Please help! I don't know what to do about my baby's father! :/

[deleted account] ( 1 mom has responded )

I need advice about what to do about my child's father. (Sorry this is so long!)

Long story short...I'll be 16 next month and I'm about 7 months pregnant with a little girl. ♥ I lived in the east for a year and met my ex. we dated for about 2 months before we found out I was pregnant. He's 2 years older than me and everything just went super fast while we were dating...obviously haha.

He really reallly reallllllly wanted me to get an abortion and is still unhappy I didnt. After I made the choice to keep my daughter, my grandparents said I could no longer live with them sooo I had to move back to my dads on the west coast.. There was no way I couldve stayed and my dad's is by far the most stable and supportive place for me to raise my daughter. Do I feel guilty I couldn't stay? YES. I feel like I cut my daughters father out of her life before she was even born. I was kicked out and had no choice, but I still feel guilty. after we all knew I was moving and what would happen, my baby's dad and I really grew apart. we were fighting SO much and he was very verbally abusive towards me and called me and the baby names and it was bad.. but silly me kept just hooking up with him to "keep him around". things were bad and i'm not totally innocent, but I've never had anyone treat me so poorly. so I moved in August and started a program for young moms to be and was there until mid october. When I first moved and before I moved, he wanted to "be there" somewhat and things were awful underneath it all, but we sorta just faked that we were good. while I was at this program, I wrote him this huge letter FINALLY standing up for myself and my daughter. I was respectful, but i'm sure it was a huge surprise to him. he didn't want to write me back but he finally did after about 2 months. His letter simply told me all my feelings were bullshit and that he didn't mean a single thing he said to me while we were dating and it was pretty bad. I didn't write back to him buuut when I left the program about a month ago, he texted me and we "talked". I found out he had been "hanging out" with one of my friends and was still just partying all the time and had completely moved on. He basically told me he "can't" be involved because of his college plans and that he figured out what he wants his life to look like a long time ago ... he claims he cares and I'm sure he does somewhat, but if he cared enough, he'd be there. He then told me he just assumed I'd have full custody and make all the decisions. I understand he just doesn't wanna do this and I can't make him but I'm so just disappointed in him and so hurt. I really feel almost obligated to be on "good terms" with him for my baby...but then I just wanna do it for myself to get closure with everything. Our last conversation ended with "we'll talk later" but we never did... I switched numbers and gave him that but got no reply... I miss him a lot and he's not acting like he cares about me that much but I just wish things could be somewhat good to the point where we can talk about the baby or just be "friends" but then I know if he doesn't care about either of us, that won't happen. I deleted him on facebook because I just was so sick of seeing him on my news feed, hah it was hard. and my reason for that was just he has no reason to know what I'm doing and I don't need to know what he's doing and that he can reach me if he needs to on my phone.

I'm sorry this is SO long but I'm so tempted to just ask if we can talk sometime and to just try and get him to understand how I feel and so I can know what he really thinks. He spoke to me first last time so I feel like its my turn to talk to him first but then I feel weak but I DONT KNOW..

Should I just leave things how they are or talk to him? I really want him to turn his life around for his daughter, but I feel like if we don't work things out, he won't realize how important that is and actually shape up. As of right now, if he stays the same, he shouldn't be around her. I want him there for her because that's how things should be...but I'll be honest, as much as I hate to say it, I want him there for me. for once.


Jodi - posted on 11/07/2012




OK, you can't control how he approaches being a father to your daughter, so stop trying. If he doesn't want to be with you, leave it at that. However, that doesn't mean you should close the door on him being in your daughter's life. Nothing you have told me tells me that he is a danger to your daughter and should be cut out of her life altogether. Remember you are both young. He is very obviously not ready to be a father and probably won't step up in the way you want him to. But eventually, he may grow up a bit, and MAYBE in the future will decide he DOES want to step up and be more involved. Which is why you should leave that door open for the future.

In the meantime, he is required to be responsible financially for your child, if nothing else. What you need to do as soon as the baby is born is file for full custody, if he wants visitation, make allowances for visitation, and file for child support. As he is a college student, he probably doesn't have a great deal of income, but it may be a little bit, and every bit helps.

Now is the time for you to think about the practicalities. I get that you want him there for you, but he hasn't been until now, not really, so I doubt he will be in the future. But as I said, don't rule him out of your daughter's life. She has rights too, and one of those rights is to develop a relationship with both parents. When she is older, you don't want to be the one to tell her that the reason she doesn't know her dad is because you totally closed the door on him when he didn't step up initially, and you never gave him the opportunity to come back into her life when he grew up a bit.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

1 Comment

View replies by

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms