Oh well

Ghost - posted on 04/06/2016 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I've decided this site is not a good fit for me. Way too many thumps. Thanks to the very few measured and mostly not judgemental replies.

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Raye - posted on 04/07/2016

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Lynn, per your update: if you need advice about laws or custody cases specific to WA, then you probably need to locate a good family lawyer that is familiar with such things. This is an international site, and many of us don't know WA law. As far as parenting plans in general, it's hard to find a set of hard rules where a+b=c. Every situation is different, and just because one set of circumstances achieved 50/50 custody doesn't mean it will in every court or with every judge. Especially when there is distance between parents, the judge will try to rule in the child's best interests, not the parent's interests. The plan you have proposed (trade every 3-6 months) is highly unlikely to be approved by a judge. If you don't take it to court and only have a personal agreement on this type of custody, then you have no legal recourse if she breaks the agreement. Court orders take the emotion out of it and let both parents know what their legal responsibilities are.

You probably won't get many responses of women that have stayed with their husbands. It's estimated only 35% of couples stay together after an affair. Another 15% try to make it work but the marriage ends up failing at a later date. I told my husband that cheating means immediate divorce, and I mean it. My sister-in-law, however, is trying to rebuild with her cheating husband (he cheated on her for 3 years!). Cheating is a HUGE breach of trust, and takes time and effort for both parties to rebuild. However, whether you jump ship or not, you could drown either way. If you sit down and take an honest appraisal of the pros and cons and decide to stick it out, then I hope it works for you.

I believe a lot of the remarks that you consider rude were because we were taken aback by the rudeness of your tone toward the baby-mama. You were projecting a lot of negativity, which happens to bring out negativity in others.

Jodi - posted on 04/07/2016

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"Before you all pile on, she went off her BC on purpose and manipulated my husband into not using condoms after the first 2 weeks."

Before I respond to the custody issue, I am going to address this. How dare you and your husband blame her for "manipulating" your husband into getting her pregnant. Your husband is a grown ass man and should have kept his dick in his pants in the first place. If he was able to be manipulated, then HE needs to take responsibility for being stupid enough to be manipulated and not place the blame on her. Sorry, but it pisses me off when an adult male will blame a woman for manipulating him into getting her pregnant. I'm not saying she was right to do this, but the way you mentioned this little gem was to place the blame for this baby on her, when in fact, what your husband did was equally irresponsible. So leave that shit out of the argument, it merely weakens any positives you may have to say on your own behalf.

With regard to 50/50 custody of a newborn baby, I don't like your chances, especially as you are 8 hours apart and it will mean that the baby needs to be away from its mother (think primary nutrition source) for long periods of time. Do I think 50/50 custody is in the best interests of a child generally? Yes I do, especially as children get a little older. But that won't work when this child is older either, because with the 8 hour trip, you can't work that out with schools and such. A judge is not going to allow 3 months at a time away from a parent like that, not as an infant. It just is not in a young child's best interests. Your husband and the mother are going to have to come up with a plan that allows him some visits, but it is highly unlikely that 50/50 would get up.

Sarah - posted on 04/06/2016

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And unprotected sex at that, if he wasn't concerned about a baby he surely was aware of the potential for disease. It isn't her fault that she is pregnant it is their fault. Do you even want to parent this child? Uneducated and poor women have babies all the time and can still parent effectively. Since she won't likely simply disappear nor give up her baby, your husband needs to figure out how he is going to co-parent and financially support his child.

Ev - posted on 04/06/2016

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I am sure that it hurts that your husband had an affair and is now on his way to parenthood with another woman no matter her age, her education status, or anything else you find wrong with her; but she is still the mother of this child. It is going to be entirely up to him to figure out how to parent with this woman the child they have created together. And I do not know how you intend to trade off every 3-6 months with this child since a 50/50 custody arrangement in your state as far as you know is not going to be allowed in a case such as this. How can you propose you have the child for 3 or 6 months at a time and then she has the child for that time frame. It is her child not yours. She must come up with custody, visitation and child support with your husband. Also I find your opinion of her at the end of your post to be very negative. She might not meet your expectations of a perfect mother but you were not there when they had sex or decided not to use protection so you do not know if she manipulated him or not into doing things. He made that choice to have sex with her.

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Michelle - posted on 04/07/2016

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My ex husband cheated on me with his cousin while I was pregnant with our 1st child in our house. I didn't find out until almost 2 years later. While I was pregnant I had to take her to get an abortion and looking back I now wonder if the baby was my husband's!
A lot of us have been in similar situations so the "judgement" comes from our own experiences.
I personally wouldn't stay with someone who cheated on me (and I didn't), especially if they were stupid enough to conceive a child!

Like it has been suggested, get yourself a lawyer. Since this is an international site for Mother's, we don't know all the laws where you live.

