PLease can you give me advice on this SERIOUS issue in my life?

RyLee - posted on 11/14/2011 ( 45 moms have responded )

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I became a mother about 2 1/2 years ago of my husbands 3 children. The oldest childs mother recently passed away. But the younger 2 girls ages 2 and 3 mother walked out of their life and is addicted to Herion. She is not a very nice or sensiable person even when she is off of the drug... but anyways she has been mia for along time not with out even attempting to contact the children. My 2 year old does not know her what so over and my 3 year old has some memory of her. She resecently has tried to contact us and wants to start seeing the children but is still on drugs.. She is about 6 months prego and still using heroin and drinking. My husband things that she should be allowed to see her children becasue he never wants to tell his kids they he ever kept her away from them, but i feel the complete opposite. please please give me any kind of feedback you may have. Thank you.

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Tah - posted on 11/20/2011

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Even though i don't agree with you and keeping them away from her, i will say this, If you have been raising these children almost from birth then your opinion should absolutely be one he consults and takes into consideration. He can't ask you to raise them and then have no say. It should certainly be discussed and taken into consideration even if he doesn't agree with you either.

Meaghan Van - posted on 11/15/2011

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I think you need to sit down with your husband, and have a VERY serious talk with him. Explain that this isnt you being jealous, but that your concerns are exactly where his should be... about the welfare of your two beautiful daughters. Ask him what they will gain from meeting with their biological mother at this point in their lives? It will only disrupt them emotionally, make them unstable in their lives, and put a wedge in between you and her. Also there is the trauma of seeing their biological mother as the washout as you have described. the three year old might have a pleasant blurb of a memoory, it would only be replacing it with something bad. Your husbands first port of call should be the welfare of his daughters, not whether or not if they think he is a bad parent for withholding her from them until they were older. They can meeet her later when they are older and able to understand more...but right now, they are just babies and need the emotional stability that comes from having clean and sober and morally responsible parents. Nothing good can come from them meeting their biological mother at this point in their young lives. Ask your husband to be patient and let them grow up a bit first, and THEN when that time comes and they meet her, for it to be supervised by you or him, so that then you can also protect them from any involvement in her lifestyle. Again I stress this point, YOUR HUSBANDS FIRST WORRY SHOULD BE ABOUT THE WELFARE (EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL) OF HIS DAUGHTERS. NOT WHETHER OR NOT THEY THINK WHAT HE DID WAS UNFAIR OR NOT. BE THEIR PARENTS NOT THEIR FRIENDS. Besides the fact is that when they get older and have children of their own they will thank him for that. Then they will understand why he did it, because they will have little ones that they love soo much that the idea of introducing them to a alcoholic junkie would seem as ludicrous as it does to you and everyone else on here.

[deleted account]

Go to the Court to request a modification of visitation rights. You can do it yourself. Bring any and all evidence you have of her drug problems and her history of not showing up with you to the Court. You MUST prove, with evidence, what you have stated here. They will modify the custody arrangement to be supervised only AND require regular drug tests, if you can prove it. Remember, our justice system is set up to favor the mother, unless she can proven unfit, so you have to bring your A game and be fully prepared for any question the Judge may ask you. I am not a lawyer, I just work for one.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/15/2011

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I would NOT let this women into your home. That literally opens your home up to her. You want a neutral ground to meet her on. A hotel lobby, play ground....somewhere public and potentially near law enforcement incase she tries to bolt with the kids. Also, if she makes a scene, it is in public with plenty of witnesses. Keep the first meeting short, maybe 1-2 hours.

Nikki - posted on 11/14/2011

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What a horrible situation to be in. I don't know anything about the legal side of things but does her visitation from 2 years ago still stand? If not I would attempt supervised visits with you or your husband, that way you don't need to get the courts involved again. If her visitation rights still stand I would get every bit of evidence you can on her being an unfit carer and go back to court, as soon as she has this baby ring CPS so they can investigate her as well.



She might be feeling half heartedly maternal with some of the pregnancy hormones running through her. I can't believe she is pregnant and still using, so sad. I hope for yours and your children's sake she looses interest and leaves you all alone.

