Please Dont judge..

Mariah A - posted on 08/09/2012 ( 36 moms have responded )

4

0

0

I'll be 18 in dec with a 3 child on the way my daughter will be 3 in january my son just turned 1 in july nd im expecting one jan 4th im really scared about the future i recently got my cna and i still cant find a job for nothing nd im still working on school , i need some advice from someone who can relate.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Denikka - posted on 08/09/2012

2,160

5

749

The first bit of advice I can give you is to stop having sex. Any sex. Birth control fails and you have more than enough on your plate right now without the risk of a fourth child. I know that may sound condescending and mean, it's not meant to be. You need to focus and put your energy into yourself and raising your children, not into any guy or relationships.

Secondly, I don't know what CNA is. Even after Google-ing it, I'm not sure.
You need to focus on school most importantly. You say that you're working on it, and that's great. Don't let yourself get distracted. Besides your children, your school is most important. Finish your grade 12 (or equivalent, I'm not sure where you are) and at least look into college being an option.

Work is a tricky thing. The job market fluctuates from town to town and from season to season. September is usually a big hiring time because the student workers are going back to school. Over the summer is MUCH more difficult to find work. Apply anywhere and everywhere. Don't feel you're too good to start at the bottom (I've known many people like that, it's not a judgement on you :) ) If cleaning toilets at a fast food joint is the only job you can find, take it. You can also look into doing some minor self employment. Mowing lawns, babysitting, etc. It's not much, but it's something you can put on your resume.
Speaking of, make sure you HAVE a resume. Spiff it up a bit. There are lots of sites out there that will give you templates and ideas on how to make your resume more attractive.
Call employers back. Especially if you get an interview. Give it a few days, or a week, then call in and let them know that you're still very interested in the job. It shows initiative.
You should also look into benefits. I don't know where you are or what your financial support system is, but there are many benefits available to people in need, especially young/single mothers. Money is money, and even though it may hurt your pride to accept hand outs, your kids don't care where the food on the table comes from. They just care that there IS food on the table. Use the resources that are available to you for their intended purpose; to get you on your feet and to start your kids out on the best path possible.

You need to believe in yourself. You have chosen a VERY difficult road for yourself. But it's not impossible. You're just going to have to work extra hard at everything. That's what it's really going to take. A LOT of hard work. There's going to be a lot of long hours, times where you just want to give up. Remind yourself that you're doing it for your kids. Remind yourself that you want to be better, get an education, etc so that you're a good role model for them. So that you don't end up as just another statistic, another young mom who gave up and leached off the system. You CAN do. You're just gonna need to push, HARD, to get where you want and to have what you want.

I wish you the best of luck. The most difficult journeys are the ones where we learn the most.

Jodi - posted on 08/11/2012

3,518

36

3906

Jesus Christ, I was NOT judging. You people need to grow some. I was making the comment that it is so extremely unlikely that if you are using BOTH a hormonal AND a barrier method of birth control PROPERLY, AT the SAME time, then it is HIGHLY unlikely that you can get pregnant THREE TIMES!!!!! That is a statistical FACT people.



Here, I'll spell it out for you. Hormonal birth control, used PROPERLY fails only 1% of the time. That's right, 1%. More often than not, people who are on hormonal birth control who claim they still got pregnant, have likely missed one, not taken it on time, or been ill while taking it. That is considered not using it properly.



Then, you have condoms, which fail 5% of the time. Whether that be because they break or because they are not used properly (and let's face it, inexperience is a big factor in this).



Now, multiply those two percentages, and if you are using those TWO methods of birth control at the same time, the CHANCES of getting pregnant ONCE are 0.05% (highly unlikely). Each of the 3 times used properly? I don't think so. BUT there is still a very small (MINUTE) possibility, in which case......the advice was, stop having intercourse, or find other ways of mutual gratification.



I fail to see how pointing that out is judging anyone. If anything, you'd think it would be helpful.



Now, if I'd called her a slut, THAT would have been judgemental.

