partner above kids???

Sarah - posted on 05/24/2009 ( 228 moms have responded )

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there is a woman called Ayelet Waldman who has said that she loves her partner more than her kids. she says she can imagine a future without her kids but can't imagine a future without her husband.

i personally cannot get my head around that! i love my kids more than anyone or anything! does anyone else have an opinion on this??

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Veronica - posted on 05/25/2009

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Ok, I took a bit of time to read the article - First of all, from reading everyones posts, i feel a lot of hurt, and bitterness. Why? Look at our society today -- look at our men - so many that i know are married, with kids - but sit at the strip joint/bar - or are sleeping with who knows how many women - then because of their guilt - they start accusing you of stuff, cut you down, basically bring you down to their level of feeling like crap. That's the first problem. The second problem is control - you better be back at this time, dont spend MY money, slave away at home, slave away with the kids -- and then when they've demeaned you enough, they turn around and sex you up to make you 'feel" like he loves you, who cares how he treats you. Then he's back on the prowl -- puts either his pals and buddies before you (cause they do the same thing) or is suckin on mama and dada's hind tittie -- and cuts you down to them. Then finally he leaves ya. --- That's just an excerpt of a lot of people's lives that i know of -- (i know this isnt the same for everyone) -- A lot of men do not stand up for their family, treat their wives equally or with respect, and dont really care about their kids, or put their kids above their wife (meaning they get the kids what they need, do whatever for the kids, and not the wife - treat the wife like the kid too) So anyways, I think this has a lot to do with not understanding the woman in the article. I don't like either how she tries to imagine life without her kids -- I mean heck - sure i wouldnt have diapers to change, i wouldnt have screaming and cryin in my ears, i wouldnt have That particular responsibility to care for anyone else but myself - i could do what i wanted when i wanted --- but then i would be empty - Marriage isnt what it used to be (whatever that was) people come and go so easily -- and women, its not just the men who leave - their are women out there who dont care either (i have a family member that went through it) I couldnt imagine my life without either my husband or my kids -- but what i can say is that ive already greived my husband - he was misdiagnosed with emphazema (dumba** dr.) and we had our first two babes then, and I bawled sooo much - i didnt know what i would do without him. But then my daughter ran out the house, while i was cleaning, found her two blocks from the highway (well cars were only driving 30 mi. an hour - still fast enough!) and bawled my eyes out about that too- so for me i wouldnt be able to live without both -- i think id go insane!! lol WOW this is such a controversial topic -- but a great one to really think about your priorities, isnt it?! Ok, so I still put God, hubby and me, and then our kids as far as our souls -- of course my kids are fed and changed, and cared for immediately before my husband -- (hes a big boy! lol) if we have to starve in order for our kids to eat - we will - if have to die to let our kids live - we would -- ok, so im not saying that i dont love or care for them any less or more -- its basically equal.. OH - ok my main point ive been trying to get to and it keeps slipping my mind, and im just excessivly blabbing on here... I think what it really really comes down to is this -- like some women have said on here already -- our love for our children and our husbands does have a major difference-- we are 'in love' with both - meaning we like, love, and accept both -- but our children ARE our flesh and blood - we went through excruciating pain to bring them into this world! We felt them grow in our bellies, felt them swirl, flutter, kick, turn, punch, adjust, fricken hiccup!! Then we had them and had them by our side for at least the first year completly attached -- so yes, we love them we cared and nurtured them, and continue to do so, and will forever and ever. For me on the other hand is this - I LOVE my husband in a different way -- we enjoy each others company, we can laugh together, be intimate together, learn new things everyday, fight (when its healthy anyways! lol) i love his looks, i love his smile, i love his laugh, he has gorgeous blue eyes, the way he is with me - kissing - touching -- ok moving on - the point here is this -- i love how we are together, i love making up with him when we've fought and then finally resolved an issue, or made a change, etc. And my biggest question i had for myself was (and always is) - is what if my husband were to leave or pass on - is there any other man out in the world that would be remotely the same way??? Would i find a man as devoted to me and my children, whom i could trust, like my husband?? I think that is kind of what this woman's point is in a sense - or at least i feel that way. Sure i know there are "plenty" of fish in the sea - Im sure i could find another man that would be good and great with the kids -- but there will never be another like my husband - and that is what i wouldnt be able to live without -- that would be the problem for me. But the same goes for my children too -- there will never be another Cephira, Isaiah, Jeb, Lilyiah, Azeriah -- sure i could have more kids -- but it wouldnt be the same. Whew! that was a lot of yappin - My mind is just racing with all kinds of things! I think it is our responsibility as a parent to make sure we raise our children to the best of each of our ability, point them in the right direction, take care of and nurture them like we do and are supposed to. And then one day we have to let them "fly" and just pray for the Lord to show them the way, and to protect them where we cannot. As far as our husbands - if he's a real fricken man - should be there til we grow old together, and he still needs to be taken care of too - it can't just be about the kids and the kids only -- and you yourself needs attention from him too - i know i feel miserable when my husband and i dont even 'touch' -- if he doesnt kiss me or hug or whatever, i feel miserable - when he does, my day is set... can't help it - its like a 'checking in babe, i love you, you're important too' type of thing. So whoa, i better shut up, i am probably putting all you mom's to sleep by now! I dont think anything is wrong with the woman, except i dont think she should sit there and dwell on what would happen if -- its not so cool -- its like she is comparing her love -- but kinda weird like.. but you know - at least she is honest - Thank you all and have a good night!! (need to get the hell off of this topic!!)