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45 Comments

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Chaya - posted on 08/02/2012

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I think they shouldn't see their mother like that, but if your husband insists, it should be supervised, and in a public place. I used my pastor and a few of the men at church when my ex wanted to see our daughter. after he abducted her. He denies drug use, but he was really abusive to me at the time. I chose those men because they could hurt my ex if they needed to protect my daughter.

Barb - posted on 11/21/2011

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Good job Rylee!! I know how hard it is, my son had a stepmom that was good to him. When he was little and gave affection so freely, it was hard to see him hug and kiss her goodbye at the end of his visits with his dad. But I had to keep in mind i'd rather have it that way than any other. You want as many people as possible to love our kids in a positive way.



Great big kudos to you, you are doing a fantastic job on a not so fantastic situation. Your girls are so lucky to have you.

RyLee - posted on 11/20/2011

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well everyone the situation has really took a great turn. I did notcied CPS of her drug use, they said that while she is prego there is nothing they can do, but to notify the hospital when she goes into labor. But me and my husband agreed that any further visits would have to be supervised. Shes agreed with it, and even came to church WITH US today. It was deff a hard thing to see my kids love another woman, but i am happy that their mother is trying to establish a relationship with them and me. We are getting along and i could tell my 3 year old was extremly happy. Thanks for all your support and opions.

Tah - posted on 11/20/2011

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I think you have to allow the children to see her, but i would definitely have it supervised. You don't want to ever have to have the children resent you for not allowing them to see their mom. My son's grandmother on his father's side was addicted to drugs for years, she was a nurse and developed this awful crack addiction but i can say she in her children's lives. She has been clean for years now and while his grandfather was careful about the visits, she was always allowed access to them in a controlled enviroment and they are close now and appreciate his leaving that door open.

Barb - posted on 11/20/2011

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So Rylee, how did it go? Did she bring the kids back alright? Did CPS get notified about her using drugs while pregnant? How are you doing now?

Jody - posted on 11/19/2011

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Hmm this is a tricky one, I would let the children see her (wouldn't like it though) BUT have someone else present, I wouldn't trust someone under the influence of drugs, but I do see your partners point about it too. You probably have grown a bond with the children and feel insecure about there safety which is completely normal, and you also don't want any strain on your relationship with your partner either. Explain your ideas and concerns to your partner and see what he thinks is the best option whether it be them seeing her BUT with something in place or something else etc. Good on you though! Good luck!

Brianna - posted on 11/16/2011

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i wouldnt let her see the kids i think it would be really hard on them. plus i would never want a drugged up crazy woman near my kids u never no what kind of crazy things she could do

Ellen Mabena - posted on 11/16/2011

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I think it is important to let the kids see their mom no matter what the situation. They will grow up to love and respect you if you do not stop them but if you do not they will recent you,so for theirsake let them.

Musha - posted on 11/15/2011

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Hulo , i know how yo must feel , you love and want to protect those little ones , and thats very caring and good of you , but a mother will always be a mother no matter her deeds , your husband is right in a way , she does not to be with the children alone some one can be there to supervise her see how she behaves around them and may be this will help her come around its never too late for any one to change and by seeing her 2beautiful babies that she walked away form will awake some thing in her the compassion of a mother , so a ask you give her a chance healing comes throw love and Compassion, but if yo feel she a danger to her kids then its not rite but some do help her tu heal she needs help, Good luck my God guide you ,
sera

Karen - posted on 11/15/2011

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instead of going to court if you have evidence of her drug abuse you can contact CPS, they will investigate and they have the power to stop her from seeing them & can order supervised visits, i know you want to respect your husband choice but everyone makes wrong choices sometimes & letting your children being alone with a drug addict is the wrong choice. this women should be reported anyways for the sake of her unborn child & reporting her now will prevent her from ruining another child's life. your husband maybe right and they may never come into harm while they are with her but if there is even a slightest bit of a chance that they won't is it really worth it? i don't know about the states but in canada when you report someone you can remain anonymous.

Shae - posted on 11/15/2011

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Hi RyLee, I've just read some of these posts, and going to a lawyer and actually making her revok or have her parental rights taken off her might be a plan, then you can fully adopt your kids. Also, maybe suggest you and the kids meeting her at a park or something? That way you can have full watch on all proceedings? I hope everything goes well... Sorry you have to go through this, and even more so that your children do...

