PLEASE CAN SOMEONE ANYONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE

Erin - posted on 01/14/2016 ( 16 moms have responded )

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In September of 15 I was giving custody of my 2year nephew because of the fact that his mothers roommate was arrested for prostitution and my nephew was at the home at the time but before this mom put a pfa on my brother in Jul because he left her and when we went to court she was higher then a kite and those are the words that are in the court documents so we went to court in November and it was said that mom was clean bit two weeks after that she checked herself in to rehab for 18 days and came home and wants to say she is clean and all better but I feel like this my nephew has been with me most of his life before the pfa I July I had him six days a week took him to early Headstart and did all his therapy sessions I have done everything and now that she is clean for a month she thinks she deserves him back but my question is how long is long enough for him to be safe and cared for I am his foster parent and I am so stressed because all she does is demand this and demand that she thinks that she has the right to talk to me I have tried so many times to let her k ow I want her to get him back and to be his mother and help her with going to therapy and yet and still she talks to me like I am tue one who messed up and lost my son nothing has changed and I don't think she deserves to get him back for at least six months to a year am I wrong for that if ever

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Michelle - posted on 01/15/2016

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They are trying to keep the Mother/Son relationship because every child should have the opportunity for that.
It's the courts job to do everything possible to help the Mother keep the relationship with her child. They will keep an eye on her and if she doesn't get clean and do everything to get her son back then they will take him away.
The courts are doing their job, I know it's frustrating though. It's a long process but as long as your nephew has you on his side the outcome will be the best for him.

Michelle - posted on 01/15/2016

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I'm saying that because you have had a similar upbringing and are a relative, it can stop you from being neutral and not seeing why the courts are ordering what they are.
Please don't get angry with me, I am just an outsider explaining the correct path to take to protect your nephew. Not once has anybody said for you not to fight to help him, we have just told you the steps you need to take.
Your responses are proof that you are far too close to it all to see the big picture.

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Erin - posted on 01/15/2016

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I understand I just don't understand why they think that he should be with her I want her to do right by him I do I even have stepped up on many times to help her out but all I get is shit on so I am really sorry for being rude

Dove - posted on 01/15/2016

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I also don't think any judge is going to put a child back in a home w/ a drug addict after less than 3 weeks clean. 'Typically' it would be a gradual reintroduction to take place over 6-12 months time.

You aren't saying that the kid is going back though... you are just telling us that she is having supervised visitations. DOES the court order say that he must go back now? What does it specify about the timeline and requirements?

Dove - posted on 01/15/2016

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If she is harassing you and trying to violate the court orders... report it. Get a lawyer (if you don't already have one) and report everything.

No one is telling you not to fight for the child... they're simply telling you that legally it is not your decision to make on whether or not the mother is involved and how much. You absolutely can and should fight to protect this child.... but coming on here and asking what we think is not doing that. You gather your evidence and you present it in court. If she is violating any of the orders... you report her.

THAT is how you fight for this child... not by getting pissy online w/ people who are telling you to DO just that.

Erin - posted on 01/15/2016

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I'm not letting my nephew be the next case on Nancy grace n I am close to this he is my nephew you telling me you would not fight if your nephew was I this situation

Erin - posted on 01/15/2016

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How is my judgement clouded she a herion addict that abused her daughter n was prostituting with a two year old in the house I should just let him go back to that environment I mean I have a lawyer n Cyf here is joke they put my nieces back with the man who was raping them for five years but none of this is her fault she's not charged with a damn thing none of this makes sense to me

Michelle - posted on 01/15/2016

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We are not telling you to just sit back. We are telling you that you need to talk to the child's case worker or get a lawyer and petition the courts to change the orders.
I also think you are a bit too emotionally involved to be rational and open minded in this case. Yes, you have been a child in this situation so it hits hard with you. It's not always the best thing to have been in a similar situation as the child as it can cloud your judgement.

Raye - posted on 01/15/2016

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Well, then my advice would be to get a lawyer. You will have to provide the court with CURRENT evidence that she's an unfit mother, so it will probably take time for you to gather new evidence. Once you have something that will change the judge's mind, then you can file for a change to the court orders to get her visitation reduced or revoked. If you really want to have total control over the child, then you can try to legally adopt him. If the mother has not yet been proven unfit, she will most likely not give up her rights. So you still will probably have to have evidence against her to convince the judge to terminate her rights.

