please help

Melissa Dawn - posted on 06/28/2014 ( 19 moms have responded )

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What do I need to do to stop or change my ex boyfriends visitations with my son after I married to a soldier? My son doesn't want to go to his dads any more. He is 10 yrs old.

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Lisa - posted on 06/28/2014

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Once your son reaches the "age of reason", usually at 13 years old (check the law in your state), he can decide not to visit with his father. This does not mean your ex can discontinue paying child support, although he probably will, and you will have to go to court to enforce payment. If your ex is willing to give up his parental rights, your son would not have to see him, but your ex would not have to pay child support any longer. Hope this helps!

Jodi - posted on 07/08/2014

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Lisa, I am not sure what your issues is, but Shawnn was not responding to your post, she was responding to Melissa's issue. I'm not seeing anywhere that she told you that you recommended withholding visitation. She didn't, in fact, address your post at all. I think you need to take a chill pill.

Ev - posted on 07/07/2014

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Ms. Outland--

Shawnn is not nasty. Its just the way the tone comes across when someone reads a message. She is only stating what is what in general and what can happen if certain steps are applied to situations. I agree with her thoughts. You can take it or leave it as it is. No one is attacking you or the OP on here. This place has a lot of people that come to read these things and leave their answers. None of us are going to like everything we read here. That is just how it is.

Ev - posted on 07/07/2014

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I have to agree with Shawnn. I have read a bunch of her posts on this subject and others. She has posted the same thing here as she has on other posts of the same issue. She is right though. It may come out in a tone you do not like but you have to remember that this is a site that goes international and a lot of people from THE WORLD see this place and also post answers to questions. You will not like every answer you see or how it sounds. Its just the way it is.

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Jodi - posted on 07/09/2014

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I think you are reading WAY too much into Shawnn's initial response. But YOU own your perception and interpretation of what she said, not her, so stop arguing with her over your perception of her post (in which she didn't address you at all). No-one said you didn't have the right to express your thoughts to the OP. But stop hijacking Melissa's post because you are butt hurt over your own perceptions.

Lisa - posted on 07/09/2014

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If a person chooses to repeatedly post e-mails with a nasty tone, then that individual should expect to be perceived as just that: nasty. Just as you do, I have the right to my own impression of Ms. Lively, and the right to express my thoughts. You don't have to agree with me, and I don't have to agree with you. I believe you said "None of us are going to like everything we read here. That is just how it is". That goes both ways.

Jodi - posted on 07/09/2014

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Lisa, give it a rest. This is Melissa's conversation and question and you have totally hijacked it. This isn't about you or your opinions. You gave your opinion to the OP. Shawnn gave her opinion to the OP. Both are valid and no-one said they weren't. I'm sure the OP values both opinions.

I am now going to give my opinion to the OP. Shawnn is right, it truly depends on where you live as to when your child may have a say in whether he must go to his father.

I will expand on that by saying that right now, your son is 10 and he doesn't get that choice. However, it may be worth exploring why he doesn't want to go and trying to find a way to encourage him to be more positive about it. We shouldn't assume that a 10 year old who doesn't want to go to dad's house is about dad, but it might be that the rules are just different, in which case, as a good parent, you need to help him understand that there will always be different rules in different places in life, and we just have to learn to adjust.

And Lisa, nowhere in giving a different opinion to the OP am I attacking yours. A differing opinion does not equal attack.

However, I will say that it is highly inappropriate of you to attack the person when you disagree with the opinion.

Lisa - posted on 07/09/2014

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Ms. Lively: You repeatedly refer to my "ATTACKS" on your posts. You apparently have a persecution complex. I don't give a rat's behind about you, or your opinions, on any topic whatsoever. If I find your posts to be nasty, in either tone or content, I can, and will, express that opinion. You are of no significance to me, and have no impact on my life. If you feel the need to vindicate yourself, because of my comments, please, continue. Methinks thou doth protest too much! LOL!!!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/08/2014

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Ms. Outland: Good grief. You will get a notification because someone has responded to THE THREAD IN GENERAL. It doesn't mean that they've responded to your SPECIFIC POST.

As you can see, when I want to respond to a SPECIFIC POST, I will state that in the VERY FIRST TWO WORDS OF MY RESPONSE.

Thus, THIS particular response was directly to you. THE FIRST ONE? THE ONE YOU ATTACKED???? Wasn't.