RyLee - posted on 11/15/2011

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Just read some more of your comments. Thank you guys. Im so glad that many of you feel the same why i do and would do what i WANT to do. I wish my husband would even talk to me about this situation. He doesnt talk much about anything... I just wish my opionon ment more to him... I feel so out of control over my own life and the life of my children. I hope that everything works out and i AM calling children services on her tomorrow monring about her useing drugs while pregnate. She has never had prenatal care for any of her children. And she moves around from city to city so it is so hard to actually get children services to do anything. but wish me luck and please pray for my family. thank you all.

RyLee - posted on 11/15/2011

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well update: she came to get the kids today for a couple hours. she is suppose to bring them home by 8pm. ive been crying everysince. She came into my house pregnate and just to think that she is using herion and harming the baby in her belly makes me know she is an unfit parent and is not capable of taking proper care of "her" children. She also had brand new shoes on her feet and a nice outfit which made me mad because we have been struggling to provide them with nice shoes and clothes and she can have them. She is not a parent. She is an egg doner. And untill MY kids are of an age where they can make a legit opionon of weather they want to stay or good i think that it is me and my husbands job. And i do thinkit is my buisness to keep them from her. Ive raised them since my youngest was 1 month old. Anyone who has ever cared for a child sicne they were one month old would know how i feel. I may not have given birth to her but ive taught her everything she knows. She knows NO ONE but me as her mother. And she was extremly confussed and crying when her "mother" came to get her today. So please keep my children in your prayers. I appreciate everyones opionons. ANd i disgsted with my husband supervised visitation. but he says he has faith in god that they will be okay. So as my husband i will have to support his choices. but i have a horriable gut feeling about this and i pray they will be ok and not damaged by knowing they have a "mother" who walks in and out of their lives.



btw she went to a free rehab a fee months ago and checked her self out of it and started using again.
she has also filed for SSI for being bipoloar and skitso.

I hope that you all believe that if she was a good parent and had a sound mind and put her childerns hearts and minds and best wellbeing into concerderation this would not be nearly as hard for me. But due to the situations i find it near impossiable to let my 2 and 3 year old baby girls go with a "stanger" who is on drugs and mentally unstable.

Amanda - posted on 11/15/2011

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I would contact a lawyer personally I would never let someone on drugs around my child much less allow them to be unsupervised. But in order to make sure nothing can come back on you I would talk to a lawyer

[deleted account]

Have her see the kids in a public place where they have a play area. I know it is hard to want to protect your kids, but you do not want them to resent you later on for not allowing them to see the kids--on the other hand you may be able to go to child services and see what you can do so you do not have to put the kids in that situation

Lucinda - posted on 11/15/2011

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I have a situation just like urs... u wanna chat? You'll b so surprised @what im going thru...

Kyleigh - posted on 11/15/2011

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If the mother is pregnant and doing drugs and wants visitation with her 2 and 3 yr old she should be reported CPS if she had them in HER care, I dont believe you can make a report unless the children were in the mothers care while on "drugs." if she did take the children I would report that she is doing drugs while she is pregnant let alone on her visit with the children. Safety is first and foremost, while the mother still has rights to see her children I would be consulting a family law attorney to make sure you stay within your rights as the custodial parent and make sure the attrny assists you in all the right steps (legal way) to go around this and bring up this issue ASAP to the courts.

Jenny - posted on 11/15/2011

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I feel for you and your situation. I totally understand both sides. YOU are their mom and always will be in always that will ever matter. I commend you for wanting to protect them, they are so little and such little sponges at this age, that I too would be scared to death of what they would be exposed to, and what would influence them in their later years. I know your husband may not want to keep them away from their birth mother, but she has made choices that were not in the best intrest of her children, nor has she shown any effort to be apart of their lives. I would be afraid that allowing her into their lives now would cause such a disruption to them, to what they know as their family, that it could do more harm them good to allow them to see her. Your husband grew up with a mother who was a drug addict and was allowed to see her when ever she came around and he grew up to have children with a woman just like that. I would be worried that the kids would grow up to be like her, and not like the loving parents that are with them day and night. My prayers are with you and your family, it will never be an easy choice and you may never know what the right one truely is, but do what you feel is best in your heart to protect them for as long as you can. Blessings to your family

Nayanda - posted on 11/15/2011

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First, someone should call protective services if she is still during drugs and carrying a child. Someone in her family must love her enough to get her some help. You're husband is right but then again he isn't. If this mother is not adding value to her children's lives, until she is sober and in the game, she should not be allowed to see her children. If she was under a doctor's care then I would agree whole heartedly with him and because the children are young and barely remember her, why should what memories they will have of her be negative ones?

