PLEASE HELP!!!!! i am really in need of advice asap!!!!

Nikki - posted on 08/22/2015 ( 8 moms have responded )

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i have been meeting with my daughters father for the last two weeks so that he and my daughter can start to get to know each other and start a relationship together. Mind you she will be two years ild in october and he has never been involved in her life until now. Since we have started meeting my daughters behavioral ways and personality has changed drastically in the last two weeks to where she is afraid of everything and is constantly afraid that i am going to leave her even though she has never been left alone with him. the last few times that we have met he has been trying to fore her into calling him daddy or dada and he wants me to call him daddy so that she learns who he is. i am not comfortable forcing my daughter into doing something that she does not want to do.... should he be trying to force her into calling him daddy or dada??? also she has fallen twice during our meetings and he has stepped in front of me and blocks her from coming to me while she is crying saying that he is trying to break the bond that my daughter and i have together and once he forced her to crawl over a table at a restaurant so that she could finally get to me because he wouldn't move out of the way. i got after him and he still decided to do it again the next time that we met together. what should i do about the way that he is going about things because i feel as if he is going about this the wrong way... please help me.

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Jodi - posted on 08/23/2015

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Nikki,

Some of this is repeated but I will sum it up....

(1) you need to give it longer than two weeks for your daughter to settle. The changes you are seeing are not because her father has caused any particular problem, but simply separation anxiety as a result of these changes. You can't just stop because of this - she will eventually settle, but it will take time.

(2) he parents differently than you do, and that doesn't make his way wrong. You have 16 long years of this left. You both WILL parent differently. While I agree with you that schedule is important, you can't impost your parenting methods on him just because you THINK you are right. Remember there are many ways to parent, you don't have to agree with them all. But you cannot control how he chooses to parent unless there is abuse or clear neglect.

(3) Make sure your visitation arrangements are specified in a court order, then he can't refuse to sit down and work out a schedule - the schedule will be in black and white.

Nikki - posted on 08/23/2015

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thank you I have literally everything documented as well as threats and everything else. I just hope that it is enough for him as a total stranger to my daughter not to be able to start with over night visits right away because I don't want it to effect her mentally ... just within these last two weeks her behavior and her personality has changed so much and I cant leave the room to even go to the bathroom without her being afraid that im leaving her and she has never been like this before.

Dove - posted on 08/23/2015

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Document everything about the visits and tell your lawyer. The whole 'last minute notice' thing will not work. He will learn that when you get to court. Other than that... just hang in there and let the judge decide when that time comes. If your daughter comes to see you during the visits make it short and encourage her to go back to see Daddy. Good luck!

Nikki - posted on 08/23/2015

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i didn't want to press charges because she is a mother and I didn't want to take a mother away from her child, but I did make a police report and it is on file as well.

this is new to him with her but he has two other kids and one on the way so being around kids and how to act around kids and how to take care of kids is not new to him at all seeing as his oldest is four years old.

the only reason that it has only been for two weeks and not longer is because he had refused to meet and had refused to contact me and told me not to have contact with him again what so ever. I have tried so hard and he refuses to sit down and create a schedule, he wants to text me and say okay i can meet now and expects me to stop whatever my daughter and I are doing at the moment to meet with him, he wants to be able to just come and go as he pleases, he thinks creating a schedule is stupid and childish, but like I told him creating a schedule should be best because then neither of us will plan anything to do on the same time of those scheduled meetings and its not just a last minute hey are you free type thing.

Jodi - posted on 08/23/2015

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You've given it a go for 2 weeks, so you've hardly given him a chance at all. I am really glad to hear you are doing it all through the correct legal processes - that is very sensible. BUT, you have to give it more of a chance. You do also have to back off him a little. Remember, this is new to him. As I said before, just because he isn't doing it your way doesn't make it wrong.

With regard to the girlfriend assaulting you, then that's another issue - you can have her charged for assault if that is the case.

Nikki - posted on 08/22/2015

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its not that i dont want her to call him that i just think that the way he is going about it is wrong because he is constantly like every other sentence that he says is im your daddy , can you say daddy, you need to call me daddy and i just dont think that forcing it on her when she doesnt even know what it means is the best thing for her considering they dont know each other and she is already afraid to be around him.

as far as the bond thing he literally got in front of me and put his arms out so that he was blocking me and goes im breaking yours and mamas bond you need to come to me... she crawled over a table crying to get to me because he wouldnt let her come to me which made her even more afraid and the second time he did it was at a park and she completely turned around from him and ran away which in my opinion if he tries to get in the way is only going to effect his bonding process with her. they have only ever saw each other 6 times in the last two weeks to where he has been late to half of these meetings as well.

the reason he hasn't been involved was his own choice, i tried and tried and tried to the point of practically begging him to come around and meet with us and he told me not to contact him anymore, and then randomly decided to contact me after it was all taken to court. he wanted me to just hand her over to him every weekend without going to court and i wasnt comfortable with that seeing as he had never seen her at all, plus his girlfiend has threatened me and assulted me and harassed me and even threatened to turn my daughter against me by telling her lies about me when she is in their custody, i wasnt comfortable with just handing my daughter over to someone who she doesnt know and visa versa so i told him that it would be done the legal way through the courts so that both f us would be protected. i have tried setting up meeting after meeting with him and he wants 20 people that our daughter doesnt know and they dont know her to meet everytime we meet yet our lawyers told us to meet just the three of us untill he and she are comfortable so that is what we have been doing the last 2 weeks because he decided that two weeks before court that he should probably get to know his daughter before we go to court.

also we were at the park and i am not right next to them i sit on a bench and let them run around and bond to each other and only talk to my daughter if she runs to me which is what i have been instructed to do so that way i am not interfering with their time together, but i looked up at them and he has our almost two year old at the top of a 7 foot high metal slide by herself and he was just walking around at the bottom while she is standing at the top waiting for her to go down it. shes not even two yet and he just left her up there by herself. but the last two times we have met he acts like he doesnt want to even be there and can not wait to leave and go home. and thats after showing up 25 minutes late to the visit in the first place, he was playing a game on his phone and not even trying to interact with her at all, and then he was arguing and cussing on the phone with his current girlfriend.

im just at a point that i dont know what to do anymore im trying to make their bonding process together as simple and as easy as possible for both of them and its like he doesnt care what so ever.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/22/2015

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I agree with Jodi. 1) He IS her father. Why would you not want her calling him daddy, and why are you upset that he is trying to teach her that? 2) She WILL need to learn that daddy can help with things just like mommy can. It's not about breaking your bond with her, but allowing her to form a bond with her father.

My suggestion is that you get some visitation set in place by a judge, and adhere to it. You are actually interfering in his process of getting to know his daughter.

Jodi - posted on 08/22/2015

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I can see his point - that he wants your daughter to start relying on him if she gets hurt, and not you. There will come a time where she will be with him without you there, and she has to learn to form a bond with him and start to see him as a person she can look to.

If he wants to teach her to call him daddy, then there is also no harm in that. After all, he is her daddy.

Unfortunately, one of the things you will learn about co-parenting is that you cannot control the way the other parent chooses to do things. Unless it is abusive or neglectful, you have little to no say in how the other parent chooses to do things. Just because it isn't what you are comfortable with, or it isn't how you would do it, doesn't mean they are wrong.

Can I ask why he hasn't been involved until now?

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