One word trigger
MOST HELPFUL POSTS
â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 06/14/2014
Redd, your child is repeating a rote response that he knows will keep him out of trouble. Congratulations, you have indoctrinated your child.
Allison, I would suggest that you not say 'that' word, if it turns your child into a monster! Try talking with her. Try to find out what's bothering her, instead of fighting between yourselves.
Angela - posted on 06/20/2014
Redd, I agree that all children test boundaries. I also agree that sometimes they're unaware of how serious their actions/behaviour can be and parental admonishment can help them identify and hopefully avoid these behaviours.
But I don't believe that for one minute that just because a child made the statement that YOU wanted to hear about understanding why his/her behaviour was wrong & why they shouldn't do it again is what they're truly thinking in their own minds. It was never the case with me (and by the way, I have no criminal record, I work in a job where people are only recruited subject to stringent Police checks and my 4 adult children are similarly in respectable professions, law-abiding etc ...).
what a child is more likely to be thinking is:
a) Yeah, yeah, I've pissed my parents off, they're not happy.
b) I'll probably not do that again anyway, it's not worth the hassle I get from them and I'd like a peaceful, quiet life. I don't agree that what I did was so bad as they're saying but for the sake of a peaceful life (and NO other reason) I'll not do it again!
c) Though I *might* perhaps do it again, but take better care not to get found out, and a lot better care on whom I trust with my secrets
d) I'll not bother doing it again. They're trying to make me feel bad, guilty but actually I feel more as though I'm a bit of an idiot. I don't like them making me feel stupid. Might give that kind of behaviour a miss in future.
e) I think I'll do something else instead .... I won't ask their advice, I'll just do it.
f) Meanwhile I can earn some Brownie points by letting them see me do something that's meaningful and important to them. Not because I think this is a great thing to do, but because it'll get me into their good books again ....
And thus you have a self-willed, manipulative kid who's smart enough to respond in the way you want!
Redd - posted on 06/15/2014
His answer is not meant to pacify me- its him or any of our children taking responsibility for their actions. He knows he crossed the line and must re-direct himself into something more positive while avoiding the action he committed that had in conclusion a consequence. This also helps in the future towards avoiding something he already knows will get him into trouble.Our children don't get in trouble often and are usually responsible, caring and respectable children. Its just every now and then, one of them allows his mouth to run away with him and a prompt consequence is dealt. He in turn learns to avoid the negative and any action that he knows is not the right one. All children test boundaries and as long as there is a swift consequence, most children will avoid doing it again at all costs, Making a child own up to or accept responsibility for his actions, only helps him in the long run see the error he made and to correct himself.
Angela - posted on 06/15/2014
Shawnn, you said it so much better than I did!
Redd, I was only responding to your post with my opinion. No-one's forced to agree with me, no-one's forced to agree with you either. Sorry if my post seemed impolite! You didn't answer my question though about how sincere your child was when trotting out the response which he/she knows will pacify you.
Parents who say they're simply seeking obedience from their offspring in situations like this are often actually seeking docility! Many parents (and schoolteachers) who praise children for "being good" are, in real terms, expressing thankfulness for kids who are docile. This isn't character-building. Of course it's a useful trick to placate parents and authority figures .... one that may even be utilized in adult life to wriggle out of trouble and difficulty etc ... This behaviour sets an individual apart as someone who might be taken advantage of (anything goes because they don't want to rock the boat) but no-one wants to befriend them on EQUAL TERMS!
Alison - I have no idea what the word is that you say that gets your child angry and rude - I'd suggest you maybe avoid using it! Words can be very emotive, I feel that way about certain words myself - and even more so when I was a child! Every home computer has a "thesaurus" on its word-processing program. Perhaps you can find a synonym for the word your child hates and use that word instead?
Redd - posted on 06/13/2014
well it works for us...What works for the goose doesn't always work for the gander..tailor what works for your family...and to you Angela, instead of criticizing my post why not try to help Allison resolve her issue with her child. Have a good day~
Angela - posted on 06/13/2014
@ Redd Weiss .......
Being expected to say "I'm sorry for my attitude and yes, this has helped me re-evaluate myself-I will try harder next time to remember my place" would be far worse than having to do the push-ups in my opinion.
How sincere do you believe the child is when they're giving this response? Does no-one care about children's dignity any more?
Redd - posted on 06/13/2014
I have a 12 yr old son and he sometimes he gets too big for his britches. I have to remind him who the parent is (me)and who the child is (him)..I also incorporate pushups to help change his attitude. We are a military family and may be a little harder on our children versus other families. I ask him after he's finished, if this has helped his attitude change and he always responds with, I'm sorry for my attitude and yes, this has helped me re-evaluate myself-I will try harder next time to remember my place. In the Marine Corps, they have a saying -what doesn't kill you-will make you stronger,,lol We always tell our children -if anything through our discipline and your attitude -you will definitely be Stronger...lol...we have four children...Dakota (boy) 12, Megan 10, Helaina 8, and Tyberious "Ty" 5 weeks...Good Luck to you~
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