pain

Whitney - posted on 01/14/2015 ( 53 moms have responded )

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How do you get over trauma?

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Jodi - posted on 01/15/2015

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Whitney, I think you are misunderstanding.

1. Your older son has "groomed" your younger son BECAUSE he has been taught/learned to do this somewhere. This is not something he just learned how to do all on his own. That's why people are concerned about who may have been the molester of your older son.

2. Noone is suggesting you leave your children with people you don't trust or that you are negligent. In most cases, a child who is sexually abused is done so by a person trusted by the parent, and in fact, by a family member. As horrific as that may seem to you, there is a very high possibility that it IS someone you trust (or a family member) who has done this to your oldest son. Only about 12% of child sexual abuse is committed by a stranger to the child. You were NOT to know this was happening. But you have to give this thought and consideration to help your son.

3. I am a high school teacher. 9, 10, 11, 12 year olds are NOT experimenting with sex and they certainly aren't molesting 4 year olds. Very few children are having sex before the age of 14, and even after that, it isn't a majority. The average age a girl has sex in most developed countries (including the US) is still 17 years of age - they are the actual statistics. Kids are not getting worse at all, that is merely a perception as we get older. Your older son's actions have nothing to do with normal or healthy sexual experimentation, but are indicative of sexual victimisation by a very skilled adult.

STOP MAKING EXCUSES. Nobody has said you are a bad mother because this has happened, but what you do NOW will define what sort of mother you are to both of your children. You do need to help both children because your older son is a victim too, you just don't know who victimised him yet. But he is also a victim and needs your support.

Trisha - posted on 01/15/2015

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Whitney, no one here is blaming you. We are not saying that you are doing wrong by what you are doing. They would never want to be in your position. I think it is probably best that you disengage from this conversation.
No one is inferring that you are a bad mom, or did anything to cause, or let this happen.
We all feel for you and are some are just worried that your oldest is not getting the help he needs.
I personally know that you seem to be do everything you possibly can. You can't torture yourself anymore by going over these details in a public forum to try to defend yourself.
I respect you for your strength in taking all the right steps you can to protect your children.
You will not be able to find the man who is likely the molester of your oldest (if he was indeed a victim himself). This is something your son will have to admit to to someone, like his therapist, after he goes through treatment that will help him understand what happened to him was not right, or that he is safe to admit it.
You can NOT live your life constantly suspecting the people around you. You can protect them going forward only.
Take a deep breath, and say "I am a good Mom! Even though I am going through this ridiculously horrible and trying time, I am a good mom for doing everything I can to help BOTH of my kids with this."

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/14/2015

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If I were the older son, I'd expect my mother to pursue the deviant that raped me as fiercely as she's pursuing me for molesting my baby brother.

By not doing so, by not giving your fullest energy to BOTH, your elder will suffer. He was groomed, he was raped, and it was probably pretty ongoing from when he was young. When he got older, and 'in control' (that's your key: CONTROL. He waited until he was not being controlled, but in control) he began to act out the molestation.

If I were the OP, I'd be up in Auntie's face, getting the info on her foster kids, I'd be up in my attorney's office demanding justice for both of my sons, and not letting one be vilified because he was a victim that turned into a predator.

Whitney - posted on 07/11/2015

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Thank you for your input. I did find out my son was sexually abused by the school counselor in 2nd and 3rd grade. 4yrs prior to me finding out. The police aren't investigating it because the counselor passed a lie detector test n i have no evidence. I dont think they like my son due to his confessions they haven't even looked into the other kids. I'm crushed. This is the hardest thing i ever had to deal with

Inna - posted on 02/19/2015

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listen to your intuition woman, was your husband really concerned when your baby complained about his butt? how is he with the kids, does he spend alot of alone time with them? does something feel off? I'm not trying to make you mistrust your husband, but for your son to learn those things it has to come from an adult and from an earlier age, so THINK!

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Inna - posted on 02/19/2015

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Did you ever consider that its your husband who has been abusing your first born son? at this point you cannot be naive and if I was you my trust for others would be gone.

