Over Bearing Mother in Laws.

User - posted on 01/24/2009 ( 17 moms have responded )

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When I first started dating my fiance, I LOVED his Mother and I LOVED his whole family. We got along great. We had always done stuff together, she'd invite us to diner. We would go out to movies, that sort of thing. They were very extattic to find out that my fiance' and I were pregnant. This was her first grandchild. She even through a BIG baby shower for me. (which I will forever be greatful) But than, the baby came.

I should have seen the signs, but I didn't. I hadn't the foggest what was going to come. Now, to be far to the Mother In Law. We moved, we moved four hours away and abruptly. Charlie was sick in the hosptail for a month and a half. (Bad labor) We had to transfer him directly to sickkids hosptail.

Under the circumstances we had to move. We moved quickly and into my parent's basement. I do not think she has fully forgiven me for moving. The first time she came down, I was excited. I had not seen her for several months now and was looking forward to the visit. I did not expect her to be overbearing and 'taking over'. It was disappointing. I had to pretty much PULL my son away from her grasp. I understand why she was the way she was and I smpathized. But, when she repeatly , gives him baths without asking me. Makes, snide comments. Sometime's she doesn't even let me comfort my own child. Saying, Charlie is HER baby. To that I got really angry and told her off in the most polite way possible. (I won't get into her explanation). That's not even the half of it. I am sure we have all our Mother IN law stories...



I questioned, would this maddness end? or is this going to continue? I want my Son to have a good relationship with his other side of the family. I try my best. That is all anyone can hope for. I still like them, has people. But, find my 'Love' for them his dwindling.

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Angela - posted on 01/25/2009

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I hate to say this, and I really hope it won't apply to your situation, but after 15 years of marriage, I can tell you it will not end. It will only get worse. You will cope with it, you will avoid it, you will vent about it to your husband causing stress between you two, you will think you're the crazy one, but it will not change. And unfortunately.... this is your husband's battle. For some reason the MIL thinks she is entitled to do what she wants because this is her son, and she still sees him as a child who won't stand up to her. I don't think she has ill intentions, but she does not yet respect him as an adult.



After YEARS of hoping my situation would resolve itself without hurting my husband's relationship with his mother, we finally realized that it IS his relationship with his mother that was causing the problem. He had to finally be blunt with her and it wasn't pretty. We are going on over a year now that the "confrontation" happened and through that time she has run the gamut of reactions from hurt, to angry, to manipulative, to passive-aggressive, to pretending nobody ever said a thing to her. We finally had to just exclude her from our lives. But we see that has HER choice because we really gave her every opportunity to fix the problem and were willing to make compromises with her. Our requests weren't unreasonable, but she held her ground like a stubborn 12 year old. It was destroying our marriage and my husband finally had to get over "hurting his mommy" if he wanted to be a grown man with a wife.



I don't mean to be so doom and gloom. But I started the same as you. Loved my MIL and husband's family. They were SO perfect! That should have been a sign :) But just asking them to respect us showed their true colors and they weren't pretty. Sometimes family is not the most important thing. The last year has caused so much stress on my marriage...but not nearly as much as the years of pretending there wasn't anything wrong :) I really hope things change for you. Good luck :)

Nicole - posted on 01/25/2009

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Quoting Janet:



OK, Here's an opinion from the other side. I am a grandmother of 3 little girls and circumstances have put my daughter in law out of the pic. I live 5minutes away from them and we help our son as much as possible, but in the end he makes the decisions about his children. If I overstep, he just reminds me "My home, My rules" and I know to back off. We Mothers are so drawn to our grandchildren and want what's best for them, but in the end you AND your husband must establish boundaries for his mom and if she cannot abide them she will not be welcome in your home. It's your child, but if your can get through to your Mother in law you can have a valuable ally in raising a healthy, happy child. GOOD LUCK!





Amen to that! ;)

Janet - posted on 01/25/2009

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OK, Here's an opinion from the other side. I am a grandmother of 3 little girls and circumstances have put my daughter in law out of the pic. I live 5minutes away from them and we help our son as much as possible, but in the end he makes the decisions about his children. If I overstep, he just reminds me "My home, My rules" and I know to back off. We Mothers are so drawn to our grandchildren and want what's best for them, but in the end you AND your husband must establish boundaries for his mom and if she cannot abide them she will not be welcome in your home. It's your child, but if your can get through to your Mother in law you can have a valuable ally in raising a healthy, happy child. GOOD LUCK!

Maria - posted on 01/24/2009

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I have spoken with my husband to talk to her. I said that he should because he doesn't want me to...i just won't be as nice. And to this day i haven't said anything to her out of respect for him..its his mom..he should talk to her. however, he won't because i think he is more scared of her being upset with him than he is of me being upset at all..if that makes any sense. He would rather fight with me, than say anything to upset her. He is afraid that if he says anything then she won't ever see us again...now that should say something about her. I say if that happens then its her loss...not ours..she will be the sad one in the end..not me.

