Please help me!!!!!stuck between daughter and boy friend

Cristine - posted on 03/26/2014 ( 36 moms have responded )

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I moved into my boyfriends house after 2 years if dating. My daughter was 7 at the time. My boyfriend was suffering financially after inveasting in a big home. He not only was ignoring my daughter he
Made her feel like she didn't exist . he became very controlling with things in the house ex: lights on, tv, how to load a dishwasher , what to use to wrap certain items like cheese. Why I should use sedan wrap instead of a zip lock. Garbage only in disposal not in pail!!! Quote to my daughter at age 11 , can you help my son do his home work I will pay you? After she did help he told her he wasn't going to give her anything" I pay you with the food you eat.she did not feel comfortable here. Like this was never her home and was unhappy. After he and I got into. A big fight and he called the cops on me because he was loosing control I left. Was out for 2 years but still was seeing him . I moved back in with my daughter in sept. she doesnot want to be here . She says he ruined her kid years and she hates him .she says we will never be a family. She has started writing very sad poems about cutting, suicide etc. I spoke with her concerned she dined it was about her. I now find myself in the middle trying to make him happy and then trying to make her happy. He doesn't understand anything that pertains to her says she is just 14 a teenager!!!!! I am worried and concerned she does not want to live here says she hates him and does not trust him what would you do?

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/29/2014

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Stop making excuses. Pack your bags and go. You will not be alone, you have your daughter and your parents.

Jessica - posted on 03/28/2014

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If he's the kind of man that manipulate you and cry and fight like that have your dad to go with you to get your stuff. Even a police man will help you get your stuff. I dated a women beater before and he did all that im just 20 years old tho n I stayed going back to him because I didn't want him to think I was turning my back on him. but you cant keep putting you and your daughter through this yall life will be way better without him in it. You dnt want your daughter to think that's how a man act.

Angela - posted on 03/31/2014

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Lea's comments below are very relevant - but I suspect your partner won't see it that way. The way he's looking at it, he's providing you & your daughter with a home and he feels that entitles him to "call the shots". It's never going to be an equal relationship. He doesn't see YOU as equal to him, he doesn't see your child as equal to his children.

In my own home I also like things done in a certain way. I will go as far as asking someone to leave it for ME to do the tasks rather than have them "do it wrong" - I'm not going to fuss about them getting things wrong when it's simpler just to do it myself.

Your daughter's "sad" poetry which you feel reflects her feelings on her own life (which she denies) could well be exactly what you think - thoughts of her own about her own situation - they might even be a cry for help. Then again, they might not be - they could be pure fiction ..... However, if she feels her poetry is private (rather like a diary or journal) she might resent you reading it. She probably feels that it's no use confiding in you because he's your partner and you love him and therefore "have a stake" in the 2 of you remaining together in a relationship.

I would not have gone back to a man who called the cops on me, let alone for the miserable life he gave my child. And regardless of the fact she's only 14, she's still an individual, a person in her own right who is entitled to be treated with courtesy and dignity.

If the only thing that is keeping you & your daughter in the same house as him is lack of financial resources - then you need to get a job (or get a better-paid job) - and move out to another place to live. Please do NOT stay with a man because it's the only way to get fed and sheltered!

I can predict that if you stay with this man, that your daughter will move out as soon as she is old enough. If that means no college, dead-end job etc ... to be able to pay her way independently - then this is exactly what she's likely to do.

Helen - posted on 03/30/2014

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Your daughter should be your priority I feel sorry for the poor girl no one should be made to feel like harming themselves ditch the asshole and focus on your beautiful daughter! She should always come first! Why would you go back after what happened the last time?

Lea - posted on 03/30/2014

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Ask yourself if your relationship with your daughter is more important than your relationship with this man. When talking to your boyfriend, ask him how he would react if his two boys felt the same way about you that your daughter feels about him. Ask him if he had to chose between you or his boys, who would he choose. If he can't put his own children first, then that shows you he will never be able to put your daughter first either. If he however he does say that he would choose his boys over you, then that should show you that parents should be choosing their children over their partners and that you too should do the same. There are plenty of fish out in the sea for you to find. there will always be another chance at love and another boyfriend out there that is more suitable for you and your daughter. But there is only one.....only one of your baby girl. if you lose her, you can't replace her like you can with a boyfriend. Wouldn't you want a man in your life that is going to treat you and your daughter with respect, kindness, generosity, love and compassion? wouldn't you want a man in both your lives who is going to be there emotionally, spiritually, and mentally? Don't you want a man who offers positivity and encouragement? if the man you have now does not offer these things to you AND your daughter, then I would assume that he is not worth the time and effort, or worth loosing your relationship with your daughter or her respect for you. You are a grown women, we cannot make your choices for you. we cannot tell you what to do or how to do it. These are decisions that you have to make all your own hun. it is up to you to evaluate the situations at hand and gage where your values, priorities, and responsibilities lie. It seems that your options at the moment are to either choose your boyfriend, or your daughter. Which one you fight for is entirely up to you. just remember that the consequences are all yours to deal with as well. Good luck.

