please help my daughter is turning into the devil child

Kerrie - posted on 01/01/2011 ( 28 moms have responded )

208

80

0

up until roughly 2 months ago my daughter who was 1 on 3rd december, as an angel. really good at going to bed at night and sleeping through etc.

in the last 2 months i have starte to dread bedtime as she throws a paddy and screams for anythingup to an hour.

at the moment i have been advised to let her cry it out and that she will eventually fall asleep. this breaks my heart to hear her screaming but if i give in and get her up she just wants to play.

she has also started getting really stroppy if she is told no and on occasions throws a tantrum

am i doing something wrong please give advice

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Anna - posted on 01/01/2011

301

9

19

And Karen, my parents never spanked me and I have yet to beat the crap out of them. Something to think about.

Charlie - posted on 01/02/2011

11,203

111

409

She is a combination of tired and pushing the boundaries try and establish a good bed time routine , if she is in a bed lay down with her and read books and then quiet time of soft music and or patting her head to sleep if she throws a tantrum ignore it do NOT feed into it with positive or negative attention she is looking for a reaction , absolutely pay attention to her good behaviour when she is quiet and calm softly pat her head and tell her how wonderful it is when she is relaxed and how much it makes you happy , you are not doing anything wrong it is fairly normal , generally if my boys want me to stay with them I just lay down naxt to him and cuddle him until he sleeps , it is peaceful and a lovely way to bond .

Karen I could not disagree more , I don't think advice of threatening or spanking is helpful or condusive to creating a warm safe enviroment for a child to want to be , sleep time in their room should feel safe and comfortable not forced out of fear , let us also remember that the child is only just 1 year old and has little idea of how the world wors as yet .

Marcella - posted on 01/02/2011

1

0

0

Firstly, have you ever heard the saying that the power is in the tongue?...The things that you speak into your kids life will eventually be manifested...So the the heading " My daughter is turning into a devil" scares me , you really dont want the devil living in your house...speak life and love and good things unto your childrens life and they will follow them...as for the, sleeping problem, male sure that she is comfortable , dry , well fed and tucked in lovingly...speak to her trust me she will understand you...after if she continues screaming leave her, don't feel guilty , eventually she will stop..and don't let her take long hours of naps at the day time, at night try giving her a bathe just before bedtime too...hope this helps

Bonnie - posted on 01/02/2011

4,813

22

262

Is she taking naps during the day? How many? She could be at a stage where she is changing. She may need to have a nap taken away during the day so she will be more tired at night. She could also just be over tired which is causing her to fuss. She could be teething and may not want to lay down because it is uncomfortable for her.

Laura - posted on 01/02/2011

781

26

152

Kerrie, you have received some excellent advice so far: Your daughter is growing and this is often a normal developmental stage for babies/toddlers. Many other posters have already mentioned excellent ways of coping with discipline using positive reinforcement of good behavior and ignoring her negative behaior as best you can.

I would like to add one point to the ignoring strategy: Please do not ignore tantrums when in public situations--the attention from OTHER people can encourage your daughter to continue carrying on. Plus her behavior could be very disruptive to others depending on where you are. In this instance, the best and most effective option is to remove her from the area. Try not to talk to her, just pick her up and leave, taking her to a quiet, isolated place. Cars work as a great location to remove tantrumy kids because there are no other people to "perform" for, it's quiet (except for her) yet familiar and it's a safe place to wait out a crying fit. This is what I did with my own daughter when we had public tantrums and she quickly learned that she didn't like having to go to the car because of her behavior. Mainly because she lost her "audience" and it was just me, sitting there quietly waiting for her to finish. It's the "no response from mom" that helps a child learn that tantrums aren't an appropriate way to get attention, especially from mom!

Finally, Karen, your advice from your mom is an outdated method of discipline. It is outdated for a reason--it is generally ineffective and can encourage violent behavior in adults rather than curtail it. Repetative spanking/beatings can create violent adults and that has been repeatedly demonstrated through sound scientific and medical studies. Spanking should always be a diciplinary method of very last resort and only if the child's actions/behavior jeopardize their safety. And it should NEVER be used at bedtime! That will create more problems, in the long run, than it will solve.

Hope this helps and good luck!

28 Comments

View replies by

Heather - posted on 01/04/2011

14

22

3

She will it takes about a week to change a child's behavior, but you will notice night to night gets a little shorter.

Rhonda - posted on 01/03/2011

17

1

0

I don't know your daughter or routine, but the sleep cycle evolves and changes along with the other domains of a developing human. Would it sit right with you to experiment and push her bedtime forward by 30 minutes, then see what happens? If it's just a matter of her biological clock, there's not much you can do to train her to be tired. Otherwise, I've got nuthin'! Hope you figure it out soon.

Rhiannon - posted on 01/03/2011

108

22

27

I used to find with my little girl that if she had her nap after 11am she wouldn't go to bed also if she slept longer than 2 hours at nap time that caused problems too x

As far as the temper tantrums go i agree with the other make sure she can't hurt herself then go do oething else until she calms down once she is calm go back and give her a hug :) Distraction techniques are good to avoid tantrums especially when out i used to cary snacks and small toys in my hand bag x ho[e some of this helps

[deleted account]

Erm Karen I think I'll take my chances and not hit my child thank-you, I know many adults who were never spanked as children and they have never hit their parents or anybody else for that matter let alone beat them, so your mother was wrong on that one.

Kerrie - posted on 01/02/2011

208

80

0

thank u for all of your advice
thankfully any tantrums apart from bedtime are never in public more if she cannot have something she wants
going to try more of a routine at bedtime as she does go at same time after cuddles and bottle but am going to introduce a bath more than three times a week which is what she is currently having.
i am utterly gobsmacked that anyone would suggest spanking a baby!!! that is disgusting but each to their own

JuLeah - posted on 01/02/2011

3,133

38

694

She is a normal kid. This is what they do at this age. I am not a fan of the cry it out system. but, if you use it, do so consistantly. If you give in, even once, you have taught her it takes that much effort to get her way. It is like this, if I gave you a dollar each time you said my name, you would say my name a lot.
If I held back and gave you a dollar every 2nd time you said my name, you'd adjust your behavior to that.
If you knew I'd give you a dollar, but you didn't knw when, you'd say my name all the time in the hope that this time would be the one. This is why people gamble, right?
So if you got a dollar on the 10th time you said my name, you'd know it takes at least ten times, but you get the reward and you'd be willing to work harder then ever to get it.
If I refuse to give you money and hold to that, you will say my mane a lot for a while testing my resolve, but sooner or later, you'd get the message and give it trying to get a dollar that way.
Get some books on child development for this age and learn about what is 'normal' behavior and try to understand the world from her point of view. It will help you react and respond in a manner that helps her grow.

[deleted account]

A good tip we got is to avoid eye contact and talking around them while trying to get them to sleep (it stimulates their mind and actually has the opposite effect you are going for). You can try tapping their back or controlled crying. We found sitting next to the bed with a hand resting on the back worked for us - we then started sitting without the hand on the back and will ween her off having us in the room altogether soon with luck. Just try different things and find something that works for you and your child.

Mrs. - posted on 01/01/2011

1,767

6

30

Yeesh. I think spanking it okay, you know after they are an age where they actually understand consequence...you know not when they are a baby. Babies don't understand this yet. Karen's method might work for some children but when they are much older.

I agree with the CIO method being structured. Myself, I asked a public health nurse. She told me to actually time her fussing or crying, give her 5 minutes, if she is still wailing, I go in and check to make sure she hasn't pooped, carefully place her back down from her usual standing position and give her back my blanket (which she will have thrown). I also now have to make sure her room is completely blacked out and silent...then leave to repeat if I have to.

As far as the tantrum, I make sure she is safe and sound. Usually put her sippy cup somewhere near her and walk away (if it's at home). I go back to check on her if it goes on forever. As long as I don't give into something she wants that is not allowed I only let it go for a given time too. If something like that is going on for over say 20 minutes, I'll pick her to see if that calms her...she's probably forgotten what she was upset for in the first place. Then I'll try to distract her with something positive.

Katherine - posted on 01/01/2011

65,420

232

5195

Definitely what Anna said, walk away from the tantrum. Praise the good.

Anna - posted on 01/01/2011

301

9

19

Congratulations, your baby has become a toddler. I would like to point out, first and foremost, that tantrums and "willfulness" are perfectly normal behaviors. Your little girl is growing up and learning about herself and the world around her, and this includes testing boundaries. She's becoming more assure of herself and her own power in the world, and it's natural for her to want to explore that.

As far as bed time is concerned, I agree with others in that you need to have a firm but gentle routine. Young children thrive on the predictable, and knowing that the same thing every night signals that it's time for bed will help her transition. If she cries, let her. I'd go in only if she's really screaming, and then only every 20 minutes or so to reassure her that you love her and lay her back down if she's standing. Don't stay longer than a minute or two, don't play with her, and tell her that it's bed time. It might take a few days, but once she knows she's not going to get you to cave this way, she'll stop.

And as for her tantrums, let her throw them. She doesn't have the vocabulary or communication skills to let you know she's frustrated, so throwing a fit is really the only way she has of venting. Let her do it, ignore the behavior as best you can (making a fuss will only reinforce it, since she's getting attention for it), and move on.

