Parenting - devious/lying 12 yr old girl

Tracy - posted on 12/06/2015 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Any advice pls???

My 12 yr old daughter with avoid the truth to such simple things, on the rare occasion she's told the truth we've talked how much better things are when she's not lying. She also takes treats/biscuits/crisis from the cupboard and hides wrappers in her room, last week I found over 50 wrappers that she's taken without asking. Yesterday she took her brother & sisters chocolates for their advent calendars, they are 6 & 8. I'm at the end of my tether with her. I've tried talking to her, shouting at her, pleading with her. Any advice ???

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Jodi - posted on 12/07/2015

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"I should be able to keep food in my kitchen without putting it under lock and key."

Well, yes, you SHOULD, but clearly you CAN'T, so rather than complaining that you had no suggestions, just acknowledge you don't LIKE the suggestions you received.

I also DID give you suggestions - find out WHY. At no time have you addressed this particular question, and yet I have made this point at least twice (three times now). Why are you ignoring this particular suggestion?

Ev - posted on 12/06/2015

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You should never relax rules in the home. That only allows the kids to run over you and get what they want. Rules are enforced for a reason to raise kids in the way they should be when they grow up to know right and wrong, values, how to treat others about respect, honesty, trust, and other ethical things. So, when you relax rules, you relax discipline. That is not consistent with what kids need.

Jodi - posted on 12/06/2015

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So stop relaxing about it. It also sounds like what you do is inconsistent (trying new things all the time). Choose a consequence and stick with it for a while.

Also, I'd be taking the treats away from her altogether. She doesn't need them, and clearly she has a problem with them, so why given any to her at all? Kids don't NEED free access to treats, so even your younger two shouldn't be able to just help themselves. If she can go a week WITHOUT stealing something, then she can have a treat.

However, I am concerned that sneaking to get treats indicates another underlying issue. As per my last post, do you know WHY she is taking these things? Is it because she is addicted to sugar? Is it because she is binge eating? Is she binge eating because she is depressed? All very valid questions. You really need to understand the reasoning behind the behaviour as well. A visit to a counsellor may help you get to this.

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Dove - posted on 12/06/2015

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Keep the rules and consequences at all times. Typically stealing food and habitual lying are indicators of deeper issues (unless the kid is just spoiled and used to getting their way all the time). If you have tried talking to her to find out WHY she is behaving this way and have gotten no answers... it's time to seek some counseling to get to the bottom of the behaviors. Yes, having firm and consistent boundaries and consequences CAN stop negative behaviors... but getting to the root of them to help her learn self discipline is critical for the long term results.

Tracy - posted on 12/06/2015

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I wait for weeks before relaxing the rules. My younger kids don't have free access to anything. I should be able to keep food in my kitchen without putting it under lock and key. My children don't have treats every day. I just wanted a few suggestions if anyone had been in the same situation.

Ev - posted on 12/06/2015

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Apparently, none of that works. You need to keep on doing the giving her a set amount of stuff for the week, lock the others treats up and give it to them when they want it. I do not see where a phone has anything to do with her stealing their treats anyhow.

Tracy - posted on 12/06/2015

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I've tried grounding her or taking her mobile from her, she then sneaks her sister ms iPod from her room. It's hard to hide everything from with 2 others who are good. I'm out of ideas

Tracy - posted on 12/06/2015

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Hi, I've locked all the treats up and not given her any money but as soon as I let things relax a little she's back at it again. I've tried today giving her a plastic box with what I think is one weeks worth of treats and said that's all she's having until next Sunday and she can eat it when she likes. I'm locking everything else up.

Jodi - posted on 12/06/2015

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Have you tried consequences? Shouting at her, talking to her and pleading with her are not consequences for her actions. Maybe she needs to replace the things she took? From her own money, and if she has none, she needs to do some chores to earn the money to replace the treats. And either stop buying the things she is taking, or lock them up - a lock on the cupboard would do. Also, do you know WHY she is taking these things? Just some thoughts......but always implement consistent consequences to actions.

Ev - posted on 12/06/2015

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What other consequences have you used for this? It does not sound like talking, pleading and shouting are not working for her. Have you taken things and locked them up?

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