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Renee - posted on 12/21/2015

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I am in the same boat right now. My husband and I have been married over 15 years and I have finally had enough of my MIL's snide remarks about housekeeping, how we raise our kids, and anything else she wants to comment on or talk about behind my back to other family members!!! My husband suggested years ago that I just ignore her, because that is how she is. I have ignored her as long as I can but she had finally crossed the line. Now, I have been asked to wait until after Christmas to confront her, so hard, and she is playing the victim to my husband. He says he supports me 100% but I am afraid once I actually tell her to back off that things will change between us. We have such a strong family and I really thought I could ignore her rude and snide remarks, but I am done!!! I already feel better just typing this, but how do I make sure my family life doesn't suffer?!?!?!

[deleted account]

I'm very thankful that my mother-in-law is not like this at all.  She's always asking if it's okay to pick him up or to help in some way and I'm very grateful to have them so close.  My issues are with my own mother.  She likes to give her own opinions and for awhile she wouldn't stop giving her opinions until I gave in and did whatever she said.  I had a talk with her and it's been okay since then.  We came up with a "code phrase" so she knows I heard her and she can stop repeating herself.



 



I have one piece of advice for people that are dealing with difficult mother-in-law situations.  Maybe try to limit their visits to whenever you can be out of the house.  Leave your husband there with the baby when they come.  That way they can do whatever thing they think is best and as they say, "what you don't know can't hurt you."  Don't ask what happened when you get home.   Hope things get better for everyone!

Lorilynne - posted on 01/25/2009

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Reading all your responses.....just made me realize that as bad as my MIL is, she could be worse.  She hardly ever comes over but whenever I see her, she has something to say.  Whenever she sees my kids with shoes on, she will always feel for their toes and then tell me the shoes are too small.  Every single time.  Its gotten to where I just tell her, "their shoes are not too small" before she gets anywhere near their feet.  Its bad, but I kind of like the fact that my kids are afraid of her.  She's not overly interested in being a grandma (I think thats why we hardly see her and why she has never offered to babysit) but she is interested in giving me her opinions on how I'm raising my kids.  My Sister in law is worse though.  She calls the kids her babies and she's constantly telling me what to do and she seriously gets offended if I don't take her advice.  She was super nice when she visited but we found out later that she talked all kinds of crap about us.  It made me feel so horrible because I do really like her.  I was so mad because her and her family stayed in our house for three days starting the day I brought my son home from the hospital.  There were five of them and they were sleeping in our living room (until noon, mind you).  They would stay up late at night and they ate all our food and they kept telling me to do something to keep him from crying all the time.  He was a newborn!!!  Ugh.  Luckily, we only see them once a year. 



My husband doesn't understand why I get so upset though.  He says that I should just ignore it because his family will keep doing it no matter what he says.  He does stand up for me about certain things.  Breastfeeding was a big one that we had to talk about all the time.  HIs mom kept telling me to give my daughter water and was constantly asking if I was STILL breastfeeding.  They are going to love the fact that I'm going to nurse my son for two years.  I'm learning how to just ignore it but sometimes I wish they would just shut their faces.

User - posted on 01/25/2009

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It's weird isn't it ? Boys and their Mum's ???? Even when they are ALL grown up. They still are 'afraid' of their Mum being upset with them. It's a little sad.. but than why shouldn't they? like every has said - It is HIS Mum we are talking about after all.... I don't want him to interfere with her or anyhting thats my battle... I just want him to understand and let me talk to him about how I am feeling. But, He just says... Thanks Beth... Thanks a lot ... and other things........ I'm just sorry how things are turning out.

Jena - posted on 01/25/2009

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Your husband is going to have to be the one to talk your mother in-law.  He needs to set boundaries for her.  He needs to let her know that this is his family and she has to respect his wife.  Good luck.  This is a tough situation.  I've been there...

Ashley - posted on 01/24/2009

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Well, honestly my mother in law tried to do things her way and if I tell her otherwise, she still does it when I'm ot with her.  My mother asks me, she gives advice, but doesn't get upset when I (or my sisters in law) don't take it, and she does things the way we want her to.



You have to have a conversation with her.  Did you ever see monster in law?  At the end she has a conversation that you need to have.  It goes like this: I want you to be a big part of our son's life.  I want you to teach him all the things that you know that I don't, I want you to be there on holidays, etc.  I want you to help us as much as you feel comfortable.  But little johny is our child, and we will decide how to raise him.  If you want to bathe him, ask me.  If you want to hold him, ok but when it's time to eat or whatever, hand him over.... etc.



You have to put your foot down now, or it will not stop. Also, asking your husband to go between may make things worse.  Talk to her woman to woman - tell her you respect her and love her, but you will not bend on this matter - it is your child and you will raise him - not her.



Then if she doesn't stop, make boundaries - you only see them on Sunday nights, you only spend 2 hours with them at a time, etc.  She will get the drift.  If your husband wants to stay, ok - let him, you leave.



Also, I can't believe she was upset about you moving - your son's health comes first, not her feelings!

Amy - posted on 01/24/2009

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Hey Gals,



Well, I must say that I'm almost sad that I don't have my mother-in-law around to be annoying.  She lives in another country While I am thankful that after all my years of difficulties with my own mother, she is very close to both of my girls (4 & about 3), and they love my mom..I am sad that they hardly will speak to my mother- in-law on the phone.. Granted, they barley speak the language she speaks, she yells because she's hard of hearing and won't wear a ear piece, and when we visited, she constantly was trying to grab them and hug and kiss them.   But even a month visit was overbearing, and she did the same things-overstepping her boundaries... Well- sorry to say I had to put my foot down and more than once till she got it.  It wasn't just spoiling, but undermining my authority on my own children that sent me over the edge.. And I have to say that even her own daughters stuck up for me, even when my husband didn't. And they gave me the best advice- that it isn't about me or for my sake or sanity, nor hers because she wants to spoil them in the little time she sees them- but it is all about what it does to them.  I would put the situation back on her- like " oh did you let your kids eat candy before dinner- no- b/c it wasn't good for them.  well is that different now, or for my kids, shouldn't it be the same rule?"  then she'd realize she's doing something not good for the kids.   Hope it helps someone else!!

Melinda - posted on 01/24/2009

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She probably means well. Howeve, I know first hand that interference only drives wedges between a couple. I would recommend that you talk with you husband and have him talk with your mother-in-law. At least for me she took it worse when I told her to back off. It took us 12 years, however we have finally set bounderies, and my huband, mother-in-law and kids all have a very good relationship. Good luck.

Maria - posted on 01/24/2009

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Hi all,
I've had ALL the same issues, however my son is now 3 years old and I recently had a daughter who is 8 months old. It doesn't get any better. I am now at a point where i can't even look at my mother-in-law. She has held my baby girl once in 8 months and it was when i came home from the hospital. I vowed to myself that she was never going near my new baby girl because of all the things with my son. She would take over and get others to come get my baby boy and hand him to her, it was crazy and now i am so paranoid and rude at the same time. And I can't help myself. She has now turned to other people saying that I am rude and i won't let her near my kids and she doesn't understand why...she says she is a good person and would never hurt my children, which is totally true...however my point in this is THAT SHE WILL NEVER GET IT...she just wants to do what she wants to do and makes it look like i am the bad guy. I wish you guys luck...however sadly to say it will never change. My husband always sticks up for her...it is a constant battle...me and him get along great...except for her..we can't mention her name without fighting...:(

Catherine - posted on 01/24/2009

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Oh my! I have been thinking for the past three months that my boyfriend's mother was the only one like that and I was all alone! It has got to the point where I hardly speak to her because of the way she tries to take over with my daughter. She makes snide comments like "I've raised 5 children, I kinda know what I'm doing!" I just walk away. I think it's great she raised 5 kids but Lizzy is NOT her's and for some reason everyone thinks that they can tell me what to do! His sister is just as bad. They don't realize that I am her mother...no one else. I love the suggestions, because I've never done this before, but that's all they are to me...suggestions. Kevin and I will make the choices for her. Oh...not to mention just yesterday...I caught his mother giving her Rootbeer!!!! And then before I could say something to her, his sister is putting pickles in her mouth!! I lost it...maybe I went over board but how much can one person take? She takes over bathtime, feedings, diaper changes...you would think she was Lizzy's mother! But I tell Kevin and he talks to her, but it doesn't seem to change anything. And she lives next door...imagine that. I love her, she has done so much for us, but sometimes she just gets to overbearing. And I'm almost to the end of my rope...everyday for the past three months...I don't know what to do.

User - posted on 01/24/2009

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Those are all very very valid points !! I also try to keep reminding myself that I actually DO like these people. I think part of is that she can't have anymore children. She has tried, before my fiance came around she had a child that died on her. So, I am thinking that definitly that is a factor to it all... I generally grin and Bear the over berance(sp?) but I am glad she isn't around all the time. God, 20 minutes away ----- that's just crazy ---- (everybody loves raymond pops into mind) She must come over all the time..

User - posted on 01/24/2009

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Ps- I have told her that Charlie is mine and that she wasn't the one in Labour for Thirteen hours with him... but she just says, Well he has my blood..... *sigh*.

User - posted on 01/24/2009

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WOW



I would totally flip out of she gave a  bath with HERSELF in it. That is sooo inapproprate. Luckily, or not . She lives in Windsor which is far away. She won't be making any choices when it comes to him. I *really* hate the snide comments she makes, it makes me feel like I am doing things wrong. WHen I know I am doing just fine. SHe's not a monster, she's just overly crazy about Charlie. I don't wnat that nightmare.. Whenever, I try to talk to my fiance about how I feel about his mum. He doesn't understand it, he thinks I'm just a little crazy. Which ircks me even more. SHouldn't he be standing up for me?? with these things?



I was there for a week for christmas.. and a week was just wayyyyy to much. Near the end of it I was ready to explode .... my fiance was only there for parts of it too.

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