Please help because I am losing my mind.

Kirsten - posted on 02/12/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I am the mother of two and a stepmother to one (I distinguish just for clarity). My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years and my stepson lives here every other week for 7 days at a time and comes here everyday after school) - for those wondering he is 13 now.



In December 2007 my husband started to have a modification done on child support against his ex-wife. She was upset because she would lose her new car. Yes that is what I deal with. My stepson; since then, has been acting completely differently because his mom talks bad about me all the time. He now cusses at me, hits and swings at me, talks down and back to me. He tells people I hit him and plays his parents against one another.



Today my husband went to a mediation meeting about the child support where his ex-wife told the person that I abused Dillon and she was thinking about having me brought up on charges. She says I cause stress in his situation.



I love my children (all three of them), I love my husband, Heck I love the dog. I just don't know how I can put up with anymore and I almost wonder if I should divorce to get my kids out of the situation.



Please help...ANY ADVISE would be welcome. THANKS

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Torri - posted on 02/12/2009

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Where is your husband when his son is behaving violently to you? What is he doing about this? Is he standing up on your behalf? There are ways that the childs fallacies can be proven. there are court psychiatrists that can tell if the child has been abused or not, and i think that's what needs to be done. I really feel your husband needs to be a strong dad in this situation and let his son know that in no way is it ok to hit you , curse at you etc and that if he does there will be consequences. There has to be limits and the other mom needs to stand by them. She is in the wrong by speaking negatively about you and your husband around the child... that's just wrong. The parents (not you) need to stand up to this child and quit letting him run things. I would definately suggest a christian family counselor as well as openly working with a court mediator if possible. If that doesn't work.... then I would suggest tough love and perhaps not allow the child to come anymore until he can respect the situation and you and your kids. I will not advocate divorce... that's just what this kid wants.

Most kids of divorce dream that their parents will get back together.



I would also suggest journaling everything that gets said and done to you about you via son or the mother. Submit that journal as proof of what is going on.



Don't give up hope, keep praying, keep loving them, keep being strong. God's got your back even if you dont' feel him there.

[deleted account]

Put a nanny cam in your home so the other "mom" can see just how he treats you and the courts as well!

Madeleine - posted on 02/12/2009

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hi hun this is a hard one i have two of my own children and my partner has two we have our son together.i remember my folks splitting up when i was young and my mum bad mouthed my dad to me all the time eventually your srepson will figure out what his mum is doing.i hated my dads girlfriend but as the years went on and i got older i realised i hated he because i was thinking of my mum.now we are probaly closer then me and my mum.so just hang in there hun xx

User - posted on 02/12/2009

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What Torri said, I agree 100%.  I agree with every single word of advice she gave you. Torri could not have put it in better words. If you listen to anyone, please take into consideration what  Torri has suggested.  This has wisdom written all over it and quite frankly you need to go about this situation very wisely because the mother of the boy threatening to press charges is VERY SERIOUS.  Make sure your husband is not sitting on the side-lines watching you fight this battle, HE  needs to speak up! Defend his wife!



 



Quoting Torri:

Where is your husband when his son is behaving violently to you? What is he doing about this? Is he standing up on your behalf? There are ways that the childs fallacies can be proven. there are court psychiatrists that can tell if the child has been abused or not, and i think that's what needs to be done. I really feel your husband needs to be a strong dad in this situation and let his son know that in no way is it ok to hit you , curse at you etc and that if he does there will be consequences. There has to be limits and the other mom needs to stand by them. She is in the wrong by speaking negatively about you and your husband around the child... that's just wrong. The parents (not you) need to stand up to this child and quit letting him run things. I would definately suggest a christian family counselor as well as openly working with a court mediator if possible. If that doesn't work.... then I would suggest tough love and perhaps not allow the child to come anymore until he can respect the situation and you and your kids. I will not advocate divorce... that's just what this kid wants.
Most kids of divorce dream that their parents will get back together.

I would also suggest journaling everything that gets said and done to you about you via son or the mother. Submit that journal as proof of what is going on.

Don't give up hope, keep praying, keep loving them, keep being strong. God's got your back even if you dont' feel him there.





 

[deleted account]

I would contact a community centre for advise/counselling for the teen and entire family actually...this most likely is free of charge, contact family services etc. division...

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16 Comments

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Candy - posted on 10/14/2012

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When I married my husband --- I had 2 girls -- he had 6 of his own & 4 step kids. 7 years ago we adopted 2 special needs kids. I can totally understand --- only difference is Dillon lives there every other week for 24/7. I unfortuneately had a bit of the same treatment from our son Will. He was an aggressive boy when he was younger and his aggression was turned on me whenever his father was at work or gone -- even for a little while. I had brought it up to my husband -- at first he thougth I was just being too rough on "poor little Willie." One afternoon he was being particularly disrespectful, I sent him to his room --- I was at the bottom of the staircase, he turned around to shout some more and caught me way off guard when he swung his leg up and ended up kicking me in the side of the face. When my husband got home and saw the bruising & sewlling .... he asked what had happened. I told him... he went and suprisingly calmly... and asked our son. He got the same response. At that point he was taken to the police station. HE had to walk in with the 2 of us and explain to the police what and why he had done. THEY arrested him --- released his to us and told him that if anything like this ever happened again ANYWHERE --- they would pursue the charges. Things never got that bad again with him. He's now 26 and occasionally talks about his behaviors were when he was 13-15. May not be much useable advice in all this -- but know you are not alone! Maybe it's time he starts an afterschool program that timing runs up to when your husband is home?