Erin - posted on 01/15/2016

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I am not saying that I want to see her fail but this is not the first time I have been here with her I have been In her family since I was 14 and I have seen her go to rehab and get out and do the shit again so by what you are saying I should just sit back wait for my nephew to get hurt cause she deserves to have him she is his mother I get it but a mother who wanted to kill him cause she was high and shit and let him be around herself and another women having sex for money so again what is really best for the child is all I am saying this ain't the first time age has claimed she was clean and wasn't I get that she is his mother but to the point I don't know and another thing the way she thinks and acts with me I an raising her son and I am living in hell cause she wants to threaten me cause I follow the rules and she dont like the way the judge and everyone set it up I should not have to deal with the shit she says and acts like I am the one that got both my kids taken off her I an sorry if it sounds like I am being rude but in all honesty I am going to fight for my nephew untill I can't fight no more

Sarah - posted on 01/15/2016

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In reality it does not matter what you think. It depends on what the judge orders. If she completes all of the things the judge orders then yes she will get custody back as she has completed and "proved" to the judge she is fit. It does not matter what we think. There is a legal system that the courts, dhs, and foster parents have to follow. The court will order her to be clean for so long, have clean random checks. If she has clean checks then legally the court can't withhold her child from her.

Raye - posted on 01/15/2016

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You said her visits are supervised, right? So let the person supervising do their job and find out if she's ready. How can she prove herself if you limit her time? She has to be actually in the situation and dealing with the problems that come up to show that she can handle those problems. SHE is the child's mother. Yes, you have gone through so much to care for the child, and it's evident that you care very much and want what's best for them, but you're too close to the situation and can't always be objective.

No one can tell you if 18 days in rehab will be enough. Each person is different. But generally there are three steps to being successful with rehab... The first step is the physical detox which generally takes 3-5 days. Step two is finding support and stability in recovery. During this part the person would generally attend groups, lectures, and probably AA or NA meetings each day. The idea is that you are learning to overcome your addiction when you leave and make a habit of sobriety. The third step in recovery is based entirely on personal growth and taking positive action. It is very difficult for a rehab center to teach these things to the recovering alcoholic or addict. They can tell you about the concept but you do not get a chance to try it or practice it while you are in treatment. The person must go out into the real world and learn how to actually live in recovery and deal with reality. In short term rehab you are sheltered from the real world and there are not any temptations, so you do not get the experience of real life. Only by being out in the world can one prove they can deal with the temptations and the cravings and stay on their path to sobriety. It's a never-ending path, and they must choose every day to walk that path. And it helps to have people that believe in you and offer a positive support system.

So, if you can't help her by being positive, at least don't hurt her by making things more difficult than they have to be. The only way you will know is to let her try.

Erin - posted on 01/15/2016

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I know I can't stop her from seeing him n the courts said that I can limit the time limit n the days she does but that is not what I was going towards I don't think that if they removed him cause she could not care for him because of drugs then what should be the time limit that she has to prove she is clean I don't think 18 days is enough

Raye - posted on 01/15/2016

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Erin, legally you have to follow the court orders, or go back to court to change them, otherwise you could lose the child completely and he would be placed somewhere else. You don't get to make the decisions on whether his mother can be in his life or how much time she gets. If you have evidence (REAL evidence, not just accusations) that she is a danger to him, then present it to the case worker or judge and get the orders changed. Right now, she has visitation rights and you can't stand in the way of that. She also can't change the custody agreement unless she goes back to court, or unless the orders you have give terms by which she regains custody. She should still need to be evaluated by the court to determine if she has met those terms and will continue to meet them in the foreseeable future before they give her custody.

As Michelle advised, talk to the case worker to understand what the next steps are "IF" she proves to be clean.

Erin - posted on 01/14/2016

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She has visits three times a week supervised and with her parenting class I forgot to mention that but I don't feel that 18 days I rehab for herion is enough I don't know I just don't want my nephew to have to grow up wondering if he's loved cause trust me I've been there and that's why I am fighting for him cause my mother had a drug problem also so I know what it is to be in this lifestyle where drugs are more important than rent food and us I refuse to accept that my nephew should live like this

Michelle - posted on 01/14/2016

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You would really need to discuss this with the case worker. The courts would have had stipulations on how long she has to be clean before she gets him back or should have.
There should also be a plan in place to slowly reintroduce them with visitation.
If the courts have placed him in foster care then he will have a case worker.

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