Lorrie - posted on 11/15/2011

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I would normally say what evryone is thinking my youngest was 2 when her dad left yes same problem. I never would alow him to see them unsupervised but if he wanted to see them my other children were 5 and 7. Your husband is correct my kids knew I never kept him from them..once he seen them he moved to Florida, never to return. My children spoke on the phone to him from time to time..and I tell them now as Adukts the good times we had because there were good times....Herion is a drug..but a diease and no one grows up saying I want to be a drug addict. let her see the kids...your husband will resent you eventually..and the kids will remember it. Good luck

Kate - posted on 11/15/2011

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The girls mother should not be allowed to see her girls.she ha e that right up when she left them with no word of where she went.she is sick with a disease . Evidently she had not gotten any help.just because she doesn't ha e a fix for a day doesn'tmean shes cured.until she gets help and that you and your husband have proof that she is receiving treatment she can't have any contact. When shred can see them her visits should monitored and supervised. You children are what matter. Not what their mother wants.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/15/2011

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Jodie, you can not force or coerce someone into rehab. They have to WANT to do it.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/15/2011

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Ok, first of all, have you adopted the children? Is that an option? This way you can have some legal say as to what happens with your children.

Unfortunately right now, you need to listen to the dads wishes. After all, biologically or legally, these are not your children (unless you have adopted). I would insist on chaperoned visits only. I have never met my father. I was 11 yrs old when he tried to visit me and my sisters. I found out 10 years ago about this, and was very resentful of the lost chance for MANY years. He dies 5 years after his attempt. It is not your business to keep the mother from the children unless legally obligated to do so,.

Jodie - posted on 11/15/2011

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if you were able to manage scraping together some money, you could offer to pay for her to go to rehab, and THEN allow her visitation, if she wont do that, offer her the same money to go away and sign adoption papers

Barb - posted on 11/15/2011

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I know it's expensive to go to court. My brother wracked up almost $10,000 trying to get his twins away from their mother. Police even found cocaine on the back of her toilet where the girls could have reached it. It was brought up in court and the judge said "just because she has a drug problem doesn't make her a bad parent" wtf?! Leaving it within reach sure does make her a bad parent.

And i'm sorry, but my brother never did get custody of the girls, but fortunately their mom went in a total 180 and found god.

I'm not telling you this to discourage you, that was a california court that decided that. But to encourage you to continue fighting for this kids. Fighting for what is best for them. If you are paying your lawyer, he will continue to represent you, he'll just add more on your bill.

And don't you worry one bit about those kids calling you "mom" because you are.. if she upset and offended by it, you can remind her she did that to herself. It's her drug use that keeps her from being called "mom" by her kids.

RyLee - posted on 11/15/2011

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thank you guys so much this really helps. im gonna call the courts and see how much it would be or what the process would be to get supervised visitation. that seems to be the answer to my questions .thanks alot ladies and im so glad i joined the site.

Kelina - posted on 11/14/2011

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RyLee Defnitely take her back to court, those visits should NOT be unsupervised. I know lawyers are expensive but nothing can brings your babies back if something happens because they're with her. I absolutely agree that they should know their tummy mummy but you are their mom. It's like an adoption, I feel that adopted kids have the right to know they are adopted and if the birth mom wants to know them that's ok too but that doesn't mean their adopted mom is not their mom. What makes a person mom or dad is choosing to be there for your child whether adopted or biological and putting said child first. It doesn't mean being perfect it means putting your babies first. And you are that person.

RyLee - posted on 11/14/2011

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they gave her visitation 2 years ago, but shes never showed up. not a christmas card bday gift nothing. and we plan on taking her back to court. but its expenisve and we are still payin on our lawyer from 2 years ago! i know tho if we would take her back to court with 2 years of her not seeing them i think things would be alot different.