Katherine - posted on 01/01/2011

65,420

232

5195

As for spanking, what will that do? What is that going to solve? She is 12mo. A baby still. Hitting promotes hitting.

Katherine - posted on 01/01/2011

65,420

232

5195

The other problem may be that she is just not tired. If your child is screaming for hours, they are NOT ready for bed.
The CIO method is very structured. You don't just leave them to cry. It is called controlled crying. http://www.babycenter.com/0_baby-sleep-t...
She is at the age where is IS like everyone has said trying to assert herself. You will need a lot of patience and compassion. Please read the link. CIO does not mean letting your baby just cry and cry.

Lissa - posted on 01/01/2011

1,047

0

105

Whether or not you agree with spanking in general this is a BABY. I am gobsmacked, I can see where people do not agree on methods but I would hope to God that nobody is seriously suggesting spanking a baby.
Bedtime is supposed to be about teaching your child to sleep on it's own but in a caring nurturing way that makes them secure. No child should ever have to associate going to bed with anything that causes distress.

User - posted on 01/01/2011

629

0

83

She may be going through separation anxiety, or developing a fear of the dark or shadows in her room. Make sure you have plenty of time for a calm bedtime routine, involving stories and lots of reassuring cuddles.

At bedtime we often talk about what's been good about the day and what we're looking forward to about tomorrow. I usually say something like "If you don't get a good night's sleep, you won't enjoy ...as much.", although your little one may be a bit young young to start this, you could give it a go.

From my point of view, a much more preferable way for them to end the day than with their leg/ bottom/ wherever stinging because I've hit them.

KAREN L. - posted on 01/01/2011

13

11

0

I'm just letting you know what worked for my 3 children. At some point they think they know everything and what's best for them better than you do. My mother taught me, if you don't spank them as children, they'll beat you when they're an adult. (Something to think about!)

[deleted account]

You don't need to spank a child for them to understand it is bedtime - apart from about a week (as explained in my first post) my son has been a fab sleeper, he was sleeping through the night (14hrs) at just under 3 months old, as well as having 2 naps a day and I have never laid a hand on him! At 15 months we are now at the stage where he tells me he wants to go to bed at his nap time and bed time, as he realises he is tired and it is bedtime.

KAREN L. - posted on 01/01/2011

13

11

0

Until she realizes that she's not in control, you're going to have a problem with bedtimes. Make sure she understands what "night-night" is, even if its for a daytime nap. You'd be surprised what small children really understand. Even though they don't want to take a nap, they know they need it. Make sure she's not hungry, wet, or upset stomach, then lay her down. If she insists on getting up, look her right in her eyes and tell her, "You're going night-night", (and mean it). If she gets up or begins a tantrum, grab ahold of one leg and ask her, "Do you want a spanking?" (and mean it). She'll tell you, "No," then tell her "Go night-night, I don't want to have to come back in here." See if it works, but you have to let her know that you say what you mean, and you mean what you say. Most times the threat will make small children think before they act up again, and then others, you have to prove what you say. Good luck. My mother raised 13 of us, and none of us ever had a problem going to sleep after 6 months old.

[deleted account]

Your not doing anything wrong, this is a completely normal stage of child development. My son is 15 months and has his tantrums every now and then, usually when he wants something and we have told him he can't have it.

For the tantrums, I tell my son that he cannot shout at mummy (as that is what he does) and then as long as he is not in danger of hurting himself I ignore him, this demonstrates that he will not get what he wants by shouting at mummy and having a tantrum and he doesn't like it because it removes attention from him. Once he has calmed down I ask him to apologise to mummy, he gives me a hug and a kiss then we move on and don't dwell on it.

For discipline I give my son directions, I try not to use no too often, for example, when he is running on the sofa I tell him to sit on his bum (if he repeats I remind him we sit on the sofa and we run on the floor and then place him on the floor). I find repetition is the key, sometimes it takes a couple of hours other times a couple of days and sometimes being told once is enough, but repetition and consistence is really important. I don't believe in smacking ever as I don't feel it is necessary in any situation and until the child can talk I don't believe time outs work at this age, as I feel the child needs to understand what they are being disciplined for and we can't know that until the child can tell us - I will use time outs when my son is older though. For the moment I just use redirection and consistence, for negative behaviours.

As for the sleeping, when our son turned one we found that instead of having two naps he only needed one, we went through a stage where he would just scream for an hour/ hour and half (we went to him every 15 minutes soothed him and put him back down) because he wasn't tired and didn't want to go to bed, reducing the naps did that - if your daughter only has one already maybe look at the time of day she has it, is it too late in the day? Is it too long, could you shorten it? Also when our son was 13 1/2 months we moved his bedtime 1/2 hour back to 7pm because again at 6.30 he wasn't ready for bed.

