Please someone help me with my daghter dad drama??

Chenise - posted on 09/10/2012 ( 23 moms have responded )

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My daughters dad and i have been split up for about 7 months now, everything was all good until i started seeing this new guy. So my ex decided to get a new girl which is fine, except now he never answers his phone when i have our daughter call him, or to tell him important things, i will call and text with no answers. Like today i hadto take her to the hospital, and i called him 4 times at 11am. And i text him I had no reply so i called his mom and she said let me call him, so she did and told me he doesnt have his phone on him and he is with his girl friend. This is the 3rd day he hasnt taken his phone. So finally i call him again around 5pm he answers yelling at me saying im inturupting his time with his girl and im just faking it so that he will talk to me. I mean i did freak out on him i admit that. But he still never asked what is wrong with her, can i come see her nothing. it was all about how im jealous of his new girl and all that. I do have temporary full custody, so he gets every other weekend, this weekend was his and he didnt take it. If i feel that she is not in a safe and caring environment is there anything at all i can do.? I mean he doesnt help pay for anything, i pay daycare food, diapers, wipes, clothes everything. I have even given him gas money to come see her. What shoudl i do. I am at my last straw and cant handle it.

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Lacye - posted on 09/11/2012

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1. Stop going off on complete strangers when they are trying to give you advice that YOU asked for.



2. His mother probably was able to get in touch with him because the girlfriend might have had her cell phone with her. That does not automatically mean he had the phone with him.



3. Having your child in the hospital is upsetting, but unless she was dying, there's not much he could do up there.



4. Stop giving him gas money. Like Rebecca said, either he will be a dad to your daughter or not. You can't force him. He has to want it all on his own.



5. NOBODY called you a bitch. As a matter of fact, you called called Jodi a bitch. Nobody said anything about you in a negative way until you started acting insane (and yes, you are acting insane).

Lacye - posted on 09/13/2012

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From the sounds of it, you are wanting to play the pity party thing. Sorry but I don't do that. Never have, never will. If you want that, this isn't the site for you. The first person to respond to you was Jodi and she was explaining that she doesn't even take her phone everywhere she goes so it's not surprising he didn't have the phone. Several other people, including myself, have said the same thing. Jodi was just trying to get some more information so she could think harder about your situation. You were the one that started cussing at the other women. Of course you are going to get a negative response when you are calling these women a bitch.



I've seen most of these women around on different message boards on CoM and for the most part, they are pretty nice and freaking awesome. They try to help the best they can. But if you start getting snarky with them, you are going to get it back. That's a little thing called life.



As for your ex, we all agreed with you that he is a dick and should probably deserve to be sterilized, but you can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do. Once again, either he will step up and be a man to your child or he won't. It will be his decision. It hurts, but it is what it is. You can't dwell on HIS mistakes. All you can do is what you can for your child.

Dove - posted on 09/13/2012

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Your FEELINGS are understandable, but your actions are not going to help the situation. Which is all I was really trying to say.



And no.... you don't have to provide things for him when he has her. If he can't provide those things.... he doesn't have to have her. You can't MAKE him 'man up'. You just can't. Trust me... I've been living it for 4.5 years and when I was at the anger point that you are at now.... it just made EVERYTHING a whole lot worse for ME... and he still didn't change one bit. That is WHY I gave the advice that I did. To try and save you from the emotional turmoil that won't get you or your daughter anywhere.

Firebird - posted on 09/11/2012

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"You all try working your ass off for minimum wage support yourself, get your child everything she needs, but hardley get to see her because your always working, and the dad gets to take her every other weekend have a great time with her and you supply him with everything for her and give him gas money to see her,"



I DO all of that, almost word for fucking word. Oh yea, and my daughter has Autism and Epilepsy on top of it.... I win. We all know what it's like. Grow up and stop the 'poor me, no one understands me' act.

Jodi - posted on 09/11/2012

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"see the whole big picture"



We can't see the "whole big picture" all we can see is the information you give. And from what I read, you sound bitter and angry. YOU need to step back and see the big picture and stop dealing with it from a position of anger.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/13/2012

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"Why cant anyone just be decent and at least lie and say yeah i totally get why your mad, but maybe you should take a deep breath and say screw him"



Honey, we DID!!! We've all told you that we understand why, but that you need to...fill in the blank with the various things you've been told, which, first and foremost was to calm down, and approach this rationally, without freaking out!



But, hey, you didn't want to hear any advice, you didn't want to hear that you need to step off, take a breath, and deal with things from a different angle, you simply wanted us all to say "Oh, poor baby, you're absolutely right, he's an asshole, and you're totally vindicated in acting the way you are."



Truth is, honey, you're NOT right. Yes, he IS an asshole, but you knew that, deep down, from the beginning. Your first clue? That HIS MOTHER is raising his son, that you had to provide things for that boy, because he wouldn't. You chose not to see the very obvious, you chose to sleep with the man, you now have a child that you are solely supporting.



I'll say it again, FREAKING OUT ON HIM ISN'T GETTING YOU ANYWHERE. Approach the situation calmly, rationally, and like an adult. You'll get further. Start with court ordered support, served to him, as well as his employer.



You don't like the blunt, truthful answers you've been given, then you should know better than to act like a teenager and expect total sympathy without some solid advice behind it.

Chenise - posted on 09/13/2012

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lol alright i give up on even asking you guys. This is all the same reason why i dont hang out with females. Pretty funny when someone asks for advice not to be talked down to on the first post. And dont try saying no one talked down to you.Actually all of you did.

You would think all of you would be more understandng of why im freaking out on here cuz i need to vent, im sure all of you have needed to vent and let your anger out. So im the crazy one? I'm more so upset i think because he has a son with another girl and he is 4. He does anything for him, he lives with him full time, and when his son was living with his mom 35 miles away he always went to go pick him up and see him, i only live about 10 miles away and he cant even do that. Can you guys kinda see why that would upset me? I have also provided his son with clothing and things that i knew he needed cuz im not going to watch him go without. I think im also upset cuz i didnt have a dad and neither did he, he knows what its like not tot have both parents and to watch your mom struggle so why do the same to only one of your kids. I mean everyone tells me that Lexie will figure it out when she gets older who really does take care of her and that he is a low life but rightnow it crushes me that when she goes with him then comes back she cries cuz she doesnt want to come home. I know im way stricter then he is. But it kills me cuz i do so much. And for whoever said dont provide him with the stuff when he takes her. i kinda have to . im not going to let her go without diapers or wipes or clothes or food, and i know he wouldnt get any of it. Just please you all need to understand why im freaking out, And you need to stop making such bitchy comments. Why cant anyone just be decent and at least lie and say yeah i totally get why your mad, but maybe you should take a deep breath and say screw him, shes better off without him, instead of critisizing me for my actions, he swore up and down that he would always be there for her, i could care less to ever talk to him or see him again i just want my daughter to have her real dad in her life. And i serioulsly think that a lot of you can understand that so please stop being so damn quick to judge me.

Firebird - posted on 09/12/2012

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You noticed that too, eh Dove? Changing the story does tend to make people seem less credible.

Dove - posted on 09/12/2012

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In the op....and i called him 4 times at 11am.



In a reply....And the fact that i called once then sent a text tellin him what was going on and still no reply after 4 hours



Just saying. ;)

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/12/2012

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"You all try working your ass off for minimum wage support yourself, get your child everything she needs, but hardley get to see her because your always working"



Honey, I supported a family of 4 on less than 19K a year for 3 years before we got disability benefits. AND with very poor medical insurance that covered almost nothing in regards to the $40K in medical bills that stacked up each year. Again, been there, done that. Its hard, but you manage. How? Not a clue. Perseverance is my only answer.



The rest of us have been there. Otherwise we wouldn't be commenting. You need to put on your big girl panties and join adult life. If you can't begin to approach this situation calmly, like an adult, you're going to get nowhere fast, and soon will begin to take your frustration out on your daughter.

Dove - posted on 09/11/2012

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I know what it's like to have to take a child to the hospital on your own (and try to keep track of two healthy kids running around the ER when all you want to do is sit by your injured child's side).... and spend the night away from said child since you can't physically be in two places at once and you have to take your other two children home...



Heck, my ex didn't even call his daughter to see how she was the NEXT DAY on his SCHEDULED call day/time.



The people here responding KNOW what it's like, but they also know that you can't make a man be a dad if he's not up to it. All the begging and badgering in the world won't do a darn thing except make him hate you. The kid still loses out.



My kids see their dad 1-3 times a year and I've never (and most likely WILL never) see a penny of support. You'd better believe I'm not going to pay him to spend time with his kids (even if I could afford it). He can 'man up' or he's the one that misses out. All I can do is let it go and make sure my kids have the best life 'I' can provide for them (not talking money either) since I'm realistically all they've got.



If you want to get anywhere.... drop the attitude. Or continue to bitch out other people who have been there, done that.... That'll get you far.