Good Luck!

Fawzia - posted on 10/14/2012

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put up a video and don't tell anyone ....put a stop to it ban him from coming and the ministry involved and say this is what is going on ,but the only thing is your hubby and you can also notify the school and tell people that has something to do with him ..... and most of all your doctor he takes statements and bruises down if you have any ...well good luck

ShelbyJo - posted on 02/12/2009

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I want to start by saying how sorry I am to hear anyone has to go through this.

I have to agree that your husband should be the one to take charge of this situation. I also agree that counselling is needed and fast. Good luck to you and your entire family! Keep your faith in the Lord that he will help you to be strong through it all!

Sandy - posted on 02/12/2009

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Oh that poor kid,, what a stupid mother he has got, dont she realise that she is gonna turn him against her eventually.. What can you do?? just keep loving him,, when he abuses you stay calm dont front him,, but tell him it doesnt matter what he do you will always be there for him and love him in the same way,, hey it might take a while but he is at that strange age and his mom is doing him no favours,, poor kid

Rachel - posted on 02/12/2009

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Oh my god your poor thing, that would be a very hard situation to deal with. The fact that she is talking bad about you to her son just really show's how childish she really is and how insecure she is. As long as your husband is on your side then maybe you can work it out so that you dont have to get divorced because that may hurt your children more. I feel for you as it would be a very hard situation to be in but my advise would be keep your head up and keep fighting to let your step son c that no matter what he say's or does your gunna love him anyway. Good luck with it all.

Tina - posted on 02/12/2009

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Get in touch with your local family counseling center NOW!!! A lot of times it is free. Do you go to church? If so, speak to your pastor about family counseling. Do not let the ex wife get her way by getting divorced. She is just causing trouble to upset you. Do not let her get the satisfaction! She is the "ex" wife for a reason isn't she? Hang in there, stand up for what you believe and be strong.

Madeleine - posted on 02/12/2009

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hi hun this is a hard one i have two of my own children and my partner has two we have our son together.i remember my folks splitting up when i was young and my mum bad mouthed my dad to me all the time eventually your srepson will figure out what his mum is doing.i hated my dads girlfriend but as the years went on and i got older i realised i hated he because i was thinking of my mum.now we are probaly closer then me and my mum.so just hang in there hun xx

[deleted account]

I grew up in a blended family of 8, I am the oldest. To say the least, it wasn't easy. 13 was the age I was when my parents split, and my dad remarried within the year. I believe that you still have a chance to reconnect with your stepson. This is an age where he has to start dealing with adult situations, especially if his mother has given him no choice. I really think that you need to sit down with him and talk, just you and him. Talk to him as much as you can, remind him that you care. Most importantly you need to let him know what you are going through and how badly this has hurt you. Tell him that you want what is best for him. I'm sure you have already tried to talk with him, but I think the more you talk to him the better it could be between the two of you. Ask him if he truly believes what his mother is saying. Ask him to decide what he thinks is right. You might be able to explain to him his mother situation in a different light. "She's dealing with a lot, she might say things she doesn't mean" etc.

If you have reach the breaking point and being civil with him just will not work, then you really need to get your kids away from this negative environment. You're kids can't suffer through this. From my experience, too much focus on the child acting out, will imply that acting out is the only way to receive attention.

Maybe you should remind your husband to pick his battles wisely. Keep in mind that the child is the most important thing, not money. Good Luck!!!!

Michele - posted on 02/12/2009

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I've been married for 6 years and a stepmother to two children. My step son is 14 and step daughter is 12. Their mother has caused nothing but grief for my husband and me during our entire marriage. She talks bad about us and some how even turned my mother-in-law against us. My mother-in-law claims to hate the ex-wife, but is always helping her out for some reason. The kids have learned to manipulate everyone and has caused a lot of stress on my marriage. Ultimately, it is the ex-wife's fault, but I think the kids are old enough to know what they are doing now. They are a product of what they've been taught though. I feel like my husband does not do enough to stand up for himself and he feels helpless in doing anything. His ex-wife accuses me of being controlling even though I feel I have no control whatsoever. I walk on eggshells because I'm afraid of upsetting my stepkids, because they will go and tell everyone how mean I am to them if I try to enforce rules in my own home! I'm ready to call it quits too. I've helped out my step-children so much and have invested a lot of my emotion, time, and money into them. And nobody appreciates any of it, especially the selfish ex-wife. My husband and I argue constantly over his ex-wife and children and I finally told him to leave. I am considering divorce now just to be rid of his ex-wife and all of the drama she causes. I feel your pain and unfortunately have no answers for you. I hope you find a solution, other than divorce. Good luck.

Bridget - posted on 02/12/2009

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I have to be honest, I don't anything about blended families and what they struggle with. But my first thought when I read your question is "have you tried or thought about family counseling for ALL OF YOU? my next thought was if you truelly love your husband, don't let a bad situation with your kids and/or his mother tear you apart. If anything you two need to stand strong TOGETHER!

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