Jacquie - posted on 08/10/2012

6

0

0

I really dont like to see anyone saying anything about this girl not useing birth control properly. I also conceived all 3the of my children on birth control. I had the third when i was 21 and married so granted my situation is different but it does happen. I made the choice to have my tubes tied to prevent further pregnancy.as for your situation mahriah, just keep trying things will work out if you try hard enough, it may take time but i can say it does get better. Good luck hun

Jodi - posted on 08/11/2012

3,518

36

3906

Actually, calling people idiots is a violation of NO THUMPS guidelines on this website. And to be honest, name calling doesn't come across as terribly intelligent on your part either. Name calling is something people do when they have nowhere else to go, and no real valid debate.

Terra - posted on 08/10/2012

1

0

0

Do you belong to a church? Seek the help of others, members of your church community should be compassionate and can help in different ways especially when your new baby comes along. Do trust in the Lord and yes pray, pray a lot! God will answer your prayers and god willing a job will fall in place and you will have the strength to raise your growing family. Best of luck, keep your head up.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

36 Comments

View replies by

Angela - posted on 08/11/2012

10

0

0

yeah and using the language you just did shows real intelligence especially when you are judging someone you have never met. In big letters it says please do not judge and this smart person that you are brings no positive advice at all simply judgement.

Angela - posted on 08/11/2012

10

0

0

Anne and jodi= uneducated idiots. Now I gave you my opinion of you two. how does it feel?

Anne - posted on 08/11/2012

11

0

0

ANGELA, SO FAR i HAVE NOT SEEN (1) JUDGEMENTAL ANSWER, I think everyone has been trying to be helpful and encouraging, if someone states the COLD REAL FACT does that spell judgement in your eyes????

Roxanna - posted on 08/11/2012

110

53

16

Ladies, let's re read her title " Please do not Judge..." She is asking for help and advaice and encouragement. Not to be told to close up the honey pot or get disbelief about birthcontrol not working.
At 22 years old I was told I could not get pregnant due to a problem with fibriods. I was place on the pill to help me out. My then boyfriend, who didn't want children in the first place, was fine with the idea of not having children until he rose up in his carreer in the military. At 24 years old I welcomed my first child after having had a miscarriage not three months after my diagnoses of fibriods. And then I had TWO more miscarriage and still birth in a period of three years all the while taking two forms of birth control. We even tried the rhythm method and I still got pregnant This caused much strain in my marriege. When we broke up, It was a long time before I could "be" with someone for the fear of getting pregnant again. I was with my second fiancee for three years, one tubal, one miscarriage. Condoms AND the pill. That relationship did not work either. Husband number two at 34 years old, one birth to a live baby, one tubal, three miscarriages. ALL WITH BIRTH CONTROL. Tubal is not an option as with all my health problems it would only make it worse. My husband chose to get a vasectomy and if we want another child, we will adopt. DON'T JUDGE!

Mariah, stay strong and please follow up with us, we want to hear of your success. I cannot add any more to the positive advice you have received. Good luck, good things come to those who wait!

Lesley - posted on 08/11/2012

4

0

0

p.s. i also got pregnant with all of my kids whilst using birth control, and on one occasion i also used a condom because bc had failed with the first two pregnancies, then managed to go 13 years without getting pregnant using withdrawl and avoiding sex on ovation week, so i guess its just the luck of the draw :)

Lesley - posted on 08/11/2012

4

0

0

omg! i can't believe some of these answers!

but anyway i had three kids by the time i was 21 and the harsh fact is you can't work, not yet anyway, babies need their mum, get this pregnancy out of the way, work on your education then worry about work, you can only do so much without burning out and then you will be no good to your kids or anyone else.

don't know much about your domestic situation, but i didn't have much help and managed to get a degree and then a decent job and good standard of living for us all. you obviously want to improve your situation and wanting to means your half way there :)

best wishes to you and you little ones.

Vernet - posted on 08/11/2012

31

25

0

Girl i feel for you and your situation, but like everyone said dont give up!!! Im pregnant right now (due nov) and i found myself having 2 go and find a job while going 2 school full time b/c of my finances. It was hard but i found one. Actually Im working at my school through the work study program. I dont know what state ur in but check with your financial aid office at your school and see if they have something like that. It doesnt pay much but at least its something and b/c its by semester they really had no problem with me being pregnant. Good luck to you sweetie!!

