Parent of an addict

Pam - posted on 05/13/2017 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My now 28 yr old son is living with us due to an DUI and possession of Adderall. This also happened at age 20 while he was in college. He is now living with us and had agreed to seek an evaluation/treatment but has not followed through. We had him leave a month ago due to not following through and agreement and because he was using drugs and drinking in our home. He is an alcoholic and addicted to amphetamines and in the past also to pain pills. He is disrespectful, rude, and is so sick that he doesn't know he is sick. He has a part time job we drive him to as he is not legally able to drive due to drinking and driving. He shames me constantly for telling him he is breaking the agreement and needs to move out again. What do I do? I am feeling desperate and crazy with worry. I want him to leave.

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Erin - posted on 05/16/2017

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I agree with the intervention if you haven't done it yet. Do you have any other family that is affected by his drinking/drug use? I'm a recovering alcoholic and addict. I got my DUI/possession charge in march 2012. I was living home at the time and my dad picked me up after being in jail for 15 hours. I never apologized to my parents and was a total little shit to them. I was full of pride. We went and got my car out of impound, then I came home and showered and slept for about 12 hours. My parents woke me up and said I need to eat something so they took me out. When we got back home, my 3 siblings and brother in law were there. They all told me their feelings, intervention style, and I had no idea I was affecting them that way. 4 days later i went to my first AA meeting because that was part of the deal with me living at home. two months later i had my court day and was put back in jail for 24 hours with 90 days suspended. It was hard. My brother in law was a cop and watched my arrest on the cameras at the jail. I am one of few...only 1 DUI and 1 trip to jail and I've been sober for 5+ years.
This disease is only self-diagnosed unfortunately. An active alcoholic/addict is manipulative and selfish. They know exactly how to play the people close to them and they know exactly how to believe their own lies and BS. Go with your gut. Kick him out. Go to alanon. Go to therapy. You will never be able to control him. He needs to hit his bottom. Fair warning, some people never do. Come up with an agreement if you let him stay. Take him to and from meetings, he should be going to at least one a day. He needs to get a sponsor and most importantly stop using/drinking. Get him to therapy. Has he been to rehab? I cannot emphasize this enough to people, your son is not a bad person, he is a sick person who needs help, who needs to help himself. He has a baffling disease that cannot be diagnosed by anyone but him which is why we need to hit our bottom. The allure of using/drinking is strong and always present. Tough love is the way to go. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I put my family through hell but they have me back now that I got my life together. I wouldn't trade my experience for anything. I'm sorry this post is so long! I really really feel for what you're going through. Find a good therapist who specializes in this for yourself, it'll be the best thing you do for yourself.

Dove - posted on 05/14/2017

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Have you guys had an intervention? I don't have any experience w/ it or much knowledge, but have heard that it can sometimes help. Otherwise... Ev is completely right. He needs to have a written contract of what you expect out of him to keep living there and if he doesn't... time for him to leave. I can imagine how much it really sucks because he is your child and you WANT to help him... but he is not going to get help until HE is ready no matter what you do.

Ev - posted on 05/13/2017

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Then make a contract with what is expected of him and the rules in the house regarding the use of drugs and alcohol. If he can not abide the contract he can leave. Just tell him he has to do something or you can move his stuff out and change the locks on the door. He is an adult and has to learn to take care of his messes. Drug addict or not--sometimes you need to do tough love.

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