Sarah - posted on 01/15/2015

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Whitney, this has been hashed out enough but in your last post you say:
"I meant the normal child would tell that there peers are having sex with a baby (I would anyway)."
This is exactly what we mean my grooming, your son became skilled enough of a predator to groom the other participants in the group assault to keep quiet. It seems impossible, but this is the way predators work.
Let's imagine, your son has persuaded other boys to either watch or participate in this awful act. When over, he may say "if you tell no one will believe you" or "you are gonna go to jail with the rest of us" or "I'll hurt you or your family" or "you liked it, you know you did" or "you are a pervert and I am gonna tell everyone that you are gay". It is the height of manipulation and control. I hope all of your family gets the help needed to recover from this situation. Take care, don't give up.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/15/2015

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I am sure this has already been discussed, but a child that age does not commit sex crimes unless they were previously raped themselves. There is more going on here than you are either seeing. It is awful what your family is going through. I hope every one of you are in therapy for this. Especially your little one. Lots of love sent your way.

Whitney - posted on 01/15/2015

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I meant the normal child would tell that there peers are having sex with a baby (I would anyway). There was deff a lack of supervision when it happened I agree. To get pass all this back n fourth talk about my oldest being raped, I will keep that into consideration while I deal with him. I will try my best to get it out of him. I said before that I believe if it was an ongoing sexual abuse it could have happened over his dad's moms house. When he was little he always hated going over there but he grew out of it. I use to think it was strange he didn't like going over there cause he never cried about going over anybody's house cause he was so damn friendly. So I never forced him to go. I will bring it up in therapy n see how he responds. If anyone there (grandfather,uncle) was touching him it would explain y he thinks it's ok to have sex with family. But I'm not close-minded to the possibility!

Sarah - posted on 01/15/2015

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* "But by no way was it going on for years. He had no reason to not tell me. Thats why I believe him when he says he hasn't."
Your 4 year old initially denied being touch by his brother. Why? Because he was told not to tell. That is exactly why your older son did not tell, because he was groomed.
I get that it is too horrible for you to wrap your head around right now.
He is either to ashamed, afraid or embarrassed to disclose at this point. You cannot believe that one assault turned your son into a sexual predator? Especially because he offered his brother up to a group to gang rape. No one said all of those kids were victims of previous crimes. Your son may have shown them how to perform. After the group assault no one came forward. Why? Is it possible your son intimidated the members of the group? That is how predators groom and keep their victims silent. Your son was the victim of a group assault by girls. Maybe he was the victim of a group assault by men as well.

Jodi - posted on 01/15/2015

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The normal child is NOT going to tell. That's what we are trying to say. The normal child may not tell until they are an adult, if ever.

And can I just say that if your oldest was involved in a gang rape somewhere with his peers, there actually IS an issue of supervision here (not necessarily you) and clearly this same lack of supervision could have resulted in someone also being involved with your son. I'm not sure where this took place or who these peers were (cousins? at aunt's house?), but it is suggestive that if this can occur in that environment, they could all have very well been groomed by the same person in the same unsupervised environment. Anyway, that's just some feedback on what you asked.

Whitney - posted on 01/15/2015

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Yes I have researched it. I'm not saying my son wasnt raped I'm saying I dont c how or when. I also said he's getting help from professionals who also told me there is a possibility he NEVER got molested. Typically yes a child acting out like this has learned it from somewhere. But I'm saying that not all kids who have done this been molested. Like I said his group of peers are all young. Because they participated have they all been molested? The normal child is going to tell.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/15/2015

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Whitney, have you actually researched what you're saying? You're implying that your eldest was not victimized! (Quote: "People are saying he DEFF IS A VICTIM HIMSELF but how can they say that")

We can say that, because an 8 or 9 YO boy would not just sodomize his infant brother out of 'sexual curiosity'. Sexual curiosity, if noted in a boy of that age, INDICATES SEXUAL ABUSE AND GROOMING. It wouldn't be an indicator if it was untrue. Your son, at the age of 8 or 9 had already been groomed by his molester, and raped. Furthermore, a 12-13 yo boy wouldn't be having group sex with his peers, again, unless the behaviour was a learned one from a molester.

You aren't at fault for that. Its proven that most predators are trusted family members and friends that have a really good game face and are great liars. They are usually well respected within the family, and usually in a mentor relationship with numerous children in the family. Your son could still be protecting his predator, because he's obviously been groomed from a very young age.

