Paternity woes?

Savannah - posted on 07/20/2015 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I'm trying to figure out a reasonable and positive solution to helping my boyfriend and the possible child he may have. My boyfriend's ex was a very abusive individual. He made the mistake of sleeping with her once before him and I met, after trying to separate himself from her for a very long time. Several months into our relationship she called and said she was pregnant. But, because she was doing meth daily she didn't know who the dad was! We do not do drugs, we have a stable home and only wish the best for her and this child. I know people make poor choice and often times motherhood can turn one's life around. The issue was that she has no idea who the father really is. There are at least 2 other men she has told him about that could be the father. Not wanting her to be alone, he tried to be communicative and receptive towards helping her and both of us wanted to be there for her. It immediately got bad because she became very angry that he wouldn't leave me for her. I understand that she is struggling and sympathize with her feelings. What she began to do was stalk me, send me physically threatening emails and text messages. She tried to run me over in bright daylight in front of the grocery store once (I wish I was joking about this). I was afraid she would show up at our house and try to hurt us because she has a history of drug abuse and physical assault. To this day she has simply refused to allow him a dna test, has moved to a secret location and send very violent communication in regards to how she can't wait for the day she can hurt me. We do not know if it is indeed his kid, but she won't permit any ability to try and resolve the issue reasonably. I am more than willing to provide him support and even lay aside my own fears of how much she seems to hate me. I just don't know how to make it better. I lost a baby a few months ago in a early first trimester miscarriage and somehow she caught wind of it. She has proceeded to call his family, friends and pretty much anyone she could think of to tell them I had an abortion and am a monster. He deserves to know if it is his, especially because the child was born with some birth defects... I hope I don't anger anyone who has a bad situation with a low life father of their child or a nasty new girlfriend/wife of their former partner. That's just not us though! Please help, I'm sorry this is so long winded...

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Jodi - posted on 07/21/2015

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He still needs to get an attorney. The attorney can find a way to locate her. If the child has been born with defects and she was on drugs while she was pregnant, she also needs to be reported to Child Protection to ensure the interests of the child are taken care of.

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Savannah - posted on 07/21/2015

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Thank you all! We contacted a lawyer who has a specialty in divorce, paternity etc. I hate trying to drag someone to court... But, it has come to that. I know my primary job is to help and support him. I have no legal right to the child. All I can do is support him in figuring out what is actually fact vs reality. The good things we have going is that I've helped him heal his emotional scars, we have a very loving and wonderful relationship and that he feels confident that he has me on his side.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/21/2015

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Which is why YOUR BOYFRIEND needs an attorney. You can't do anything but support at this point.
Attorneys have methods and ways of finding people. Skip tracing, etc. If she's a druggie, she's left a trail, and can be found.
The bottom line is this: Either this is important enough to your boyfriend to hire an attorney and pursue legal action, or it isn't. Claiming to be 'afraid' that something will happen...if she's an addict, something is GOING to happen to that child, regardless of whether or not your boyfriend pursues the issue. If he is afraid that she will come against him, physically, that's where a restraining order comes into play.

Savannah - posted on 07/21/2015

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I am actually very concerned. It is a very difficult scenario to report a situation in which the mother has been skipping town to town throughout her pregnancy, she knows where we live... It's a guess on our part as to what part of the state she resides within because she alienates everyone who tries to assist her. This is not exactly a cut and dry, simple scenario by any means.

Michelle - posted on 07/21/2015

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If you are that concerned about the child then report her to child services.

Savannah - posted on 07/21/2015

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I'm going to get an attorney. There's no good solution here and I WISH it would not result in this but a little baby does not deserve to be put through this even if he is not the father. I am near tears every day. I can't bear putting a little one through this. It isn't fair.

Savannah - posted on 07/21/2015

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It is not excuses for him. He wants to be there. As do I. An excuse would be for us to evade this. He and I honestly feel like if we push too hard she will get very extreme as a response. Hence, why I have indicated our fear and apprehension! We are discussing a little being, she doesn't deserve harm simply because her mother is angry.

Michelle - posted on 07/21/2015

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What did the lawyers say?
He can petition the courts to force her to get DNA testing done.
You can also take out a restraining order so she can't contact you or your boyfriend.
There are a lot of options for you to take, it's just a matter of actually doing them. We can't help you but we will be offering suggestions so don't keep making excuses for them.

Savannah - posted on 07/20/2015

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She won't tell him where she lives though. She had the baby in secret and as much as I would like to think all that would matter to her is that the lovely babies well being is most important, I am very uncertain she can think much more then beyond her own hatred. We have inquired with attorneys. She has said that unless he stops speaking to me and comes back to to her, it won't matter. I know it seems selfish but I don't think he should go back to her (she tried to stab him with a knife and drove the wrong direction on the interstate to demonstrate her anger with him in the passenger seat). She's a very volatile person.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/20/2015

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He needs to get an attorney and have a court order for a paternity test.

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