Ev - posted on 04/07/2016

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There was some thoughts among my family and some close friends that my ex had cheated on me. Lucky for me he did not get into the point of a child in addition to that. I could not prove anything of an affair but that he kept calling a woman he had met via the internet and then met in public after talking over chat rooms. The children we have and I were there. Let us say it turned bad quickly afterward. He called this woman non-stop on the cell phone. I eventually got a hold of December and January cell bills. Between 80 to 100 calls from him alone each month. My point is this: He made the choice to be in continuous contact with this woman. And then he wanted out of the marriage. He left out the fact he was married in all this mess. The woman never got with him as far as I know so no child came of it. But in the end wanting out ruined our marriage. If a child had been part of the deal and we had stayed married, I would not have been talking of her like you are of this woman. And this woman had a family and husband to boot. I think you need to step back and look at the whole picture and see for sure if staying is the best thing for all. It might be. It takes work. Resentment of the mother will fall through to the child in time.

Jodi - posted on 04/07/2016

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" I don't really need all your judgy comments."

So don't make judgy comments about how this woman "manipulated" your husband. Then you wouldn't get judgy comments about how your husband couldn't keep his dick in his pants. It takes two to tango. It really is that simple. By making it her fault that your husband got her pregnant, and making that a part of your whole story, you are not actually demonstrating that your husband is taking responsibility at all,, merely that it is her fault that she is pregnant.

Your post was FULL of judgement about the other woman, so.....yeah.

Dove - posted on 04/07/2016

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Sex makes babies. Sex w/out a condom leads to the possibility of a baby (even if the woman IS on other birth control... the possibility is still there) and disease. If your husband was too stupid to realize the very real possibilites of his idiotic choices... Well, he ain't too bright, is he?

How dare either of you put HIS stupidity entirely on this woman?! Is she married? She didn't break any wedding vows. Now, I think women that knowingly sleep w/ married men are scum as well, but HE is the one w/ 'more' blame here... not her.

As for the digs on this woman's 'brains'... I'm a disabled high school drop out and I have been successfully parenting 3 kids on my own for 8 years (since the 3rd was born and my ex left us)... Granted, I'm not young, but it doesn't take age or education to be a loving, devoted parent...

As far as the custody stuff.... that will be up to the mother and the father of this child... and the courts. It really sucks that you are in the middle of this mess because of your husband's infidelity, but that's the reality that is now your life. I HIGHLY recommend you seek some counseling... individual and couple's therapy if the two of you are going to make it through this mess and stay married.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/07/2016

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“Before you all pile on, she went off her BC on purpose and manipulated my husband into not using condoms after the first 2 weeks”. Yep, and it probably didn’t take a whole lot of MANIPULATING for your husband to jump in the sack with her, ESPECIALLY since it was quite obviously going on for awhile.

DO NOT put the blame solely on this woman. Your beloved hubs shares, EQUALLY any responsibility. How does a “is young, uneducated, from a verbally abusive family” MANIPULATE a grown adult male in a COMMITTED MARRIAGE??? The answer? He WANTED to cheat. No manipulation involved.

YOU don’t get to decide the parenting plan, either, unless HE can convince her to just give the baby up.

Sorry that your husband is a loser in this regard. Vows are vows. He broke them. In my book, that’s trust GONE, only to be regained after a much needed counseling experience, and PROVEN by his actions that he’s changed.

Raye - posted on 04/07/2016

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Lynn, you have a lot more to work out with your husband, and you should NOT keep focusing only on the negative aspects of the child's mother. You will keep resenting her and the child, and that's not healthy for anyone. It's perfectly natural that you feel angry, but holding on to that won't help matters any. This child will need Love. It's obviously being born into less than ideal circumstances, and will need plenty of love and nurturing from ALL parental figures. If you still love your husband and stay with him, then you will have to love this innocent life that was created from him. If you can't do that, get out!

I'm a step-mom, and I know exactly how challenging it can be (even though my circumstances are better than some others). It's damn hard! But you need to now be the bigger person and decide what lessons you want to teach your own kids about relationships and how people should treat each other, and how to treat an innocent child caught in the middle of a bad situation. My husband means everything to me. His kids are part of him, so I love them and try to care for them as best as I can. Their mother is a part of them... so if those kids are my family, then their mother is also by extension. I don't have to like my husbands ex or approve of all her choices. But I am able to be civil toward her. If you're truly going to move past the affair, then you need to get your big-girl panties on and be an adult about this woman and a good step-parent to the child.

As for what your husband should do... go to court to work out custody/visitation and child support. Then abide by the court orders and co-parent as best as he can with the child's mother. IF she tries to interfere with his relationship with you then HE needs to shut that shit down and keep their relationship ONLY about the child... and YOU need to stay out of it. He needs to take responsibility.

Michelle - posted on 04/07/2016

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I agree with Jodi on your husband's part in this baby. He's the one that had the affair, he's the one that didn't use protection (not just for pregnancy) so he's the one that needs to step up and accept his part in creating this baby.
Your husband will need to go to court and have custody, visitation and child support sorted out. I also agree with Jodi that a judge won't rule 50/50 care of a newborn, even if you did live closer. It still wouldn't work as the child gets older because of the distance.
I do 50/50 shared care (and have done for 11 years) and for it to work you need to live close so the children can go to the same school etc. Doing 3-6 months at a time is the most ridiculous time I have heard. Think about it as if it was your own child, would you want to be away from them for 3-6 months? I hope the answer would be NO!!!!

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