[deleted account]

They gave her visitation 2 years ago? Or recently? Get a new lawyer or a new judge or see about getting this heard in a new town... or something.

Sheesh! I'm sorry you all have to go through this. Especially those babies. I agree w/ the mother having visitations, but only IF it is supervised and IF she is completely sober at the time of the visit.

Good luck w/ it all!!

RyLee - posted on 11/14/2011

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they granted us custody but gave her visitation. CRAZY i know. but thats how it goes. no judge wants to keep kids away from their mothers. plus my husband is black, shes white and we live in a pretty racist town

Katherine - posted on 11/14/2011

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That's just scary. I would appeal that one. WHY wouldn't they drop her?

RyLee - posted on 11/14/2011

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btw we tried the meator thing. she didnt show up. she didnt show up to any of her court dates but the last one, where she tried to represent herself and she was high at the time and the judge still gave her unsupervised visitation every other weekend but shes never showed up.

RyLee - posted on 11/14/2011

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them resenting me is the last thing i want. but im mommy ya know. when they wake up with bad dreams they come to me. when someone hurts their feelings they come to me. its me who does every single bath, hair do, doctors appt parent teacher conferance, bedtime kisses. its me who has to do time outs and its me who feels like pulling my hair out at times i live for them .i have chose to be there mom. and i have done a darn good job teaching them morals and about god. there is nothing i wouldnt do for them. and they love me. expecially the 2 yearold. ive had her since she was a preme. i did the sleepless nights. they were both born with herion in their system and my youngest is a really slow learner do to it. i just feel like she is selfish and misses them and wants to see them but she cant be strong enough and get clean.
and on top of that she talks bad about me and myhusband to them. she has told them things like they wil drown in the bath tub at daddys and there are monsters here. i just wish she could get her life together and stay out of ours. but your right they might resent me for that... who knows.

Katherine - posted on 11/14/2011

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I would get a mediator and have them decide what's best. Or the court decide.

If she is on drugs it may not be a good idea for the kids to see her that way.

You certainly don't want to send them with her, so supervised visits is your only option.

You can't keep them from her. They may end up resenting you later on.

How sad.

RyLee - posted on 11/14/2011

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thanks everyone. he has sole custody, but she was court ordered every other weekend but has never showed up for not one visit in 2 years. its so hard because they call me mom. i just feel like their only mom. she has been almost a complelte non factor in our lives and its so scary that things might change. i just want what ever is best for them but i grew up my whole life with not knowing about my "real" dad. he chose drugs over me and when i became a teenager my mom and my "dad" told me about my biolgical father and i was so thankful that they raised me not knowing about him and with a great dad. i grew up my whole child hood feeling no "void" and i felt loved and privledged that i had two loving parents.... of course i was curious about him and i later found him living across the country but i was glad i was raised the way i was. and i guess i though perhaps that would be the best thing to do in this case too... but my husband grew up with a mother on drugs. and he was always allowed to see her when ever she came around so we just have way different views. i just want whats best! but dont know what it is.

Sherri - posted on 11/14/2011

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I have to agree with your husband. You never want to ever have to tell those girls you kept their mother from them. So just make sure it is supervised visits.

Mindy - posted on 11/14/2011

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Why don't you talk to a counselor about what they think would be the best way to handle it? You could get supervised visitation once a week and that way your husband feels like he hasn't kept her away and maybe you will feel better about it too.

Barb - posted on 11/14/2011

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Oh wow, what a full plate you have been handed and kudos to you for taking it on. It is nothing short of heroic. I'm so sorry for your oldest sdaughter and the loss of her mom.

If you husband wants to let her, could you come to the compromise that the visit is supervised? Is there court ordered visitation guidelines or does he have sole custody?

Maybe this could be a wake up call for her to get better, tell her she cannot see the kids until she goes for treatment and gets healthy.

2 and 3 years old is just so helpless.. i certainly hope your husband understands that and doesn't send them off to her. People don't tend to make the best judgements while high on heroin and i don't think the kids should ever be left alone with her until she gets healthy.

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