Our Shattered Hearts -- SIDS

Monica - posted on 01/13/2016 ( no moms have responded yet )

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On July 18, 2015 at 10:55am my little girl McKenzie was born. She was a healthy beautiful baby girl, my first.

I loved every second every minute ever coo, ever breath I was so scared to be a new mom but I was fantastic at it. I never took for granted anything with my daughter, I spent every second with her, I ran to her every call.

On the Evening of November 3rd 2015 I came home and fount a ambulance outside my house and my husband in the front yard. I thought that someone had gotten ran over or an accident happened in front of the house..

He then looked at me and mouthed Mckenzie.. my heart dropped. I was then explained to what was going on and my entire world shattered. My daughter had passed away in her sleep from SIDS.

I miss her so much, I cant stop looking at her pictures, watching the video of me singing to her, I feel like this is all a bad dream and I'm praying that I wake up ..

I'm back to work and passing days, some are good some are bad, our relationship isnt falling apart we keep open communication about her and just life..

For a while I couldn't see a point in anything, my whole thought process was what the fuck is the point? Who the fuck cares about anything, why should I, the only thing I cared about entirely outside myself was my daughter.

Smiling feels foreign like it doesn't belong on my face, happiness just doesn't seem fair at all, and I keep asking god why me? why me? why us? we prayed for her and we got her and he took her.

We cried and prayed so many nights to conceive and when we found out we prayed and prayed for us to have a healthy baby thats all we wanted, and we have her and now were praying and praying for her to come back by some fucking miracle .. it will never happen I know but I cant stop asking god for help..I'm breaking, my enitire world is shattered still.. I cant but I have to hold it together, something inside me wont let me shatter.. some glue is holding me together but my world is cracked and chipped .. Why us god?

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