Lisa - posted on 07/08/2014

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Pardon me. I assume that when I receive an e-mail, stating that "Shawwn Lively responded to your post", that she has done so. Repeatedly. As far as "what my issues is", I does not have none, LOL!!! I have a grip, and a life. Perhaps you should consider obtaining the same. And a dictionary.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/08/2014

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Ms. Outland, nowhere in my initial response did I in ANY way refer to your response, yet you chose to attack MY response.

Get a grip. If you don't like reading what the very real consequences COULD BE, you simply don't have to read my response. It is doing a disservice to people to NOT disclose all possible outcomes.

Lisa - posted on 07/07/2014

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Ms. Lively & Ms. Witt,
The point is, I DID NOT RECOMMEND WITHOLDING VISITATION!!!!! I simply said that Melissa's son would have the right to decide whether or not to continue to see his biological father ONCE HE REACHED THE AGE OF REASON, USUALLY AT 13!!! I also advised that Melissa check the legal statute in her state, regarding that age. Shawwn then went nuts, with all of the possible consequences of witholding visitation, and how a ten-year-old could not make that decision, without going through the courts, and the legal consequences to the mother, if she chose to withold visitation. Pretty strange, considering I never suggested doing so. As far as "tone" goes, it doesn't matter if people around the world, around the U.S., or just in our state, are reading this. Are you suggesting that other cultures appreciate nastiness, and disdain a polite way of dispensing information? Wow.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/07/2014

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I will not apologize for clearly stating what ALL consequences could be of withholding visitation, Ms. Outland.

You failed to explain why you took me to task for stating fact.

Just because I mirrored your response to some extent means nothing at all, and has no bearing on your response to me. No one has to LIKE what they see posted, but I refuse to sugar coat the situation to anyone, be they young, old, or in between.

Lisa - posted on 07/03/2014

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Ms. Lively, I believe I told Melissa that her son would have the right to decide not to see his father, at approximately age 13, and advised her to check the law regarding the legal age in her state. I did NOT say she should terminate visitation before that time. If there is a legal custody agreement, than she certainly would have to go through the court system to amend it. This little boy now has a complete family with his mom and her new husband, and he's a bit young to understand the legal ramifications of custody agreements. The ex-boyfriend/father, to whom I give kudos for continuing to be a part of his son's life, is probably doing nothing wrong. I would think that if he were, Melissa would have already taken steps to have Child Protective Services look into it. If there was a finding, she would have used that information to discontinue visitation, or have only supervised visits with the father. I think she would have mentioned it. Your current post just demonstrates that you did not actually read mine before responding. Why would I "attack" your post(s) for not being supportive? Because they all have a threatening tone, "You may risk losing custody of your child!" There is a way to state the facts, without frightening the bejesus out of the young mom asking for help.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/02/2014

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Lisa Outland, what was the point of your response to me? The facts as they stand are the only way for a child of 10 to be allowed to decide whether or not he visits his father is through the decision of the courts.

In most areas in the US that I'm aware of the age of determination is around 13. Before that age, the matter of visitation should always be revisited through the legal system.

If a custodial parent randomly determines to end visitation because the kid doesn't want to go, the REASON that the kid doesn't want to go needs to be addressed. If there's a concern it needs to be investigated, but that still doesn't give the custodial parent the sole determination about whether or not visitation continues. The matter is still a legal matter, and should be decided by the courts, so that the custodial parent does not violate the standing court orders and perhaps risk losing sole custody of the child.

What's wrong with that being clearly stated? Why do you deem that as not being SUPPORTIVE????

And why do you choose to attack my post in that manner?

Lisa - posted on 07/01/2014

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Ms. Lively, I believe that "Circle of Moms" is intended to be a SUPPORTIVE network of mothers, a concept which is clearly foreign to you. I'm sorry for your obviously miserable circumstances, and for the fact that you feel the need to pass on your unhappiness to others, thinly veiled as "advice". It's just so sad. Perhaps you could vent your spleen on a much-needed therapist, instead of the unsuspecting public.

Lisa - posted on 07/01/2014

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Melissa Dawn (BTW a beautiful name!), if you were responding to my post, you are very welcome. I wish you, your son, and your soldier, the best of luck, and special thanks to your husband for his service!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/30/2014

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You cannot determine whether or not to end visits to another biological parent. That is parental alienation, and will lose you custody if you're not careful.

If your son does not wish to go to his father's, he'll need a court order to say he doesn't have to go, which will stand until he reaches your state's target age. The age differs by state, in some states it IS 13, in other states it is 16, in other states, the minor child does not get to make that choice until they are 18, and legally an adult.

Check with your attorney, and check the laws in your area. Find out WHY your son no longer wants to see his father. If there are concerns, investigate.

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