Out of control child, not sure what to do!

SiMpLiCiTy - posted on 12/19/2013 ( 10 moms have responded )

41

0

2

My sister moved in with me in August, she's going through a divorce, her kids are 6 & 7 boy being the oldest, girl youngest. Ever since they moved in, my 3 year old daughter has gotten the worst attitude ever. They are so mean to their mom, they treat her like dirt and walk all over her. They tell her what to do, climb on counters and get knives and just anything they wanna do, her son is always getting in her daughters face screaming "I'm gonna punch you in the face" not to mention they are destroying my home, but back on topic. My 3 year old has now started acting just like them, she yells at them and her little sister and us. Talks back constantly and won't listen to anything we tell her to do and when she wants something, she doesn't ask for it she immediately throws a tantrum and we have to ask her what she wants, normally bc of the tantrum, she doesn't get what she wanted. She's never been like this, she's always been such a good little girl. They even showed her how to open the door and go outside and I heard the door open one night and she was outside on the porch all by herself when she was supposed to be in bed, we had to buy chain locks so she couldn't reach them and open the door. I am so frustrated with this attitude. I have to walk away from her several times bc it's so bad I feel like slapping her. I would never hit my baby, so don't take it that way, that's why I walk away and let her dad deal with her or just walk away and calm down if he isn't home. I have on the other hand found myself yelling at her and had to walk away and come back and apologize. I can't stand this attitude, it's enough to drive you insane. The way those kids talk to my sister, I could pop them in the mouth and my 3 year old is starting to act just the same and in turn that's causing my 1 year old to start acting the same, although she's very little and doesn't know any better I'm afraid the longer she's around it, that's all she's gonna pick up on. My 3 year old went from having great manners, please, thank you, excuse me, your welcome, bless you, no thank you...etc. to having none at all. She's even started spitting in ppls face including mine and that's is so disrespectful I'm just not gonna put up with it. I've tried spanking, no tv or toys, corner, couch, bed, etc. nothing works and I absolutely hate yelling at her, but lately that seems to be the only way she will listen. There has to be another way, I will not raise my kids this way, I should not have to yell at her to get her to listen to me. I'm a stay at home mom right now, just finished school and trying to get the job I'm going for, normally through the day, through the week it's just me and my kids here, but weekends its all of us and we leave to separate the kids and get them out of the house. My sister is also very rude to me. All we asked of her when she moved in was to help keep the house clean, she won't even do that, she comes home from work and sits on her phone from then until she goes to bed. When I say something to her about the stuff she does she gets irate, she starts screaming at me. Before she moved in I was going to her house, getting her kids off the bus, doing their homework with them plus watching mine, waiting for her to get off work then she would bring us home. One day I told her that this was getting hard bc I had missed 3 weeks of class to help her and I had a life too and she started screaming at me in front of all the kids, my 3 year old told her to shut up and leave me alone if that tells you anything. Well she started bitching about my parenting skills and how I wouldn't let her 6 year old play with my 10 month old. (Bc she's to rough and always bangs her head off the floor) then she screamed, "you hate my daughter I know you do," right in front of her and ever since then my niece thinks I hate her. I love my niece and nephew with all my heart, I took care of them from the time they were born til 2&3 years old at 16-18 years old until I met my husband and moved out and still doing a lot for them now. Please help, don't know how to deal with all of this!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Lacye - posted on 12/21/2013

889

0

221

I understand you love your sister and her kids but this is affecting you and your family in a severely negative way. It's time to let her know she needs to pack her crap and leave. There is no way those kids should be teaching your 3 year old that stuff.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/19/2013

13,264

21

2015

Stick together, dear. It's tough when family takes advantage!

At the very least, try to have a good holiday!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/19/2013

13,264

21

2015

Serve her with an eviction notice then. She's taking horrible advantage.

And, unfortunately, while this will break your heart, you'll have to cut off contact with the kids too.

Tell her that you expect her out by the new year. Good luck, my dear. You've put up with WAY more than I would have!

[deleted account]

Oh man! I'm so sorry! That must be so hard! Obviously your sister is using you as a way to cope with her own life, and not recognizing your efforts...It seems that you and your husband, together (not you alone, and no children), should have a sit down with your sister to raise concerns about attitude. You have expectations for your children, and she must abide because this is your home. You can approach her with kindness and understanding. She obviously is struggling inside. "I know it's been so hard. We want this to get better. It won't if we keep fighting. We must work together for the children's sake. We love them so much."
Then you can speak with each child separately, in a calm, understanding manner, and simply lay out the rules. To the 6 year-old: "You've been growing so much. It's been so nice to have you around in my home. But you know, we do have rules here. For example, we must all watch out for the baby. He/she (? sorry you didn't mention) is not a big girl like you, so we have to be so careful when playing with her. I'm sorry I got mad at you the other day. Your mommy is silly to say I hate you. You're my favorite niece in the world." (Big Hug)
To your own daughter:"Sweetie I understand you love your cousins, and you want yo play and be like them. But in our home, we don't do those things. In our home, we treat each other with respect and kindness."
Don't be afraid to use big, important words in front of the kids. That will show them that you are the authority figure and the role-model to follow.
Trying to intervene on a difficult situation with anger and impatience only makes things worse. Establish true relationships, create a circle of trust. Hopefully your sister will see that you are coming from a place of understanding, and will soon drop the defense mechanism. Good luck!!!!!!!

10 Comments

View replies by

SiMpLiCiTy - posted on 12/19/2013

41

0

2

Hubby says if she hasn't paid her part of the rent by the end of the month he will tell her to leave himself. I don't have the heart to do it, even though I know how badly I'm being treated and how much she is taking advantage of me I just can't bring myself to put someone out, her or anyone else. My brother was a different story, he put my kids and hers in danger and that's never going to happen again! I have no problem putting someone out when it comes to putting my kids in danger, in any way.

SiMpLiCiTy - posted on 12/19/2013

41

0

2

The talks with her never work, I've tried that. I've also tried with the kids and it works for a few hours then they are right back to being butt heads. She hates the way I raise my kids, she says I put them through boot camp, but that's not the case, I teach them how to show respect and be good kids, while she lets hers run wild and do whatever they want. She got tired of her kids treating her like dirt a few weeks ago and left them with me and told me to work my magic. They sat on the couch all day, they went to bed without tv and boy was that a fight. As soon as she walked through the door at 12:30am they ran to her, I looked at her and I said this is not gonna work, it's only going to teach them that they aren't gonna walk all over me, if you don't put your foot down and do it too then they will continue to walk all over you.

SiMpLiCiTy - posted on 12/19/2013

41

0

2

I've sat down with her many times, I've talked calmly and kindly and the min she hears something she doesn't want to hear, it turns into a screaming match that leaves me ignoring her bc I'm just not gonna deal with it, if you can't talk to me like a person and with some respect then don't talk to me at all, ya know. The rules are the same in my home for everybody as well. Also just recently kicked my little brother out and told him not to come back bc he knows full well I don't allow drugs in my house but he brought them anyways, found a needle in my sister bed, right where her daughter sleeps and my sister hadnt been here and the only other person who had was my brother. Makes me sick that he would do that, the one main rule when you walk through my door is no drugs!!! As for my sister, the talks with her don't seem to work. She found an apartment and the lady who had it was moving out and was even gonna let her keep the deposit she got back from not ruining the place but she turned it down. She also has a new boyfriend, at first they were all staying with us, the husband also wanted to but that wasn't happening.the new boyfriend found an apartment and she's been staying with him on and off, but he got a new job Monday so he's never home so she is staying here again. My house stays a mess, they buy fast food and come in and eat and throw their trash in the floor, she lays her on the back of the couch. She lets her son play with tools and he busted our neighbors little girls bike all to pieces and took off the tires and broke the chain with those tools, my hubby took the tools and two days later she gave them back to him. We own our home, but not the land so we have to pay lot rent and our landlord raised it $110 more and hubby told her sice he raised it bc she was staying here, it was her job to pay it, rent was due the 15th and she's only paid us $50 we paid our half and okayed it with the landlord to pay the other half next month bc of Christmas and we were expecting her to pay it but she bailed out on that at the last minute. Her and the hubby don't like each other bc the way she treats me, she takes advantage of everything. I cook, clean, watch her kids and mine, and it's still not enough, I have to pick out their school cloths, make sure they've had a bath even have to pick them up from school from time to time. I'm so sick of taking care of her family. I know she's having a hard time, I've been there. I use to live with her, I've slept in an abondan hotel hallway, pregnant, no food, no place to go bc she kicked me out on my ass for standing up for her when her husband was slinging her around. Finally got some change and got a rid back to Tennessee and stayed with hubby's parents til we could get on our feet. Yes my own sister kicked us out on our ass! We had nothing but our cloths in Kentucky with no family and the only ppl we knew were my sister and her husband and I just found out I was pregnant. Now we have two little girls, own our home, don't need shit from anyone and they all wanna take advantage of us bc we are now making it and they can't even get by. I know how hard it is, but she's making it way harder than it should be.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/19/2013

13,264

21

2015

Sit your sister down and explain the rules of your household. And tell her that if she's not going to enforce consequences on her kids, you will. it's your home, after all.

In my home, no matter who's kids are there, it's MY rules. Every parent who has ever sent kids over knows that I will treat their kids just as I do my own. If i catch them up to something they're not supposed to be, punishment ensues, either in the form of a time out, or by sending the child home with an explanation of why. For relatives bringing children over, I let them know well beforehand that I will continue to expect enforcement of my house rules, and that if the parents will not follow through, I will. I've never had any problems with my brother/ SIL, or my husband's siblings in this regard, and all of the kids knew that Auntie had a different take on appropriate behaviour. (for example, my SIL, hubby's sis, allowed her kids to run amok all over town from the age of 6 or 7 on...and they were demanding little shits at home...but at my home, they knew I expected more of them, respect, following rules, etc, and they were always model children with me and hubby)

It sounds like, perhaps your sister has been overwhelmed for quite awhile and doesn't know how to cope. Could you suggest some counseling for her? Put it in a way that expresses your concern over her mental health and her stressful situation.

But, regardless, if she won't respect your home, or your rules, you'll have to put your foot down with her. So, explain that you can no longer let the home be run like an insane asylum. You will need her help to get her kids attention and enforce house rules and consequences. And let her know that if she feels that's being too demanding, you'll be more than happy to help her find housing so that she can get back on her own.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms