Please...need some advice! How do you cope when your kids want their father instead of their mother?

Lisa - posted on 01/14/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

9

0

0

I am so incredibly happy to know that my 2 children have a father that makes them feel loved and that wants to be a consistent part of their lives. I do know that this is a very hard thing to find! However, when their father and I were married, it seemed to always be a contest with him, because he had to be the better parent. We were hardly ever on the same page in raising our kids. During our divorce, he used them as pawns to hurt me, something I will never forgive...and I will never forget his statement that he WILL "WIN" THEM away from me, as if they were to be his prize in hurting me. Knowing all that I know about this man through the divorce, I wish so much that he was not a part of their lives, but for them, because I know what it is like to live without a father, I suffer through to get along...only for them. But now, all they want is their father....I don't think I have read one story, or know one person where this situation exists, and I don't understand. I try so hard not to take it personally, but it hurts me to tears...so much...they are my everything and I don't know what to do about this situation....and also, it kills me that he thrives in seeing me in pain when this occurs...it bothers me that instead of providing support, he clings to the fact that our children want to be with just him. I get so frightened, that he is teaching them that treating your mother like this is okay...

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Paula - posted on 01/17/2012

4

0

1

I don't know how old your children are...mine are four, two, and 8 months and my ex and I have just worked out access after a year of him being supervised in my home for visits. Now his visits are supervised by his parents. My four year old has come home a couple weeks now and seems to want to go back immediately sometimes. It hurts for sure! However, I can't take it personally! A) Daddy is Disney Daddy. He plays the entire time they are there because there are three people for three kids so, unlike at home, no one ever has to play alone for a few minutes while dinner is being prepared, etc. Daddy doesn't have to do laundry or anything else because he has the other 12 days to do it. B) Daddy has new and different toys C) Daddy isn't tired and grumpy because, again, it's mom who parents and daddy visits. So it is unfair and hurtful. However, if you keep calm and focus on the kids, they'll see the truth. Kids can be "bought" when they are little, but if you give them the best of yourself and try to maintain your dignity with their father, they will soon realize that daddy may be fun, but mommy cares and loves us so much when we're hurt or sick, etc. When I think back to my childhood and even to this day, my parents are different in my eyes but I still need both of them at different times. Don't let him get to you because the stress will cause you to become upset and stressed out with the kids (who aren't even fully aware of the competition) and then he is winning because the kids will wonder why mommy is stressed and will like Daddy's house better. I hope this helps! I feel your pain, but don't let him get to you! Your kids love you and you are enough!

3 Comments

View replies by

Lisa - posted on 01/29/2012

9

0

0

I thank you all for your comments. My kids are 4 and 10, and it is really the youngest that wants his daddy so badly. And I did realize that showing emotion about it caused them to want him more...and I have taken a step back, knowing that my babies do love me, and have pursued a different course in my behavior.I did a lot of crying in front of them...and I am so truly embarrassed about that...and now I just roll with it, and am strong in my convictions, but not mean or sarcastic, and tell them quietly and lovingly, that this is my time with them and then I tell them when they will see daddy again, and move on. It has worked quite nicely, and has actually made us closer. Perhaps they kept wanting their daddy because Mommy kept getting upset! Sounds perfectly reasonable to me...and that was a hard lesson for me to learn...but I learned it...I am so very glad I learned it!

Amy - posted on 01/17/2012

122

2

7

I am sorry you are going through all this, I have not been in this situation but I will give the best advise I can :). 1. Try your best to not say negative things about him to or in front of your kids, 2. Just be the best mom you can be...love them, hug them but don't cave & let them have anything they want etc believe it or not they do still want rules & structure even if they don't realize it & if nothing else they will love you for it when they are adults. Feel free to mssg me if you just need to talk/vent :) Good Luck

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms