Monica - posted on 03/25/2012 ( 13 moms have responded )
This is the 1st time ever writing about my situation & I just thought someone out there has had experience here & lead me in the right direction.
I am 42 years old & have 2 beautiful girls aged 11 & 13. Their Father & I separated in August 2010 after a long struggle with me coming to terms that we would be better off apart.
We were married for 14 1/2 years & during that time especially after the kids came, he never spent time with us. He would rather work an extra job or go to our Cabin on the weekends. We even went to Europe without him & not once did he call & didn't even bother coming to pick us up from the airport when we returned. He would call me stupid, an idiot, useless & many other things which broke me down. The girls would find me in the Bathroom a few times crying & would say, its ok, Mommy. I never wanted to do anything to make them upset so I tolerated the absence & the verbal abuse until I could no longer do it anymore & made the decision before I went on a Summer trip with the girls. I did ask him to go also but he said why would he want to do this?.....Uh, perhaps to spend time with us, Dah!!
That is where it starts. On that trip, I met up with some friends. One of them a friend that I knew for over 20 years. The girls had met him once & they were very comfortable around him. He took a whole week off to show us the sites & it was a turning point for me in our relationship. I swear to God that up until then it was strictly platonic. I even went to his wedding & he to mine. He is Divorced now. I think seeing him interracting with the girls & how they liked it, made me have other feelings for him. I was so starved for affection as my Ex never showed any. With my Ex, it was on his own terms too.
The attraction became too much for me & I kissed him.
I returned from my trip & told my Husband that I wanted a Separation. He was shocked at first but then came to terms with it. He then took the girls to the Cabin to give me some room & hopefully change my mind. I thought about my friend that I just visited & had to see him again to see where that was going. I flew over to see him as he lives in the next State & it was wonderful. Its funny, I say that we were 2 puzzle pieces that found our perfect match.
My Ex found out about him a few weeks later & told me that he was willing to brush this little affair under the rug if I came back to him. I was done, so there was no question about it.
This is where my Ex did what I think he knew would destroy me. He refuse to move out of the house & stayed there till he bought another home close by which was about 6months. I think in retrospect, I should of put my relationship with my new Boyfriend on hold but I didn't & I can't change anything. What my ex did was share everything with the girls when he was with them alone. I only saw my Boyfriend once a month & I would usually fly there for the weekend as the girls would be with their Dad. During that time he would tell them that I left them for that "Dickhead". Telling them in detail how 'his friend' seduced me & lured me away from him. So much he would tell them that is not child appropriate. He sent abusive texts also. One in particular that said, "you lying whore. Here is your daughter" & then she wrote on the same text after his message. I should of done more about it but was too weak & didn't want to look like the Bitch. I never wanted to hurt anyone & still don't.
It's now been almost 2years when this all started & he has a new girlfriend that my girls really like. He is now playing the happy family part with her & them. I, of course, can't help but feel jealous at times as the girls HATE my boyfriend. They want nothing to do with him because he is the reason & he took me away from them. I don't understand this as I am always with them. I do everything with them & it tears me up that if my Boyfriend was ever here on days that they are with me, they wouldn't be around me. The hatred that my older daughter feels is worrisome & I feel I am losing her. The younger one was my right arm. She never left my side. Now that is slowly diminishing & some days when they are with their Dad, they don't call me at all.
My Boyfriend & I have discussed the future & he wants to marry me & move here but we are still trying to work this out with the girls. I need them to come around somehow. I have taken them to councelling but it isn't working as my Ex is very controlling & they love this time with their Dad because before he was so absent.
What I am afraid of is that if I move forward in my Happiness I will lose them. I have already discussed with them that he will be moving here. Not in the house as of yet but eventually. We want to totally renovate the house so it is ours & they want it done too but have told me that they will go to their Dads if he ever comes here. I have never forced them to be with me & my Boyfriend as I was told to wait at least a year. I was ok with that but it was my Ex that had to involve them.
He knew that the one thing for him to do to get me back for leaving him was to take my girls away from me. He even told me a few years ago when we were arguing about him not giving me anything. His answer was that he gave me the cause that is what I wanted. Didn't he?
I love my girls so much & I would die for them but I know to be a great Mother, you have to be happy too. I have found happiness but the kids have made that impossible for me to have. I am so afraid to losing them completely.
If there is someone out there that can relate or give some sort of advise, I will take anything.