Rebecca - posted on 09/11/2012

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stop giving him gas money! either he will be a Dad or he wont you cant make him be a good Dad all you can do is get court ordered child support I'v been there in the same situation and yes sometimes you want to flip out at them for putting themselves above their child but try to keep calm and don't aggravate the situation if you keep calm it will make it easier to work this out

Jodi - posted on 09/11/2012

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"And if you all want to call me a vbitch for freaking out on him thats totally fine"



Nowhere in my post did I call you a bitch.......grow up. Is this also how you twist his words?



You are being awfully defensive at people. They are offering advice, telling it like it is. These ladies KNOW what you are going through. They totally understand. You know, the first 4 years I was separated from my son's father I didn't see a penny either. Now, 13 years later, I see about $30 a month. I get it. It annoys me too. Raising a teenage boy is not easy, and it is expensive. I've also spent nights in the ER with him, nights in the hospital on my own when he has had an operation, it's just the way it is. I don't feel angry at my ex. Frustrated and annoyed sometimes, yes, but not angry about those things. What is the point in being angry. He is the one missing out......



The women here are just trying to offer advice. Perhaps your post should have said you were only after validation, because so far, every piece of advice people have here for you has been shot down and thrown back in their faces. I don't think you were after advice at all. I think you were wanting to be told you are in the right, and the fact of the matter is, you are both behaving immaturely.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/11/2012

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Chenise, my child HAS BEEN in the hospital, MULTIPLE TIMES from the time he was 2 on. He's 18 now. You don't have to be "jolly" about it, but you do need to calm down and look at this from a different direction.



You just aren't getting it. He's saying that he doesn't want the responsibility. I agree that he should man up, but you freaking out on him isn't getting you anywhere, and it's only stressing you out more. If he doesn't want to be a part of his kid's life, that's his loss. If you don't have support and visitation already set up, that's YOUR responsibility to do so. No one says that you have to "provide everything for his visits with her". That is NOT your responsibility. If he has her, she's HIS responsibility. He's using you for whatever he can get. Step away. Get support orders that are enforced by the courts, if you ever want to have him pay for anything. That way, when he's working, he gets his checks garnisheed and you get support for your child.



And as far as his responsiveness goes? You've already pushed that to the limit, so he's going to be even LESS likely to respond, even if it is an emergency situation.



I'm sorry you're going through this, but the bitter truth of the matter is that your actions, as they stand are NOT helping you improve your situation.

Chenise - posted on 09/11/2012

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Oh and trust me Shawnn, I am not jealous not even close i'm with someone else, we are moving in together shortly and he has been the one there thru all of this.

The only thing im "soo jealous of" is now this girl gets to take care of him like i did for over 2 years. The lazy ass doesnt have a job lives off of the state and lives at home with mommy. Let me tell you guys i am the most jealous person right now. No its the fact that this girl that he just met is more important then his daughter. Thats what gets me so damn mad! Before he got with her he calld our daughter every day maybe twice a day and always wanted to spend time with her. now he could care less if he sees her. And if the guy im with now ever ever took time away from m daughter like that i for sure woulndt be with him. If he is man enough to make a kid he needs to be man enough to take care of her and i didnt call 4 times in one hour lets get that straight, and there has been days where he has called me 15 times in an hour because i had a new bf. so lets not just assume shit. and see the whole big picture.

Chenise - posted on 09/11/2012

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So If your child was going into the hospital and this is the 3rd time you have had to take her without him doing anything you guy would be all jolley about it too?? And the fact that i called once then sent a text tellin him what was going on and still no reply after 4 hours?? hmmm.. he helped to make her he needs to help be part of her life. And if you all want to call me a vbitch for freaking out on him thats totally fine, You all try working your ass off for minimum wage support yourself, get your child everything she needs, but hardley get to see her because your always working, and the dad gets to take her every other weekend have a great time with her and you supply him with everything for her and give him gas money to see her, so im sorry if none of you guys understand what the fuck i go thru. And why i freak out on him!!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/11/2012

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Chenise, at the risk of being called a bitch myself, I do think that you're going a little overboard, and exhibiting a bit of jealousy. I mean, 4 calls in the space of less than an hour? I'm like most of the rest of these ladies, not only would I tend to be less likely to pick up, but I'd be annoyed that you were that persistent.



He's given you the hint that he's got other interests now. Leave him ONE message saying that his daughter's in the hospital, and she'd like to see her daddy, and leave it at that. If he doesn't respond, then you can leave a message with his mother, but don't expect him to jump and run just because you want him to. Yes, having a kid in the hospital is hard, I know, been there, done that whole mess. Just be thankful that he's not accusing you of "doing something" to put her there.



I must be honest...the sentence "everything was fine until I started seeing a new guy. Then my ex decided to get himself a new girlfriend"...indicates that you are most definitely NOT OK with him having another female interest, even though it's ok for you to have a new boyfriend, which is quite the double standard there.



Try to gain a little maturity through this situation. Try to approach each encounter calmly and as an adult. He won't spend as much time being irritated with you if you don't spend so much time going off on him for petty things, like not always having a cell phone on him. Ever stop to think that maybe, if his mom says his phone is at home, and she's getting ahold of him, that she's calling the new gf's phone to do so?



And if he's not paying for anything, but you have solid proof of paternity, why haven't you already gone to court to get child support and visitation set? That would also avoid a lot of these problems.

Dove - posted on 09/11/2012

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Jodi was just answering your post based on what you wrote. Since I was going to write similar to her.... I'm not even going to waste my breath. Good luck.

Ariana - posted on 09/11/2012

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It seems like everything is really charged between you two and you need to just let things be. If you are really concerned you can simply email/text him saying how you get really worried when your daughter was in the hospital and you couldn't contact him.



If you are concerned about your daughter being able to call him you can always set something up with him where your daughter calls him at certain days or times. So that way if you BOTH agree on a time (7pm every other night certain days etc.) than if he doesn't answer you simply say, we agreed on this and our daughter was very sad when you didn't answer. Nothing more.



You need to become a little more detached from the situation. If he doesn't respond to a text/phone message and it is something really important call his mother and simply tell her the situation and ask her to relay the message (since she can get to him easier). I only advice doing this for something important like the hospital. Otherwise he is simply letting his daughter down when he doesn't respond to her, don't make a big deal of it, it's not your problem.



If he chooses not to take a weekend I would, once again, send him an email (a calm email, possibly write it, wait half an hour, and then reread to see if it's actually calm before you send it). State that your daughter was expecting him this weekend and she was very disappointed that she couldn't see him. Ask him how you can solve this problem or tell him you hope he makes it on time next week.



As for him possibly being a danger that's for a court to deside. My advice on that is every time there is a problem, write it down in some sort of log. I don't know the situation but when something happens put a log with the date and say 'this thing happened on this day etc.". That way you have a real log to send to a court instead of you nattering about it and trying to remember details way later. For money that's a court issue there is nothing you can do other than bringing it up in court.



Once again when in this situation you need to be really calm about it, pretend that you're talking to someone you've never even met, like someone elses ex-boyfriend. I know that's easier said than done but the more emotionally charged you are about it the more likely you're getting agitated and coming off as being super-upset or crazy even though you aren't.



Good luck to you.

Jodi - posted on 09/11/2012

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I question how I was being a bitch? I just answered the question based on the information you gave. And based on the information you gave, I felt you were over-reacting. If how you just responded to my post is how you treat him, I wouldn't answer your fucking phone calls either. Jesus.

Firebird - posted on 09/10/2012

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Chenise, all you're going on about is how he doesn't answer his phone. Why can't you just leave a message and be done with it? If the same person calls me four times in less than an hour, I don't answer my phone either because it's fucking annoying. Jodi isn't being a bitch so chill before you start to sound like one. If you aren't going to bother providing details about why you think it's an uncaring and unsafe environment, then don't mention it, and don't get pissy when people respond to the information that you do give. Grow up, we aren't mind readers.

Chenise - posted on 09/10/2012

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I do have a child support case, he refuses to work. And I was with him for 2 and a half years I am pretty sure i know how he is about his phone being with him, especially when he has been leaving his son with his mom all the time, i know he takes his phone. And when his mom says oh i just talked to him he left his phone at home. how did she talk to him? I know it sounds like im the bitch, but when he has her i always am sure to have my phone incase. And really? Since you know the absolute whole situation on why i think he is unfit and has an unsafe environment for her dont be jumping down my throat saying he seems fit, and people leave their phones. Maybe you souldnt reply to people who are asking for advise and just be a b***h.

Jodi - posted on 09/10/2012

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I don't take my phone everywhere with me.....I fail to see how this is doing the wrong thing. After all, he wasn't in charge of being responsible for his child, you were, so it wasn't like she was in any danger. How does not taking your phone with you all the time mean it is an unsafe and uncaring environment? When you say you did freak out on him, then he was probably reacting to the way you spoke to him. I'd be pissed if you freaked out on me too.



With regard to him not paying, why don't you have a child support case?

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