Mary - posted on 08/11/2012

3

0

0

I am a mother of 5, I had my last 3 in under three years. I can relate to having 3 under 3. As a mom at any stage with 3 under 3 take a deep breath, REFUSE to panic, ask God for wisdom of what to do, what not to do, and make a decision to realize that all things happen for a reason. When God sent my second child unexpectedly, (not because we planned him like the first one is really what I mean). He was conceived during a crisis in my life. God sent a very smart older woman into my life, with the encouraging words of "God sends some of his most shiniest stars into our lives when we least expect it and they will shine out in our lives in ways that we will be pleasantly surprised." Now, I held on to that even though I probably half believed it. Since then, that particular child(25 yrs) has done so many things that have both surprised me and blessed me by his courage and boldness, and he is the clown of our family all around...
So with that said. 1. I pray that you will have peace about this and for those around you, 2. This child is a blessing, so just say thank you to God for this wild ride of a situation, 3. Make a decision to enjoy this time in this pregnancy because it will be over before you know it, then you know that the real mothering work begins, 4. Keep track of your time for 1 week to see where you can carve out time for your education and make the decision to commit this time to yourself, because you need to educate yourself in order to raise the next generation to believe that education opens doors of opportunities. 5. Believe that you can do this and don't try to be a Superwoman, Supermom....make sure that you take rests when you need to... a 15 minute power nap can do wonders for a mom who can commit herself to applying that to her life. 6. Children who do not take naps(i.e.my 25year old at 2yrs) still need a rest time with a book and or book on CD or some quiet activity on their bed(which is their room) but the bed is the boundary. They can not get off the bed. AND You go girl! You can do this!

Missie - posted on 08/11/2012

14

0

0

I was on the pill, using condoms and also spermicidal foam and STILL got pregnant with our second son. Nothing is fool proof except abstinence. But what is done is done, no sense in fussing over it now. I bet she has enough on her plate without the extra fussing at her, no?

Lacye - posted on 08/11/2012

889

0

221

Carrie: I have gone back and not once has anybody called her children or her pregnancy a mistake. There have been plenty of comments telling her to find birth control that will work for her or to practice abstinence. Nobody is judging her. We are all just trying to find a way to help her.

Carrie - posted on 08/11/2012

2

0

0

First, to all those responding, a child is NEVER a mistake! I am so glad this young lady is giving her babies LIFE, and seeking the help from strangers, means she is asking for help, not condemnation (as she says in her title).

It may get rough at times, but you WILL make it through. Hang in there. I will pray for you, your baby, and for you to get a job.

User - posted on 08/11/2012

4

0

0

I know it might sound weird but I would take a peak on Kijij I hate to say that. But there are tons of people looking for a baby sitter, I'm sure you could find people in your area. That way you can do it on weekends or evenings. That way it wont interfear with your children and your studies.
Even places like career edge will help you, with not only a job but child care options as well.
I know things are hard right now but somehow it all eneds up working out in the end. :)
Try to stay stong and ignore the nasty comemnts from bystanders. People who have never walked a day in your shoes. They don't matter. You matter, and your children matter.
;) Just don't quite.

Nina - posted on 08/11/2012

3

0

0

well, u have gotten all the advice u need. Pls after your baby is born, u have glue up ur honey pot in any way u can. Getting a job will not be easy especially with the kids but u have to concentrate on ur studies for now. If u belive in God he will see u through only ask for mercy and the grace to carry on.

Angela - posted on 08/11/2012

10

0

0

I do believe that there are a lot of ignorant, judgmental replies to this and it is not so helpful unless you have walked a day in her shoes. Condoms break and not all birth control is full proof. Anyways I think it shows that you are motivated to try to find a solution. The truth is take any assistance you can find and get the father to help with the children if possible. Take a deep breath and relax. Your children are a blessing and its a good thing you are concerned for their future. Do the best you can but understand no one expects you to be perfect. You are still young and deserve help from family,friends and the father of these children. Don't push yourself too hard and do what you can. If you can go talk to an advisor at your college and see what they suggest. Overall, I give you credit for taking responsibility for your children. Most importantly never give up on your goals because your children will help you push forward to complete them.

Holly - posted on 08/11/2012

61

18

0

Oh a CNA job while pregnant has to be tough. Both getting one and carrying out one. Are you considering a higher up nursing field job? I mean being a CNA is hard. I've had friends and even a sister start out that way just so they can get jobs then they start climbing the nursing latter. The difference between the bottom, CNA, and the usual RNA is pretty significant pay wise. Actually I'd say that is pry a huge understatement. I'd really consider doing your best to get as high up as you can. I mean you can even get a degree for medical coding which pays alot more than being a CNA and then after that maybe hospital administration. That is why I'd really recommend trying your hardest to get above that CNA.

If you aren't getting help from the fathers I'd suggest applying for childcare assistance so you can go to school easier. Really in the scheme of life getting a better degree is the best long term solution to life. Sure it's hard as hell but you are already on your way if you have or are getting your CNA.

You can do this though. I've watched several friends be in similar situations as you are and with working their butts off by 30 they are all doing great. Sure when they started out it looked bleak but for instance my sister now has degrees aside from her CNA in medical coding and hospital administration. She isn't cleaning up room and changing diapers anymore she's now running several doctors offices. If you'd told her that 10 years ago she'd never have believed you I bet. She did most of that online too! She now has her third finally on the way because well she finally feels prepared. So I KNOW you can do this.

Just keep your head up and put one foot in front of the other every single day. Before you know it you'll look back and see how far you've come.

Lyn - posted on 08/10/2012

12

16

0

Ok I've been the young mother, our situations are different in ways but parallel in others. Here is just a few thoughs. I don't know where you live, but i'm sure the hospital and where you get prenatal care they may have a social worker that can assist you. Focus on your health first and the baby. Right now you won't be able to get a job at this time. Ge super organized and get the kids on a schedule if you haven't. After that get your GED, you cant study and prepare if the kids are running around with no schedule. If you have family helping you get thm to help. By tiem the baby is born you will have your GED and be organized and ready. Then take some time off with three little ones under the age of three it will be very difficult unless you have mass support. But while you are taking down time to raise those beautiful babies go back to school you got the nurses aid traing try going for medical assisting or phlebotomy you can make more money and it will be a step towards something bigger. One baby step at a time. Im a nurse now and it only took 20years, meaning life happened along the way. But it took being a cosmetologist a nurse aid a medical assistant/phlebotomist . One day at a time and a prayer

Susan - posted on 08/10/2012

4

12

0

If you are in the Cape area, Monticello House is always looking for good CNA s. Just sayin.

Cheyene - posted on 08/10/2012

5

15

1

You do have a lot on your plate girl ..But you are also a strong woman and a mom. This job we have is not for sissies! Stay in school and work anywhere you can. I know a few people said this too but if you have family and friends willing to help you, take it. Be a role model to your babies and have a happy life. All the best to you girly!!

Angela - posted on 08/10/2012

149

15

18

i have a friend in same situation. 3 kids by 18. 18 yrs later her oldest just graduated. hang in there. cna jobs are easy to get. just got to find a facility willing to take a chance on you being prego and working. try in home care also. doesnt pay as much but alot less lifting for now and then reapply to facilities after the baby with experience and can demand more money.
good luck with everything.

Lisa - posted on 08/10/2012

1

1

0

I'm sure you'll pull through - most mothers do, single or not. I'm a single mother, when my youngest came home I had 5 kids under the age of 8. I also had major issues with BC and ended up having a full hysterectomy aged 29, due to abnormal smears (PAP tests) and finding no contraception that worked for me.

Job wise - it's impossible for me to work for an employer, 2 of my kids are disabled and I have no family help at all, their fathers (one is father of elder 4, youngest has a different dad) do sod all to help - they don't pay me any cash. But I manage, because i set up my own business, working from home. OK, not everyone can, but if you really want to work, sometimes you have to create your own job and not look for an employer to hire you. Be pro-active, look for opportunities that work around your childcare commitments.

And also, never ever give up - whatever life throws at you, just keep on going, despite it feeling really scary and awful at times you just have to get on with it. Nobody else can do it for you.

Anne - posted on 08/10/2012

11

0

0

Dear Mariah,
please please get yourself some help from a teen mums support group. If your family is supportive please encourage them to stand by your side and please please what about the father of these children? is he involved?? he needs to be accountable, if its a result of multiple sexual contacts you need COUNCILLING as to the realisation that not every relationship needs to result in the birth of a child. You are still not much more than a child yourself and bringing up children is a FULL TIME COMMITMENT. My heart goes out to your situation but I hope you'll get the required assistance to get yourself through this also the precious innocent lives that you've brought and are bringing into this world. CONTRACEPTION, CONTRACEPTION CONTRACEPTION...... I applaud you for getting your CNA certification!