Groovy Girl - posted on 02/09/2012

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K.V,

When i was 2, my mom got divorced and married my stepdad. He raised me from 2. When i got into trouble as a teen and preteen, he always treated me as both of their child to contend with, not just hers. Biological or not, a girl in her teens are some tough years. My mother was never expected to make a choice between her "troubled teen" and my stepdad. It was ALWAYS " their troubled teen". I can't even imagine what it would have been like for myself or my mom if my stepdad had of treated me any less than his troubled teen too. At 14, he had already raised me since i was 2( and i was not always fun to be around) but that is parenthood. Their marriage would not have lasted if he had went into it with her not recognizing that i was his responsibility in good times AND bad. We all got through and i love him more than anything, and can't imagine what my life would have been like if he had told my mom that she needed deal with me on her own and that he couldn't handle me. Or even to make a choice between me or him. My mom and dad(step-dad) have been married for 40yrs. Just saying.

Stephanie - posted on 05/28/2009

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There's a lot of interesting comments and views on this. I have to give my 2 cents... God first, spouse, and then children, but let me clarify my thoughts. I'm married for the second time with 3 children from my first marriage and expecting our first with my DH who is deffinietly the love of my life, after God. I put my kids first in my first marriage, and maybe so did my ex, and we neglected each other. In the bible it says that husbands should love their wives and wives should respect their husbands, that is the kind of attention we need. Now, a bit older and wiser, my DH and I put our relationship above the kids. Not their needs, we ALWAYS take care of their needs, but if we don't take care of each other, we can't be a united front to take care of the kids. I hope that makes sense to people. We are a unit, two halves of a whole that when we take care of each other can better take care of the gifts from God, the children, who are only on loan to us to raise, teach, and care for until we can let them make their own way in this world. And when they are gone, who is left? The two of us and God. I'm not saying I'd leave the kids in the lifeboat alone and stay on the sinking Titanic with my husband, but I know he would insist that I take that spot alongside the children to carry on the care of the children God has blessed us with.

Leeannne - posted on 05/28/2009

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Quoting Catherine:

You're on the Titanic. It's sinking fast. They call out for women and children to fill the lifeboat. What are you going to do?
Option 1: "screw the children, they can go down with the ship, I need my man"
Option 2: "take the children, I'm staying, can't live without my husband" leaving the kids orphaned
Option 3: Say goodbye, and get on the lifeboat with your children

Seriously, I'm ditching my man and getting my kids out of there!


 



 



 



Im with you! :)



 

Sarah - posted on 05/25/2009

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Quoting Amanda:



Quoting Lydia:

Its interesting that a number of people refer to a husband being with you forever and children leaving but I dont consider myself to be raising a child to grow up and leave me. She may move out (hopefully at some point in the future) and she will definately have her own life - but I would still hope that we will still be a significant part of each others lives even once she has flown the coop... The arguement doesnt make sense to me.





Your husband is not with you forever. remember people it is until DEATH DO US PART.






get it, you are with your spouse until one of you dies. it is in the bible. the only book that believes in eternal marige is the book of mormon. are all you husband first women mormon now?






your child is your flesh and blood. hey heres another saying. BLOOD IS THICKER THEN WATER.






the husband is second and the child first.






in a life or death my husband would hate me if I chose him over our 2 kids and i would dispise him if he did the same.






ANY WOMAN WHO CHOOSES THE HUSBAND FIRST IN A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION IS CRAZY AND DOSENT DESERVE HER KIDS.






thats my opinion and I am entitled to it so any one who is thinking of bitching to me about how I am judgemental blah blah blah just keep your lips closed and save your words for someone who gives a damn!





i don't get it, you say i should delete the thread coz it will turn bitchy, and then you post this??? weird! :)

This conversation has been closed to further comments

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Kerry - posted on 02/12/2012

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Children to me should be the most important above anyone, they depend on you, need your love, support and caring a partner wants but doesn't need he has a mother and father,I would do anything for them and my partner knows and agrees that the children come first, I cannot believe that someone would put a person ahead of their own flesh and blood... and the love of flesh n blood is unconditional, a man comes n goes...

K.V. - posted on 02/08/2012

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You raise your kids to leave. You enter into a relationship with, at least the hope, that you'll stay together.



I dislike my partner's daughter to the point of distraction. She has a limited relationship with her bio father, as he decided that he wanted to stay married more than he wanted to be a witness to his daughter disrespect his new wife, steal, lie, do as little as possible around the house, and generally, say whatever the freak she wants, and expect everyone else to bend to her whims. So now, she does that at our house, full time.



My partner and I have a relationship that teeters on the brink of disaster because of this kid. My partner says she feels in the middle and she must always choose her kid above me - I get that. It makes sense; the whole "blood of my blood, flesh of my flesh", thing. But, it would be different if she cared for me for me more than she cares for her child. That WOULD be odd to me. However, allowing her child to run all over me, and whomever else - that's a problem.



Her kid is 14, and we've been together since she was 2. Her daughter and I used to have a good relationship. I took care of her, did all I could to watch out for, and help provide for her happiness and well-being. But for the last two years I've lived in a house where I have to tip-toe around the tumultuous moods of a child, or else, it has been made more than clear to me that, my partner and I will be be dividing property, because her daughter's "happiness" is paramount.



The worst part is that I do it. I know that one day the daughter will be an adult, and out in the world. I just wonder if the resentment that builds up over that time, will leave my partner and I with anything. Or, will it rip every morsel of respect, affection, trust, that we ever had for one another, into a million pieces, indistinguishable from the dust that builds on one's furniture, and of even less value.



Either way, my partner will still have her daughter, who will then have a life of her own. I don't know what will happen. But if it's the above, I hope that's enough for, both my partner, and her daughter.



So, after the side-stepping rant - I totally get not putting your kid (s) ABOVE your partner, husband, wife. As the relationship you entered into is a commitment, too, and will not just sit idle while you neglect it, devalue it, and disregard it, irrespective of how noble the reasons.



I hear people say, "if that's how you feel, you shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with someone who has kids." , which is interesting, as one of the primary reasons for divorce, are children - even if the kids belong to both people.



Bottom line, there are strong, solid relationships enjoyed by people with kids; bio kids, step kids, adopted kids - and there are strained, tenuous, relationships held by people with all of the above. The answer doesn't lay in who should be involved with who, or, in who one becomes after the kids come. The answer, I believe, seems to lay in the ability to keep the UNIT strong, instead of choosing any individual.



Or, you can just have kids.

User - posted on 05/31/2009

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It is very important to show your children how to have healthy relationships! I think (this is my opinion only) that sometimes we get so wrapped up in our children that we loose sight of our husbands. It is hard to balance it all! Work, family, husbands (yes they have their category), school for some, church and everything else that we do! I don't think if we put our husbands first that we love our children any less. I think it shows our children how much we love them!

Sarah - posted on 05/31/2009

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Quoting Kim:

I truly wonder if maybe she is stating it in just a bad way. I'm sure she loves her children like mad. However, my husband and I have times that we talk about what it was like before we had kids. We talk about what we miss and what we look forward to once they've moved out, but that doesn't mean I love them less than my husband. It just means that I'm with them all the time... as I should be, and I want to be... but I miss my husband. I don't get to spend time with him like I use to.