Whitney - posted on 01/15/2015

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Thank u I do appreciate all ur kind words. Its not that I think people are blaming me (I mean a couple comments in the beginning were a lil upsetting) its just that they dont understand I went over everything. I do believe I'm a good mom. I'm hurt over the fact I didnt find out sooner. I'm hurt my baby suffered from so much. I'm hurt over my babys pain. But I get threw my days seeing how happy my baby is. My original post says my oldest, who we will from here on out call 1, is now in therapy. If hes in therapy of course 1 being molested has been brought up. I have him with people who "supposedly" know what they are doing. N if I dont c changes in 1 then I will look for a better place for him. He is in the best place for kids like him closes to my home. If that dont work I will put him in another city close to me. Whatever it takes to help him I'm for it! So I just dont understand how people are missing that thru what I'm typing. I thought this was a support group. Before assuming ask for a lil more detail. People are saying he DEFF IS A VICTIM HIMSELF but how can they say that? Just because statistically it says thats the norm? Every situation is different. It may be similar but different. And as I'm sure we can all agree this is very different! So maybe my son was molested, but I know for sure it wasnt to the point he has an excuse to do what he did. 1 was always babysat by older women. There is a possibility somewhere in his life he could have been raped. But by no way was it going on for years. He had no reason to not tell me. Thats why I believe him when he says he hasn't.

Whitney - posted on 01/15/2015

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I'm not making excuses at all. How do u figure? If anything saying my son was raped is an excuse for him. I am helping my kids. My son is in intense therapy for child sex offenders. What more can I do????? I dont let nobody watch my kids anymore other than my mother. N she comes to my house to watch them. I am traumatized by this, nobody is getting my kids outside of daycare. I'm trying to keep my son in therapy til hes 18 I dont want him to ever hurt another kid. N as mad as I am I still tell him I love him. I still tell him I'm here for him. N I let him kno if hes been hurt to let me get justice for him too. He swears he hasnt. My therapist thinks he may be a pyschopath based off how intelligent he is. He has not been evaluated yet though. My son grew up spoiled. He had everything he could possibly ask for. I dont know what his reason could be. He said before that he wanted to make my son gay so that I would have to except him since they both were. Then later in therapy he said he made that up for an excuse and that hes not gay hes bi. Yes this is a very unusual case. A case alot of professional ppl are trying to get to the bottom of.

Whitney - posted on 01/15/2015

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I hear what everybody is saying as far as thinkn my oldest was raped. Like I said though I have thought very hard about who it could be. I lived in projects when he was younger where the young kids were very sexual. Have they been molested I dont kno. But l have been out of the projects for a long time now. I dont let my son go in nobodys house other than family. All the men in my family that hes been around I grew up with. None in wich are convicted molesters. I called my son nasty n sexual based on my pain. If he was saying he was raped I would feel for him. I have my son in intense therapy away from my baby whst more can I do to help him. Even the therspist said he didnt necessarily have to have been raped. Or it could have happened so lonv ago he cant remember. But if he couldnt remember how does he know how to get away with it. There is nothing I can do about someone raping him unless he opens up. Cause I'm not gonna be able to figure it out. Hopefully therapy helps. I appreciate everyones concern but ppl keep saying about his rapist when theres nothing I can do to fiyure it out. U all say kids that age dont just do that to babies. Well are u suggesting that every kid my oldest son said participated in this has been molested? My son named 6 other kids. Is he telling the truth, I think so. My 4yr old finally admitted to the rest. But its still being investigated. All of the kids involved with my baby are younger than 14. So what would make them kids participate n not tell????? So I think kids can do things like this just cause their sick mentally. How could my son find a group of molested kids just like that?

Sarah - posted on 01/15/2015

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* "oh and you say my 4yr old would have told me, how do you figure when he's been groomed and threatened by my oldest not to tell me.
My post was in response to Trisha Lee who said:
"Her 4 year old is just starting to communicate properly. If the child was being sodomized since infancy, then he doesn't really know anything different. "
My intent was to clarify that if this child believed sodomy happened to everyone and it was just part of life, he would not have kept it a secret. As well as to dispute that our older boy is being forthcoming with his own history. You continued at that point in the point to insist that he had not been assaulted (except by the girls who forced oral sex). My position was that if your older son had not been groomed himself, he would not know how to groom a 4yo.
How many stories have you heard about children getting molested by the most unlikely suspect? Jodi is correct the sex crimes against kids are rarely committed by a stranger. Most often a chronically abused child loves the perpetrator, wants to protect him, fears upsetting the family, fears he won't be believed or simply fears facing the consequences of disclosing.
Your OP stated how angry you were and how you'll never allow your older boy back in the house. You called him "nasty and sexual". My responses were to help you realize that your boy is not "nasty and sexual" but damaged, terribly damaged.
No one said that 9,10, 11,12 yo aren't aware of sex. What was stated is that most kids this age are not sexually active. Even the most mature 9 year old is not prepared mentally, physically or emotionally to initiate sexual experimentation.
It might not be what you want to hear, but you need to realize that your situation is not the norm.
Keep in mind; whomever did this to your older son may still be in your family's life. If your child with Down's is living with you and your 4 yo, you've got to protect them from becoming potential victims as well.

Trisha - posted on 01/15/2015

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Whitney, I would have to say I hate to agree with this women in certain ways.
I think it is important for you to know that I have heard of underground books available on the internet about how to groom children to live from infancy with rape/molestation in such a way that they will never tell.
What the girls here are trying to tell you, is that there is probably someone your son is trying to protect, or who he is deathly scared of, who has been molesting him for years.
This isn't necessarily someone he doesn't want to be with. He may have been groomed to keep these secrets out of shame, fear, or respect for this person.
It could be someone you trust very much. They want you to be aware of this possibility, so that you can protect your other children from this same person, and get the justice needed.
Hopefully the counselling will help you seek the answers.

Raye - posted on 01/15/2015

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Whitney, I've not really said much until now because I have absolutely no experience or training that might be helpful to your children's situation. What I can say is that these ladies are trying to be helpful. You are hurt and you feel attacked because the responses you receive have not been what you expected. We are on the outside, and true that we don't know all the facts, but we can give different perspectives for you to think about that might lead you to the right track to help your children.

Your situation is very serious and unusual. You're not going to find many people that have shared your experiences that can offer you comfort. It doesn't mean we're any less sympathetic. I don't think anybody reading your story could be untouched or unemotional about it. It's just that we have never been in those shoes (and pray we never are!). Nobody knows what influenced your son to commit those acts except himself and possibly someone else that may have hurt him. All anyone can do is speculate and offer advice from our own limited experiences or training. Even if we had gone through a similar tragedy, the details would be different and we may not be able to provide the comfort or answers you're looking for.... just a another perspective.

Whitney - posted on 01/15/2015

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oh and you say my 4yr old would have told me, how do you figure when he's been groomed and threatened by my oldest not to tell me. my oldest put fear in my son. you are on the outside looking in. that's why its best that if you have not been in a similar situation to not even comment on these type of post. cause all your doing is assuming and you don't know me or my family from a can of paint. and i don't know where you are from but where i am from yes at 9, 10, 11, 12 kids are experimenting with sex. this is 2015 girls are getting pregnant by 14. so please don't say at that age they aren't aware of sex. kids get worse and worse as generations go by.

Whitney - posted on 01/15/2015

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I am a super over protective type of mother. I don't leave my kids on just anyone. I am doing all the right things I need to do for my son. as far as investigating his abuser "are you suggesting that I go around accusing people of molesting my son????" I love my kids whole heartedly. this is a recent event for my family so I am extremely hurt and disappointed in my son. he is a very intelligent kid and he knew better. of course I racked my brain on who could have done anything to him. but like I said unless it happened over his fathers mothers house I don't see nobody I had him around doing it. there is no way my husband would ever do anything like that. he is tore up about this as much as me. he shed just as many tears as I did. I came on this site looking for support from mothers who have been in a similar situation or who can relate to mines. I did not come on here looking to put every detail of my issues up. I figured out what was going on with my kids with nobody telling me. so yes I pay attention to my kids. I missed it cause my son is a master manipulator and he was good at getting over. but not that its out in the open I'm going to do everything in my power to help both of my kids. my 4yr old is going to be okay. now that my oldest is away my baby feels free, and he is very happy and progressing greatly. I have professionals involved helping my family out. they let me know that I am doing everything right. I am aware my son is a liar, but I'm not going to stress him about who raped him cause I don't want him lying on someone and ruining someone's life cause I'm going after who ever he says done it! so all I can do is encourage him to not be afraid to let me know if it has happened to him. but please don't judge me to be a bad mom cause bad things happened. I am all about my kids!

Jodi - posted on 01/14/2015

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You CAN'T go by what he tells you!! Up until now, he has lied to you for years, kept the truth from you. He is not trustworthy. Don't take his word for anything at the moment. He will tell you only what you want to hear. Something else has happened. But don't just go by what he says. Investigate the situation.

I also didn't ask about your aunt's spouse, as he is only one of many adults, in addition to your aunt, that may have access to the children in the house. I am wondering on any other adults that may have freedom and access to the children. Or is there anyone ELSE in your life that you leave you children with, or have done in the past, even those you trust wholeheartedly? I almost hate to even say I'd be suspecting my husband now, too, at this point. I wouldn't rest, if it were me, until I got to the bottom of it, but I sure as hell wouldn't take my son's word for what has happened here. He could be lying because he is in trouble, or lying to protect someone.

Whitney - posted on 01/14/2015

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I dont know y my son done what he did. Im trying to figure it out. We go to family counseling once a wk. He said he is sexually active with kids his age and they dominate him. So thats y he claims he likes feeling in charge with the babies. As far as the girls givinv him oral he said they was playing house. I'm not giving reasons to y my son done what he done I can only assume n go by what he tells me. If someone done something to him I hope he does tell me.

Sarah - posted on 01/14/2015

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It is not natural curiosity in sex that causes a child to assault a sibling! It does not matter one bit if he is gay, straight or bisexual. I have said this as politely as I can. Your child was not born a predator, and he was not made into one by one incident with pre-teen girls, he was taught this behavior. Sex crimes often are committed on the easiest target. He raped your baby anally because he was a male, if you had a daughter; she probably would have been subjected to vaginal penetration. Your son told you himself he felt "in control" during these crimes, not that he was attracted to toddler boys.
BTW when these girls performed oral sex on him, he was being sexually assaulted. To say the penetration must occur in order for the incident to be considered "rape" is simply semantics. The effects are the same. Can you imagine how embarrassed and ashamed he must have felt, or frightened? Why did he not tell you?
Your son was not subjected to one solitary incident, this pattern of predatory behavior is the result of long term abuse and grooming. Someday, hopefully he'll tell you. Hopefully before more children are violated.

Whitney - posted on 01/14/2015

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All of this is still new. I'm trying to get to the bottom of everything! I rack my brain trying to figure out when it was possible for it to have happened to my oldest. Im going to continue to ask my son if he has. But he is seeing therapist so we are all on it. Like I said he is being housed in a home who helps kids similar to him. I wasn't saying my son beung gay made him a pedophile! I meant in in the form of him being interested in anal sex and sex with boys. For all I kno his curiosity for sex made him rape my youngest. Hopefully therapy helps us figure him out. My aunt has been married to the same man my whole life btw

Jodi - posted on 01/14/2015

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Whether he wants you to know or not, it is your job to investigate it further and to believe that he has had a troubled past also. Just because he says he wasn't doesn't mean he wasn't. I know someone who only finally admitted to being raped and molested as a child when he was in his 30s. He lived with it ALL that time and noone knew a thing. He even denied it many times as his perpetrator was being investigated for other crimes.

Also, paedophilia is NOT related to being gay, so please don't put this down to your son "wanting" to be gay. This is not the act of a child/individual who is gay. Gay does not equal paedophile, so his sexual orientation or how he identifes sexually has absolutely nothing to do with this kind of sociopathic behaviour.

As someone with a degree in psychology and in secondary education, I can honestly say I agree with the other ladies that this is a boy who is displaying classic signs of a child who has been molested - and no, not through oral sex with a couple of girls.

If you think your oldest son has not somehow been sexually interfered with and groomed by an incredibly skilled adult, I think you are somehow in denial. Can I ask what adult males are in your aunt's house? Or have been over the last 4-5 years?

Whitney - posted on 01/14/2015

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Shawn sorry but I dont think your keeping up. My oldest son has not been raped, n if he has he doesn't want me to kno. The cops are on the case to get justice for my son. Its all under investigation. If I go to my aunts house I WILL BE CATCHING A CASE! I kno what I need to kno on the girls. I dont need a lawyer......

