plers and pcers, what would you say to a pregnant women who has a past of abuse in regards to her new pregnancy?

Sophie - posted on 02/27/2012 ( 32 moms have responded )

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If a woman was 20 weeks and pregnant and she was in her 30's and would not place for adoption but wasn't sure between abortion and parenting what would you advise?



Trigger life story of woman:



She's a drug addict of 13 years. She before that had her first child at 13 with a guy who ran off 4 years later and didn't help her out at all. She had married at 18 and had her second son. While she was a drug addict she did terrible things to her kids. Her husband would sell ODS for money sell him into prostitution. He was as young as 9. She neglected her YDS since he was 3 and abandon him at any place possible. At strangers friends or family same with ODS. He was underweight at times and really sickly because of it. He still looked 4 when he was 7. She came from a domestically violent family and they were physically abusive to her and her ODS. Her husband was physically abusive to him too. Which was his step-child. They lived in a car at times to shelters to motels. Sometimes they used food stamps for drug money. She lost her last pregnancy when she was in a fight while intoxicated. Years go by and her ODS is addicted to cocaine as young as 13 and got a girl pregnant which continues the nasty cycle at barely 18. As her grandchild would get past around from family to family. The kids had an abnormal incestuous relations that tore the family up further. The ODS was kicked out. Soon after the ODS overdoses and not even 20 and the YDS tries to commit suicide several times and is hospitalized and diagnosed with bpd. Continues to struggle with mental stability. Obviously what started out ok went completely south with her lack of parenting. She started out married with her second with a job and her husband had a job no abuse. No deep drug abuse. She hadn't even tried drugs when she had. Her husband and she divorced soon after her ODS died.



Her ex got better she just got worst...



Thing is he didn't for one have to mourn the loss of a child since he was never really his to start with. Second he had several jobs in the past he got a measely minimum wage job but it's better than having no hope and no job or experience besides two real jobs in the mid thirties. So he cleans up. Her family gave up on her and she was of course vulnerable for this time to get what she deserved. She is a needy meth addict and she meets a guy who beat her up and makes her sleep with other guys for money. He threatens if she leaves him he'll find her and kill her. He seems though to be her only friend as no one would 'take care' of her like that. Well eventually she get pregnant again. She's in her mid thirties and actually wants it maybe because of her earlier loss. Like in replacement. Her bf is excited at first. And they plan to keep it but the meth addiction takes its toll. She starts to doubt everything. So she's 20 weeks and she doesn't want life to end that way for this one. Like the previous pregnancy though sad the baby didn't live a life of hell. She wants it still selfishly but doesn't want to fuck up. Plus foster care could be a possibility if she couldn't stay clean when she delivered. Her bf agreed with whatever she chose. However it may not be his and he's even said if it's not his he'd kill it. If the child couldn't stay with them it would have the choice to live with a domestically violent aunt and uncle or violent drug addicted and violent aunt and uncle on her dad's side.



Then there is the fact that it's 20 weeks and she's actually pro-life except with rape incest and life threatening situations and only in the first trimestor. To me I don't agree with late abortion. To me I think it's a person by then. But what else could an individual like that do. Back when she was 13 with her first and she planned an adoption but couldn't leave without her ODS. She wasn't capable of that. She was too cold and weak. Yet I don't think a child should ever be killed because another person is too weak to do the right thing. The procedure doesn't seem pleasant I mean it looks like a normal baby at that time. Looking at an abortion on ultrasound would like infanticide right?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Karla - posted on 02/28/2012

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Amanda and Little Miss are right.

You're at the borderline for an abortion anyway, and it would probably send you into a deeper depression.

You are on the Internet, google "women's shelters" with your city and state, and go to the nearest one as soon as possible. You need help, and help is available, but you won't get it via this web site, you need to go to a shelter.

Ramona - posted on 03/01/2012

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Adoption is a beautiful choice! Our eldest daughter came to us at the age of six months through foster care. Her birth mother abused drugs during her pregnancy, neglected her severely and didn't want to give her up. Birth mother's boyfriend was abusive. Her birth mother voluntarily terminated her parental rights when she knew that we would adopt the baby and she would have to go to rehab to get her back.



