please don't judge me....

[deleted account] ( 11 moms have responded )

I have been with my husband for 10 years we have been married for almost 3 years, before we got married my husband cheated on me not once but twice, and that was sexually and he has also talked to other women in sexual ways. well in may of last year I cheated on him sexually with one of his ex co workers. it only happened once but then his ex co worker raped me. my husband knows about the rape but not about the first time when I intentially had sex with him. I need to tell my husband but he said that if he ever found out that I cheated on him that he will leave me, we have 3 children together and I don't want to loose him but its killing me inside..I need to tell him but I'm afraid to, so please ladies don't judge me, please help me....

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Linda - posted on 06/13/2012

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I agree. You do need to tell him. Honesty is the best policy. You made a mistake...you have already paid dearly for it by what followed. Pick the time carefully to tell him. Also, with both of you cheating, you both need to examine your marriage. What is missing? I would suggest counseling for both of you so that you can rebuild the trust in your marriage. If he leaves you over this, then your marriage wasn't really worth saving after all.

[deleted account]

I would suggest that maybe try some counselling and make sure that this all comes out on the table at that time. Not a surprise to you, there are more issues than his or your own cheating, the healing process means that you will have to wade through this stuff.

Emphasize the fact to begin with that his cheating really bothered you and then admit to cheating yourself. Then the ball is in his court and you will have a 3rd party present, to help you both deal with the consequences.

Know that there will be consequences, right, wrong or otherwise. He will be totally justified in what he has done and you will be completely wrong. (In his eyes). We know that you have paid in pain already, but he WILL want to inflict his own punishment. (I don't know why, I just know that is the way it is.)

We are here for you and will support in any way we can. Best of luck and keep your chin up. Sometimes life hands us lemons.

Tina - posted on 06/14/2012

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marriage or not it's still cheating. Having kids kids together is as important as a piece of paper. I understand you wanting to save your marriage but you have to be honest and let him make the choice what he wants to do. That's what i'd want if it were me. It may hurt but it would be worse if I found out through someone else. It would make it even harder to trust that person. He may find out whether you tell him or not.

[deleted account]

Whether you were married on paper or just living together and had a child, you were in effect married. You just had not had a public celebration. To be married is to have sex with the other person. Our society only looks at the 3x5 piece of paper that says a judge or minister was present and declared the actions of verbally professing your love and intentions. In reality when you have sex with someone it is a marriage. The point of the 3x5 paper is moot!

Sexting and calling other women is tantamount to cheating, so quit beating yourself up. It is another moot point. The intention is the same. STOP giving him excuses to be a jerk.

As for the drifting apart, that is a two-way street. Yes, if you are not completely honest with each other the relationship will travel different paths. Even if you are completely honest and he is not, he will be left with the same feeling. The honesty has to be on both sides for both of you to stop feeling like you are drifting.

Don't be all self-righteous when you do "come clean" there are still things that need to be worked on. The only person you can change is you, but that doesn't make you "better" than he, only human. This will be a step towards mending things. Whatever happens after that will determine which way the relationship goes.

This is all very hard work. Never let your defenses down, there will always be issues to be worked on, but the truth of it is, if you are working on things together, it will be somewhat easier, because you both know that you are in it together.

Tina - posted on 06/13/2012

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it works both ways if it's good for one party why not the other he's a hypocrite anyway especially if he leaves just make sure you have someone you can trust around a shoulder to cry on when you decide to tell him he may not be sympathetic. It's better to come from you than someone else though.

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Dove - posted on 06/13/2012

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So... pay attention to my first sentence and ignore the rest of my post then. It's your life. The man has been cheating on you since before you got married and has never stopped (sexting IS cheating), so if you want to live like that... have at it.

[deleted account]

y do I want to say this marriage? for one we have 3 kids together and I know that doesn't mean anything but to me it does.. and for 2 I love him and I don't want to be with any other man, and if he is willing to stay with me after I tell him what happened and he is also will to change his ways too then I am all for saving my marriage...

Dove - posted on 06/13/2012

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Why would you want to save this marriage? This man does NOT sound worth a single second more of your time. If you do want to save the marriage then you both need to be in counseling (separate and together) and you both need to be completely honest with each other. If you are both willing to do that then your marriage might have a chance. If not, it's already over and just a matter of time before you both know it.

[deleted account]

thank you ladies I couldn't hardly sleep last nite due to the fact of wanting to tell him now, but he works out of town for 2 weeks at a time so I am tryin my hardest to wait till he comes home...but neways I forgot to add that when he cheated sexually we was only dating and not married ( but we had 1 child at the time together)..so he said that if he ever found out that I cheated while we was married then we would leave me,cause its worse now that we r married. my councler told me never to tell him and I have kept it in for a little over a year now and its killing me inside, my husband said it feels as if we r drifting apart and I feel the same, and I think alot has to do with the fact that I'm not being completely honest with him. my husband is my first sexual partner I have never had sex with anyone else until that day with the man that had then turned around and raped me a few days later. so I think that i just wanted to see how it felt to be with someone else thats y i had sex with the man, and now I regret it so much and wish it would have never happened but it did and I can't change that now.but to add a lil more about my husband situation since we have been married i have caought him texting(sexting)and calling other women, he told me its to fill his void so how am I to know that he didn't have or plan on having sex with them. so really what right does he have to leave me over my mistake?

Stifler's - posted on 06/13/2012

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I would tell him you cheated out of spite and then leave. Screw him.

Michelle - posted on 06/13/2012

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I think it's very unfair for him to say he'll leave you if you cheated but it's OK for him to cheat on you.

I really dislike people that have double standards, especially when it's in a relationship. He may also just be saying that he would leave but not actually do it. If you need to tell him then that's what you'll have to do and then deal with the repercussions later. I would let him know that you stuck by him after he cheated though.

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