Aly - posted on 02/05/2015 ( 1 mom has responded )
Hello. I really need help. I feel like I have found the perfect man for me. We bonded quickly and I feel as though we complete each other. We both talk about a future together and he says he wants us to last forever. BUT we have a problem.
I am 19 years old with very little experience with kids. He is in his early twenties and has a 14 month old girl from a past relationship. I'm not worried about him getting back together with his ex because he tried to break up just as she got pregnant and only stayed longer for his kid.
What I am worried about is his daughter. She is a very smart, happy baby and a fast developer. But I'm having a hard time bonding with her. I've met her several times and she recognizes me but doesn't want more than that. She visits a couple times during the week and spends the night over the weekend. During the visits she only wants my boyfriend. She smiles at me a little but if I reach for her or try to talk with her she gets very quiet and pushes me away. She cries hysterically when my boyfriend's mom has her. My boyfriend and I agree it's because she smothers her and is very loud. I try to treat her as well as I can. I've bought her food and milk. Tried to feed and play with her, but she just doesn't want me, and I don't know how to make.her like me.
This really makes me feel uncomfortable and bad about myself. I'm very shy and her resistance drives me into my shell. I feel awkward cooing over a baby that doesn't react to me. It doesn't help that my boyfriend used to act very short and almost mean to me when she would visit. For example he would cut me off when I was talking, steer me aside, and tell me to be quiet. Then he would question me why I wasn't in a playful mood. He has stopped since a week ago because I confronted him about it.
I feel good when it's just the two of us, but I instantly feel like stale left overs when his daughter is there. He tells me all the time that she is number one, and if his number one doesn't like me, will he, too, later on? I admit I have become quiet and serious when she's here but that's because I feel like an outsider and insecure. I usually just watch tv near them or read or something.
He accused me last night of being jealous of his daughter and told me that if things don't change that there is no way we can stay together. He said that I get this ugly look on my face that his ex would get. Also, my boyfriend thought that I got pregnant even though I told him I was just sick. He has said from the beginning that he can't afford another kid (he really can't) and began to say he would kill himself if I got pregnant, too.
I don't know what to do. It's hard enough dealing with the fact that I'm not her mother and that she doesn't respond to me. Then I also have to deal with the fact that I will always be in second place in the eyes of somebody who I hold as the winner. My boyfriend's comments hurt me a lot, too. I love him and feel like this could be long term. I even understand that his daughter comes first. But I need advice. Please help.