My precious daughter is now nine and a sweet girl. She struggles with learning disabilities due to prenatal drug exposure, but her bigger challenges are due to the neglect for the first six months.



She is a beautiful and loving girl. She is very much a part of our lives. I am very grateful that her birth mother did not choose abortion. Adoption was a beautiful gift her birth mother gave to her. You have a chance to give a baby life, and pick a family for him/her. It is the greatest and most unselfish gift and your child will thank you.

Amanda - posted on 02/28/2012

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You dont believe in abortion, but ok with your ex hubby selling your son for sex? Your moral compass is totally messed up. You need to speak to professionals, and get your butt into rehab. It is clear you have never spent much time in your right mind most of your life. You dont have the skills, or life experinence to make a choice like this. You need help and so does your unborn child. Otherwise you will be yet again losing another child.

Rebecca - posted on 03/01/2012

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You are just selfish wanting to keep this innocent baby and not giving it a chance for a happy life. You may think you are quitting and have left the deadbeat but until you have for a year you are NOT FIT to be a mother. I am fit and healthy and I find it hard to keep it together for my kids sometimes. You are no good to your child the way you are at the moment. Think of the child first and yourself second. Putting someone else ahead of yourself might be what gets you through.

Krista - posted on 02/28/2012

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I'd never place it seems for adoption though I tried it with my DS. I ust couldn't do it.



The right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do. It's part of being a grown-up.



Unless you get yourself to a shelter and start getting your life turned around, you will be in no condition to raise this baby, and will only be consigning him/her to a hellish life. Is that what you want? No?



Plus, if you're using, the odds are good that the baby will be taken away from you and put into foster care anyway.



I really hope you haven't been using during pregnancy, because if so, you've really increased the odds of your baby being born with severe birth defects. Are you financially/emotionally prepared to raise a child who needs special health equipment, specialists, frequent visits to the hospital?

32 Comments

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Sophie - posted on 03/02/2012

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my other kids were subject to that because I chose drugs. I don't have to this time. I am not choosing it now. Also I am not quite 6 months pregnant. So this analogy and the example has nothing to do with me.



I came for advice but I actually specifically said adoption hasn't been a choice for me really. You can talk about it I just would never go through with it.







I've not even done anything since joining. I don't leave the house much. He didn't want me to. So I didn't have prenatal care. Now that I have my own life I am improving this is my motivation.

Btw many people on here drink a lot and have expiremented with maurijuana so don't even try to pretend you're better because the one who's not done any of it looks down at you like you are the same as me anyway. There's always one higher.



Grow up and understand people have hard times. I didn't come here to be bashed. I came for advice...

Sophie - posted on 03/02/2012

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I already said I tried adoption it wouldn't work.I'd just keep it. I've btdt. And I'm not young... I'm 34... I am not aborting. I am just trying to get myself in to a better position to raise kids...

Liz - posted on 03/01/2012

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so you are saying that you would rather kill your baby, than put it up for adoption and give the baby the chance for a better life? What planet are you on my dear? you really are not of sound mind, and you have come here asking for advice, and it seems to me, and probably to many others, that you have already made up your own mind on aborting your baby, so why come here asking for advice?

I am sorry if I sound harsh, but you really are being very selfish, think of the awful upbringing your other children have already suffered, please do not let this precious baby be subjected to this abuse. And please find it in your heart to do what is best for this precious life which is growing inside of you right now, surely this baby deserves a better life, and yes i said LIFE, not death.

You really need to get yourself sorted and pleae take advice from the good people on here, because afterall you came here looking for advice, so please take it from us here, who have not had our minds subjected to the drug abuse that yours have. I really hope and pray for you, that you may do the right thing for this precious baby and that you may get your life sorted out real soon.

Sally - posted on 03/01/2012

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I have read your posts and Why didn't you see a doctor when you found out. You would have had more options. I think you are really selfish and i don't believe your doing a damn thing to change. This going be another poor baby born with birth defects. I was abused as a child . I never hurt my kids. I love to see a post saying that you have spoken to a doctor sort drug advice but all i hear are excuses.

Sorry if thats harsh but if you wanted to change you would take the steps that have been suggested by everyone. By the way were you out of it when you wrote.

Rebecca - posted on 03/01/2012

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Pamela Waiolena not sure of the other ones but ODS is older dears son YDS is younger dear son etc...

Ramona - posted on 03/01/2012

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I am very confused. You say you are pro life, but would rather kill your baby than have your baby adopted out into a good family? What exactly are your concerns with adoption? Not only am I an adoptive mother, but I have a brother through adoption and know multiple people who have given babies up for adoption. Perhaps I could help address any fears you might have about adoption.

Rebecca - posted on 03/01/2012

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OMG love what PLANET are you living on the killing a baby at 20 weeks is the RIGHT choice. I think you have made your decision but it is wrong on so many levels. It will be between you and your maker. There are so many wonderful people out there waiting for the opportunity to adopt and at least maybe one day you will be able to meet the child. GROW UP put your big girl knickers on and do the RIGHT THING

Pamela - posted on 03/01/2012

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Why is it that these days young people believe that we all know their code abbreviations. Please spell out what you mean by ODS, plers, pcers, etc. Some of us do not text for all of our communications.....we actually speak with our brains and mouths, not our fingers. Your story would make more sense if I knew what your abbreviations meant.



When asking for advice from others it is best to be explicitly clear and to NOT ASSUME that we all know what your abbreviations mean.

Alexandra - posted on 03/01/2012

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i started reading this story and i had to stop. It just made me really sad. I don't know what is said after what I read, but answering to your question: abort and have your tubes tied.

User - posted on 03/01/2012

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Wow. I fully believe that it's too late for an abortion even if you did believe in them. My first son was stillborn at 19 weeks and he was definitely a person. However, I have to say that by bringing a child into the life you've been living is a death sentence as well. Why on earth would you want to subject another child to the hell your other children have been subjected to? Like other posters, I am not trying to be mean, but for Pete's sake, grow up and think of this child and what you really want for him or her. There are many, many families out there who want and are capable of providing a loving home, and a chance, for babies like yours. You are not capable of providing that.

Sophie - posted on 03/01/2012

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Well I'm doing the best I can abortion would be a better choice than adoption... Also he wouldn't want me back since it wasn't his so I have to pick up from nothing the best I can.

Sophie - posted on 03/01/2012

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adoption really isn't a choice. Well I'm quitting and got away from him he's not the dad I just found out.

Veronika - posted on 03/01/2012

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This is disgusting and disheartening. Please give this child up for adoption because there is absolutely NO WAY he will have a chance at a normal, stable life with you. You are not ready to give up your addictions to drugs and abusive men. Also please get an IUD placed as you try to fix your life, so that no more innocent babies get put through the hell your kids went through. Once you are serious about cleaning yourself up and are successful at doing so you can have the option of removing it and having a baby you can take care of. Planned parenthood will do the procedure for you.

I am not trying to hurt your feeling, but I am being realistic. You were not able to stop the drugs and abuse for your other children and you are not at a point where you will be able to successfully do it now...not yet anyway. Please think of your unborn baby...not yourself. He/she deserves a chance.

Rebecca - posted on 02/29/2012

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At 20weeks it has been known for a baby to survive an abortion. There was a lady in the news recently who was such a baby and only found out when she was older that her Birth Mother aborted her and she survived she was adopted out to a loving family but want to contact her birth mother. It is obviously so not the right time for you to be having a child until you have sorted yourself out first and sweetheart your track record isn't that good. You need to adopt that dear child out and get is as far way from your lifestyle as possible. Get yourself sorted and clean. Pray to God everyday that you and your child will find each other again someday both happy and healthy and he/she will respect you for the decision you made. I hope this isn't harsh I feel for you addiction is a disease with horrible side effects. In New Zealand we have a Maori saying Kia Kaha. Be Strong... God Bless you in your journey.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/28/2012

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Well, then get up and go to your local womens shelter and let them know your situation. They will be better equipped to handle your situation than any of us. They probably can help you relocate if you find a good place. You definitely need some real help to do any of this if you plan to succeed. Going it alone has only gotten you into trouble. I mean help as in professional, not with another creep that has your child or you turn tricks.