We make it very clear to our children that we chose to have them, and that we happily altered our lives just so we could be blessed with their presence in our lives. I do think, though, that it is very important to kids to know that their parents love each other and want to spend time with each other. It provides a sense of security for them.

I guess I'm just saying that I love my children so much that I'm determined to keep my marriage happy and strong for their sake. We can't forget our spouse just because we fall in love with our children.


i've started to wonder too if she's just written down in the wrong way. as a novelist tho you'd think she would be able to phrase things better! haha! from all the comments on here, i think we all see how important it is to make our marriages work for the sake of our whole family, including the kids.



i think maybe after all these comments i've realised that what she said is kinda true, just not the way she's put it. many other people have written it in a far more unstandable way!!



i agree with your comments Kim!! :)

Kim - posted on 05/30/2009

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Quoting Sally:



Quoting Angela :

Wow!! I was in the hospital, when the man I was dating at that time told me that he had had enough of my kids and told me basically that he wanted to spend only times with me...I told him where the door was at~with my foot!





Good for you! I wish there were more smart level headed women out there like you , my  sister in law's bf told her that, and she did not hesitate to drop her kids off with the nearest relative and leave with him.. coming from the same type of situation as a child myself , I would like to thank you for being a good mommy!






I'm so sorry that happened.  That is an extreme of what is being asked in this conversation.  I believe that making sure my marriage is solid is very important for the health of my children, but you were looking at a situation where the kids could be harmed by you remaining with him.  There is a difference.  Making sure my relationship with my husband is strong does not equal abandoning my children.  I do it partly because I obviously love my husband and want to spend time with him, but I also do it because I know it provides a safe and secure home for my children.  It also trains my children how to have a healthy relationship when they grow up.  I always tell my girls that if they ever date someone who doesn't treat them as nice as their dad treats me, the boy isn't worth the trouble.

User - posted on 05/30/2009

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At one time I did not but my husband before my children and it really hurt our marriage. Now I do put my husband first. Does my children suffer NO! They see their parents in love with each other. I have noticed a change in my children since I put their daddy first. I can't see my life without either my husband or my children. They are both my life and both very important! I don't love one more than the other!

Kim - posted on 05/30/2009

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I'm really troubled by the statements about divorce and such. I took my vows quite seriously, and I think it is important to children to know that we are serious about making our relationship work. I also believe that it teaches our children great things about what kind of relationship they want to be in when they grow up. To be flipant about your relationship with your spouse is very unsettling, and if your children become aware of that, then they lose a sense of security.



Obviously, there are exceptions where divorce is necessary, but studies have shown that children who lose a parent through death fare better than those whose parents get divorced. I think it's extremely important that your relationship with your spouse remain strong for the sake of your children.



You can't really put one over the other... where feasible, your relationship with your spouse feeds into your relationship with your children and vice versa. If you let one fail for the sake of the other, you have failed both.

Kim - posted on 05/30/2009

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I truly wonder if maybe she is stating it in just a bad way. I'm sure she loves her children like mad. However, my husband and I have times that we talk about what it was like before we had kids. We talk about what we miss and what we look forward to once they've moved out, but that doesn't mean I love them less than my husband. It just means that I'm with them all the time... as I should be, and I want to be... but I miss my husband. I don't get to spend time with him like I use to.



We make it very clear to our children that we chose to have them, and that we happily altered our lives just so we could be blessed with their presence in our lives. I do think, though, that it is very important to kids to know that their parents love each other and want to spend time with each other. It provides a sense of security for them.



I guess I'm just saying that I love my children so much that I'm determined to keep my marriage happy and strong for their sake. We can't forget our spouse just because we fall in love with our children.

Kim - posted on 05/30/2009

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I truly wonder if maybe she is stating it in just a bad way. I'm sure she loves her children like mad. However, my husband and I have times that we talk about what it was like before we had kids. We talk about what we miss and what we look forward to once they've moved out, but that doesn't mean I love them less than my husband. It just means that I'm with them all the time... as I should be, and I want to be... but I miss my husband. I don't get to spend time with him like I use to.



We make it very clear to our children that we chose to have them, and that we happily altered our lives just so we could be blessed with their presence in our lives. I do think, though, that it is very important to kids to know that their parents love each other and want to spend time with each other. It provides a sense of security for them.



I guess I'm just saying that I love my children so much that I'm determined to keep my marriage happy and strong for their sake. We can't forget our spouse just because we fall in love with our children.

