Out of control "grown" children - and Mom to blame

MJ - posted on 07/31/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )




I am at my wits end. I am a 49 year old single mom of two (22) and (19). I have had sole custody of both from the ages of 3 and 6. I had to fight tooth and nail, month after month, year after year, to TRY TO GET CHILD SUPPORT to which I was never successful; their father now pays me back an arrearage of over $30,000 at $80 per two weeks; can you imagine American Express allowing that?!? Their father is a alcoholic drug addict who has not been supportive in any way, shape or form. If anything, he still causes many issues.

I don't want to go on and on and on (I could), but I do need to vent!! I need someone who possibly understands to help me think straight. My children did great while young (up to 16ish). Great grades, teachers, principals, etc, love them both. My son especially (the oldest) was as popular as they come. When he was 17 he got caught at school with pot. TROUBLE. A short while later the police were at my door (he was spending the night with a friend) looking for him. I called and told him to get his butt home now (not having a clue what was going on - police just wouldn't tell me). He arrived and was arrested for stealing and pawning two guitars. He stole them from a former next-door-neighbor (whose kids have stolen from me but it doesn't make it ok for my son to return the favor). IT'S BEEN A DOWNHILL SLIDE EVER SINCE WITH HIM. The week he went to jail, my 16 year old daughter found out she was pregnant!! OMG help me through this!!

When my son was arrested, I sold his truck. For that reason and because he had gone 6 months of promising to pay me ($50 per month for insurance and car note - a deal) but he never did. The second I did that, he had just turned 18, he ran to his dad's house. Dad allows girls, beer pong parties, has a "cool" house, gives him money freely, etc. My son has done nothing but fall into the pits of hell ever since his event; more things have happened and he is dependent on Oxycontin (spoon fed to him by his father). He's been arrested again (probation violation); he's been through rehab once; I can't force him for help; he won't go on his own. He's lost.

After the trauma settled on the news of my daughter, we faced reality and decided that I'd support her (and baby) until she was prepared to do so herself. I LOVE THAT GRANDBABY LIKE YOU CAN'T IMAGINE. They lived with me for a little over three years (her boyfriend there most of the time too, without paying a dime). One day we got into it and I told her "my rules or bye". She left. They moved into his mom's house and that lasted three months. Then they decided (she never once spoke to me about it) to get a apartment on their own. She's a part-time waitress. He works landscaping at about $10 per hour.

Fast forward almost a year. I have been in extreme depression trying to cope with empty nest syndrome and the fact that I feel like a failure with BOTH my kids. I waited almost a year to make sure my daughter was sure about her decision. She told me recently, "mom, there is no going back". I finally decided it's time to focus on ME and I just signed a lease for a 1 bedroom apartment for ME only (saving me $300 per month which I need).

JUST LAST WEEK BOTH OF THEM POP BACK IN ON ME. In midst of moving, my daughter fights with her boyfriend and runs to me. Fine, but I'm moving....literally. She hangs, she sits, she texts, she yells at son (more than I've ever seen - I can tell she's stressed to the max). She yells at me calling me all sorts of things. Saturday, finally, she started again and I told her "my rules or leave" and she hit the ceiling screaming I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU; you are the worst thing ever for my son; I am here BECAUSE YOU ARE MY ONLY OPTION. She left with baby and I have no clue where she is. She was supposed to help me move.

My son is lazy, unreliable, and yet keeps "hanging at my house". I tell him squarely "son, this isn't going to work". I've begged you, waited for you for four years, and now you want to come in here, without contributing at all. NOOO. But he stays.

My sole mission in life was to be a Mom. When I couldn't be that 100% full time, my goal became: be the best Mom you can be with what you've got. I feel like a major failure. I feel alone. I feel lost. Without the kids, what is there? My mom always told me "don't let your kids be your everything"; I should have listened.


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Kenya - posted on 07/31/2013




Kudos to you for not enabling self-destructive behavior. When our kids grow up we no longer have control, and have to recognize that they have the right to make choices and live with the consequences of those questions. You've no duty to raise your children forever. At some point, folk are supposed to grow up and then have an adult relationship with their parents that is mutually respectful. No one has to put up with other people living in their home who won't abide by their rules, even if they are your children. My parents took in my sister and her baby after she got knocked up by a deadbeat and lost her apartment. But there were no rules set down, and now, ten years later, my sister, the baby she had, plus two more kids with the same deadbeat, AND the deadbeat himself all live with my parents, who pay ALL of the bills with their social security and disability checks. Don't let this happen to you! Put your foot down and keep it there!

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