On bedrest with no help.

Danielle - posted on 08/17/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )




Hey Ladies,

I guess this is more of a vent than anything else..

I am 37 weeks pregnant with my second child.

We have a 4 year old boy, who is Autistic.

At my monthly check-up last week, my doctor put me on bed rest as a result of high proteins found in my urine, and having other symptoms of hypertension (ex. migraines, sight disturbances, extreme exhaustion, lightheadedness). I am suppose to be taking it easy and monitoring my blood pressure to avoid my symptoms turning into clampsia.

My husband works full time, and because I will need a c-section at 39 weeks due to the position of the baby, and the current complications he is unable to take time off now to help because he needs to save up his vacation time for after the surgery.

I have told my parents (who are divorced), and my sister the circumstances. I did not expect any help from them, but was thankful when they were all supportive of the idea that I need to get as much rest as possible. My mom surprised me when she took off two weeks from work to "help" while I rested, and my sister said that she would watch our son when my mother couldn't help. This was suppose to allow me to rest.

My mother has been off for a week now, and hasn't offered to help since she's been on her vacation. She called in today to "check" on how I was doing.

I was literally in tear, as I was overwhelmed and stressed with my day. I am up every two hours to pee at night, and that is not including waking up to shift my body into a more comfortable position. I am exhausted.

Our 4 year old is Non-verbal, and Autistic, and as such I do not like to leave him unattended for very long. If he wanders into another room I will try calling him back.. but if he doesn't respond I am on my feet checking on him. Today was a bad day for my son, and was very needy and whinny.

Anyways, my mother calls, and while it is evident I need the assistance after hearing my four year old screaming and tantruming in the background, she says "You need to relax, its only going to get worse when the baby comes".

She then compares herself to my father (who also agreed to help, but instead took his vacation with his new wife out of state). But I personally don't see the difference. Well, there is a bit of a difference. Although my father doesn't take him very often, if he hears I am stressed he will at least grudgingly offer.

She is acting like she is "oh so helpful" when all she does is call, hears that I need help, but instead of actually offering to help she does her part by not tying me up to the phone so I can go back to work.

I don't know why I thought she would actually help. She also used my miscarriage in May as an excuse to use up personal days to "Help" as well and I had not heard from her for that week as well.

I am so upset and stressed over everything.

I don't want to nag her to help. I wouldn't want her here helping if she didn't genuinely want to be here for me. It makes me sad that this is the family I have. It seems like everyone in my family will not do anything for each other unless it benefits themselves as well.

My father calls every morning to check how I am doing. He will remind me to do nothing, but will volunteer my tired, overworked husband do everything. If I do not get around to the cleaning, my husband will wash the dishes, vacuum, make supper, and put our son to sleep after he is done a 9 hour shift at work.

He is getting run down, so I am trying to do what I can to keep pace with the workload I did before I became so heavily pregnant..

My father doesn't see this, and gets angry when I tell him I am folding laundry or making supper.

This is also very ironic because when I was younger my father was the quintessential "Male of the house". When he was home from work his feet were up, T.V on, and my mother did everything with cleaning and childrearing.

I don't know how to make them see. Or if I should even try.. maybe I should just ignore them and just try to keep doing what I can until the birth.

How would you handle a family like this? I don't think I could approach them without them being all stubborn and pigheaded about it. I have tried to reason with my father and explain, but he just gets angry and makes it seem like my husband doesn't have enough on his plate...

What should I do!?


View replies by

Danielle - posted on 08/17/2012




I'm not sure if that is the issue though..
A couple weeks ago I asked her if she could help me run some errands with me and my son, and for helping I was going to take her for Lunch. She agreed, and we ran her errand first, we went for a nice restaurant lunch, and afterward she asked if I could drop her off because she had laundry to do.. So I still ended up running my errands alone. It was dissapointing, and put me in an awkward position. I didn't want her to have to follow through on an obligation she never intended to.. I want her to want to help.. Not because she's guilty.

I don't feel comfortable flat out asking for help.. I am suppose to be on bed rest and she said she'd help, but hasn't offered a day or anything when she's available. I would feel rude to demand, or question her to follow through if she infact never intended too..

For me it just seems weird.. If I offered to help, I would follow through and ask if I was needed, to make sure the offer is still available...

Even for my doctors appointment I called and asked if she could watch my son for an hour so I could attend, and she said she was busy. The thing she was doing was something that could have been postponed for an hour, but instead of making that suggestion she told me to take my son with me... Of course, I didn't want to push the issue because it isn't her responsibility, and I don't want to feel like helping me is a chore.
In the end my sister said she could watch him..

Jodi - posted on 08/17/2012




Danielle, I read your entire post, and it was always about how they weren't helping you, but have you actually straight out ASKED for some help? It is highly possible that they are indicating that they are THERE for you if you need them, but they might be waiting for you to specifically ask. Remember, they are not mind readers. Maybe they feel like they would be intruding if they are not asked. It sounds like you are waiting for them to step up, but they are waiting for you to ask for help.

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