Aries - posted on 05/30/2009

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i believe your kids are first.. No matter what people tell you..And i dont no how you can say that your partner is above your daughter to me that is just wrong and selfish bc your kids need you more then your partner does.. even when they are older and moved out...

Savannah - posted on 05/30/2009

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Doesn't mean I love him less than i love them, though! It's just different.

Savannah - posted on 05/30/2009

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No way. Sorry. Everyone has to get used to the idea that we lose people, so I know that one day I may lose my husband or vice versa. But no parent should lose their children. I can imagine my life without my husband. He travels a lot and there is always that fear that he will never come home. I know that I could handle it. It would be AWEFUL and I would not get over it quickly but I could not fathom the loss of my children. My youngest son was very sick about a month ago and he almost died and it was the most horrifying thing ever. My husband is my partner, but as a mother, those children are a part of me. And by the way, my husband feels the same way.

Tonie - posted on 05/30/2009

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I guess what I really don't understand is why you would have to love one more than the other anyway? My relationship with my husband and my relationship with my children are two different things with their own sets of feelings and emotions and making a comparison is just unnecessary.

Michael - posted on 05/29/2009

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Ur kids, god willing, will outlive you, and yer partner. I believe that anyone that puts a partner first is wrong. If it is someone that came around after the kids...like a "stepdad" needs to realize that the kids are part of the whole If he/she doesnt want to take a backseat to a child...someone still learning, someone not nearly as smart or self sufficient as a adult looking to "hook up". People that put partners before kids really annoy me!

Jennifer - posted on 05/29/2009

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Seriously, you can divorce a partner and people have been known to have multiple relationships throughout their lives but you are your kids only mother, they are the only people on the planet that are your children. I love my husband but I would cut him loose in a heartbeat if I had to choose between him and my kids. You are always your kids mother even when they are 50 or more. End of story.

Amanda - posted on 05/29/2009

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Quoting Leigh-Anne:

God doesn't exist!



It's sad that you don't see the truth because God does exist.

Jodie - posted on 05/29/2009

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My thought on this is: Your children are yours FOREVER, they will ALWAYS be your children. Your partner may not always be there, you could split up.



Right now my husband is my #1 but he and I both agree that once our baby gets here there is nothing that will come before the baby. I'm not saying we will love each other less.

Jodie - posted on 05/29/2009

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My thought on this is: Your children are yours FOREVER, they will ALWAYS be your children. Your partner may not always be there, you could split up.



Right now my husband is my #1 but he and I both agree that once our baby gets here there is nothing that will come before the baby. I'm not saying we will love each other less.

Jessica - posted on 05/29/2009

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My belief is God 1st, Spouse 2nd, children 3rd, and so on. Does that mean I put his well being above theirs? Not at all. Both our priority is to make sure we have healthy, happy, loved children and we would do anything for them. I can't imagine a future without my husband, I can imagine a future where my children have grown and are not around all the time. As parents we will always put our children first but we have to remember that they are only ours to care for for a short time then they will have to go out be adults. Our spouses will always be there and if you lose that bond you might end up alone. Putting spouse above children does not mean neglect one for the other, it means you have a different bond with each and you have nurture each accordingly.

Sally - posted on 05/29/2009

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Quoting Angela :

Wow!! I was in the hospital, when the man I was dating at that time told me that he had had enough of my kids and told me basically that he wanted to spend only times with me...I told him where the door was at~with my foot!


Good for you! I wish there were more smart level headed women out there like you , my  sister in law's bf told her that, and she did not hesitate to drop her kids off with the nearest relative and leave with him.. coming from the same type of situation as a child myself , I would like to thank you for being a good mommy!

Sally - posted on 05/29/2009

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Quoting Angela :

Wow!! I was in the hospital, when the man I was dating at that time told me that he had had enough of my kids and told me basically that he wanted to spend only times with me...I told him where the door was at~with my foot!


Good for you! I wish there were more smart level headed women out there like you , my  sister in law's bf told her that, and she did not hesitate to drop her kids off with the nearest relative and leave with him.. coming from the same type of situation as a child myself , I would like to thank you for being a good mommy!

Veronica - posted on 05/29/2009

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Thank you for your input Lydia, and I believe that you are right when you say that about the "true religion" -- that could be a shame on me issue, considering Im Catholic -- but to me, I dont recall anyone in my bible anyways, saying what religion is the true one. I personally feel that its what your own relationship is with 'Your God'. I believe in the Lord, Jesus, Holy Spirit (or Holy Ghost if you prefer), all the Angels, Saints, and Mother Mary -- and I know the devil is there to beckon - That is what I believe in personally. So, thank you for sharing Lydia! I appreciate that!

[deleted account]

Quoting Veronica:

The only thing Im surprised at is how many women dont believe in God -- not trying to start anything here, so dont take it as a judgement or persecution -- Im only surprised that's all..... Can I ask the question, what is it that you do believe in?? Just curious, as Ive always believed, and never really met anyone who didnt -- dont attack me, just answer me, thats all i ask...



I follow a pagan spiritual belief system - I believe in God but I dont believe in just one God. Ibelieve in many gods and many goddesses. Thats not to say that mine is the right view its just the one that works for me. I dont take offence at other people questioning my beliefs unless they lecture me on the sale of my soul to the devil (whom I DONT believe in). I also believe that there are too many belief systems out there for anyone to claim that theirs is the only true one for everyone - but everyone works with the belief system that resonates with them. Its both a wonderfully personal and powerful thing faith :)

[deleted account]

Quoting Veronica:

The only thing Im surprised at is how many women dont believe in God -- not trying to start anything here, so dont take it as a judgement or persecution -- Im only surprised that's all..... Can I ask the question, what is it that you do believe in?? Just curious, as Ive always believed, and never really met anyone who didnt -- dont attack me, just answer me, thats all i ask...



I follow a pagan spiritual belief system - I believe in God but I dont believe in just one God. Ibelieve in many gods and many goddesses. Thats not to say that mine is the right view its just the one that works for me. I dont take offence at other people questioning my beliefs unless they lecture me on the sale of my soul to the devil (whom I DONT believe in). I also believe that there are too many belief systems out there for anyone to claim that theirs is the only true one for everyone - but everyone works with the belief system that resonates with them. Its both a wonderfully personal and powerful thing faith :)

Veronica - posted on 05/29/2009

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The only thing Im surprised at is how many women dont believe in God -- not trying to start anything here, so dont take it as a judgement or persecution -- Im only surprised that's all..... Can I ask the question, what is it that you do believe in?? Just curious, as Ive always believed, and never really met anyone who didnt -- dont attack me, just answer me, thats all i ask...

[deleted account]

Quoting Amanda:

I wonder if men were asked this what they would respond!



Hahaha...I can guess my fiances answer! Damn me his daughter is the apple of his eye while I am the bane of his life! Seriously - I think I could safely guess that we both put our daughter first because she is unable to take care of herself at the fragile age of 5 months. However we dont put her so far above each other that we neglect our owns needs. As long as she is safe and happy we make time to put each other in first place too. We are not 1 - we are 2 people who share most aspects of our lives but maintain our individuality. We do not put God - any God or Goddess -  before each other and our daughter and we dont put our daughter or each other in priority to the detriment of any other member of our family. I would take a guess that many women would say the same (of the very latter statement at least). But if you were to ask my other half he would definately bare his cheekiest grin and tell you that his daughter definately has him wrapped around her little fiery tempered finger :)

Tasha - posted on 05/29/2009

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I was once told before children that they are not yours you only borrow them and teach them to grow into independent good grown ups..I love my children more than my own life yet I love my husband just the same I chose him just as he chose me so in some sense maybe I love him more but maybe just love him difrently ..My kids are my sense of meaning the are why I am here but I can imagine a day when it is just my husband and I again does that mean I dont love my kids NO it means at some point I can imagine my life withpout diapers, gymnastics,And all the things they want to do and more along the lines of what we want to do..Although I feel this way I can wait the wait to watch them grow and enjoy them until I get to see what amazing kids we have raised..

Rachel - posted on 05/29/2009

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I think that's the key, Sarah... a healthy balance! I hope after over 190 answers you have a better idea of what will work best for you and your family! Good luck!

