Obsessed over teen daughters first relationship

Gen - posted on 07/14/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My 14 year old daughter just finished her freshman year. Two new-ish friends joined her current circle of friends and she soon became very close to both, as the school year progressed. These two new friends, are a boy & girl, who happened to also be dating. As the year went on, we noticed that our daughter started mentioning the new "guy friend" a lot - who I shall call "Jake.". When we asked about him, she would just reply, "Nothing is going on, we're just friends. Plus, he's dating so & so." But, we continued to notice more and more mentions of Jake, all very casual – and, a lot of texting between the two. He was even asking to come watch her perform at a meet (of the activity that she's active in). But, she was nervous about it and begged him not to come, even though he insisted. He respected her feelings and did not come. She even shared with me that he was asking advice from her about his current relationship with his girlfriend, at the time. As Spring ended, he and the other girl ended their relationship and started paying very obvious attention our daughter. When the school year ended, they started hanging out together, ie. Going to the movies (he paid), hanging out at our local plaza (bought her food & such), a day at the fair (he paid for everything), and he even invited her to his family's 4th of July beach gathering. Recently, he was out of town for a week. So, they did not see each other, but, texted all day and into the night. Being the parent, I would occasionally check her Instagram to make sure she was posting appropriate things (or you can call it snooping – but, any parent of a minor should monitor their child's social media activity). Anyway, I noticed that all the pics of he and her from their recent times together were deleted. Hmmm? So, the other day, I asked if her and "Jake" made any plans to hang out this week, now that he's back in town. She replied, "No. But, anyway, we aren't like that. We're just friends. We were never official." (Wait. What? I am so confused.) When I asked what happened she was quick to say that it was a long story and didn't want to talk about it. I asked if he hurt her and she said that he didn't. I ask to re–confirm that they were just friends and she confirmed. I am now in dark as to what happened, why it their not-official dating is no longer. It went from me knowing everything to nothing – just like that. She doesn't "seem" to be hurting. But, I do sense a different emotion or vibe about her. Yet, all day yesterday, she seemed to be texting with him. Jake is a nice kid. And, we were able to meet his parents, too, and they were very nice and warm towards our daughter. So, am I crazy for feeling a little obsessed and wanting to know what happened. Or, that even part of me feels very sad and melancholy for whatever she may be feeling? How do I handle this? I guess another reason why I feel so "left out" is that my oldest daughter was always very open with me about her relationships and continues to be. Whereas, my youngest is shutting me out. Even my oldest daughter is very curious about what has happened between my daughter and Jake. Any advice would be so helpful. Thanks.

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Chet - posted on 07/14/2014

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Give her some space. So far, it doesn't sound like there are any red flags. She'll talk when she's ready.

Sometimes it's very hard to talk to your parents when you're still trying to figure things out yourself.

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Gen - posted on 07/16/2014

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Thanks, Chet! I took your advice and waited for my daughter to share. And, she did! Turns out that she was the one that wanted to slow down and take it easy. They both thought their relationship was "too good, to be true…" and he respected her wishes to slow down. So, they don't have the label of BF/GF, but, they still like each other a lot – which explains why they still text and talk – but, not hangout as much as a "couple". Phew. Thanks again.

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