Nothing feels right anymore (depression, anger, money, jealousy, revenge)

[deleted account] ( 39 moms have responded )

I apologize before hand ladies because this is going to be a LONG post. I am going through a severe depression. I know something is off about me probably hormonal or personality, all I know is I am not the same person I was before my marriage or children.

Don't get me wrong I love my children. I have two beautiful daughters 4 and 2 years old. I have been married for 7 years, engaged for 3. So, basically I've known my husband for 10 years. I have to confess this is probably more than anything be a bashing my husband post. I have been a faithful wife to my husband and i'm sorry i'm not perfect I have flaws. One being jealousy, anger, being scared that my husband will cheat on me and leave me. I guess I feel this way because I gave up everything for this man. We're both pretty young, I'm 29 and he's 28. I gave up college, I gave up working (having any sort of a social life), friends, basically my life.

Ok, i just realized I can not explain my story to the fullest cuz I have too much to explain etc, etc. I'll just get to the point the best I can. I think my marriage is on the brink of the (d word). I think i'm holding on to too much anger and pain and I don't know how to get rid of it. I want to get over things, I don't want to keep rewinding and watching something in my head over and over. I want to be strong, I want to be independent, I don't want to have to rely on my husband for everything. My husband has only been living with me and in the country for 4 years and I feel like he's getting everything he ever wanted in life. I'm happy for him cuz I will always have his back and help him. But now I feel like I'm left behind. I feel like I never got what I wanted out of life. I didn't get to finish a college education so I feel stupid. I feel lower than dirt at times cuz this is not what I wanted. I mean yeah I wanted kids and I'm greatful but I wanted things before them.

Now after typing all this and reading it, I feel embarrassed. Do I sound like an insane woman? I really need to get out of the house. I just spent the entire morning crying because my husband made me upset. How do I not care about the hurtful things my husband says?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Victoria - posted on 06/10/2013

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I'm really sorry to hear you feel like this, however, you are DEFINITELY not alone. I think the majority of women can say we've been there at one point. My suggestion to you is 1)Try getting out of the house and making some time for yourself. If your husband is as good as you say he is, he will be supportive and let you get in some "me" time. 2)Share your feelings with your husband. You may be bottling things up inside and this can be dangerous. When we don't vent our anger or let it out in some constructive way, it never ends up pretty. 3)If all else fails, get some counseling. I'm not saying this in a bad way, believe me. Sometimes we need someone to talk to who is not going to judge us; someone who doesn't know us. It's not easy to spill our guts to someone we are going to be around all the time. I really hope this helps.

Ashley - posted on 06/11/2013

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Dont feel embarassed, you wouldnt believe how many of us ladies out there have the same feelings as you. I happen to be one of them. And i too at times feel embarassed because i had such different expectations for how my life would be. Career, friends, hobbies,...Im almost 30 and I have allowed two men to run my last dozen years. Both cheated, and i foolishly stayed with my current thinking i can forgive. I have allowed insecurity to make me stop striving for more. I too want to let go of the bitterness, anger and stress, stop fearing i may never be enough... Move on, in a positive direction... Healthily!! Thats my goal:) good luck to you. I wish you piece of mind that you are not alone. Thank you for your post

Beth - posted on 06/11/2013

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I haven't read any of the other responses so I hope I'm not redundant. Feeling stuck and helpless is only going to get worse. as your girls get older they will start to pick up on your anger/depression/anxiety. I would give you a hug right now and say take a deep long breathe. Now think about what you want and write it down. Start working towards your goals. If your husband wants to be supportive like he should then great, if not its time to move on and work very very very very hard. You should start looking into different programs you are eligible for and have a game plan. Make your goals/dreams a reality will be very very hard work. I wish you all the best and air hug again. Everything will be ok if you take charge, be a bit aggressive and stand up for yourself and your girls.

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 06/11/2013

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Tara, life doesn't have to be so sad. Im not sure of your exact situation and how exactly your husband has caused you pain. I do know that we all get hurt by the people we love sometimes and that's where we need to find it within ourselves to have forgiveness and acceptance of others flaws. If your husband is truly mistreating you then you don't have to settle for this. Me and my husband have had our rough patches and we've hurt each other over the years unintentionally. We do promise each other to recognize when our behavior is hurtful and work in it though. That's all I can ask right? No one is perfect but if someone is willing to own up to their mistakes and shows effort into fixing the pain they caused then it shows they love you. You guys seem like your having serious communication problems and would probably benefit from marriage counseling. If he shows no interest in learning how to fix the problems so you can be happy then he probably isn't worth too much. You also need to be able to take responsibility and apologize for your mistakes because it's a two way street

Nicole - posted on 06/11/2013

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Hang in there my friend. You are depending on your husband to make you happy. The thought is "we are together and you must make me happy",no! You must make your self happy. I too blamed my husband for my unhappiness but later found I was the main culprits. It was to difficult for me to make changes I needed to make but very easy to point out his need to change. Best advice...work every day towards what makes you happy. Good luck!!! Evelyn

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Jill - posted on 08/20/2014

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Tara, it has been more than a year now..How have you been? I just wonder how you went through this thing you were saying. I hope everything is now okay. I'm single but a married friend told me nothing is a "smooth sail" in marriage. It's really how you handle it.

Kelly - posted on 08/30/2013

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I understand what you're going through to an extent. I gave up alot for the man I'm with now and I think to myself was it worth it? it's never too late to go back to school and finish what you started. never blame anyone or yourself because there is still hope for having a life that YOU want for YOU and your children. I would never regret having my beautiful daughter that I live for everyday, but sometimes I regret being at the wrong place at the wrong time and doing stupid things for love. You don't sound insane, you sound frustrated and fed up with being your own worst enemy, I have the same problem. I over think and blame my hub for the way my life is... but it's not his fault because I chose it. it's up to me to change it. You're the key to your own happiness. If you want to be In dependant go be an In dependant strong woman that you know you are. Remember you're only 29. life isn't over... it's just the beginning.

Iya - posted on 06/14/2013

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I read what you wrote, and i am cry because you have two kids that need you the most. i think you need to do what you dream, go to college, and gp out with your friends for coffee.
you are not insane, believe me. some man sometimes doesnt understand. i am kinda have culture shock in my new place here at the moment, but once a year i always go back to my country and meet my new mate from school, is really helping me a lot meeting my old friends.

Rhonda - posted on 06/14/2013

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Lets cut to the chase:
You sound very impatient with your husband, yourself and your life. Is that right?
This is what I discovered:
Just below IMPATIENCE is an unmet need.
Just next to the UNMET NEED is inadequacy.
INADEQUACY is the fear of not being enough or unworthy of love
watch this youtube by Dr. Brene'Brown on shame and vulnerability and you may just have a life changing euphony!
.. I took the time to write you, to give you a message, metaphorically and literally; YOU
ARE WORTHY OF MY TIME AND ATTENTION.
straight from my heart and laced with professionalism.
Rhonda

Katie - posted on 06/13/2013

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Hi Tara,

It's hard for anyone to give advice in a situation they know nothing about. I have felt these things too at some point. The anger and depression. I would suggest reaching out to someone. Maybe a doctor or therapist? There is no shame in needing help, which i discovered the hard way:) Most importantly, you need to focus on being well for yourself and your children.

I would love to chat with you privately, if you would like to email me:) 3wittlebirds@gmail.com. I would be happy to share more.

[deleted account]

After some serious soul searching and thought I've come to the conclusion that maybe I was just being a whiny, foolish little child. I know to a lot of you I sound like I have no self confidence or self-esteem. The truth is I have lost a lot of self-esteem. I used to be a confident, social and independent person. I don't know why I felt that if I act like I need my husband that we would have a better marriage...? I guess cuz he's needed me for so long to help him that I just wanted the same in return.

Anyway, I realize now and I guess I've always known is that no one will love me or understand me more than ME and god of course, I know marriage isn't easy and that it comes with the good and the bad. Its up to each spouse how they deal with the good and then come the bad. No one is perfect, everyone has flaws. I do love myself, even with the flaws. I know what kind of person I am and who I want to be.

When it comes to school. I have a plan and goals, so hopefully I can achieve them when I have more time to myself. My kids are young and they need me more than anything, it wouldn't be right if I took this precious time away from each other. I love my kids more than anything. I love my husband too, no matter how much he aggravates me. Another thing, I'm working on is to relax and not take everything seriously. I don't want to waste my time being sad or upset when I could be spending that time being more productive to my children and to myself.

I want to thank everyone that took the time to reply and for their kind words. I know life is hard and nothing is ever easy. It's up to "us" as people to live our lives to the fullest. I thank god that my family is healthy and we have food on the table. I love being a mom to my kids too :)

Wilma - posted on 06/12/2013

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Your husband cant make you happy - thats your job. You are not pathetic at all and have every right to expect him to be supportive and a solid partner. But he cant make you feel any way unless you let him. Dont let him sleep well while you stay up crying.I dont know what you have in your area but my suggestion would be to find out if there is a womens share group - I went to one after my divorce for battered women and ended up volunteering. It is very important for women to have friends to talk to.

[deleted account]

Tara, You have to Love YOU first. If you do not love you how are you going to be able to love your children. You have to take care of you first, then others. From what you wrote i am taking that you really do not have a positive self image of yourself.
Try looking in the mirror and telling yourself all the positive stuff you are...that which you were before the marriage and the kids is still in there.

I am 31 and i just learnt to look in the mirror and tell myself I am filled with so much greatness about 6months ago...i learnt how to look beyond the outward appearance...it took a while coz each time i would attempt to say something positive i started crying because i did not believe at first...when i finally believed what i was saying to me....i walked away from the mirror feeling sooo good.

we are always a work in process and we are going to feel negative so many times in life but we have to learn to rise above...pick ourselves up and keep going.

Love you
Take Care of You

PS. kids are very good observers, sometimes we do not give them enough credit...so they can pick up on your emotions:)

I am praying for you
Stay Strong

Jackie - posted on 06/11/2013

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My best friend has destroyed three marriages to great guys with her constant jealousy, suspicion and questions. At least one lost two jobs because of her constant phone calls to check up on him.

Think about this: If you love something set it free. If it comes back it is yours; if not it never was.

[deleted account]

Wow, I can't believe how many people actually responded to my post. I really thought no one would read or think twice about my post. Even after writing it, i felt weird. I know everyone feels like this once in a while but it's like who ever actually comes out and spills their guts is the one with severe problems. That being emotional, psychological or whatever.

Theres so much I have not opened up about. I have major trust issues with my husband cuz he's broken it so many times. I just can't understand why someone who says they love me and would do anything for me never once tries to go out of their way to make me happy. Am i not worth it to him? I do love him, i just hate this feeling in the pit of my stomach that as a woman and wife, that i have to keep taking disrespect from him. I always thought husbands were men that are truly in love with their wife and would literally do anything for them to make them happy. I don't know why but it's like I get upset about anything that comes out of my husbands mouth. How do I calm down? Today I blew up at him over the most stupid thing...I'm just tired of these incidents. Everytime I try to talk to him, he ignores me and that ticks me off cuz it makes me feel im not worth anything to him. Deep down I know my anger is all due to the pain he causes me. I can't say he's the worst man in the world, cuz he's not. I just feel like we bring out the worst in each other. All I want from him is to admit that he's done me wrong. I guess thats something that will never happen. Most men never change especially after they get married.

Sometimes I feel like taking the kids and running away to start a new life. If I didn't have my kids I would have done something along the lines of running away. Anyway, now that my husband and I are fighting yet again we're not gonna speak to each other or stay in the same room or sleep. He will sleep, but I won't.


Ok i'm done venting again....
here comes the embarrassment and now coming to truly realize I am a pathetic woman that desperately wants to my husband to make be happy.

sorry.

Payshance - posted on 06/11/2013

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Hello Tara I to have a daughter name Tara but on to the subject the d word should be your last resort u need to sit and really think what u won't out of life for u and your two children because if u are not good your kids aren't so just sit and pry think and listen to what god has to say to u I may have not been any help but when I read this I had to leave a comment.

Souriya - posted on 06/11/2013

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You are not crazy. I have been in the same boat. Now I'm doing alright.
The Army kicked me out for reduction in force. Fancy word for getting laid off. My husband is the only one working to support me and my 2 yr old daughter. He is in the Army. I already felt depressed from being laid off, stupid cause I didn't finish college and get a degree I wanted, and worthless cause I can't contribute to income.
I got off my butt and used my post 9/11 GI Bill. I know not everyone has this but going to school will make you feel better. It made me feel like I am finally going to grow up and be somebody. I don't want to sit around and be a home mom for the rest of my life. You sound like a worker. I encourage you to speak with your husband about taking out a loan for school or look for scholarships out there. I'm currently doing school online. I go to Keiser University. I live in Oklahoma and will move to Fort Drum, NY soon.

I felt angry and jealous because my husband gets to live his dream. Doing the Army work he likes. I'm mad the Army kicked me out. I have honorable discharge. It's hard not to hate, be bitter, say mean things sometimes or cry a lot. Shoot, I did all of that. It's normal. For people who have no idea what it is like to feel depression or unhappy about a situation, they will never understand. Can't explain to a bone head what being laid off feels like.

Sit down and figure out what you like.
What are you passionate about?
What kind of job will you enjoy doing or working with? Medical assisting? Nursing? Lab technician?
What kind of environment do you want to be in?

I am learning to become a Medical Assistant. I have many months and a year to go before I graduate. I like helping people. Plus I have to think about how to keep up with the economy. Medical is a big deal. People will always need to see a dr. everyday. I want to help contribute and get my independent card back. You know who I am doing this for? This is for me. You will feel so much better when you figure out your passion and stop being scared. I was scared to go back to school. Here I am, it is definitely worth it.

I hope you are able to talk it out with your husband. Best wishes.

Alicia - posted on 06/11/2013

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Tara if your this upset then maybe you do need to think about the 'd'word and i'm not one for that. i'm always for trying to work it out but if after talking to him and trying to work things out then if there is nothing left then maybe you have to. my husband and i have been together since 07 and we have had problems too. my husband works away from home and i'm always afraid that he'll cheat. money will always be a problem for everyone you just need to work with what you got. does your husband work? as for you going to college go now. you can always go back my husband went back to college for two years and yeah we had to move across the province but we did it and he went back. also there is online college courses that you can complete i did it. does your husband help out around the house? if not he needs to. i also think that you need to get out and have a girls weekend out or go to the movie with some girl friends. the other thing that i found when i got like that my husband and i had a date night where we had family watch the kids and i got to dress up and we went out for supper where we talked about us and our relationship and things were a bit better after that and we were able to work things out.

try some of these and maybe things will look up

Loretta - posted on 06/11/2013

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It might be helpful for you to talk to a counselor who could help you sort out your options and be clear about your situation. It is difficult with the small amount of detail in your post to tell for sure whether your husband is really being abusive and holding you back or whether you are blaming him unfairly for your own lack of accomplishment and initiative. I have been in both places, so I am not judging. Depending on the temperament of your children, you might find it easier to wait a few years for them to be a little older before you try to go back to school, but that doesn't mean you're stuck where you're at forever. It also doesn't make you less of a person. My sister dropped out of her 2nd year of college after getting pregnant with my niece. It has always bugged her (25 years later even), but she is an amazingly strong woman and now has a very good job and is respected and admired. She still hopes to go back to school some day when her youngest is older, but she hasn't let that hold her back from being her best self.
You do defintely need to take time away from your house and your children to get a break and stay in touch with who you are as a person. Parenting young children and taking care of a home is a relentless and often thankless job and it wears down the best of people. But this stage of life passes more quickly than you can imagine, Get all the support you can and know there is much life still ahead for you.

Chelsey - posted on 06/11/2013

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No, you don't sound insane. You sound unhappy. You sound like someone who's taken stock of her life and are not happy by what you see.

My quick-and-dirty advice? Get out and do something for YOU. Enroll in on-line college classes. Take a class you've always wanted to do. Do something for you and ONLY you. Do whatever it is you need to do to be proud and happy with yourself. You know what it is you want (independence, a life, etc.) - now go out and do it.

I'm not entirely sure it's your marriage that's going down the drain, but you are certainly resentful because of how your life has turned up. And that's okay (as weird as that sounds). We all have to have a "Come to Jesus Moment" (as my mom calls them) where we starkly realize that we need to make some changes.

{{hugs}}

Janet - posted on 06/11/2013

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Way to go Wilma. Kinda sounds like the movie"Burning Bed". But with a better ending.

Victoria - posted on 06/10/2013

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Wow! Thank you, Wilma! That was a very inspirational post! I highly admire you for your persistence. I am enrolled in school and it isn't easy studying with two toddler children, but I refuse to give up! Good luck to you!

Wilma - posted on 06/10/2013

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I think some of the posts here are helpful - I am not one to agree with "clergy" advice and I am not in favor of medications unless absolutely necessary. However I was in a very similar situation - I married young and by 21 I was pregnant with child #1. I did not want to marry my ex husband because my dream was to go to school and get my education. He promised I would but never let me. My ex husband was very abusive so I found out after I got pregnant. The religious leaders told me to basically shut up and put up - obey. I knew that was wrong. Eventually I started taking A class just 1 got pregnant again with child # 2 which I had planned but was so sick during the pregnancy I had to quit my then husband said that I tried and failed - no school for me. Well I was devastated I love my kids with all my heart but by 25 I had no life and no dreams - no hope. I decided that was not good enough - I went behind his back enrolled in school and he broke 3 ribs smashed my head into a table and ripped hair from my skull - but I refused to quit. I told him he would have to kill me. I took my babies to school with me because he refused to watch them. I studied hiding in the shower so he would not throw my books away and in the car and in line at the supermarket and anywhere. Sometimes my daughters bedtime stories....History 101. I graduated with a BS in Business management with a 4.0 GPA. I did it in only 4 years. My daughter looked up at me and said she was little - "the proudest moment of my life mommy was when they said your name with honors " I left my husband in the end because of the abuse I got my kids away from it and I have one thing no one can take away - an education. If your husband loves you he should support you and your endeavors may be it will take some time I hear some resentment and even mommies and wives need to feel fulfilled find your passion and try to get your husband to be on the team - if he is abusive ie: "hurtful things" I am not sure what he says then maybe you need to seek some counseling to see what your options are to protect you and your kids. Good Luck

Diana - posted on 06/09/2013

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Life is not easy! It is full of challenges! I am 42, married for 23yrs., cosmetologist, Health coach, and a mother of 8 children. I did not tell you all that to say Look at me! I am sharing with with you because I know where your coming from. I did get my cosmetology license right out of high school. I also married a few months after. After 4 years of marriage and two children, I had to quit working, my daughter did not want to take a bottle. Baby could not come to work with me. From there, my husband got a job offer to work with a friend to fulfill his dream in photography. then called to preach, went through 4 years of school then finishing with 6 children at the time. We were on the mission field and felt my husband was getting all recognition for everything. Two more children later, needless to say, our relationship did not seem like it should. we were at each other's thought. I say all that to help you in many way. You both need to start building your relationship again. My husband & I still go on dates. I have had to go back to work and my husband can't get a job. I just finished a certification in Health Coaching (which I did via internet) and have a new business we are building together. Don't give in with anger and don't give up! Personal development is important for you!! check out this video and let me know what you think. http://youtu.be/R1aKa3JI2V8

Lala - posted on 06/09/2013

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It's not the end of the world. You can still go back to school. I am new stay at home mom and I'm pursuing an online masters degree. Being married and having children should not stop you for pursuing your goals. Just as long as these goals are in line with your family. Also, I'm seeing waaay to many "I's" in your post. We all give up something for our family. It's wrong to go back and feel bad about it. You should be happy about the success your husband is having. Lastly, marriage is not fifty/fifty.... We should not sit around and quantify what we do for our love ones. Our pastor once said marriage is about giving 100%.. laying down your life for the sake of your husband or wife.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. I'm just sharing what I've learned.

Rali - posted on 06/09/2013

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Hi, Tara,

You have got two kids under five and must be exhausted. No wander you feel like you do. I have been there and what I have done was to talk to my health visitor and GP and started taking a lower dose antidepresants. It made a massive difference in the way I felt and helped me cope with an absolute exhaustion. My younger son who is 18 months didnt sleep at all the first year of his life and screamed 24/7
And yes going out, socializing, talking to people does make you feel better. If you feel trapped by motherhood why dont you think of going to work even if its partime. But first my advice is to check your low moods with a medical professional and get some help. Good luck and keep strong. Rali

Carlie - posted on 06/09/2013

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First: you should not be embarrassed about how you feel. Your feelings are real. It is normal to feel this way. Now it is about the steps "you" can take to do something for "you". Us women, need to empower ourselves. Men do a really good job of taking care of themselves and we can do the same. The first step is decide what you want to do first... get out of the house, do something for yourself, go to school, etc. Start small, so that you do not get overwhelmed. In order to do this, we you will help from others to take care of the kids. As women, we tend to take care of everyone else except for us. Take charge of your life, because you only have one.
As for holding onto anger and pain... we need to let the past be lesson we learned and let's live in the present. You can't change what has happened, but let it make you a stronger and smarter woman. Hope today is a better day for you.

TJ - posted on 06/09/2013

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Tara... you said earlier: "I just spent the entire morning crying because my husband made me upset. How do I not care about the hurtful things my husband says?" and I feel I must focus on this little bit of input rather than any other part of what you've told us.

Would you please elaborate on this a little bit? I do not like what I think I am hearing here....

Heather - posted on 06/08/2013

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Try to go on regular dates with your husband. Do fun things together while the kids are with a baby-sitter. Dating helps me enjoy my husband more than anything else.

Don't worry about college right now. In a couple of years when your kids are in school, you can start going part time and it will be easier.

Eat healthy and get exercise in the fresh air.

Read the scriptures. I find a lot of peace in reading the gospel, especially the New Testament. Jesus loves you and you are precious to him.

I wish you the best! Heather

User - posted on 06/08/2013

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My first husband left me when my daughters were 3, 1, and 3 months. I thought about driving my car into the river. My daughters are the ones that kept me from doing it; I could not take three innocent lives and there was no way I was going to take mine and leave them with their father! My second husband was abusive to all of us. after almost 10 years of marriage, I finally said that was enough! I have been married to my current husband for almost 11 years, the best man I have ever met! A couple of years ago, I was diagnosed with severe depression, something I have been battling with since I was a teenager a did not know it. My daughters are now 29, 27, and 26; I have 7 grandchildren, I have been in college for a year now, and I will be 52 later this month!

You said you are going through severe depression; have you talked to your doctor about it? I am taking two different medications for mine, and it has made a big difference in my attitude and outlook on life! I have to stay on them for the rest of my life, but others do not have to. This may be what you need. Your daughters need you! I should have asked for help when my daughters were young, maybe I would have been a better mother!

[deleted account]

It's weird that when I'm upset it literally feels like walls are caving in in me and I feel so distant from everything and everyone. But then that light at the end of the tunnel shines through with a phone call or a reply from ladies off a Internet blog. I can't thank you ladies. Enough for taking the time to read my post and reply. I know it's hard for a mother no matter what age. I'm just so glad and relieved that I can vent a little and get things off my chest and not feel too much like a crazy hysterical woman.

I understand and agree that we should appreciate and be greatful with what we have. It's just sometimes when it gets stressful and difficult, it's hard to see what we're truely blessed with. I know what I have and I know I can do what I need to in order to achieve my dreams.

Thanks again.

