/16/2012

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just to reach out to everyone -- i sent her a card this past weekend. it was a piece of construction paper i folded in half and drew a flower and some butterflies on. inside i simply wrote "you're my daughter and i love you. if you would like to respectfully talk about what is bothering you then i would like to talk too. i love you always - mom" i'm told the letter wasn't well received and she immediately showed it to her father (i assume thinking i did something wrong). her father told her something like "look, i understand you two aren't getting along, then just throw the card away but don't get all revved up about it." or something to that effect. so, that's that for now. i can only do what i can do. he's alienated her from me -- i'm convinced of it. the boarding school/military school ideas where something to think about -- i have to look into the cost though. and i can't hit her -- her dad will have DYFS over here asap. yet, she called him an "a**hole" once and he smacked her across her face to the point of leaving marks. he's emotionally abused her -- not so much physically -- but she's afraid of him nonetheless. and she doesn't except punishment from me. i have taken away her phone, i have "punished" her -- her attitude then becomes "now i have nothing to lose bitch -- see ya." and she walks out and i have no idea where she is. so, she can't live with me because she's not my only child and i can't control her. it's very, very sad. thanks again everyone!

Linda - posted on 07/16/2012

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First and foremost my heart goes out to all of the family and my family and .I will pray for you & yours My son & daughter are 17 & 15 I can relate to some of the feelings you may be feeling and some not mentioned such as loyalty, appreciation. I do feel for you but and cant see how either of you can allow her to speak to you in that manner its intolerable. This seems like there is much more than the issue of divorce. Send her to counselling for some of outside help, it wouldn't hurt to attend a couple yourself I'm sure being a mother of 4 school, & work seems like there will be no time but make it! This will help you get a more clear perspective on the situation & what they can offer as far as young kids youth groups.close to you home. If you haven't noticed a Church or a Boys & girls club , or Community Center near your home you will. It seems boundaries have been totally crossed for the both of you without any consequences if there were any placed .In my opinion kids need a form of CONSISTENCY if it is at a church or Community Center youth group your area. If your daughter is returning home to go to school in the district go to the school talk to the Faultily, administrators , & her Counselor advise them of your concerns & ask them for assistance with the situation. It hurtful & bothers me to hear the pro's you have for your daughter not to return home with her family This is uncomfortable for the both of you I'm sure!! but get help My daughter is 15 has given me a little attitude or been lippy. NEVER NEVER like the things you daughter has said to you. IF SHE DID SHE WOULD GET THE BEAT DOWN OF HER LIFE. THERE are consequences for actions in MY HOME

Danielle - posted on 07/13/2012

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Jennifer, you can deal with it (in reference to the deal with it bitch comment) by taking away her phone. If she can't be respectful to you using it, then you shouldn't be paying for it. You might change your deadbolt to use a key that she doesn't have access to and when she isn't home on time, she's locked out. Someone else commented on doing that. It only took a couple of times for the minor to get his/her ass home by curfew. Finally, I think I really would pack up her stuff and ship it off to her dad's/aunt's or send her off to a military-like school. They have them for girls too. Depending on your fiances, you might be able to get financial aid to help with the cost. Being off in boarding/military school would make it darn hard for her to see her boyfriend or go to Disneyland.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/13/2012

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She's out of control. It's gonna be tough but your gonna have to show her your not gonna put up with it. My son got a little out of control. I even called the cops on him a couple of times. Told him I would put him in milatary boarding school and showed him the one I was planning on sending him. But the whole time I kept telling him that I loved him and I wasn't gonna give up on him. But that he would be held responsible for his actions. When he threatened to run away I told him he does I will be the first to send him to YDC. When he ran one time I called the cops. He came home before they found him. They talked to him and told him that if they would have picked him up he would have been listed as a runaway and sent to YDC. When she steals, tell her she does it again you will press charges. She will act like your the meanest person in the world. But it's the only choice you have. In these day and times the government has taking away the parents ability to be parents. So to protect ourselves we have to involve them and hopefully seeing that your not gonna put up with it might help. Also talk to your exhusband about her living with him instead. You might be surprised when she starts acting the same way there. Good luck

Linda - posted on 07/05/2012

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I thought I would paste the IndependParent Survival Skills Training (PSST)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let's declare our independence. (Parent Rights)

Posted: 05 Jul 2012 04:19 AM PDT

PARENT RIGHTS


1. I have the right to be safe in my own home. No matter what I say that someone might not like, I have the right to not feel physically or verbally threatened in my own home.

2. I have a right to be treated with respect. I have the right not to be yelled at. If you need to tell me something, take care how you speak to me or I won't be standing around listening.