Sarah - posted on 05/29/2009

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thanks again for everyone's comments! i don't really want it to get onto whether God exists or not tho!! That's a topic i don't want to touch with a barge pole!! ha ha! I'm not religious, but each to their own and respect to those who are!!
i've asked my husband his thoughts on the matter, and he's pretty similar to my view (guess that's why we're together! ha ha!) which is kids come first, but our relationship is super important too! and as people have said once my kids fly the nest (nooooooo!!!) then it will be me and my husband left, tho i think my motherly instincts will still be as strong!! i think there's a spectrum to this debate, and i guess i lie somewhere in the middle. :)

Leigh-Anne - posted on 05/28/2009

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What sick people we have here! I love both my husband and son equally but if I had to choose it would be my baby. Its instinct.

Leigh-Anne - posted on 05/28/2009

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What sick people we have here! I love both my husband and son equally but if I had to choose it would be my baby. Its instinct.

Angela - posted on 05/28/2009

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For me personally, the love I have for my kids is so much stronger than any love I have ever known. i truly know what it feels like for God and the loves he has for each one of us. He is there no matter what we do right or wrong. that's the exact way I feel for my kids.

yeah I know everyone says that they will one day leave the nest and fly on their own, which is great but the love I have for them will always be there.

And yes I do love my husband but totally different and in my eyes the two loves don't even compare. What can I say LOVE MY KIDS!

Veronica - posted on 05/28/2009

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Quoting Stephanie:

There's a lot of interesting comments and views on this. I have to give my 2 cents... God first, spouse, and then children, but let me clarify my thoughts. I'm married for the second time with 3 children from my first marriage and expecting our first with my DH who is deffinietly the love of my life, after God. I put my kids first in my first marriage, and maybe so did my ex, and we neglected each other. In the bible it says that husbands should love their wives and wives should respect their husbands, that is the kind of attention we need. Now, a bit older and wiser, my DH and I put our relationship above the kids. Not their needs, we ALWAYS take care of their needs, but if we don't take care of each other, we can't be a united front to take care of the kids. I hope that makes sense to people. We are a unit, two halves of a whole that when we take care of each other can better take care of the gifts from God, the children, who are only on loan to us to raise, teach, and care for until we can let them make their own way in this world. And when they are gone, who is left? The two of us and God. I'm not saying I'd leave the kids in the lifeboat alone and stay on the sinking Titanic with my husband, but I know he would insist that I take that spot alongside the children to carry on the care of the children God has blessed us with.


Very well put! And thank you for your story, its very important, and helps people really see. Thank you!

Mel - posted on 05/28/2009

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Quoting Rachel:

I have seen many marriages fall apart after all the kids move out because the parents invested so much of themselves into the kids. When the kids moved out, the parents didn't know themselves or each other!! It's very important to devote quality nurturing time to your spouse throughout your child's life. I have 4 kids that I love immensely!! BUT, one day, they will be gone starting their own lives and families, and I will be left with my husband... I want to know him and enjoy him then as much as I did before we had kids... and the only way, I BELIEVE, to do that is to keep him #1 !


 



I love your photo hunni they are gorgeous

Stephanie - posted on 05/28/2009

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There's a lot of interesting comments and views on this. I have to give my 2 cents... God first, spouse, and then children, but let me clarify my thoughts. I'm married for the second time with 3 children from my first marriage and expecting our first with my DH who is deffinietly the love of my life, after God. I put my kids first in my first marriage, and maybe so did my ex, and we neglected each other. In the bible it says that husbands should love their wives and wives should respect their husbands, that is the kind of attention we need. Now, a bit older and wiser, my DH and I put our relationship above the kids. Not their needs, we ALWAYS take care of their needs, but if we don't take care of each other, we can't be a united front to take care of the kids. I hope that makes sense to people. We are a unit, two halves of a whole that when we take care of each other can better take care of the gifts from God, the children, who are only on loan to us to raise, teach, and care for until we can let them make their own way in this world. And when they are gone, who is left? The two of us and God. I'm not saying I'd leave the kids in the lifeboat alone and stay on the sinking Titanic with my husband, but I know he would insist that I take that spot alongside the children to carry on the care of the children God has blessed us with.

Anna - posted on 05/28/2009

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In my eyes - a partner is a person you love and you choose to have in your life, and who that is can change over time and again and again. Once you have children they are bonded with you forever, no matter what. Therefore I personally put my son before his father, but love them both madly, truly, deeply! I just asked myself, reading many comments here, "whom would I save if I only could save one in a fire/accident/disaster?" - and for me saving my son was the only answer possible! And I hope think, and wish my partner feels the same way - putting our son before me. :)

Christine - posted on 05/28/2009

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I say ' my emily is my life '.

This is true. I have been told by my husband that when emily was born it was all about her. We got married fast (and i was not pregnant-so thats not the reason). may have been true(me so close to her.. he is alwasy working), but it was a huge transition from NY to ohio and then she came fast --so idk.. i can say i dont ecnore his needs when they need to be met. SO as long as he dont compain about that- then things shud be ok.lol.. The way I look at it..

Be the mom we need to be, always there, wipe rear, bath, laugh, play, giggle.. but then when the dad needs things from 'his wife '..make sure youre there!! :)..Have a great day!

Veronica - posted on 05/28/2009

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This has been a great thread -- several of the recent posts about God first and your husbands first, i totally agree with! Let me share a little somethin somethin with you ladies -- over four years ago - my children were the center of my world - it was them or nothing -- then my husband fell apart and searched elsewhere for attention -- (just online crap - you know what i mean) That was when i caught a love letter to him, from another woman a few states away -- I was sooo upset -- now, im not saying that it was all my fault and boo hoo to my husband - but I learned then and had my wakeup call about how important he really was too. Since then - things have been a great ride! So that is my excerpt of why our husbands and our marriages are just as important -- My husband and i had an argument just recently and divorce was brought up - things havent been so smooth -- so i said fine. (long story) A few days later of not really conversing - he sat down and proceeded to tell me that he couldnt leave because i was too important to him, the things i do for him, and how i treat him - that he couldnt imagine himself with anyone else -- I thought WOW - this is what all the time and energy into him has paid off to become. Another wake up call in how important it was for me to take care of him. Our childrens needs now, and the bringing up on the right path is our main goals. They are a priority in that sense - we work as a team in discipline and teaching. I hope this helps on the husband importance level.....

Sarah - posted on 05/28/2009

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Quoting Amanda:



Quoting Barbara:

Absolutely NOT!!!!!!!!! Children should always come first. If not you should not be a mom.





 






 






WOW  what an ignorant and judgmental comment. Who are you to judge if someone should be a mother based on her beliefs or feelings??? God knows that heart of a person and knows how someone feels about another and you shouldn't be saying a woman shouldn't be a mother if she doesn't put her children first. Honestly, no one but God should come first.





i agree Amanda, i started this thread because i was curious about people's opinions not to start telling people they shouldn't be mum's!!! i really don't like it when people say that!! luckily the majority of posts on this thread have been really interesting and well thought out!!! :)

Rachel - posted on 05/28/2009

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I have seen many marriages fall apart after all the kids move out because the parents invested so much of themselves into the kids. When the kids moved out, the parents didn't know themselves or each other!! It's very important to devote quality nurturing time to your spouse throughout your child's life. I have 4 kids that I love immensely!! BUT, one day, they will be gone starting their own lives and families, and I will be left with my husband... I want to know him and enjoy him then as much as I did before we had kids... and the only way, I BELIEVE, to do that is to keep him #1 !

Amanda - posted on 05/28/2009

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Quoting Leeannne:

I have tried to find the article but for some reason I can not find it?
what heading is it under?



http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news...



 



I copied and pasted so I hope it works. It's kind of a long article and I didn't read it all but maybe you'll be able too. I have a two year old and 2 6 year olds running around LOL

Amanda - posted on 05/28/2009

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Quoting Leeannne:

I have tried to find the article but for some reason I can not find it?
what heading is it under?



You have to go back to one of the first posts and it's highlighted.

Leeannne - posted on 05/28/2009

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I have tried to find the article but for some reason I can not find it?
what heading is it under?

Amanda - posted on 05/28/2009

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Quoting Barbara:

Absolutely NOT!!!!!!!!! Children should always come first. If not you should not be a mom.


 



 



WOW  what an ignorant and judgmental comment. Who are you to judge if someone should be a mother based on her beliefs or feelings??? God knows that heart of a person and knows how someone feels about another and you shouldn't be saying a woman shouldn't be a mother if she doesn't put her children first. Honestly, no one but God should come first.

Kelly - posted on 05/28/2009

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As much as i love my husband my kids will always come first. They didn't ask to be born and they are a part of me. My husband and I can survive without each other if we had to, but children are dependent on their parents. I'm with you on this one!

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