Loree - posted on 06/07/2013

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Ohhh, how refreshing to have a mom be honest about how hard it is to BE a mom to young children! First of all, you are dealing with having children that need you all of the time, and probably a husband who needs you for stuff, sex, ect...so who gives you what YOU need...probably no one...it gets exhausting giving all of the time and although being unselfish is great..moms have it tough because they rarely get back what they give to their family...but at any age, being a mom is a lot of work..and in our society, moms don't get enough credit for what they do!!! I was a mom at your age, and went through the same stuff! My husband traveled and went to some fun places, while I stayed at home and went to graduate school...and raised our son...I was happy to be with my son because we had a hard start of it, he was born 4 pounds, and in NICU for a while..but still...learning to be on your own, sort of in your own world, away from a big social network is hard...Much later, and being a single mom when my son was 3, and after 7 years of having a big job, in a big city, I am again a mom who stays at home with my 4 and 5 year old. My 5 year was diagnosed with Autism...so even though I had that big job, and did what you might think you long to do...have a career, ect...it isn't always greener on the other side...I feel so lucky to stay at home with my kids and not have to rush them to daycare, but I totally relate to how you feel because you seem to have a life that is dedicated to your family which is great, but it makes you swim in a small fishbowl...I guess what I wish to convey to you, is that you are really young, although you probably feel like your life is passing you by and you are missing out...but it flies by, and this time will pass quickly and you will find another path as your children age and you have more freedom to do what you want..and you might find yourself surprised to miss the time you have right now with your kids...as I did when I was in a high powered job, dressed to the nines, in business meetings walking down Michigan ave. in Chicago, and missing watching sesame street and hugging my son and getting sweet kisses...so just remember, this too shall pass, and time flies by us and things change...relationships ebb in and out..go through rough and good patches...and at the end of the day..just pray..thank God for what you have, pray for what you want..and be thankful for what you already have..
And never feel bad for feeling bad..it is very healthy and perfectly normal...I just turned 45...and I have learned a few things along the way...hope I was helpful..
God Bless...

Kimberly - posted on 06/07/2013

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Your welcome! I honestly know how you feel and I just wanted you to know that you are not alone! Just trust in God and believe that he will get you thru this. I have many days that I wonder why he would put me thru this and why everything seems to be so hard for me but I have to just remind myself that he only gives us what he knows we can handle. You may not think you can but he knows you will come out on top! Good luck!!

[deleted account]

First off, I want to say thank you for replying to my post. That took a lot of courage and guts to tell your story. I feel horrible for what happened to you but I also want you to know your a very inspiring strong woman.

I'm actually thinking about going back to school. I'm going to register for summer school to improve some high school marks so I can get into the program I've always wanted then finally graduate. Even though it has been years almost a decade since I went to school, i'm going to do it no matter how old that makes me feel.

Thats so funny how you mention God, just this morning out of frustration and pain I cried and said that I was angry with God because of the way my life is. I wish I can take back those words and I know I said it out of frustration because I love him and I know everything that happens is because he's testing me. And I don't want to fail.

Thank you again for your reply. You have helped tremendously more than you know. :)

Kimberly - posted on 06/07/2013

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My case is a little diff than yours but maybe my story will help you. I got pregnant at 16 and had my first child at 17. Her dad was never around and still isn't. I have 2 other children who I had with a very abusive and controlling man. I dropped out of school at 17 to take care of my baby. I've dealt with a lot just to wind up single raising 3 kids alone. None of their fathers are around. I finally decided that I needed to do something with my life cuz being 26 living with my parents and had never had a job in my life wasn't helping me or my kids. 2 years ago I moved 5 hours away from my hometown to where my mom lived. I needed to start over! Within a month I had my first job. After a month of working I met the man I am still with today. We didn't move in together right away but he helped me find an apt and for the first time in my life I had my own place and was taking care of my kids without anyone's help! I felt like I was doing so good! Then the worst thing happened one night. I came home from work and put my kids to bed and a man broke into my home and raped me. I thought why is god letting this happen to me when I was doing so good for once. I felt like giving up! But my boyfriend didn't let me! He moved my children and I in with him and when I was ready I went back to work. I have slowly gotten over that and realized that bad things happen to good ppl and its just gods way of testing you to see how you handle it. I worked for another 6 months and then I decided that I wanted to go back to school to get my GED. I had said for 10 years I was going to do it but with 3 kids it was hard. He allowed me to quit my job and go back to school. Within 3 weeks I had my GED and just recently finished my first semester of college! I am 28 years old and have 3 kids that are 11,8, and 7 and I am going to college and I'm going to make something of myself. Not just for me but for my family! Don't ever think its too late to go after your dreams!

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