3. I have the right to take care of my own needs. My needs are at least as important as my other family members.

4. I have a right to speak my mind. If some people are going to find me judgmental, intolerant, or whatever, I will remind myself that they have a right to speak their minds too.

5. I have the right to take some time to consider the question before I give an answer. I have the right to "use my lifeline" and make a phone call or consult with someone I trust (my spouse perhaps) before I decide. If my teen HAS to know right now then the answer is NO.

6. I have the right to take a vacation from high-level drama. I recognize the highly addictive nature of drama and I realize that I don't have to "have" some everyday. Sometimes it's OK for me to just "pass" on the crisis-of-the day. I don't have to feel guilty just because I don't ALWAYS make someone else's problem my problem, even if it is my teenager.

7. I have a right to change. The way I coped with stressful things yesterday does not have to be the way I choose to handle stress today. Generally, people don't like to see other people change, unless of course it's the specific change that they prescribed; but that's their problem not mine.

8. I have a right to attend as many PSST meetings as I choose. I know that I am always welcome to the support and education that I find at PSST. If anyone tells me that I am wasting my time or that it's time I stood up and became a real parent who didn't need any help to make these tough decisions, then it's time that I told those people to please mind their own business.

9. I have a right to choose my own boundaries. I don't have to keep secrets about drugs, alcohol, crime, or violations of probation, for my loved ones.

10. I have the right to change my mind. It's a very basic right that is afforded to everyone. Yes, I know it can cause problems and some people will accuse me of being a liar. I know that if I "promise" something then I should try to follow through with that promise; however, sometimes I get "new information" and then I have to reconsider. Also, sometimes I make mistakes and I have to fix them the best way I can. Sometimes that means that I'm sorry but I made a bad decision and now I'm changing my mind.

11. I have a right to establish rules in my house. Within the limits of what's effective and what's reasonable, I can take steps to enforce my rules.

12. I have a right to disagree with professionals involved with my teenager's case. Just because a professional is considered an "expert" doesn't mean he is right. I'm an expert too: expert on my own teenager.

13. I have a right to not enable my teenager. No matter what my family may thing, if I think helping is hurting then I don't have to do it.

14. I have a right to be the parent and know that I don't really have the right to be my teenager's friend. Later, when I don't have to be the one in charge because my teenager has grown into a responsible adult, then maybe we'll be friends.

15. I have a right to pursue happiness, which may include having interests and hobbies that I feel passionate about, a career that I am proud of, or friends that I care about. I have a right to be more than just a parent and that even if my teenager is in placement or inpatient, life for me goes on.

16. I have a right to be as healthy as I can be and let my teenager(s) watch me do it. That's my gift. It's my right to give this gift to my family whether or not they seem to appreciate it at the time doesn't matter.

I know that some of these over-lap. Perhaps from time to time I will tweak this list. Please add the one's that I missed. Please comment on which one's you feel are most important in the comments section. These are rights that I've heard parents speak about at meetings.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY TO ALL PSST PARENTS EVERYWHERE both meeting goers and blog-readers! Hoping that the only fireworks you have to deal with today are the ones they shoot off in the sky!
ence Day Declaration I received from a support group I attend in my area for parent's dealing with teens called, "Parents Survival Skills Training (PSST) held weekly In Pittsburgh.

Linda - posted on 07/04/2012

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I think your idea to send her a card saying something on the lines you shared with us is a great idea. Take the time to care for yourself and your family. I am sure you have been a good mother and good example to her and she will realize it as she matures. My oldest daughter is still using drugs and lives a destructive life but she is an adult and I have done all I could for her. I know she loves me and she knows I love her but I do not have much of a relationship with her because of her lifestyle. I can't believe I have learned to move on and make the best of my life in spite of it. There was a time I didn't think that would be possible. But with support and time and effort I have been able to get through it. This doesn't always happen with our children and may not happen with yours either. But even if it does, there is life beyond raising children and being forever consumed with them, after all. Let us know how you are doing and how things transpire in the future.

Jennifer - posted on 07/04/2012

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I really really appreciate everyone taking the time to write to me. i can't begin to tell all of you how thankful i am. (thank you jennifer anderson for sharing your teen story. i'm so happy for you that you made it through those horrible years and you have a relationship with your mom now. that was encouraging :) to all that suggest enlisting dad for help ... her dad really is useless. in the first 2 weeks she was with him, he never discussed the facebook post with her -- or was interested in the 3 of us having a meeting about it. instead, she saw her boyfriend 3 times and went to disney world -- kid you not. i have punished her but it's truly a joke because she says "i'll do what i want bitch" and walks out. sends me a text message at her curfew time that says "oh well, i'm late -- deal with it bitch." she doesn't accept punishment. i'm told she's happier and more content with her father and aunt. i can't convince dad she needs help when she's happy with him. i'm sure disney world helped a lot with the mood - but i can't tell him he can't take her. it's absolutely insane and sad. very, very sad. i'm not sure which way things will go in the future. either she will remain content and happy with him and despise me or, because our relationship is so broken, will she get self-destructful -- meaning alcohol, drugs, etc. sometimes i wonder if she'll ever see (even as an adult) how wrong this all is. because our perception is off as teenagers so it's hard as an adult to know what was really going on. at any rate, i am going to send her a simple card that says "i love you, but cannot tolerate the way she treats me" ... something along those lines. something short -- to the point. you all gave some great suggestions on how to word that. and i guess i'll just do that here and there so she doesn't forget me and maybe someday she'll come around. THANK YOU AGAIN ALL OF YOU !!!!!

Jeannine - posted on 07/04/2012

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I'm still with my kids father, but I have gone through my daughter's divorce with her, so on that front I have watched what my grandkids are going though.

First of all, I did go through a "rough" patch with my daughter. She snuck out of the house in the middle of the night and had my mother come get her. I was informed of her where abouts and told she was going to live with my sister ( my mom was living there too). She was 15, barely. My mother hates me always has, I don't get it. She tried to turn my daughter against me since the day she was born. By 15 my mother succeeded. I was so worn down from all the attacks from my daughter towards me and my son, but rarely her dad. We let her stay there for one semester then she was begging to come home.

We took her to a child probation officer to discuss what could happen to her if she continued with her behavior of physical and mental abuse. It scared her straight, for awhile. We also be came worried when we caught her cutting herself. We promptly put her in a mental ward for teens. She stayed there for over a month. It helped her too, until she got around my mother again. It was around that time that she was first diagnosed with disascociative disorder.

We had to call the police because she was sneaking out of the house to meet a boy that threatened to stab me with the knife I was cutting her 16th birthday cake with. The cops found her and talked to her. They scared her pretty good. She was good FOR A LITTLE WHILE. I was getting so worn down. I had to have surgery, actually a few in a short period of time there. My sister's sister-in-law offered to take our daughter for a semester. She lived out of state, about a 10 hour drive. We decided to let her take our daughter. We were exhausted, defeated, probably where you are now.

After getting my health back and having a few months break I realized that no one would fight as hard for my daughter than I would. So I got her butt back home. I kept her under lockdown. She couldn't see my mother, her friends, no one. Any phone calls she received had to be on speaker phone with me in the room. She received letters in the mail, but I read them first, and i would check emails and print them out if I decided she could read them. She had to go to college and I sat in every class with her. This was my last ditch effort to save my relationship with her, but also to save her.

I ended up with 2 degrees and she as a best friend. She is now 27 and realizes what my mother did to her (all the hateful & hurtful things she said about me) really hurt my daughter. My mother is not allowed to spend time with my grandkids alone, on the rare occasion that she does see them.

If you hang in there, don't give up, she will eventually see what her father is saying and doing as a horrible thing. There could be mental illness like my daughter has, but it could all be his influence. If he is that toxic to her then talk to the courts about recinding his visitation rights. A psychologist should be able to back up how damaging your ex is to her well being. Well being is mental too, not just physical. Put her on lockdown. No phone without you, no internet, no friends, and no "dad". He is causing her too much pain.

Teens can be arrested in most states for being "incorrigible". It means if she mouths off to you or grandpa, or if she doesn't make her bed, you can have her arrested. I didn't know what to do do I called the local child probation office and they were a font of information and free. Therapy is an invaluable tool to help her realize who the bad guy is in this situation. The child when finally an adult, will resent the parent/ family member that bad mouthed the good parent.

Just try to remain strong. No one could have ever prepared me for how hard it would be to deal with a teenager, but it ends. It really does. Just try to keep in touch with her whatever you decide to do. My son was worse than my daughter, believe it or not. I'm looking foreword to him having kids and looking to me and asking me how I survived raising him. Lol He broke my nose because I made him wash a pitcher he put away dirty. It got really bad, but I used my daughter as the example because it sounds more similar to your case. By the way I also would wash my daughter's mouth out with soap when she cussed, even at 17 years old!

Kerry - posted on 07/03/2012

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I call age 15 Hell Year. For most kids it is a difficult year. Because of your family situation she is even harder. She needs to hear that you love her unconditionally and that means that no matter what she does you will love and support her but that you have rules that she must follow. What you do now she will remember. It's hard to put your around a child who is calling you a f.....g b..ch. DO it, and keep doing it, the payoff is great. Dr Phil has several books that really apply to you. Please, please, read them.

Vicki - posted on 07/02/2012

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I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. You are RIGHT that she cannot come back to your home while she behaves like this. Therapy will help over the long run if you have a good therapist. Dad is not going to help. I would be sneaky and set up a "nanny cam" so if she does come over you will have video proof of the way she interacts with you and the other kids. This will help in court and in therapy since you say she doesn't act this way in other's homes. It will also give them a basis in how to help YOU learn effective responses to her behavior. I know you don't want
to give up on her but this isn't giving up- it's making HER responsible for her behavior. Good luck and if you are religious prayer does help.

Marcella - posted on 07/02/2012

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First let me say this sounds like my son 1. maybe having sex That alone is a roller coaster. I have 4 boys i know ..& divorce. & one child who is 15 thats raising hell but when i got feed up i went to the court house and had him placed on probation & with that comes programs that will help & if she or he dont comply, as you know comes consequences. This is called love OUR children need to know the word respect ..And need to know that this world dont love you like you do stay firm dont give up....

Donna - posted on 07/02/2012

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Don't ever give up on your child. You say you don't want her living with you. I can understand you feeling this way with all the trouble she has caused but she need you now to get her help. See if her Dr. with refer her to a psychiatrist. I would also get her dad involved with this and tell him you want what is best for her. Tell him you are worried about her. She needs boundries and punishment. When she swears at you there needs to be consequences. Grounding, take away TV time, computer. You are her mother. I know a couple of kids that acted out because they never had any rules and they were looking for someone to step in and tell them they can't do this or that. Good Luck.

Michelle - posted on 07/02/2012

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I didnt read all of this. From what I read its no good for you or your other children, I havent been through this but all I can say is that if the sun shines out of your ex's bottom then tell her to get her arse in gear start showing respect to everyone and start acting like a civilised human being or to go live with her wonderful father and she can just visit you if she wants, make sure let her know you love her very much but you cant cope with her behaviour and it is not fair on your other children.

Coleen - posted on 07/02/2012

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My son is 16 and also his father is using parental alienation to turn him against me. and extended families( his and mine) do not help they hinder they don't want to get involved responsibly they want to act like the friend/good guy to the child or the so-called other parent. I haven't spoken to my son since Jan 2012. Until he can show me some respect it will stay this way. Be there for your daughter but with Rules and Consequences. My son also will have to go to a new school if he stays with his dad, but his chooses not mine or yours. Make sure she is fully aware of your expectations IF you take her back in Sept. and tell her you want to see a family therapist NOW to see if she can come back??(one that specializes in Parental Alienation I found one) once a week and as soon as she doesn't go she will have to stay with you ex or his home weather he is in jail or not with her ostrich aunt that is only enabling her loser brother. I also was in school full time while this happened to our family and thank God it was in Juvenile Criminial Justice because I would of hated my own son.. They really are being brain washed and it isn't thier fault. Get steal in your backbone and get all you can on the subject of "Parental Alienation what to do and its lasting affects on your child" and do everything in your power to help your daughter BUT do not allow her to treat you or anyone of your other children badly or she is O U T!!! I was told by every professional I have touch base with my son will come home someday to me and he also will be emotionally damaged due to the lies and behavior he spead out of his fathers mouth. Forgive and Forget do not blame the child. (23 is when thier brain is fully formed, scarey huh) Therapy, Therapy is all I can say...GOOD LUCK!! you will need it..and great friends) My family is worst then my ex if you can believe that!! so everyone has it worst♥ remember that!!!!

Jennifer - posted on 07/02/2012

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thank you so much for replying. this was helpful and basically the same as what a few friends have told me. it was interesting to see the thoughts of someone who doesn't even know us. her father actually left me after 17 yrs. of marriage because of another woman/mid-life crisis. her father discusses nothing with me and hasn't since he left. he doesn't feel like talking about anything ever makes a difference so "what's the point." i've basically raised the kids on my own and he takes them for visitation - when he can of course. i feel like i've been abused by everyone around me for years. i think i am starting to crack myself. and i have people saying "well you have to say something to her." my nerves are so completely and utterly shot from abusive people i have nothing left for someone who is just flat out mean and hateful. i am exhausted. no one understands this part. i've taken her to counseling -- i've written her letters -- i've talked with her -- listened to her. i am out of ideas other than "ok, just go be happy with your dad and/or your aunt then." and it's sad because her father has basically destroyed one of the most important relationships she'll ever have -- the one with me. but since he's left that's all he's wanted -- was to cut me at the knees somehow/someway. it's been one struggle after another. he was fine when he was still with the girlfriend -- actually, he really left us alone when she was in the picture -- he wasn't to much into the kids either at that time. but after they broke up, his focus turned to me and he was ANGRY. i can't even begin to tell you the physical and mental exhaustion i feel at this point. and i have to get myself together because i want to be all i can be for my other kids. i think i need to be good to me a little bit so i can feel better. thank you for listening :)

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