Planning a pregnancy

[deleted account] ( 11 moms have responded )

Hi all,

I am not a mom yet, but my boyfriend and I have been considering starting a family soon. We love each other a lot and would like to share our lives with a new baby. He's 35 and I feel like he would be a great dad and he's been close to having been a father before. But how do I know he really wants to do this with me and not just because I'm who he's with now and not because of his "biological clock?"

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Sarah - posted on 05/02/2014

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My suggestion......get married first. That would answer your questions. If he is not willing to marry you then he is not committed to you and you don't know if he really wants to be with you (NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS......ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS.) You can read through the MANY MANY posts from people wondering what they are going to do now that their boyfriend who SAID he wanted a baby has now LEFT them high and dry. There is a reason why marriage comes before baby.

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Michelle - posted on 05/03/2014

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I agree with all the others.
My wedding cost $6000 and was perfect for us.
If it's going to take you years to save 20k then you are going to struggle to raise children and you will never have the "wedding of your dreams". You will probably start to resent him and that won't be good for the relationship at all.
Like Jodi said, if you don't know him well enough to answer this question then maybe you shouldn't thinking about babies and marriage.
There's no 1 way to answer your question and a bunch of strangers over the internet definitely have no idea what he is feeling/thinking.

Jodi - posted on 05/03/2014

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And just to add, if you don't know him well enough to know the answer to the question, then maybe you shouldn't have a child together anyway.

Jodi - posted on 05/03/2014

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I'm going to agree with the ladies here that if you can't afford the ceremony you want now, and you instead have kids first, there is no way in HELL you will be able to justify $20k on a wedding AFTER you have children. You might sit there now and say "but a child is not $20,000 a day expensive", but I hate to tell you, they will cost you that in not very much time at all, so if it will take you years to save now, how do you think you are going to be able to save after kids? I think maybe you are kidding yourselves.

I had a "really nice" ceremony and wedding on $5,000.

Sarah - posted on 05/03/2014

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Agrees with Liz. If you can't afford a wedding then you can't afford a baby. Just your prenatal care and delivery with insurance is going to cost you a lot let alone what you will spend in that first year. If commitment was important then you would find away to do a wedding. A nice and perfect wedding does not have to cost 20,000..you can get all of the same things for less if you try.....trust me been there done that. Also though a wedding is very important and having what you have always dreamed your wedding to be....it is just one day.....A marriage is the rest of your life and more important then that one day. If you have a 20,000 wedding but are divorced in 5 years that wedding did not mean much. If you have a $2,000 wedding and been married for 60 years that wedding was priceless.

If you think you will have that 20,000 after having kids dream on.....Once you start having kids your money goes into raising them and the older they get the more they cost. So you have a better chance of having your 20,000 wedding BEFORE you start having kids.

Liz - posted on 05/02/2014

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You know that if he commits to you. Marriage is the best way of him proving that level of commitment, though obviously it is not a complete guarantee either.

Incidentally, I didn't have the wedding day I wanted because we couldn't afford it - having to pay for it ourselves for the most part. I'm still glad that I didn't wait, because I have the husband that I always wanted and now we have a daughter and love our family. In 20 years time, if we get the opportunity, we can have a big party as a vow renewal if need be.

Blowing thousands on a single day is great if you have the thousands, but if you don't, it isn't worth mortgaging your life for.

[deleted account]

And besides, that isn't the concern here. Men aren't that open so it's difficult to read them, what I want to know is how can I tell if this isn't just his clock going off and really because he loves me and wants to start a family with me.

[deleted account]

Of course they're not cheap, but they're not $20,000 in a day expensive. Neither of our parents saved up for us to get married, so we have to pay out of pocket is the thing. I have insurance for prenatal care and we have discussed finances. We're in a good place as far as that goes and will still have some disposable income with a baby around, enough to put a side a little each month, so that's not a concern. I just don't want an average ceremony, I want a really nice one.

Liz - posted on 05/02/2014

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Well, you know...if your finances are such that it will take you years to save up for a ceremony, you really need to save up for a long time before you have a child too. They aren't cheap!

[deleted account]

He does want to get married. We discussed that already. I don't want to get married until we can afford a really nice ceremony, which will take years to save up for.

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