pregnancy!! girlfriend dumps me for not knowing how many weeks she is and when is her due date.

Mannie - posted on 10/08/2014 ( 14 moms have responded )

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hi moms me and my girlfriend had an unplanned pregnancy. I was not happy about it at first, a week of thinking everything through I accepted the change that I am about to experience. however my girlfriend is months currently. we were happy never argue never fought in the first month. until around months she asked me when is her due date, I had to take 3 guesses to get it right because I am not good with numbers. ever since she made that an issue and dumps me saying things are not working between us. she is very irrational, I was also upset because she never wanted me to go to any of her doc appointments and I was interested to go since we found out she was pregnant, specially the gender day. I brought a fight because I really wanted to go. ever since she went to the gender day alone and found out we are having a girl she hated me, and says that she doesn't want me to be in the babys life and that she would not put me in the birth certificate. and she wont let me know if she is in labor. are this threats real? I responded by saying that we will do a paternity test after baby is born and we are not talking now but we live in the same apartment.

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Raye - posted on 10/09/2014

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Pregnancies do really weird things to women's bodies and the chemicals and hormones rolling around in there easily affect mood and create irritability. One pregnant woman I knew would yell at her boyfriend for just looking at her. There's not always any rational thought behind these kinds of outbursts. Men don't usually understand all the difficulties with being pregnant... besides the hormones... the woman's hair or teeth could fall out, she could develop diabetes or other ailments, etc. And even if it's not that extreme there are still the aches and pains of their bodies stretching out and organs smooshing up to accommodate the growing child. The farther along they are it often becomes more difficult to find a comfortable resting position, which leads to lack of sleep, which can lead to more bad moods.

I'm sure you know your girlfriend is going through a very emotional time, and I know you are too. You both should sit down and try to calmly talk about what's really bothering each of you. If she's so upset that you didn't know her due date, she may be feeling like you are not thinking enough about the future or don't care enough to have thought it out. She knew you weren't that excited about the pregnancy at the beginning, and now everything will make her question your commitment to her and your child. The threats about leaving your name off the birth certificate and all that could be (I hope) a test to see how determined you are to be in the child's life. In my opinion, it seems like she's giving you an out and waiting to see if you'll take it. She is feeling very insecure right now, and needs your help to comfort her.

If you want to continue a relationship with her, since you live together, I would suggest trying to do little things for her... bring her a blanket if she looks cold, make her a cup of tea or hot chocolate or ice water, turn on a fan if she's hot, sit as close to her as she will allow, touch her hand or her knee, rub her shoulders or her feet, give her small gestures that you care and maybe she'll start to believe you. Or, if you don't want to be with her, but still want to be involved in the child's life, then you must talk this out and explain to her that, even if you're not with her, you intend to be a father to your child. Try not to make threats back to her, because that won't help. But do let her know that you're serious.

If she continues with the threats and one of you moves out, then you will have to take her to court to establish paternity and get visitation rights to your child.

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Mannie - posted on 12/04/2014

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Hi everyone I would like to follow up on this and help me with your responses. I looked through my girlfriend phone once when she forgot it at home, I thought she was acting crazy and pushing me away because there is another guy in the picture. I found nothing however I went through her text messages with her mom. I looked at the date of their conversation it was just a week of us living together. basically she painted a bad image of me to her mom. in the text she told her mom that I call her stupid and selfish, that i told her to get a loan so i can get myself a car and so I can pay my student loan. the only correct thing on that text message is that I did call her selfish. also on that text message she messaged her mom that she just wanted to go home. i call her mom and explained to her mom that i did call her selfish but everything else is wrong. i told her mom that i love her and i changed my life for her. her mom told me upfront that she doesn't like the idea that we are living together before marriage and that we should live separate until we get to know each other. i told her mom its too late to live separate now because we have a baby now on the way and i want to be there and support her daughter throughout the pregnancy and after the pregnancy. from my point of view it seems like my girlfriend did love me before but because of the pressure and bad mouth about us living together before marriage from her mom that made her uncomfortable to live with me. anyway i don't blame her mom because my ex girlfriend is an adult and she should make her own decision. she currently moved back with her mom. i texted her and said that i am not going to be a part of game or fairytale in which we have a baby together, we have a home for the baby. but we have to live separate, get to know each other and marry. I told her I accepted that we are over as couples and i just want to be a good father for my daughter. I told her we should do 50/50 custody after baby is born and go our separate way. she said she will think about it she will not let someone she barely knows to be her daughter. she will not do 50/50 and the only way i will get 50/50 is through court. I said okay court will do it for us then. she quickly replied i will c you in court. I was hurt because. I told her why she hates me so much to the point she wants to keep my daughter away from me. she said I don't think anyone who has to do paternity test deserves anything. doesn't makes sense to me, she threatens to not put me in birth certificate as the father. and threatens to not let me see my daughter before she is even born. my ex is now 7 months pregnant. I told her if she is my daughter then why is she planning to use her to hurt me. and why is she trying to keep her away from me. I would appreciate your feedbacks on this situation. she keeps replying I will c you in court.