36 Comments

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Paige - posted on 03/29/2014

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If The thought of going home makes you feel like a failure how will it make you feel if your daughter really does commit suicide and you knew she had those problems and you failed to help her and do what's best for her

Rebecca - posted on 03/29/2014

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Your daughter comes first no matter what. Leave him and make the rest of your daughters life happy xx good luck

Jennifer - posted on 03/29/2014

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Hi. My advice..Your daughter comes before any boyfriend. Leave. Good luck to you, I wish you the best.

A - posted on 03/29/2014

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Pack your bags and go, all this time spent on here asking about what to do with all of your stuff you could have had some stuff packed. Have a friend come help you if you feel you would be in danger by leaving.

Cristine - posted on 03/28/2014

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I can't thank everyone enough for all Your support . I truely need it and appriciate the time everyone has given me. Please keep praying.....

Jessica - posted on 03/28/2014

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No questioned asked I woud leave if a man isn't treating your child right he doesn't deserve you. You come with a package and if he cant except the whole thing he don't deserve none of it. Theres a man that will treat you and your child like a queen. Mines do and its not her dad. Soon as I would've seen her stuff I would've fell to my knees in tears to her feet saying sorry I put you through this. Sucide is not a joke kids take their lives left n right these days. Its a blessing you seen her book now you have to go make her life happy.

Rebekah - posted on 03/28/2014

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If moving back in with your parents is doing what's best for your daughter then in no way have you failed! Your just doing the best job you can as a mother and if that involves a little help from your parents so be it.
P.S yes I will be praying for you
2 Timothy 1:7 for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
Hope this helps.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/28/2014

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Pack your bags, get your daughter, and go to your parents.

Quit questioning your decision, and go.

Cristine - posted on 03/28/2014

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Why am I scared? I don't feel like I am afraid to be alone... I just feel attached to him in some kind of way...I spoke with my parents and they told me there door is always open. I am not in a good financial position if I was I might have left along time ago. The thought of moving back home makes me feel like I have failed!!!!

Cristine - posted on 03/28/2014

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thank you , that's what I will do its going to be hard but I have to. Is there a right time? When kids are around? When there in school? On the weekend , day or night? How do I get my stuff out ? He is going to try to manipulate me and make everything my falt. He may even get angry or cry. I will leave my furniture it's not that important but I have bikes clothes jewlery and 12 boxes of other things Xmas Easter etc. what about my glasses games things like that ,how do I get it all out?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/28/2014

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You know how you respond to that? No I am the mother, and this is my choice. I am dictating what is best for me and my daughter. And YOU are trying to dictate my actions and my choices. And walk the fuck out. Sometimes we need our OWN courage. You are making excuses. This should NOT be a discussion, you should be TELLING him you are leaving. He can take that however he wants. It is not up for debate. But he will make it that way. Just tell him end of discussion.

Michelle - posted on 03/28/2014

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My Mother is someone who is afraid of being alone, like you. She has made all sorts of excuses to stay with her deadbeat husband (#3!!!!) but she still stays with him. My relationship with her is strained but I put up with her for the sake of my children. She is the only Grandparent my children have in this country.
If you truly want to leave you will.

Delcie - posted on 03/27/2014

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I was once the child in a situation like this. My mother chose the boyfriend over me. I was sent to live with my grandparents. We didn't talk for several years. I called her when I was 18 to tell her I was getting married. She came to my wedding and told me that my marriage would last a whole 6 months because I was 18 and he was 23. We are about to celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary and our sons 4th birthday. My relationship with my mother is tolerable only for the sake of my son. Coming from your daughters point of view I can say this....you can always find another boyfriend (especially one that will love/like you both), but you will NEVER be able to find another daughter.

Kennishia - posted on 03/27/2014

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It doesn't matter what his response is, he's not going to say anything that is in your best interest or your daughters because he does not care, he's self centered. If u don't make a sound decision and leave, you will likely regret it whenever you wake up and come to your senses.

Cristine - posted on 03/27/2014

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Thank you all for your kind words and some harsh it's ok .i wish someone would knock some sense in my head. I do understand what everyone is saying and I do agree. I think iam just afraid.please pray for me to have courage. I ask god for help I know he's trying to help me. I want out of here!!! I love my girl. I will definitely use some of your words on what to say. I tried saying some of them and the response was" your going to let a 14 year old dictate or run your life. What she says goes? She's spoiled!!! This relationship can not be about her!
I guess this can not be a conversation but more of a statement!!!!! Think of me :(

Kennishia - posted on 03/27/2014

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Cristine some men are cowards and just cannot handle having a child who is not his own living in his home and having to be a father figure for a child not his biologically. Your boyfriend still hasn't stepped up to that role and he's made it clear he's not going to. He doesn't love you if he did you would not feel controlled by him and he wouldn't treat you daughter like she's less than a human being. Your daughter deserves to witness a healthy relationship otherwise there's a risk that she will settle for any kind of guy who comes in her life and treats her bad since that's what she witness in her childhood. Please make the decision and separate both you and your daughter from this man altogether. If you have any family or friends or support groups you can reach out to please do. If this man controls you, it won't be that easy to leave but you must put your foot down and leave.

