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Sofia - posted on 07/02/2016

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You are doing the right thing. You saved a child. He lost his chance and if he's honest about his change, he can pursue a relationship with her when she's older and capable of understanding the truth.

Sarah - posted on 07/02/2016

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I agree with the advice given thus far. Clarity for the child will come in time and she will learn that her grandparents are her parents now and her bio-parents are either part of or not part of her life. If you son is clean and wants to have a healthy relationship with the child, I would support that in the context that it is NOT a parenting relationship. If her bio-mom were to clean up the same would apply to her.
I am sure this has come up but I want to encourage to not trash-talk either your son or his girlfriend. To say that heroin was more important to them than their child, is not really fair. Addiction makes people do terrible things and yes they certainly did enough to lose parental rights to their child. Children can be fiercely loyal to even horrible, abusive parents so please keep that in mind that even though they did not parent her well at all; she probably will still love them. I hope that comes across kindly; because that is how I meant it. And kudos to you and your wife for being willing and able to parent again. Who knows what may have come of this little girl if your were not there for her.

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Sofia - posted on 07/03/2016

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I made a mistake---I though you were adopting her out.....but the two of you are adopting her! Well, this is very difficult. If you were strangers who perhaps had an open adoption, you can have some supervised visitations with 'daddy'. What hell. The only way to deal with this for your Sake and granddaughters is to take a break from your son. He's not part of this little family you have now. Keep him off limits for now because why? You are the rightful guardians and must protect granddaughter. It might be helpful in your mind that you and your wife start acting like her parents and tell your son to back off. Don't allow him in, make only scheduled visits

Sarah - posted on 07/03/2016

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Marc I support you 100% in holding your son and his wife accountable. You are absolutely right the they chose to stay in the addiction rather than seek the help they needed to improve the direction of their lives. I was not trying to pitch sympathy for the severed parents. The tricky thing with addiction is recovery is so very possible, you just have to want it badly enough. I try to imagine a child hearing; Well your parents were sick, and they could have chosen to get better but they did not, they chose to stay sick. What child would not wonder if she were not "good" enough for her parents to wan to get better? Helping her know that it was NOTHING to do you with her and everything to do with them, will be the goal of helping her process the whole mess. Again, what a lucky young lady, to have you!

Sarah - posted on 07/03/2016

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Playing daddy is not good for the child. Boundaries have to be set. Conflict will be there. That is the situation you are in. If you did not want conflict then child should be in a different family. You as the husband will need to set boundaries since your wife does not want to. He is your son and the love for him will always be there, but now there is a child involved and her needs come first. She needs a home where parenting roles are consistent and it does not flip flop. He can visit but he is no longer the parent and if he can't visit that way then he is not ready. He has made choices in life that has lead the situation to how it is now he must deal with those consequences that is part of him maturing and taking responsibility. That is your jobs as his parents. You must stop enabling! Allowing him to play daddy is to continue to enable and in return does not help your son or your granddaughter. You will have a hard road ahead of you, but if you enable your road will be much harder in the long run as you then do damage to the granddaughter that is life long.

Sofia - posted on 07/03/2016

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Something I'm not understanding: Is the adoption still going ahead?
Or is your wife having second thoughts?
If he plays daddy---let him, unless he's using discipline. Why not let him 'play'....keep the peace and then when the adoption goes through...let it happen.
There are two issues I see: You want to protect granddaughter AND you want a good relationship with son in the future. You can't have both. Your priority now, as you know is granddaughter. Let son play with her, under your guidance...keep calm. Don't make any promises to him.
Make scheduled visits. And keep them short.

Sarah - posted on 07/02/2016

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I agree with Evelyn. Family adoptions are hard. Not everything is going to be fair or right, but it ALWAYS NEEDS TO BE WHAT IS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD. Your son is now an adult. The child's needs need to come first. This is why family adoption is not always what is best for the child because of the mixed relationships. I would highly suggest two things. 1. Get involved in a family therapist that can do both family therapy and also play therapy for the child. I would do that now and continue that throughout the child's life with you. There are going to be challenges with rules and boundaries all the way through. 2. Read and watch the dvd's by Karyn Purvis. She is a HIGHLY recommended person who deals with many adopted children and their families. The book "The Connected Child" is where I would start first.

Ev - posted on 07/02/2016

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That is why you need to set up rules about when he is allowed to come over and not. Regardless of being your son, he has to learn that once you adopt this child, you and your wife make the decisions about her life, not him.

Ev - posted on 07/02/2016

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I agree with the other ladies. He has no right to even be around her and if you are adopting her he most likely will not be able to fight for his rights back since the state took them away after he had failed to do what was needed to keep her himself. If you do allow the visits from time to time, make rules and set boundaries about it. It is up to you to make sure she is safe and well cared for. Also make sure she understands he is her bio father and who her bio mother is and tell her that for certain reasons they could not take care of her at the time and now she is your child. How old is she?

Sarah - posted on 07/02/2016

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I agree. Time to set up boundaries and rules. He lost his rights. You are now her parents, so now you have to make those boundaries in what is the best for her.

Michelle - posted on 07/02/2016

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Well he doesn't have any rights to see his daughter. They have been taken away from him so unless he goes back to court to fight for his rights back, you don't have to allow him to have his daughter overnight or even visit him.
You also have every right to stop him coming around if it is upsetting her. You have the law on your side but it's up to you how much you stop him from being in her life.

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