Sophie - posted on 02/28/2012

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I want to get away and be sober. I want to be independent but I guess I'm just worried... I want to do that no matter if I ctt or not. I just want her to be happy. I've failed so many it's hard to have faith. But I guess I think I do have to do what I want to do even if it's hard. I guess. I know I don't want to ab but that's what I'd have to do if I stayed here. I guess I just want to be practical but that brings hope down.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/28/2012

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You cannot change the past, but you can certainly change the present and the future. You just really have to try and want to.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/28/2012

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So what is it that you want to do??? Do you REALLY want to be sober and get away from your ex and anyone else poisonous in your life or is that to much effort? How much do you really REALLY want to change? Do you want this child? Do you want this child to have a NORMAL life?

Sophie - posted on 02/28/2012

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I said it could be a good thing. I was just explaining my situation sorry...



I know no way would I have sober. I can't really change the past I just don't want the past to repeat itself...

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/28/2012

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Your other child has already suffered enough. Grow up and deal with your situation like an adult. We can feed you all the information that you would need to fix the problem, but if you are not willing or wanting, it will be a waste for anyone to type it out. Sorry to be so harsh, but really.....this is not about you at this point. I know you are asking for help, but how much help are you willing to take and how much advice? How much do you really want to change and have this baby.....are you prepared to have and raise a child that could already be addicted to drugs or have you been off drugs since you got pregnant?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/28/2012

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Ok, so you are going to not do anything just because you have excuse after excuse to not fix your life. You an my sister have a lot in common. I agree with Amanda 100%. Also, there are worse things than doing it alone....like prostitution, molestation, drug addiction, physical and mental abuse. Hell, I would prefer to be alone if those were my options. And I guarantee, he does not know everyone in the USA and there would be absolutely no safe place for you to go.



Listen, excuses will not rectify your situation. Either do something to change your life for the well being of your child, or go have an abortion and get your tubes tied so you do not have to deal with this situation again. This is not fair to the unborn children that suffer needlessly because the parents are to selfish to change.

Sophie - posted on 02/28/2012

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I tried they have issues of their own. I have considered moving but then I'd be completely alone. I know he knows people out of state plus he'd ask family so I'd have to hide away from anyone I know now. I guess I could start over like that again. It could be a clean slate I guess.



I'd never place it seems for adoption though I tried it with my DS. I ust couldn't do it.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/28/2012

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You could look into womens shelters. They will certainly help you. If there is a chance for you to do drugs while pregnant, I would think that is no way for a child to start his/her life. But honestly, I have no idea how far into a pregnancy you can be. You are already 5 months along. You only have 4 months left. Can you ask family for help and go to a womens shelter, or move out of state and get on assistance, find a womens shelter there and move on from past mistakes? Even if you end up putting your child up for adoption. This child did not ask for this life....YOU have already made your choices, now it is time to make some better ones.



There is an answer, it is just a hard one that will take work and will power.

Sophie - posted on 02/28/2012

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I guess advice I guess. I made an appointment to get an abortion and I don't like that but I don't see really a way out what if my ex finds me? I want to go a mental institution and get committed just to get away. I feel like I would like to go anywhere away from him but I'll just end up back with him. I have nothing without him. Living outside the law always gets me back to drugs... I just almost I wish there was answer I know it's up to me bit I guess I just got til Thursday to think hard what is right if it's right or wrong...

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/28/2012

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Ok, so what exactly are you looking for here? Is this your story? If so, and you don't believe in abortion, then make sure you stop taking drugs because that is YOU killing the baby rather than a doctor. Secondly, I would give that child up for adoption if your life is not in order, or this poor child will suffer like the last.

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