Please help!? This woman is starting to drive me up the wall !

Melanie - posted on 07/14/2014 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Hi, we're having trouble with my fiancé ex in regards to visitation. She works as an Air Hostess so child access has previously worked around her erratic schedule, if my partner cannot do (fit in) he misses out on seeing his child. They split up when 5 months pregnant and I came on the scene (met) when Charlie was around 4months old. Since that time I have shared care with the father which I know would be hard on his ex being a mother myself to a 9year old.
My question is of what my rights are as a shard carer, yes I'm not the birth mother although for Charlie to see his dad, if he starts works early I have to take him or pick him up from daycare. The mother is refusing to let me. She is causing all sorts of hassle, sending texts to me saying her ex is sending explicit material to her.. He did send a link for a cheap vibrator as she had said months ago she needed an upgrade. I was disappointed and upset to hear this. She said she had heaps more. I replied great bring it on x.
? My partner admits he sent it - nothing sexual - she needing one and it came up on group on. Really cheap
Stupid thing for him to do, yes! Though I do trust him and know she's a trouble maker.
I have been quite mature about this. Thanking her and saying that yes if she has more. Forward it on. Although she wanted to play cat and mouse and said she would forward the rest when we got back from our weeks holiday away - which she wouldn't let Charlie come as it was too far away although she was working away at that time and needed help! .. More texts from her asking if I really really wanted to know. Blah blah
I ended up getting exasperated and sent a facetious txt.. Below
Hi. Always good to know the truth... I'd appreciate it if - when or if you do send anything further you cc rick also. He does tell me most things other than obviously the ones he wants you to delete - stupid thing to do yes. Besides from that I do trust him & if he sent you a link for a fanny relaxer well that was in bad taste to say at the least & obviously he didn't think it through all that well.
This issue is between both of you, not me. I didn't have a child with you & I'm not sure an upgrade to a strap on would get you pregnant. ? I'm sure you'll both work it out. Have a good night.
... Which was a bit over the line as she admitted she just wanted to get pregnant to anyone.
All bulls@@t aside.. Have I got any rights as a co-carer or do you have to just sit back and wear it?

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Jodi - posted on 07/14/2014

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It sounds to me like there isn't a court ordered visitation schedule? Is that right? In which case, it is time to get one. That will eliminate any uncertainty about when dad can have the child and eliminate the possibility of mum stuffing you all around.

However, she is well within her rights to not allow you to pick up the child. Petty, yes, but within her rights.

Ev - posted on 07/14/2014

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I have to agree with Dove on this one. The mother is well within her rights to not have to put you down for pick ups from daycare. Also they have a visitation roster to go by given from court and that says what dad does for visitation purposes. You have no say in anything as you are just the fiance at this point and not yet the step mom. I know you said that you do care for this child a lot but legally, mom has a right to say no to whomever she does not deem okay to pick up her child.

Dove - posted on 07/14/2014

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What does the court order say as far as their custody and visitation? Typically... you don't have any rights unless they can both agree to it... unless he has full custody. He can leave the child in your care, but if the mother doesn't want you picking the child up from daycare... you may need to either work around it... or have the father try and amend the court order.

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Leela - posted on 07/19/2014

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Melanie I have been on both sides. I wrote as I did simply because you seem to be allocating all the blame to this woman. Your partner should not get a free pass. He is the reason why you are going through this. You asked what your rights are. Well you do not have the right to the child, you have the right to be in a loving respectful relationship. Your partner has an obligation to you - this woman has no obligation to you whatsoever. He can change things. He is not a victim. Make him accountable and recognize that you are fighting a battle and wasting your energy on someone who doesn't care (birth mom). She's living her life. You need to live yours. Get out of the drama cycle. Tell your partner what he needs to do to make this work including not sending inappropriate texts. Block your number from her and make it clear that primary communication should be between both of them. Most importantly figure out what YOU want to be happy. You are not the first or the last in this type of situation. Do not give up your peace of mind over something you have limited control over. Refocus and reprioritise.

Melanie - posted on 07/15/2014

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Well you're right in the fact that it's got right out of hand & I think I have handled the situation quite well in regards to someone threatening me and my life. Going out of their way to stir trouble. She only did this as my partner would like regular days so he doesn't miss out on seeing his child. She's doing what she wants by continuing to do air hostessing, no one is stopping her - although to continue to do that job makes it very hard to juggle work with Childcare etc.. She won't let her ex have him more, even when he could he'd shuffle his business committments sacrificing work for her etc.. & found he couldn't survive financially by doing so- couldn't pay the mortgage, he had to find new work - quick bigger money to get out of the debt caused by this. Now is looking at work so he's in town every night. You do have to sacrifice bait for a child.. I had to & I did so I could be at home for my child, I picked up cleaning jobs, par time property management from home- anything I could to fit in with my child so I could look after him. I sacrificed money my dreams for 4 years for quality time with my boy THERe are always ways and means.
She has an ex that is willing and able to help her yet she throws drama & discord into the mix.
I shouldn't be involved in this & don't need to be. The woman is being the immature one to stoop so low to try and hurt her ex any way she can.
We all have a great relationship with my sons father & have on a couple of instances been away camping all together. We all work together for the benefit of the children.
I can't wait until the day that all this unnecessary angst and bullshit has passed & it has reached that stage!
So don't blindly make assumptions when all facts aren't on The table. Sounds as if you may have gone through a hard time in the same instance although on the other foot and find it hard to see the other side. I have been on both sides and know there's a better more harmonious way to do things.
Thank you for your opinion.

Leela - posted on 07/14/2014

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Melanie your last post sums up everything. Are you really interested in the child or in ensuring your bf isn't cheating on you? I would say the latter. Firstly as the others have said before, you have no legal entitlements to this child. As YOU said, you do not have a child with this woman. Frankly based on the exchange I read, I wouldn't hand my child over to you either. You also stated that this woman is causing all sorts of 'hassle'. She works and flight attendants don't have a fixed schedule. That's not her fault. Are you and your partner going to take over all the child care expenses if she quits to look for another job?? I agree with Jodi that a parenting plan is needed. But more importantly all the adults need to grow the hell up. She did not force your ex to send a message about a vibrator. That is his fault and that should tell you about his maturity level. I really don't get the sense that this is about Charlie. It seems to be about adult relationships that are being poorly managed.

Melanie - posted on 07/14/2014

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Yes it is petty. Her attitude has changed as we didn't spłit over her allegations/insinuations. I'm pretty close to moving out for awhile though until this is sorted.. It has put doubts in my mind. I do t trust easily and didn't think I'd let my heart open again. Feel in some ways I am being a fool to believe my partner that nothing is going on?

Jodi - posted on 07/14/2014

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So have they been to mediation and drawn up a parenting plan that they both agree on? Because it doesn't sound like it. And if she is continually breaking it, then it is time to have it court ordered. You just get a certificate stating that you have attempted mediation and it has not worked.

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