Please help!!! I need insight!

Stacie - posted on 03/22/2016 ( 17 moms have responded )

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I am in need of insight....My husband and I have been married for 4 years. Together we have 3 boys ages 15, 12, and 11. When we got married (unknown by me until about a month ago) my husband promised his son (15 now) that we would not have any babies. The reason he promised that was because my tubes are tied and he didn't think it was an option. Well, it is an option, and we really want to have a child together. Well, about a year ago, we had a conversation with my stepson about our desire to have a baby and he very emphatically said no. Not in a disrespectful or rude way, but he made himself very clear. After that we figured we just wouldn't have a baby. Well, we haven't been able to shake off this desire and it's really been an ache for both of us. After a LOT of discussion, we finally decided to get the tubal reversal. Well, my surgery is scheduled for next month, and my husband tells me he actually PROMISED his son he wouldn't have anymore kids back when we first got married! My husband is feeling horrible about it and is basically pushing me to have "the conversation" with our son. He keeps bringing up how bad he feels and now I am wondering if we should just call the whole thing off! I am so torn. My heart wants so badly to make a little life with my husband who is a little part of all of us, but our son is so 100% against it. He lives with his mom, and is coming for his spring break visit tomorrow. We were supposed to talk to him about it during this visit, but now I just don't know! Do we close this chapter and let go of the hope of making that baby for the sake of one of our kids, or do we break a promise and risk our son resenting us forever? Help!!!! I don't want to sacrifice one child for one we haven't had yet, but I also want so desperately to have a child with my husband!

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Sarah - posted on 03/22/2016

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Trish,I am not sure I understand your reasoning? Two adults from failed relationships have fallen in love and been married for several years. To add a child from that union to the family would IMO add to the family, not take away from it. An addition of a sibling could bring all of the boys closer together. To "opt out" of her desire to procreate with her spouse in order to maintain harmony for the children does not make sense to me. she and her spouse are to give up the dream of a child because a teen decided he didn't want a sibling?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/23/2016

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Soooo....a 15 year old boy is dictating your uterus because of a (really bad) promise his dad made to him when he was 11 years old?? Now, you seek his permission/approval? No. That is not how it works.

Have you ever thought that maybe your husband really doesn't want another child and he is using his son as a scapegoat?

Also, the chance of reversal being successful is very small. You are planning on having a major abdominal surgery (most likely paid out of pocket because insurance doesn't cover reversal, but WILL cover permanent sterilization) to potentially not conceive at all.

It sounds to me like you and your husband need to have a very serious sit down and discuss these matters. The reversal may not work, so also discuss how long you will try before stopping. BUT, the CHILD does NOT have any rights over your uterus, ovaries, or your sex life period.

Ev - posted on 03/23/2016

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Stacie--I back you on your choice to want a child with the man you love. Kids will have varying degrees of acceptance or non-acceptance of a new baby no matter their ages unless they are under five and do not understand so much what is going on other than there is to be a baby coming. Here is another light on the 15 year old: Most teens think its kinda gross about their parents having sex. They can not imagine it or that is the way it used to be LOL. Maybe they think their parents are too old to have a baby. Lots of reasons float through a teens mind and including not wanting a baby. No, your husband should not have promised no more siblings but he did. And then it changed when you came into the picture and married his dad. The boy has to understand that he is loved no matter how many kids are in the family and that he is in no way being replaced or anything like that. He is old enough to get that. He is also old enough to get that his parents make the decisions. Just make him as much a part of this as he is comfortable with. My daughter is seven years older than her brother. But she wanted a sibling so bad from the age of two years she could taste it. Later on after her dad and I were divorced she asked for a sister again (she was 13) and I told her she had to ask her dad because he was the one married. He married again after wife 2 and they had two babies one when my daughter was 17 years old and another when she was 19 years old...both girls. But my daughter rarely sees her sisters at all because she is married now and has her own life so she is not as close to them as she would have wanted to be. Even her brother (my son) is not close to them either as he was 10 and 12 when the girls were born. Though he was around them more, he did not care for them...just his way of thinking.

Michelle - posted on 03/23/2016

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I am also going to say that there is no guarantee that the reversal is going to work. Are you and the 2 that want a sibling prepared for that?
There is always an option of IVF though but that is a big expense.

Michelle - posted on 03/22/2016

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I agree with the other ladies, no child gets to dictate the parents' choice to have children or not.
Yes, your husband shouldn't have said it in the first place but he can't take it back. You both need to sit down with the child and let him know that you know he's not happy with it but it's your choice. Maybe even ask him why he's so against another baby and then explain that it doesn't mean he is loved any less.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/24/2016

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That is great you have discussed what would happen if you don't conceive in great length as a couple. The discussion and decision to actually have the reversal and a baby should ALSO be a couple only decision. Not a decision made by a child. He should not be given that power over you, your body, and if you want a child.

Stacie - posted on 03/23/2016

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Those other matters have already been discussed at GREAT length over the last 2 years. Those aren't the issues for us at all. It is just the issue I brought up in my original post. Trust me when I say we have dug very deep on this and gone thru MANY scenarios and in the end we haven't been able to settle on any decision as a couple but having a little one.

Stacie - posted on 03/23/2016

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It would definitely be a real disappointment. No doubt about that. We have tried to be really clear about that possibility. I would like to say we are prepared for that, but I can't say that with full honesty because as much as we prepare for the possibility, if that actually were the case, I'm sure we would all have some emotions we can't control. We definitely have tried to prepare the two boys that know, and we will do the same with our son coming out today.

Stacie - posted on 03/22/2016

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To touch on our marriage...there is no concern for me there. Yes we come from failed relationships but those relationships are not who we are. I was married for 9 years to someone who had been having an affair and my husband had never been married but got his gf pregnant just after HS graduation...Neither of those situations would effect our ability to have a happy marriage and family life. Not that it matters...I just felt like I needed to address that 😬

Stacie - posted on 03/22/2016

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Trish, I definitely understand what you're saying. I didn't go into how our other 2 boys feel. They have been begging for a little brother or sister for a very long time. The family as a whole is thrilled with adding to the family, but our one son who lives out of the home and only gets visitation is opposed. As for the reasons for having a little one, aside from the joy of bringing a little one into the world who is a piece of all of us, there is a medical issue that is a concern. It is not THE reason, but it is definitely a major piece of it. Our son who is opposed isn't able to have children because of 2 undescended testicles that died when he was an infant. Basically, my husbands genes will not continue past our 15 year old. I definitely see your points Trish. That was the flip side we have discussed a lot!

Trish - posted on 03/22/2016

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Why do you want another child?
You have three children now that all need you time wise and money wise. Another child, will make you share your time and money among your children. I believe that given the choice more is better with the family you do have now. To bring another child to a blended family that may not welcome him or her is not the best choice. Granted if it happened alrerady - cheers! But if you can control the situation-opt for the harmony you can have now.

You have been seperated/divoreced before and know those aspects can happen to anyone at anytime. This is the time to get back on your feet and plan for your retirement living, Focus on your career and your teen boys taht will need college money and weddings soon enough.

Stacie - posted on 03/22/2016

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Thank you so much for all your input! None of you were too blunt. I came here for real advice! I really needed reassurance here that I wasn't being selfish to want to move forward, and I appreciate your input. I was open to either response. I love all our boys and I don't want to hurt any of them. I guess I just needed to know that I wouldn't destroy the relationship we have with our 15 year old and that it is OK to move forward with this decision.... Thank you so very much for all of your input!

Dove - posted on 03/22/2016

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Your husband was wrong to make that type of a promise to his son when he didn't actually KNOW what the future held, but whether or not you guys try to have a baby together is 100% your call... and if this teenager has been raised w/ any sort of decency he should come to realize that he has no right to dictate this choice and that sometimes people make promises and then circumstances change... and that's just a part of life and he'll have to get over it.

Cary - posted on 03/22/2016

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Im sorry to sound so blunt but people change and decisions in life change although the childrens feelings should be taken into consideration this is your life together with your husband and if you both want to make a little one together then a 15 year old boy shouldnt be able to dictate to you hes a child and im sure theres enough love for everyone one day hell be off living his own life and wouldnt appreciate a 15 year old telling him what to do .

Sarah - posted on 03/22/2016

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He won't resent you because resentment won't (shouldn't) be tolerated. His father needs to let him know that he made a mistake when he promised no more kids. I agree with Raye, this is a child and he does not get to dictate or even negotiate decisions that are yours to make. He can be angry and hurt, that is normal. However, you should not sacrifice your desire to have a child together because dad made a promise he had no right to make.

Stacie - posted on 03/22/2016

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Thank you so much for your input! I am just so scared he will resent us! You don't think it will damage our relationships with him if we move forward with a pregnancy?

Raye - posted on 03/22/2016

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Your children don't get to dictate whether you have any more children. Your husband made a mistake by promising him that you wouldn't have any more kids. I understand where he was coming from, with your tubes tied it didn't seem likely. But now, all that should be done is for you BOTH to sit down with the boy and explain that you've changed your minds and are going to try to conceive. No negotiation. Be united when you talk to him, and don't let him guilt you into something you'll regret. You've considered the boy's feelings, but you have decided to try for another baby. Let him know you both love him and you understand that he is upset about it. Tell him you both will try very hard to keep things "normal" with your regular activities as a family, and that you'll do your best so that the needs of ALL the kids are met. Then make the best of it, whatever happens.

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