Parenting after Separation & Problems

Monica - posted on 03/25/2012 ( 13 moms have responded )




This is the 1st time ever writing about my situation & I just thought someone out there has had experience here & lead me in the right direction.

I am 42 years old & have 2 beautiful girls aged 11 & 13. Their Father & I separated in August 2010 after a long struggle with me coming to terms that we would be better off apart.

We were married for 14 1/2 years & during that time especially after the kids came, he never spent time with us. He would rather work an extra job or go to our Cabin on the weekends. We even went to Europe without him & not once did he call & didn't even bother coming to pick us up from the airport when we returned. He would call me stupid, an idiot, useless & many other things which broke me down. The girls would find me in the Bathroom a few times crying & would say, its ok, Mommy. I never wanted to do anything to make them upset so I tolerated the absence & the verbal abuse until I could no longer do it anymore & made the decision before I went on a Summer trip with the girls. I did ask him to go also but he said why would he want to do this?.....Uh, perhaps to spend time with us, Dah!!

That is where it starts. On that trip, I met up with some friends. One of them a friend that I knew for over 20 years. The girls had met him once & they were very comfortable around him. He took a whole week off to show us the sites & it was a turning point for me in our relationship. I swear to God that up until then it was strictly platonic. I even went to his wedding & he to mine. He is Divorced now. I think seeing him interracting with the girls & how they liked it, made me have other feelings for him. I was so starved for affection as my Ex never showed any. With my Ex, it was on his own terms too.

The attraction became too much for me & I kissed him.

I returned from my trip & told my Husband that I wanted a Separation. He was shocked at first but then came to terms with it. He then took the girls to the Cabin to give me some room & hopefully change my mind. I thought about my friend that I just visited & had to see him again to see where that was going. I flew over to see him as he lives in the next State & it was wonderful. Its funny, I say that we were 2 puzzle pieces that found our perfect match.

My Ex found out about him a few weeks later & told me that he was willing to brush this little affair under the rug if I came back to him. I was done, so there was no question about it.

This is where my Ex did what I think he knew would destroy me. He refuse to move out of the house & stayed there till he bought another home close by which was about 6months. I think in retrospect, I should of put my relationship with my new Boyfriend on hold but I didn't & I can't change anything. What my ex did was share everything with the girls when he was with them alone. I only saw my Boyfriend once a month & I would usually fly there for the weekend as the girls would be with their Dad. During that time he would tell them that I left them for that "Dickhead". Telling them in detail how 'his friend' seduced me & lured me away from him. So much he would tell them that is not child appropriate. He sent abusive texts also. One in particular that said, "you lying whore. Here is your daughter" & then she wrote on the same text after his message. I should of done more about it but was too weak & didn't want to look like the Bitch. I never wanted to hurt anyone & still don't.

It's now been almost 2years when this all started & he has a new girlfriend that my girls really like. He is now playing the happy family part with her & them. I, of course, can't help but feel jealous at times as the girls HATE my boyfriend. They want nothing to do with him because he is the reason & he took me away from them. I don't understand this as I am always with them. I do everything with them & it tears me up that if my Boyfriend was ever here on days that they are with me, they wouldn't be around me. The hatred that my older daughter feels is worrisome & I feel I am losing her. The younger one was my right arm. She never left my side. Now that is slowly diminishing & some days when they are with their Dad, they don't call me at all.

My Boyfriend & I have discussed the future & he wants to marry me & move here but we are still trying to work this out with the girls. I need them to come around somehow. I have taken them to councelling but it isn't working as my Ex is very controlling & they love this time with their Dad because before he was so absent.

What I am afraid of is that if I move forward in my Happiness I will lose them. I have already discussed with them that he will be moving here. Not in the house as of yet but eventually. We want to totally renovate the house so it is ours & they want it done too but have told me that they will go to their Dads if he ever comes here. I have never forced them to be with me & my Boyfriend as I was told to wait at least a year. I was ok with that but it was my Ex that had to involve them.

He knew that the one thing for him to do to get me back for leaving him was to take my girls away from me. He even told me a few years ago when we were arguing about him not giving me anything. His answer was that he gave me the cause that is what I wanted. Didn't he?

I love my girls so much & I would die for them but I know to be a great Mother, you have to be happy too. I have found happiness but the kids have made that impossible for me to have. I am so afraid to losing them completely.

If there is someone out there that can relate or give some sort of advise, I will take anything.

Thank you.


Lynn - posted on 10/06/2012




I think you should get your girls into counseling, if they aren't already. Who cares if they don't want to go, you're the mom so make them. And while you're at it get yourself into therapy too. He mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused you for 14+ years - do you think they didn't know it, see it or feel it? He is manipulating them, confusing them, and playing a game of psychological warfare and the only casualties of his war games are 11 & 13. Forget what it's doing to you for a minute and think about what it's doing to them.

You made mistakes, to be certai, in your marriage and in ending your marriage. Your ex is fighting you for the two people you cherish most, and sadly it doesn't sound as if it's because he even wants them. You say you don't ever want to do anything that might hurt your girls but doing nothing and breaking it off with your bf because of their dad is possibly the most hurtful thing you could do to them. So give him a fight! Stand up for yourself, stand up for your girls, and let a therapist help you strengthen your back bone and figure out how to stop the manipulation he's got going on by correctly undoing all he's done wrong. Your therapist will be an ally for you in court. Save your text messages between yourself and your ex, don't name call him, don't respond to threats, and don't let him get to you.

User - posted on 03/26/2012




OMG!!!! I honestly thought I was reading my own experience when I read your post. WOW!!!! Im 40, 2 daughters 10 & 16. Rough 17 year marriage with a man that was abusive, verbally, emotionally and sometime physically. Took my girls back home 900 miles from our house to visit family. Met up with my now fiance who we knew eachother when we were 12-15. My ex is horrible trying to brainwash the girls by saying terrible things about my fiance and how we met and that we were still married when i met him. Im getting ready when school ends to move 700 miles to live a better life, one that my girls and I deserve. My 16 year old just that 16! she refuses to go, her father has given her the option to stay with him thinking I would change my mind and stay for her. I have been told by many friends, therapists and doctors that she is 16 and old enough to make that decision. My ex is freaking out!!!! he wants nothing to do with raising a 16 year old girl and has admitted that to me. He has even tried to pay me off to stay and raise the girls close to him so he doesnt have to. My 10 year old loves my fiance, he is caring, compassionate, respectful and cares about our happiness. Something my ex never did. For some reason my 10 year old can see it but not my 16 year old. Yes you are a mom but you are also YOU. As moms we know how to multitask. Dont put your happiness on hold, you can do both. Go with your heart knowing that your kids will always be there, thats a given. But love and happiness for YOU is also very important. Good luck


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Jen - posted on 03/24/2014




What is going on NOW? I can relate to you, as some of your story is similar to my life now. My kids are 15 & 17. Just wondering what has developed for you during the past year. Are you divorced yet? Have you gone for therapy? Are your kids in therapy? (I think my kids need it, but my ex doesn't agree.)

Peace, Jen

Lynn - posted on 10/06/2012




Oh and get divorced already. I don't know what state you're in or how your state works their custody laws, but this is what you 100% SHOULD DO: hire an attorney, discuss your case, discuss your concerns, discuss what the therapist has said/does saw/will say, and go to court. Ask for a civility clause in your divorce papers.

Above all else get into therapy. You have emotional wounds from this marriage and from ending it, your girls do too. Your ex is toxic right now. I can see how worked up, scared, and upset you are in your post so just imagine how your girls feel.

They're angry, they need someone to place blame on and your bf is a good choice for that. He has turned them away from someone they previously liked, so lets say you break up with this guy and find someone new? It'll no longer be that dickhead's fault it'll be yours. You'll be their slut/whore mom who isn't with them this weekend because she's out slutting around and the new guy won't be anymore liked than the last. As hungry as you were for male attention they're hungry for it too. They want it from their dad and by feeling how he wanted them to feel they finally got it.

Becca - posted on 03/28/2012




I think youre doing the right thing by leaving him and getting a divorce. Abuse is abuse no matter

what form it is.

Youre daughters is old enough to see and understand what is going on. They will one day realize

what their father has done to you and is doing to them now. All you can do is be there for them when

they need you.

You have a right to be happy. To do the things you want to do. Your soon to be ex is still controlling

your life. Only you have the power to put a stop to him controlling you. Of course he was willing

to brush it under the rug. He would then still have contol of you.

I think your girls hate your boyfriend because that is what their father wants. If there dad had full

custody and was responsible for them full time for every thing, would he take care of them? Provide all

the things they need on a daily basis? I think you need to talk to your girls together and one on one

and let them know that no matter what happens with their dad, that you will always love them and that

no one what you choose to make a life with will change that. Let them know that you will always be there

for them. Let them know that they are an important part of your life and ask them if they think you

deserve to be happy with some one else like their father is happy with his new girlfriend.

I would have them spend time with you and your boyfriend. So what if they dont want to. Dont you think

its past time they get to know him?

Do you have a parenting plan? Court ordered visitation? Child support?

I know you want what is best for your girls, but if youre not happy with yourself how can you make them

happy. Sounds to me like they are leaning to be controlling like their father. Dictating that you do

no have a boy friend because they dont like him. Teach them that its ok to not like every one and that

every one isnt going to like them. But, they dont have to like some one for you to love the person. That

you have every right as the adult to love whoever makes you happy and that you dont need their or your exs

approval to love and marry some one. Teach them that trust and respect in important in a relationship, even

a mother daughter one. The choice is yours to make, not your daughters and most certainly not your exs.