Do you have a bedtime routine so your daughter knows it is bedtime, i.e. bath, milk and a hug, story and then bed. If not now would be a great time to start one, as they really help the child understand what is happening.

Google sleep training methods and it brings up a whole host of methods, which include CIO versions and none CIO versions, have a look and you should find something that works for you and your daughter, even if you decide to take a couple of different methods and alter them to suit you. If your not comfortable with crying you don't have to do it there are other ways. Remember whatever you choose be consistent :-)

Lissa - posted on 01/01/2011

1,047

0

105

Just to add agree completely with finding ways to let her assert her independence like choosing her own clothes helping you, mine used to love wandering around with a clean cloth (no chemicals) and "dusting".

Lissa - posted on 01/01/2011

1,047

0

105

She is asserting her independence, she is at an age where she realises she is an individual who can choose to co-operate or not, this stage is normal. So some suggestions are have a good routine tell her what you will do each night as in after dinner we will have a bath put on pj's, read then it is bedtime. At each stage let her know what is coming next. Be firm and consistent, she must know what you expect and you can't chop and change it is just confusing and teaching her if she screams she gets what she wants.
Put her in to bed let her know it's sleep time and leave the room. If she starts to scream walk in to the room soothe her by hair stroking etc but don't talk or have eye contact. when she starts to calm stop and turn away but stay beside the cot and wait for a few minutes. If she is still screaming soothe again and repeat if she calms walk away a few steps again wait a few minutes repeat this until she has calmed down completely then leave the room.
Doing this shows her it is bedtime you will not pick her up, play etc but also makes her feel secure and safe. This could mean you are there for an hour the first night but over a number of nights it will work and I feel this is a much calmer and kinder way than just letting her cry herself to sleep.
As for the tantrums again it is normal at this age, she is old enough to understand a time out or similar. For us it was explaining Mummy doesn't want you to do that anymore, it's not nice, hurts etc. If you do it again you will have to sit on (for us) the boring stairs where there are no toys. Get her to sit for one minute then once she has (and this is very important otherwise the whole exercise is pointless) explain you had to sit there because you screamed at Mummy etc when you have told her what she did wrong and ask her not to do it again, give her a hug and then she can get off. You have to be consistent same behaviiours, one warning then to the stair if they continue, one minute only at this age, always let her know why she was put there and always have a hug.

Rebekah - posted on 01/01/2011

346

4

132

One thing you can try is to use distraction as a way to get her to stop doing something she isn't supposed to be doing rather than risk using "no" too much. "No" has its place, but can lose its value and get tuned out if we overuse it. Especially for how young she is, distraction could save you both some frustration (put a desired toy or item in her hand, invite her into some other activity, etc.). Tantrums will happen...ignore them as best you can, be matter of fact with her, make sure she is safe and go about other business. She is venting her frustration at her limits which is normal, but don't feed into it by giving her lots of attention for it. I don't use spanking...everyone has different opinions on this, and mine is to avoid that if I can come up with other ways to discourage negative behavior.

Bedtime...hard to say what all is happening at bedtime, but my suggestion there is to make sure she is dry, burped, and not having any reflux or anything, and then check on her in increasingly longer intervals. Stay businesslike when you check in and keep it brief. It should reassure her enough that you are there for her, but she will get the message that you are not going to pick her up and play with her. And don't give in...it will just prolong the process! You may also want to check her naptime and see if its too close to to bedtime and keeping her awake. Final thought is in agreement in Kiara about the routine...be sure you have a nice soothing routine prior to naps and bedtime to help set the stage and get her body geared for sleep. Soft music works well in my house. Good luck!

Michelle - posted on 01/01/2011

2,191

23

1087

your daughter is asserting her independence it is your job now to step up and reinforce that you are the boss where naps and bedtime is concerned. I am sure by now you know the difference between a real cry and a tantrum, don't give in to the tantrums because every time you do you reinforce the idea that she can be in charge of that situation. Give her other ways to be independent pick out two outfits for the day that you approve of then let her chose between the two. Small things like that will let her feel like she has a little bit of control and she should relax a bedtime.

Kiara - posted on 01/01/2011

26

18

7

FRirst nw is the time where u hve to start a routinee with her as of goin to bed,naps etc...some women dnt believe disclipline to kids is right but a spankin neva hurt anyone long as you dnt tke it ova board.She's a child grown n learning so things come different to her right nw on what she can do n cnt.It's all hw u teach her what she cn ncnt do n hw u enforce it.She'll be find its natural all u hve to worry about is when she turns terrible 2 lol!!!!!!!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms