Passive aggressive abuse and getting out :(

Julia - posted on 11/16/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Can anyone help, Im so low and dont know where to turn. I have been living with passive aggressive abuse from my partner for nearly 4 years. I have moved in and out of his house only to be duped again with false promises, and yet everything is always my fault. We are currently living under the same roof and Ive finally snapped and told him to leave, Im not working and the house is more than any housing benefit i ll receive until I can hopefully find work. I want to stay here as I cant afford to move out, I have not rent/bond money and only £10 to my name until any benefit is granted :( The lease is solely in his name also through an estate agent, and Im hoping they let me take it on even with a terrible credit history as they have seen how spotless the home is after various 3 monthly spot checks? The owner of the home also lives in a new build at the end of the land attached to this property and we have spoken and he s been into the house to help with the heating system etc, so maybe he would give the ok to the estate agent, as long as he gets paid? Im at my wits end, its almost Christmas, ive no gifts bought for my two older children yet, and worried sick about paying the bills, Ive always been the one who has had to pick up the pieces and start from rock bottom everytime we split and living in crap cheap accommodation and he just stays put in his nice home and well paid job. I am so lonely and depressed and need to keep the home as a block to rebuild my life. I applied for benefits two weeks ago and then he turned on the charm so I wouldnt leave him and I foolishly cancelled them, now it has become uglier again until I snapped, ive reapplied today for JSA and I ll have to ring the housing Benefit office on Monday and hopefully stop them cancelling my previous claim - He is making me look insane :( I have been screaming and ranting at him for months now as im at the end of my tether, he calmly says its not him who needs mental health help as he is not the one 'screeching' He wouldnt share our bed, slept on the sofa, then next day leave and just ignore me. The final straw came when I asked him to leave my bank card on the side as I was meeting a friend for lunch on Friday, I watched him look through his wallet as I left the room....next day there was no card... I called him at work and he said I never asked him to leave my card, he didnt know he had it..... I must be imagining it. I completely lost it and I ve crying ever since. He has now agreed to leave, after first sending me into a tailspin by saying he had given a months notice on the house today!!! Then backtracked and said he has only asked how much notice is needed if he wanted to leave!!! Mind games. Can anyone shed any light on what I can do? as benefits wont cover the rent? and just some support would be fantastic, im reaching for the vodka now as Im so lonely and terrified :( Christmas is a hard time when you are about to let your children down, I know its not about the gifts, but I love to see them happy :( JXxx

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Julia - posted on 11/16/2013

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Hi Kelly,
The card thing, was I put it in his wallet for safe keeping as I had not taken my purse. He has his own account and card. I have always been independent and worked, we decided to start a computer business which I managed from home, hence no income now nor job in my own right. It is the last time I will ever let him back into my life, we split for 6 months and he wanted me back, Id found a new home, job etc and he has just lied. I'm living in the uk and Ive applied for all i'm entitled to, he has said he will honour the rent this month when its due, so that ll allow some breathing space, my eldest son works and Im sure he would move in here and help me out, and I shall get the ex to arrange things with the estate agent once he has calmed down, he will do that much, I hope. My daughter is 17 and at college and earns part time also, so im sure if we sit tight and I find even just part time work for now, we can do this, my only worry is the lease being allowed in my name as my credit rating is shocking from a previous drunk ex and I had to walk out on a mortgage! This guy I met was a breath of fresh air after that, so loving, hardworking, kind, gentle. It was all false, and once I was in deep enough, bang!! Jx

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Why did your husband have your bank card? Most banks will issue up to 3 cards per account, so you shouldn't have to share, and if it was YOUR card, he shouldn't have any right to it anyway. He sounds controlling to me.

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I'm sorry to bring bad news, but if the lease is in his name, you cannot force him to leave. IF he agrees to leave, you need to have the lease transferred to your name BEFORE he leaves, because he can take legal action against you if you keep him out of his own home.
Secondly, how are you planning to pay the rent? Is the rent something you can afford? If he signs the lease over to you, and you fail to pay the rent, you are just going to ruin your credit and reduce your chances of finding a decent place to live later. Find a place you can afford.

Go to your local women's shelter. They will help you get the assistance you need and give you a place to stay until you can set up childcare and get a job.

Lastly, DO NOT TRUST PEOPLE!!!!! I say this to someone almost every single day (I work in a homeless shelter) because women fall in "love" with a guy, have a kid, and then trust him to stick around and take care of them forever just because he "promised" he would. Promises do not mean a thing. Do not enter a relationship without your own financial security, and don't give up your financial security just to be in the relationship. A women should ALWAYS keep a few thousand dollars in a bank account only she has access to, and a car in her name. That way, if you ever need to run, you can get into your car and go. Even if you have to sleep in the car for a few nights, you will have a safe place that locks and a few dollars to buy food. I also keep a cooler in my car so I can buy food at the grocery rather than restaurants.

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