Lady - posted on 03/27/2014

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Some of these responses are very harsh. I honestly do not believe she openly asked the question with the intention of being beat up on. It is easy to be so righteous when the situation is not your own. Cristine, your child should be your first responsibility, everything about her life is still dependent upon you. God gave you a gift that came with responsibilities to protect your child at all times. You have to stop thinking about how badly you feel for this grown man and begin to think about how this will affect your daughter in the long run. Know that God is able and good luck.

Ev - posted on 03/27/2014

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And if you have to ask others how you do leave, then you are looking for excuses to stay. Several have told you how to leave and yet you still ask how. That tells me you do not want to give this man up. Where is your daughter's father in all this? Maybe if he is in her life, she would be better off there?

Michelle - posted on 03/27/2014

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How did you leave before?
You do the same but break all contact with him. You tell him that your daughter is more important than anything else and her happiness comes first.
There are men out there that are great with their step children and some that aren't. Your daughter deserves one that is!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/27/2014

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You can even tell him that your relationship with your daughter is the most important relationship in the world, and you and her need time to reconnect. That you need to just be with her. You cannot be with a man that doesn't like your daughter, and you cannot be with a man that your daughter doesn't like or trust.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/27/2014

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You tell him this is not a happy household or how you want to raise your daughter....then you leave. You don't see him any more. You don't have a relationship with him. His is a jerk.

Tammy Janse Van - posted on 03/27/2014

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your child must always come first. being a mother means ure desires come second to the well being of your child. this should not be a question you need to find a partner who will respect and love both you and your child. she will resent you later on in life and you will regret it. i think she could do with a therapist to help her.

Cristine - posted on 03/26/2014

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My daughter is 1st to me but my actions don't prove it , I am scared to leave.

Cristine - posted on 03/26/2014

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Thank you all for responding. I want to leave I don't know how? Or what to say? He is always telling me how much he loves me and very affectionate , his actions are sometimes good and sometimes not. About my daughter I also agree with her but felt like as long as she has friends and love and attention from me it wouldn't matter so much about him, but it is making her unhappy. I take her on vacations just us and we do lots of things without him but I am always in the middle. He has appositives to her but understand its to late. He said I can't let a 14 year old run my life. I don't understand what he doesn't get. I actually asked him if we could change her room to the gym it's bigger and really cool, I thought it would be a new start for her when we came back in septiember, that she wouldn't have to look at the same walls from before. He said no!,,, that she is spoiled and that his 2 boys would be upset. Please help me get out!!! I don't know why I feel like I love him so much. This isn't good!!!!!! I wan to do right for my daughter . I know he doesn't mean to be a jerk and that he loves me but I deserve better!!!! What to do how????

Michelle - posted on 03/26/2014

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I'm with your daughter, why would you bring her back to a house that she was miserable in?
Your responsibility is to look after your daughter and NO relationship takes priority over her. All you are teaching your daughter is that even if a man is nasty, you stick with him because you don't want to be alone.
You need to leave his house and not see him again, he doesn't sound like a very nice man towards children.
It's better for you to be alone and have your daughter happy and alive rather than stay with him and end up burying your daughter. That's your choice!!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/26/2014

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*********THIS WILL BE VERY BLUNT AND TO THE POINT*******************

Who is your FIRST responsibility to?

If you cannot answer that as "my daughter", then I suggest that you re-evaluate your relationship with her.

Your daughter should be your FIRST priority, and you have a commitment to her to raise, nurture, and protect her. She's already seen that you put your boyfriend before her, and she feels that you don't love her. I'm sure you do, but your actions indicate that your man and your sex life is more important to you than your daughter's health and well being.

What would I do? Well, I wouldn't have made the choices to put me in this position. But, since you're there...What I'd do is leave immediately. Get yourself enrolled in family counseling with your daughter, and your daughter enrolled in counseling for herself, and DO NOT go back to a man who cannot 'understand' a teenager. If he's a parent, he's a pretty poor example as well, from the sounds of it.,

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/26/2014

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I would have never kept my child in such a shitty place. And I certainly would not bring her back. Sounds like she has every right to feel the way she does, and my question is why would you stay with someone that treats your child like that? Cause I bet if he was treating her like crap, he was certainly not treating you like a princess. He sounds like a class A douche bag. I agree with your daughter 100% especially living through being a step child myself.

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