Whitney - posted on 01/14/2015

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It sounds hard to believe for anybody esp ppl who know me n know my kids. Like I said this was something noone could have guessed. My oldest growing up l could tell he wanted to be gay. I tried to influence him otherwise. But like I said it sounds like he more than likely was raped n he has been asked on multiple occasions if anyone has ever done it to him. He swears no. When he was in third grade he went to a Catholic school where he said he saw asshole sex written in the stall. I talked to him then (as well as b4) about inappropriate touching n if anyone has ever touched him let me kno. Matter of fact because I thought he was kinda feminine as a young boy I always asked him if anyone ever touched him n I let him kno what ppl do to scare kids into not talking. I had seen a marathon of SVU where it was about rape. Thats whe. I learned that boys get raped as much as girls or more. So I was always extra cautious about my oldest, esp cause he was so friendly. So no everybody keeps saying my oldest was raped but I never said that. That is an assumption made. If I was a neglectful parent the system would be all in my household and there not. So please stop stereotyping my situation. This is very different!

Sarah - posted on 01/14/2015

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I would expect her to try to figure out where this pathology originated. A four year old may not have a well defined sense of time, but he can certainly say, "My brother is hurting me" and not lie about it when asked directly. Mom says she teaches good touch from bad touch, right? Well if the 4yo is not being groomed, he would have disclosed. Even if he thought it was something every brother does to each other.
Even a true sociopath, does not start out with this type of deviant behavior.
Is every child molester the result of a previous molestation? Of course not. Deviant behaviors can develop over time if self-control and sense of shame and modesty are not properly developed. At 9, this child's pathology is so far progressed, it speaks directly to another predator in this family's life. Some of the assaults were carried out by other minors, to have oral sex performed on you at 9 is not a bonus, it is a crime.
Ask yourself how a 9 year old, even 10, 11 comes up with idea to commit sodomy? It isn't exactly mainstream conversation. And if this boy was subjected to that type of graphic information at that age, then there is a neglect issue at hand. Most of the children I encounter, even in desperately horrible situations, have no idea about the nuances of sexual behavior at 10. I am not saying they are ignorant, but anal penetration? No way.

Whitney - posted on 01/14/2015

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Well Sarah i dont kno how to respond to that. My son sense of time is horrible. I kno my baby was born when he was nine. He doesnt give a age when he started on my baby, he just says he was in diapers. But he did say the older girls performed oral sex on him when he was 8-9. I have been trying to get to the bottom of him being raped or not. Hes admitted to a whole lot. Y wouldnt he admit to getting raped or molested? He heard therapist saying its not normal unless he himself has been raped. So he said he was then he took it back saying he only said it to get out of trouble. If he was raped I damn sure want the person who did it!

Trisha - posted on 01/14/2015

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Her 4 year old is just starting to communicate properly. If the child was being sodomized since infancy, then he doesn't really know anything different.
She is doing everything she can to get to the root of the problem. She has the teen in counselling, and in a mental institute.
I don't really understand what else you expect her to do?

Sarah - posted on 01/14/2015

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I stand my my position that, a 9 year old does not initiate and perpetuate, a systematic, and chronic pattern of sexual assault. Most 9 yo males are not even in early puberty, therefore lacking in testosterone. Sexual curiosity does not result in sodomy of a sibling. This was predatory behavior. Evidence of "grooming the victim" is present as the 4 yo denied being touched. A 4yo does not keep painful activity a secret unless he is taught to by his assailant. All of this is indicative that your older child has been in the same situation he created.

Whitney - posted on 01/14/2015

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Yes Trisha I kno n thats what im trying to do. I go to counselling to help me put my anger aside n still help my oldest. Cause u r right if I turn my back on him it will probably effect him n make him worse. Its just very hard facing and fighting his demon

Trisha - posted on 01/14/2015

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As hard as it is to come to terms with, your older son still needs your support and love. The more you push him away, the worse he can get.

Whitney - posted on 01/14/2015

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Thank you so much. I cry all the time cause I feel like I failed my younger boys. I feel like I should have caught it. We are all going to counselling. My 4yr old therapist thinks my son needs a lil more time since he doesnt draw nor does he want to talk about it. He has trust issues n he only opens up to me which is so hard for me at times. I always let him kno its not his fault n I have to hold my tears in front of him, but when im alone I cry n let it all out. I hope my oldest son sees the wrong in what he done n never does it again. Im trying to keep him in counselling until hes 18.I dont ever want him around my other boys ever again

Raye - posted on 01/14/2015

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It's clear your 13 y/o is a disturbed boy. Glad he is getting help, and glad he is out of the house and no longer a danger to your other children. So sorry you and your family have gone through that kind of pain. I wish you and your family the best of luck in healing and getting past this tragedy.

Trisha - posted on 01/14/2015

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Hi Whitney. I am sorry to hear that this is what your life is surrounded with right now.
My 15 yr old brother molested my 3 year old cousin while I was upstairs in the same house. I had no idea.
He was put away in a juvenile delinquency jail for 6 months with daily counselling.
I hated him. I thought he should die for doing such a thing.
It took a long time for me to forgive him for doing that to a child. I didn't believe that he was sorry for doing it. Eventually there was a point at which he confronted me. He burst out into tears and told me I was right. At first, he was just sorry he got caught. But after counselling, he really understood what he did was wrong.
My brother and I have a good relationship now.
Your son's situations seem much more complicated than that, but I do want you to know that you are not alone.
My mother went through something similar. She is one of the greatest Mom's I have ever known, yet I know she felt like a failure. It makes me sad to see that
My brother actually has been around the victim of his molestation since it happened. With her parents, and her brother they all went on a supervised camping trip. They have a good relationship now. Though they aren't close, they do still communicate.
I still feel guilt for being upstairs during the happening of it.
You, your son's (both of them) and your husband all have a lot of counselling and talking to go through. I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you get the support you need.

Whitney - posted on 01/14/2015

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Yea that makes sense lol. Sorry for the confusion. Just was avoiding names n I have four son n wich two was affected by this. One worse than the other

Whitney - posted on 01/14/2015

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Im typing from my phone. I was on here looking for support not really trying to explain every detail. This is a closed case with CYF but its still open with the police. So I just recently found out about the girls being molested.

Whitney - posted on 01/14/2015

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I say they are his peers cause they are only three years older. I didnt say they didnt have full sized peckers ctfu. I just said there ages. If u look on line n do some research sexual abuse is not always found thru a pediatrician. U have to go to rape experts which I took my son too when it all came out. And they told me pediatrician miss it as well. N I didnt kno of the gang rape when it happened I found out way leter

Sarah - posted on 01/14/2015

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Maybe it would clarify if in future posted you say my younger son and my older son. When you use he/him/his to describe either boy in the same sentence it is confusing.

Whitney - posted on 01/14/2015

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U r confused. CYF was contacted thru the mental home I placed my son in. It automatically was an open case. They came to my house investigated me, my husband and my two babies. They went to my kids daycare n made sure we were not neglectful. They helped me place my son in a long-term housing mental facility then they closed the case cause they said I was making all the proper steps. While in the new housing facility my son came out with the other stories (gang raping my son with his peers n starting sex with the girls older than him.) As far as the gang rape police are investigating that now. My 12yr old was not gang raped. He said he did that to my baby with his cousins and friends (I kno its sick). I ask him during counciling multiple times have it ever happened to him he swears it hasnt. I can I say it has if he says no? I was always cautious on who j let keep my kids. Thats why it hurts so much that this happened over a trusted family members house whk just didnt keep a good eye on him. But my son is very manipulative hes not a kid with noticeable mental issues. Nobody could have ever guessed this from him cause he acts like a good kid.

Sarah - posted on 01/14/2015

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This makes no sense,:
He was never molested by any adult, but he was gang raped at a family members house who was babysitting?
Even more concerning:
"He said he does it to the babies cause he like to feel in control because hes not in control with his peers"
This screams that a person "in control" assaulted him! Children do not just decide to have sex with babies at age 9,10 or whatever. Nor do they offer up their siblings to be assaulted.
If this all happened recently, how could CPS already have had a hearing to find the case not-indicated for an open case.

Sarah - posted on 01/14/2015

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You did say he got it for hearing other kids:
" I believe he got it from other kids his age who were already sexually active. my aunt does foster care and sometimes deals with kids who have been molested. and molested kids share the experiences with other kids."

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/14/2015

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So, he was molested. What's being done about that? you're vilifying him for his actions, but not prosecuting those who molested him?

First you say, that he got it 'from kids his age', now you say 'from girls older than him'. Which is it?

Furthermore, the internal damage that he may have done to the younger two needs to be looked into. If a 4 YO is sodomized by multiple people (and 11-13 YO young men ARE close to full penile growth, BTW, so trying to say they're too young to have a full sized pecker is ridiculous), there will be more evidence than you claim to have seen.

Sarah - posted on 01/14/2015

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Your 4 year old can recount his "first sexual experience"? You say yourself your older son let his cousins rape your child, if a group 11-13 yo sodomizes a toddler there is going to be evidence.
You aren't hearing what is being said to you...a 9 year old, pre-puberty does not go and rape his sibling because he heard about is from a peer. It is a learned pathology. Your predator son, was taught how to assault. You say:
"I believe he got it from other kids his age who were already sexually active. " That is not how predators learn. They learn by repeating what was done to them. If your aunt houses girls that were molested, why was your child ever left unattended with them?

Whitney - posted on 01/14/2015

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I didnt say he listened to them recount their stories. They were older females who performed sexually activities with him! He is in counselling n he says he has never been raped or molested by any adult. Him n another boy were sexually active with my aunts foster kids. He said he does it to the babies cause he like to feel in control because hes not in control with his peers. It went on for years on n off. I taught my son good touch bad touch but it must have been to late. He was gang raped at a family members house who was babysitting so my son says. He basically did it whenever he could

Whitney - posted on 01/14/2015

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Well first off dealing with this is hard enough to have to hear u point fingers to the rest of the fam. Of course he goes to the doctors! Everytime he tolx me his butt hurt I looked at it. Never seen nothing unusual. He wasnt raping him constantly as a baby he just said his first time was when he was a baby. As far as him being gang raped it was by kids who where 11-13yrs old. I asked him was he ever raped n he says no. He said his first sexual experience was with my aunts foster girls who were older and had came from homes being molested. Of course I checked in it. As far as my family needing to be investigated dont u think that happened? Well it did n cyf dropped the case cause me n my husband handled everything properly. The police and cyf both commended me n my husband for such a great job on how we moved. Says we even did a good job with getting my son to talk.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/14/2015

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9 year olds are not sexually active, nor sexually promiscuous unless they HAVE been molested.

Your 13 year old, while needing help for what he did, also needs help to find the person that molested him. He deserves the same effort and support in that arena as you are giving your 4 year old.

There is more wrong here than your oldest molesting your youngest. There are supervision issues, there are issues about whether or not either is receiving (or was receiving) medical care...

Unfortunately, to me it seems the entire family needs to be investigated, in order to insure that the babies are safe.

Sarah - posted on 01/14/2015

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To become a predator at 9? I work in public school in an area with many children in the system. i have never met a sexually active 9 year old before, molested certainly. You make it sound like they were shoplifting and taught your son how to steal. Victims of molestation, left untreated, can become predators themselves. A child does not become a predator by listening to children recount their abuse.You need to examine your son's history and ask yourself who taught him to sodomize an infant? This whole situation is criminal. How could this have gone on for years and you never saw any evidence? A gang rape? Your baby's bottom (for lack of a more descriptive word) would have been torn, bleeding or at the very least super inflamed. Did you never take you son to the pediatrician? I know that molestation can go on for years without a child disclosing or a parent noticing. This situation was between a child too young to be left home alone, and an infant, where were you?

Whitney - posted on 01/14/2015

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he was actually 9 when my second son was born. my oldest son admitted to abusing him but he doesn't know exactly how old he was or how old my baby was. all he remembers is that he was in diapers. and he said he was a small baby. I believe he got it from other kids his age who were already sexually active. my aunt does foster care and sometimes deals with kids who have been molested. and molested kids share the experiences with other kids. some how my son got caught up in the viscous cycle and my baby boy paid for it

Sarah - posted on 01/14/2015

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If your son is barely 13, that means he started assaulting your infant when he was 8. How on earth did he even learn such behavior?

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