Julie (jules) - posted on 08/10/2012

2

0

0

Hello, i just wanted you to know it does get better..times are tough right now but in the end it gets better... i had 2 boys by age 18 and a third at 22.. now both boys are out of high school and joined the army both are fine young men and my third is in JR high and pulling straight A's... it possible as a single mother to raise good kids.. focus on them as much as as you can... things will work out in the end just love them babies and try not to stress so much on money.. there is plenty on help out there in the form of government help and family to help you get on your feet.... good luck...

Jacquie - posted on 08/10/2012

6

0

0

Im not saying it shouldnt be said. Im just saying it does happen. I happened to have reactions to all the bc i tried and they stopped working after about a yr of being on them. And being critisized myself without people knowing the facts, well i know it sucks. Things do happen. But thats why i got my tubes tied. I just feel bad for the girl. She has chosen an incredibly hard life and i hope it all works out for her

Jodi - posted on 08/10/2012

3,518

36

3906

Jacquie, no-one is suggesting her birth control is not failing. But come on. Birth control AND condoms? Something isn't working, and getting pregnant using BOTH a hormonal AND a barrier method is extremely unlikely. In which case, you either have to figure out the problem, or stop having sex. I fail to see why that is something that shouldn't be said.

Sandy - posted on 08/10/2012

243

64

7

Breathe. Hope you can find work soon. Keep looking. Don't give up. There is work out there. There is nothing wrong with flipping burgers or cleaning toilets to pay the bills until something better comes along. Keep looking for something better until you can tell yourself, "This life I have is pretty good right now." If you can get help in some way fro someone, like family or friends, accept it, but don't take advantage of it. The important thing is having food and shelter for your children. Sometimes, you can't be super picky about a job. You don't have to be, as long as you keep looking for what you earned. Best of luck to you and your children.
Oh, and stop having sex for a while. ☺

Jodi - posted on 08/09/2012

3,518

36

3906

Then you need to figure out how to use both properly, because it is highly unlikely that you would get pregnant 3 times taking birth control AND using condoms. I find this incredibly difficult to believe. But I also agree with the others, if this IS what is happening to you, you need to stop the sex, or find other ways of mutual satisfaction, because what you are doing right now is not working for you.

Mariah A - posted on 08/09/2012

4

0

0

Well i was on birth control and we used a condom. But thanks for the advice .

Lacye - posted on 08/09/2012

889

0

221

Mariah, Medicaid has this thing called Family Planning that I'm pretty sure you will be able to qualify for. You need to get on it. They will help you with birth control, pap smears, breast exams and other things. You can go to your local Medicaid office and get an application for it. But please keep in mind that birth control is not entirely fool proof! Even with BC you can still get pregnant. Right now you need to focus on you and your kids. Are you in a steady relationship? If not then you need to put guys on a back burner for a while. If you are, you need to talk to your partner about either less sex or trying to be more careful.

Kristin - posted on 08/09/2012

356

0

92

I had this problem...looking for a job while pregnant in my 2nd trimester. No one would hire me because I would need time off so soon after I got thee job. I was over qualified in some interviews and should have easily been hired, but that bump on my stomach closed doors quickly.

You have to look at it for an employers view. Where ever you went to school at, go back and ask for help with job placement. Or apply for any job at all, not just in the can field.

Louise - posted on 08/09/2012

5,429

69

2321

You have chosen a tought life for yourself honey. I hope the father is pulling his weight and supporting you and the children. You are so young and have such a heavy burden bringing up three children, you need as much help as you can get. Hopefully your parents are helping where they can and also his family. Go to an advice centre and see if you are entitled to any financial aid at all and apply for it. Go to the school and ask for help with study or childcare and and above all rest when you can and deligate jobs out for willing helpers to help you with. Life is going to be hard for you to begin with so be prepared for the long haul. I hope you have a loving family that supports you as you are going to need them. Good luck to you, and please please protect yourself and your childrens future by using long term birth control when this baby is born.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms