Please help

Heather - posted on 09/12/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Im just in need of very good advice befor I make the wrong choice. I was with my ex for almost a year, there was constant severe emotional abuse an at times physical abuse. I felt very alone an scared to try an fight back. I couldnt take it no more an on july 30 I changed my number an moved wit my dad. Three weeks later I found that I was pregnant an im now 3 months on friday. I dont know if I should tell him or not. I see all thes cuples,my frends included, an I want that. I dnt want my baby to not have or get to know ther daddy. But with risk of him stealing my child scares me. I love tha person he was wen he wasnt mean to me but i fill like I need him by my side. What can I do??

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Bobbie - posted on 09/12/2012

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It's me again :) I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about you saying "I love the person he was when he wasn't being mean to me and I feel I need him by my side". So I want you to see things from a different perspective.

Let's say he was puppy that you brought home. He was so cute, playful, loveable and was so much fun to be around. He was great to walk around the neighborhood as he got older and you felt so safe and loved by him. He would bark at you sometimes and you wouldn't know why but that was no big deal to you. You had invested so much time into him. He was great when he was with you, most of the time. Then one day you gently pull on his leash to guide him in a different direction. He turns on you and growls. He pulls you to go in the direction he wants to go. You think, well, no big deal. It dawns on you that you pretty much have always allowed him to guide you where he wanted to go. So pulling his leash upset him, it was your fault and you know he didn't mean to growl. Soon however you realize that it doesn't matter what you say, your mood, or how you treat him, he will treat you good when he wants to and bite at you when he doesn't. You don't know when he will snap because of things in his yard. So you put him in a pen and decide he can't be trusted around you or your little ones. Day after day he whimpers to you, he wags his tail and pleads for you to again walk him and let him into the house. As soon as you let him back in he is so thankful, he is sweet and calm and always walks by your side, until, the day that you pull that leash again to guide him where he should go rather than where he wants to go and he snaps.

Nikki - posted on 09/12/2012

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she gave to wonderful advice heather once a man abuses you in anyway mama there never going to change maybe the good times were good maybe even better wonderful but u cant tell us the bad times wernt bad they had to have been for you to leave.. u just need comany u need love i was alone for my hole pregnacy and trust me it was so hard to not have the man you love and the father of your baby a friend helped me though it mom thats all you need is someone to talk to you help you threw it i am 22 years old had my baby 19 i was yound alone for the most part but i am willing to write you talk to you when things get hard convince you to stay when u wanna go i did go back to him even after he denied my daughter while i was pregnate and i keep thinking he was going to change and we would be a happy family he just slept with me and took me home that was the lowest i have ever felt and i was done that was my last straw how could a man that i love do that to me so when she was born i did it all alone of course with the help of my family and friends and now she is three and he had only seen her a couple times and everyone said get child support and her i an 3 years later with a man i have been with since she was 1 and im soo happy with a new lil baby on the way mamma its like this you have to be treated like she tooken atvange of be so low and pick your self up cause when you find love its going to be all worth it.. and your going to soon thank that peice of shit cause now you know what a real man is like...we can be friends

Bobbie - posted on 09/12/2012

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Please consider your voice of reason that had you move away while you were strong. In times of weakness he was able to manipulate you into putting up with his behaviors. A woman who knows her true self worth is wise to stay clear of danger she has witnessed first hand.

I understand you don't want to be alone. He however has made it impossible for you to be with him without giving up your dignity, self esteem and perhaps even your safety. So in this case being alone is the very better choice. Besides, you are just 3 months along. So much time to get adjusted to your new surroundings and maybe even date a nice guy or two before you begin to show. My sister met her husband when she went on a date though she was 3 months pregnant. They really hit it off. Within weeks of that date he was asking her out again though he knew by then she was going to have a baby. You aren't sick, or bedridden, you have life to live. Go out there and live it. Don't look back, it is a bad place to look for any kind of relationship. Don't put his name on the birth certificate either. This will permanently remove him from any rights to even see your baby or have anything to do with you. Please know that men that use force and words to hurt you will do many things to get to you and back at you without a thought to how it will hurt or endanger a child.

You were right to move away. Continue to be strong. You not only will be able to do this but you won't be alone. When people around you see your strength and your resolve to keep both yourself and your baby safe they will rally to be there for you.

Walk into any church when you are feeling weak or alone. The minister or pastor will take time to show you care and guide you back to your resolve to be strong.

Just so you know, I had an abusive boyfriend who followed me. I had to get an order of protection against him. I say do the same if he shows up. Baby or no baby, he has no rights to you or to the child. I wouldn't discuss the baby with him for any reason. He doesn't get to know that you are pregnant. He doesn't get to have any power of you. He has no right to even speak to you and cry that he wants to be a daddy. Don't believe him for a moment. The less time you give him to talk the less chance he has of using that "soft side" to get you to consider his feelings. DON'T MISTAKE IT FOR LOVE IF HE FOLLOWS YOU. HE HAS ALREADY PROVEN HIS INABILITY TO LOVE YOU WHEN HE PUT HIS HANDS ON YOU AND SPOKE TO YOU WITH SUCH DISREGARD. He may come after you when he feels lonely and no one near him will put up with his crap. He may try to find you only because you put up with it before and he feels he knows all the "baby I need you and love you" tricks to win you back.

ALWAYS REMEMBER: you and you alone are responsible for your actions. He is responsible for all his actions. His actions have spoken loud and clear to what kind of man he is. Walk away for good!

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