Overweight, sloppy in dress 20 year old

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Sarah - posted on 06/28/2016

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So this is your statement:
"The way she looks when she leaves the house in tiny clothes that show off her big figure it is embarrassing.."
When we write things they don't come with facial expressions, tone or emotion. When I read this I interpreted it as you were more embarrassed FOR her than BECAUSE of her. so I see both sides. It's OK to be concerned that she may not be representing herself in the best way. Sad as it is first impressions do make a difference. We all need to strive to be accepting and loving of each other and the shapes and sizes we come.
Ultimately, to be obese at 20 is not healthy, whether or not there is a family history of diabetes or CAD. I stand by my original statement of all you can do is to support her in her endeavor to be healthy when she is ready.

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Nadine - posted on 06/28/2016

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I did not realize her health was an issue, as your earlier posts only talk about how embarrassed you are (sorry, but NOT a loving thing to say) by how she looks. If you notice I did add "So long as it is not effecting her health". If that is the issue, then that should be your focus. Not how she dresses or looks, but as it effects her health. I would suggest you urge her to go to a doctor, and let the doctor talk to her about health concerns relating to her weight.

I am sorry if you feelings were hurt. That can happen when you ask for opinions. I did not say you did not love your daughter, I am sure you do. It is part of society to think we are all supposed to be one size. As her mother, to say you are embarrassed by her looks, well, do you ever think that would be a nice thing to say? Even YOU admitted that was a horrible thing to say, and I agree, yes, it is. Concerned about her weight, yes. But it really sounds like it is more your issue than hers. And I really hope we are getting away from a society that thinks we all have to "dress for your size". If she is comfortable in her skin, that is a good thing. And short shorts with crop tops does not sound like someone embarrassed by her body.

Elaine - posted on 06/28/2016

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I agree with you, but healtlh is an issue here. When I said I was embarrassed I assumed I was speaking to people who understood that it's not a lack of love or lack of patience, there is nothing "horrible" in my feelings for her. I only want to help her. So please don't tell me that I am harming her, by trying to help her before it gets to be a life-long problem.

Elaine - posted on 06/28/2016

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Yes, you're right. She was never heavy before college, but was bullied in high school and she still carries those wounds internally. In a way I think she's hiding from that period of time and the weight keeps her safe. Don't get me wrong, she's outgoing and delightful, but I see her sullen moods and sadness. I have many times told her that i would help her and if she felt fine with her size to dress for that size. I told her we, as woman always have to do that whether you're too tall, too short, too heavy or too thin for certain fashions. She recently got a part time job i a plus size store for young people and that is helping her style. I fear for her health as heart disease and diabetes is prevalent in our families. I know I have to wait for her to make the decision to change, but it's difficult, as a Mom. Thank you for responding .

Nadine - posted on 06/28/2016

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If she is comfortable in her weight and how she dresses perhaps it is none of your business. She is an adult. She knows how she looks. We are programmed by society to think that anything bigger than a size 6 is fat. So long as it is not effecting her health there is nothing wrong with her being bigger than she was. Weight gain can be a private struggle, and yeah, as one who knows this, saying you are embarrassed by her body is a pretty horrible thing to say. It is neither helpful nor kind. If she is wearing crop top[s and short shorts perhaps SHE likes her body, and kudos to her. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.

Sarah - posted on 06/27/2016

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You really can only stand back and let her know if she need support in changing her lifestyle, you will help her. It isn't unusual for young adults to gain when they leave for school and can eat whatever they want, whenever they want. She knows how she looks, and if she wants help you'll be there for her.

Elaine - posted on 06/27/2016

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She's a beautiful young woman. But she started to put on weight when she went to college. She also has anxiety and depression issues She's 2 years into college and is very heavy and does not have any care about how she dresses (like someone who is much smaller) crop tops shorts too short. I love her with all my heart, but when I bring up dieting she doesn't want to hear it She never exercises at all. The way she looks when she leaves the house in tiny clothes that show off her big figure it is embarassing and that' a horrible thing for a mother to say, but it's true.

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