You have to do what you feel is right for you.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

Rene - posted on 03/27/2012




I think that your kids are very secure with your love but not of their dads. I think that they like his girlfriend because they are afraid of losing him now that they have his attention. As lonely as you felt in your marriage, I'm sure the kids felt alone too. I would even think that they don't like your boyfriend because they know that's is what their dad wants. They know that you love them no matter what, it doesn't seem like they got that from their dad.

As for what to about the situation I really don't know. I feel for you and understand your need for companionship, I'm a widow and I know how lonely it can be. Good luck. I hope things work out for you and girls.

Monica - posted on 03/25/2012




Thank you & you do know what you are talking about. I appreciate your imput, really.

I do think that I need a companion. Someone that I can talk to all the time & share everything with. I spent so much of my married life alone that I feel like I have done it alone already.

Eventhough he was around once in a while, we were already separated. I feel that the last 2 years of marriage was my grieving time where I lost any feelings for him & knew that I was no longer married. I warned him but he didn't listen till it was all severed.

He & the girls are going through that now.

[deleted account]

That makes sense. I certainly didn't mean you should look for someone else.

My only concern is your line 'I need to have someone in my life.' because that is what I'm talking about in finding happiness by yourself that is not tied up w/ this (or any other) man. You went from an abusive relationship right into a different relationship and I'm only trying to suggest taking some time in NO relationship for a bit.

I do get what you're saying about only seeing him once a month though.

OK... so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. I actually have very little relationship experience.... since I come from one disastrous marriage and have been single since the day my 4 year old son (third child) was born. Good luck!!!

Monica - posted on 03/25/2012




Thanks, all opinions are accepted. Yes this is also another thought & my BF has told me verbally & written that he loves me enough to let me go if that is what I want.

The only thing that is helping in this situation is that we live so far apart & that we only see one another once a month where he may fly here or I there. These trips only fall on weekends that the kids are with their Dad. There has never been a time where he has been here at the same time. We have accomodated them. I just think ending the relationship gives them control & I even tried 'breaking up', they saw me as a liar cause their Dad told them it never happened & that I was only trying to trick them.

He has scared them into thinking that he is a bad person & even went so far to say that he beats kids up & your Mom is too blinded by her emotions to see it. The kids have told me that I could find anyone I wanted to just like Dad. Not that easy. I have known this man for many many years. Know his friends & family. This is the kind of man that is good from the inside out, why would I look for someone in hopes that they would fit the bill.

I am always alone with them. I take care of a big house & yard, work & Volunteer with Girl Scouts & School and host Exchange students. I need to have someone in my life. I don't think it will make any difference if he is in my life now or in about 7 years.

My kids need to see that there is nothing to be scared of with this man & the only way to do this is to have them see him once in awhile. That will only happen if he moves closer. I am not moving him into my home. Not till they are ok with this & that may not happen till they are adults so yes then that is how I will have to wait.But with him closer.

[deleted account]

My opinion probably won't be a popular one, but.... they are 11 and 13. How many more years do you really have left w/ them in the house? I think your relationship w/ your boyfriend should be put on hold... NOT over, but kind of on pause. Yes, I'm aware that it is your ex talking to them that has made them hate him, but which is more important to you... your relationship w/ him or your relationship w/ them? If he really loves you and wants to marry you then he should be willing to wait until your relationship w/ your girls is back where it should be.

I know you found this guy and he's so much different from your ex and that is making you happy, but... you need to be able to find happiness w/ YOU alone cuz relationships don't always last for one reason or another (death, people change, whatever), but your kids are your kids forever. Find happiness on your own and also w/ your girls and THEN slowly, slowly start reintroducing this man to them. Worst comes to worst... the little one will be 18 in 7 years and then you can have this man in your life as much as you want. ;)

Monica - posted on 03/25/2012




Thank you for responding. I have sat down with the girls & told them just that but they have told me directly that they will never accept him. They love his new girlfriend who is 13 years his junior & spend all their time with her. I think that he found someone that was just like me who takes care of everyone (him & the girls).

No, I am not Divorced yet but am in the process to do so. We already dealt with the Custody issue & I wish I was stronger & took him to court cause I think a lot more would of happened. The only time I think this will go to court is if the girls want to live with him which I don't think he will do because he doesn't want to spend the money. He told his GF that getting a Divorce is not important cause its just a paper. I think he is scared to do it cause he knows he will feel pressured to get remarried.

I know I have been told to just go for it & bring my BF in the picture periodically & deal with the reprocussions even if it means that I lose them for a long time. Hopefully.

Katherine - posted on 03/25/2012




I don't think it's the kids that made it's their father. He is still sabotaging your life. You need to sit down with your girls and explain WHY you have separated and that it's the best thing. Then slowly introduce your new BF.

I have been separated for a year now but my girls are 6 and 3. Doesn't matter they still wonder why mommy and daddy don't live together. I have talked to both of them. I only see my BF on the weekends and have taken them around him once or twice. They seem to like him.

Your ex sounds like a control freak and he is ruining those girls. Have you officially divorced? If not I would do so right away so the court can get involved and you can get an order that doesn't allow him to speak ill of you to the girls.

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