PLZ ANY1 HOW DO I DEAL WIT MY 4YR OLD N NEW B/F JUST DONT KNOW WHAT 2 DO ANYMORE....

Nicole - posted on 04/01/2011 ( 34 moms have responded )

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i recently left my kids father and got into a new relationship shortly after,and my 4 yr old son is having a very very hard time,he has become very mean n angry to his sisters and just rude and always mad everyday all day its getting very overwhelming to deal with and whenever i ask hthis problem is he says he wants his dad and now he is teling me he just wants me with his dad and not my new boyfreind whome i care alot about i dont want to end a good relationship over my 4 yr old but im not 1 to choose a man over my kids either.how do i deal with this? and do i choose ending a relationship 4 my kid? and makes me wonder if theres a reason y my son doesnt want me wth my new b/f e says he like him but just wants his dad with us????plz any sugestions please...

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Carolyn - posted on 04/01/2011

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I disagree whole heartedly with louise suggestion.



I dont think guilting your son into better behaviour for the sake of your own happiness is smart.



Telling your 4 year old his behaviour is interfering with your happiness is a recipee for disaster and selfish. He barely understands his own feelings and what is happening, let alone should he feel he needs to be responsible for yours.

Carolyn - posted on 04/01/2011

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okay im going to be blunt, but its from the heart.

as a child dealing with your parents seperation is hard enough on its own, without have some other man shoved in your face.

Your children need time to adjust to the change in your relationship with their father, before you introduce a boyfriend into the picture.

You need to set your needs aside, and consider your childrens feelings and perceptions.

There world has been tossed upside down, and while children are resilient, they do need time, patience and understanding before you add more variables to the mix.

Imagine being a small child , and suddenly a strange man is kissing mommy ? how traumatizing that would be ?

You can continue the relationship without bringing this man into your home until your children have had more time to adjust to the new status quo. When your kids seem to be settling, give them some time, and ease into bringing this man around your children again.

Krista - posted on 04/01/2011

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I'm with Jodi. I hate to say this to you, because you were probably so excited at the prospect of being in love and happy again.

But...if he's this inconsiderate towards your children, this early on in the game, what on earth is he going to be like towards them when time has passed and he doesn't feel like he has to impress you any more?

I don't know, Nicole. I'm just getting lots of alarm bells about this guy, based on what you're telling us. He sounds like a bit of a bully.

If I was in your shoes, I would go talk to the landlord and ask what needs to be done to take him off the lease. Nobody's saying you can't ever date again. But right now is not a good time. And I don't think that this is a good guy.

Jodi - posted on 04/01/2011

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If he won't leave you should. Sorry, but not only did you get involved with this man too soon, and not only did you move in with him, you put your name on the lease too??? What on earth were you thinking? It sure wasn't of your children. If this new bf cares AT ALL about you and your children, he would be far more understanding of this situation and would leave. It wouldn't have to mean you split up, it would just mean that you need to slow the heck down. Your son has feelings and needs, and no matter what it takes it is your JOB as a parent to address these in any way possible. Your new bf should never assume he is your priority. He sounds like a selfish jerk, sorry.

Krista - posted on 04/01/2011

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Yikes, you already live together? No wonder your son is messed up right now. That's a LOT to put on a little kid in a very short time period. May I ask why you were in such a huge rush to move this new guy into your home?

At any rate, you've really got yourself in a pickle now. The only thing I can suggest is to contact a family counsellor and talk to him or her about the situation, and ask what you can do to help your son express his anger in more constructive ways. He's going to be angry. That's a given. And frankly, I don't blame him one bit. I think that all you can do right now is try to be more sensitive to what he's going through, and try to keep him from taking his anger out on his sisters.

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Carolyn - posted on 04/05/2011

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yeah there is a post or 2 missing, I usually try not carry on conversations with myself LOL

Jodi - posted on 04/04/2011

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Stephanie, I am pretty sure her posts are still there. Her lates one said she has set up an appointment with a counsellor and her bf is moving out, which is great :)

[deleted account]

Nicole- Did you delete alot your commennt & responses?/ Because it looks like people are answering when there is no post from you. That makes it difficult to understand where you're coming from.

I can't even fathom what goes on in your mind. My kids are my life and no one, no matter what, will ever come before them. You need to get your priorities straight bc you are damaging your children. What you've done is so irresponsible! You barely know this guy and already have him living in the same home as your kids? What if he's a pedophile? You don't know bc you didn't take the time to sort him out before jumping right into this. Honestly, and I'll probably get my post deleted for saying this but, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. How awful of you to do this to your children. If you have such little regard for their feelings and well being you should let their father or someone more capable take custody of them. You really need to get your act together.

Amanda - posted on 04/04/2011

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Hes used to the comfort of having both of you together.He probably just misses his dad, but if it was recent he MIGHT grow oput of it. But try spending some quality time with him.I found that when I took care of kids and mad at their parents for any reason that it helps and just try talking about it and he might open up to you. He misses the comfort of everything and kids like routine and now the routine has changed. Hope it helps!

Danielle - posted on 04/04/2011

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You need to focus on your son! He is a lot of pain and does not understand at all what is going on in his little life. Even if you talk and explain everything, he just can not grasp the reality of it. You need to remove yourself from your new man. If he is the right one than once you and your babies are in a comfortable position in life than he will be happily waiting for you. If he loves you and your kids than he will understand that your son needs his mommy right now, not his mommy and her boyfriend. I am a single mom and understand completely. We want to be happy also. But in your heart you do not feel the happiness you can achieve when your children are happy also. They (our children) are the greatest pieces of joy we will ever know. Treasure them now, they are only little for a short time and we have our whole lifes to have boyfriends.

[deleted account]

I'm glad you have taken those steps Nicole. Good luck with whatever the future may bring and love those kids with all your heart (I know you already do!). :D

Nicole - posted on 04/01/2011

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nakia i am not married so im in no way committing a crime over here n i have set an app 4 a counselor n the b/f is moving so i can do 4 my children first..the father is in the picture n is still wanting r relationship 2 work n get his family back but i am just trying to take things slow n get the kids settled 4 now...

Amy - posted on 04/01/2011

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I don't know if his actual father is in the picture or not but if I were him I'd be filing for full custody of my kids. If this situation was the other way around moms would be going crazy about dad moving in with a new girlfriend treating their child the way your current boyfriend is. If he won't leave I suggest you find your own apartment and break the lease and then deal with those consequences down the road. I would also get your son into counseling to help him process everything that is going on, and to start rebuilding your relationship with him and worry about the boyfriend when you've made things more stable for your children.

Nakia - posted on 04/01/2011

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Im not sure what state you live in but, in most states living with another man or woman while you are still technically married to someone else is a crime and can be used against you in a custody battle. Im not trying to be mean just saying becareful.

Krista - posted on 04/01/2011

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Keep us posted, and if don't be shy to call on us if you need advice, information or a sounding board, okay?

Firebird - posted on 04/01/2011

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I second everything that Carolyn said..... and that's all I'm going to say about this.

Kate CP - posted on 04/01/2011

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Kick his ass out, deal with the separation, and THEN deal with a new relationship.

[deleted account]

He's not leaving no matter what? Sounds like a real jerk.

I'm sorry you are having to deal w/ this. Definitely find someone to talk to. If he won't leave.... maybe you guys could? Lease or not there has to be a way out.

Nicole - posted on 04/01/2011

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THANK U ALL..YES HE WAS INTRODUCED way to soon and that is my fault,now i have a prob n trying 2 fix it..n i feel my b/f should be making some kind of thoughts onto help n not just say hes a child and has to deal with it cuz he aint going nowere now were in a lease 2gether n now hes saying hes not leaving no matter what so we all have 2 deal with it....yes it is a crazy mess i got i always plus always confused,having to make a dicision 4 my family on whats best, n then hruting other people in the process but im not trying to hurt my kids and ruin them anymore then whats already happened..

JuLeah - posted on 04/01/2011

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Of course he wants his dad ... very normal. Sounds like the new bf was introduced waaay too soon. Maybe have him back off a bit and spend time with him when the kids are not around. Maybe, in time, have the bf spend one-on-one with your son and develop a friendship.
Listen to your kid. He is talking to you and telling you something very important with the only language he has; his behavior

Krista - posted on 04/01/2011

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ive been tryin 2 tell my b/f n hes like thinking im just giving my son whatever he wants like im supposed to just ignore his feeling n hes supposed to just deal with it well i dont like that...

I wouldn't like that either. That would really bother me. Your little boy is only FOUR, and his world has been torn apart, and your boyfriend expects him to just suck it up?

I don't know, Nicole. That doesn't sound very good. A truly decent man would be a bit more sensitive to your kids' needs, I'm thinking.

I think you have a lot of thinking to do.

My only warning: if you DO decide to set aside your boyfriend (and honestly, that's what I would do), make sure you explain, gently but firmly, to your kids that this does not mean that you and their dad are getting back together. It just means that Mummy realizes that she needs to keep her focus on her little ones for now, during this tough time.

Medic - posted on 04/01/2011

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I dated my husband for 7 months before he even met my son. My son was 14 months when they met and I had been divorced for a year. I don't know how to tell you to undo what you did but now would be a good time to rearrange your perogatives. Your boyfriend does not sound like he even cares about your childs feelings. He needs to go.

[deleted account]

I have to say I agree with the other women here.

My husband and I got together 7 months after his ex left him and their daughter to live with another man. We met on the internet 2 months before meeting in person and we already knew we loved each other and we were going to get married, but I still waited until the ex had been gone a year (and hubby and I had a wedding date) before I moved in (especially since his daughter from that relationship lived with him full time). I would not have been with him if he had tried to move me in earlier or if he had made his daughter live with me if she didn't like me.

If your bf really cares about you, then he will understand that you need to put your son (and all your kids) first. If that means moving out then that's what needs to happen and he needs to understand. I also second Teresa's recomendation of counseling at least for the children. It's hard on kids when their parents split, but it's even harder when a new bf/gf is introduced so early.

Good luck in everything!

Nicole - posted on 04/01/2011

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thank u n no its fine ur not being mean i totally understand..not taking anyones cooments offensive..

[deleted account]

Seriously? You JUST left the boy's father and you're already living w/ another man. I'm sorry, I want to be nice. I really, really do, but think of your son!!

The man you are w/ does not sound like he is sensitive to your son's needs at all. He needs to go.

Yeah, being alone is hard. Trust me. I've been doing it for 3 years, but the well being of your kids HAS to come first and this is too much too soon.

Go speak to a counselor about the best way to clean up this mess now cuz I don't have a clue where you can go from here.

Nicole - posted on 04/01/2011

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i thoutght it was going to be fine n we really cared alot about eachother n now this has been goin on since we moved here n my son says he dont want me with him and he so angry.i just was trying to see if ending the relationship would be the right thing to do...i try and talk to my son but he just dont understand he just wants me with his dad..well his dad and me.says he dont want me with my boyfreind forever its like he likes him but only like a family memeber not for us 2 be 2gether n dont know how 2 deal with that ive been tryin 2 tell my b/f n hes like thinking im just giving my son whatever he wants like im supposed to just ignore his feeling n hes supposed to just deal with it well i dont like that...

Nicole - posted on 04/01/2011

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OH ALSO CAROLYN WE ALREADY LIVE TOGETHER and now im deciding on to let him go or figure something else out for my son...i feel like my sons needs r for more important then mine but its also hard at the same time.....i totally agree with all these suggestion tho n greatly appreciate it...

Carolyn - posted on 04/01/2011

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oh if your looking specifically for helping your son realize you are not going to reconcile with his father, try telling him , in words he will understand, that mom and dad have decided it is better for everyone that we live apart. Tell him you understand its hard right now, but in time it will get easier, and that you will be there to help him, listen to him and comfort him in anyway you can.

Encourage him to share his feelings with you through words instead of taking it out on his sisters, so you can help him figure all this out.

I might even apologize for bringing some else into the picture so soon, and reassure him that it wont happen again without talking to him and addressing his feelings about it first.

Krista - posted on 04/01/2011

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I think that you and your boyfriend need to hit the "pause" button.

Think about it from your son's perspective: you just left his dad, his family's broken up, and all of a sudden there's this new guy in the picture, who is basically ruining his hope of you and his dad getting back together.

Personally, I think you brought this new boyfriend into the picture WAAAAYYYY too early. Your kids' world has just been completely torn out from underneath them. That's a lot to process. And introducing a new boyfriend is yet even more instability in their world.

But, you can't go back and change the past, so for now, I think the best thing to do is to put on the brakes. Slow things down with this man and tell him that you need to focus on your children right now, because they need you. If he's a good guy, he'll understand and will wait patiently.

Consider getting family counselling so that your son can deal with all of these overwhelming changes.

Louise - posted on 04/01/2011

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This is natural and at 4 you can sit your son down and tell him straight that both mummy and daddy love him very much but they do not love each other any more. Ask him if he wants mummy to be happy. Hopefully he will say yes! Then tell him that your new boyfriend makes mummy happy and you feel sad when he is rude and mad at his sisters. Also make it very clear to him that he can see his daddy and talk to him on the phone and Skype (if you have it) Encourage your ex to be available for that phone call and keep him informed of what you are saying to your son and hopefully he will tell him the same. He needs stability at the moment as his world has just fallen apart. Try and do fun things together like a picnic at the park where he can play football with the new guy and start to bond with him. Set up a routine with his dad that he takes him every saturday or something so he knows that he is going to see his dad at the end of each week. Once you have done all this he will settle down and learn his new routine and hopefully turn into that little boy you know and love again.

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