Mannie - posted on 10/09/2014

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I will be patient and positive about the outcome. However I will not take action to initate us working things out for now. She insulted me by saying I should move on and that I am trying to change the outcome of something that will never change. I believe it is my illusion of I have to do something because I messed up or because things are not working that got me in this mess. I will give her space and I will try one last attempt after a long period of no cantact with her. Through out this time I will continue to work on myself, I will finish parenting classes that I just started and I will buy something for our unborn baby every months. i will also save up for an authorney in case she carried with her threat to not put me on the birth certificate or the threat of her keeping the baby away from me. I really love her but I also love her enough to let her go and live the life she wants. Thanks mom's feedback and comments will be appreciated.

Miriam - posted on 10/09/2014

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Okay but again, just realize she cannot be that person right now if she is hormonal.. do you understand? To you she might seem irrational and hateful and disrespectful but she is probably not seeing it that way. One other thing you can do is to ask someone to "mediate" between you guys. As people, we act and respond differently when someone is present. Keep in mind it is best is this person is completely neutral and knows little of the situation, and it is someone you both can agree on. Just approach her very casually and ask if she is willing to talk to a therapist or someone neutral for a last attempt on working things out for the sake of the child. If she says no, don't focus only on her negativity. Just keep being patient and keep doing nice things for her without "pushing it." Again, she might just be emotional and not knowing how to communicate it. Stay positive. ;)

Mannie - posted on 10/09/2014

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Hi mariam thanks for the response, I believe in communication its hard to to know whats bothering her if she doesn't want to share how she is feeling with me or whats bothering her about our relationship, instead Of her bottling up her emotions and making small things into big fights and making something out Of nothing, I believe if she communicate things with me. I am flexible to do whatever it takes, I shower her with compliments daily, call her beautiful and say to her that's she is important to me. I feel like she is not seeing how much she means to me, I even made a love song for her and played it for her, I went out of my way to get her to notice that I do love her and that she is very important to me. I had came to realization that I cannot force her to see my love for her and that is what I stepped back and put a stop to her disrespectful and hateful attitude towards me. I feel I dont deserve it because she is refusing or unwilling to tell me the root cause of her new behavior. She is 5 months and two weeks now and she is due February 6th. she was everything I wanted in a woman throughout our relationship and during the first 4 months of her pregnancy. We hangout alot and we never got into nasty arguments. the Nasty arguments and fights tarred when we moved in together, in just the first week of living together she wanted out already and wants me to finish someone to replace her. I dont know if she is testing me or playing with my emotions. I do understand that woman become emotional and hormonal because of pregnancy and I am willing to deal with that and ride it out on the train with her until we see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like she jumped out of our train when we are in the dark tunnel. I just hope she comes back to her senses because right now she has the power to decide how she wants things to turn. any comments feedback will appreciate it thanks moms.

Miriam - posted on 10/09/2014

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Hey Mannie, sounds like you are both in a very sticky situation. I did not read all the comments but one thing to consider is the emotional roller coaster a woman goes through because of hormone changes. Sounds like the things she went off on you about may seem unreasonable and childish to you, but maybe they were important to her. And although it sounds like you were trying.. there might have been some ill feelings from her since you had a bit of a disappointing reaction at the very beginning of finding out she was pregnant. I noticed you started your post with "my girlfriend had an unplanned pregnancy." I believe that this is why it is so crucial for couples to plan pregnancies and really be careful when you are not married that you do not put yourself in a situation such as this... because although, I dont know your ages, you both sound pretty young, and maybe unprepared to face these things. See... my husband would never have put it on me to have gotten pregnant... haha... that would be ridiculous.. WE are pregnant.. we did this together, and we have to get through it together... but those are things that are different when you are married. It is easier to say "it's over" when you have not given the woman you love enough respect to marry her and make her your life companion... anyway, that's another subject, but it sounds like although it may have been sudden to you, there were things she was already unhappy about and with the hormones being all over the place... she overreacted a bit on smaller issues. Just keep an open mind and read up a lot on women and hormones during pregnancy... although I dont support this kind of thing much.. .watch movies that are related... such as "Fireproof" (for the relationship part) and "Knocked up" (for the pregnancy out of wedlock); it might help to put things in the other person's perspective too. :) Hope it helps and that somehow you will both find a way to co-parent, even if you dont end up together.. for the sake of that sweet angel.

Mannie - posted on 10/09/2014

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Raye Ramsey thanks again for your feedback. Our name is both on the lease, and I dont understand why she would tell me ro find someone to replace her and she is not willing to find someone herself. I do believe there is more than what she is telling me. I believe their are outisde people she is listening to and allowed to get in between us. For example for the doc appointment for gender day. She only wanted her mom and her sister to be there. Even though I took work off and was ready to go. Also any of her appointment previous to that I always took work off and showed interest in going but she always had excuse and some how pushed me off not to go. I did not make a big deal out of it but I did make a big deal about the birthday appointment. Also before moving in together she always said once we move in together she can let me use her car if she is not using it. within the first week we we moved in I asked her once of I can or if she can go me a ride. She flat out said no because her she worked so hard to get that car and letting me use it is like her giving me a free car. I told her she is being selfish and that i dont like the new attitude she has. She got her mom on the phone to explain to me why I cant use her car, her mom said because we are not married and because insurance will not allow someone else to use her car. I offered that she can add me to her insurance and I will help her pay, that way I am responsible too if anything happen. She flat out said no, I dropped it and told her I will not ask her for her car again. so I believe her mom is in between us. also her older sister has a baby with someone and she has full custody and she has been sleeping over at her older sister house since we moved together, so I believe her older sister is putting things in her head and she might be following her older sisters footsteps. I got angry and told her was this a set up from beginning was this planned out by you and your parents? She is adopted by the way not biological parents. my point is everything was going smooth, straight and everything was looking clear. Then we moved in together its like everything became a puzzle to be solved in a span of 1-3 weeks. I this point I can do nothing because she is refusing to communicate and refusing to work things out, I am just going to wait and see how everything plays out. I have put the ball on her court by moving in together because it was her idea and for the benefits of all of us including our unborn child, I have showed alot of interest that I am willing to be involved with her and do everything together us couples. I have also made it clear that I love her and will be there for her if she needs me but I will not allow her to be disrespectful, cold, distant and unwilling to communicate for no reasons. The ball is on her court and I am moving on in life. Any feedback will be appreciated thanks moms

Raye - posted on 10/09/2014

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If both of your names are on the lease, then she should either pay her share of the money owed until the end of the lease, or help you find another roommate if you need one. If only your name is on the lease and she's being that hostile, it may be better to cut your losses and distance yourself from her as soon as you can. Find a roommate yourself, if you need one. None of the "might move out February depending on how things go" crap. She's still trying to string you along. If she doesn't want the relationship, then she needs to be an adult, be responsible for herself and her child, and find a place where she can start building the life she wants (and let you get on with your life).

There has to be so much more going on than what she's telling you. And if she won't communicate, there's really nothing you can do to change her mind. Look out for you. Once the baby is born, try to do right by the child. That's what you can do.

Mannie - posted on 10/09/2014

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Her lease on her old apartment before us moving together just ended on 9/29 of this year I feel like she used me because everyone since we moved in together. She changed to cold distant, unwilling to communicate, to hangout, making nothing out of something and never being home.

Mannie - posted on 10/09/2014

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Hi raye thanks for responding. I am 100 percent sure I am the father she has bee. Faithful to me and very respectful, caring and loving before we moved in together to the point I forget that she is pregnant sometimes. our sex life was good and she does most of the imitating conversation. there is nothing I did wrong beside calling her out on her bullshit like why she doesnt want me to be involved now and sometimes it turns into arguments and fights. The one wrong thing she told me when I asked her I dont know why you are treating me like this I have done nothing wrong to you. She said"you dont know how many weeks I am or when I am due without taking 3 guesses. Also The reason she said things are not working between is I am always loud and she doesnt want to raise our unborn daughter in a hostile environment. the reason she said I am always loud is because the day of the gender day appointment. I was trying to cook and dishes made some noise, she asked me to not make noise and I was quite to her request and did not make noise anymore. I was quite because I did not want things to turn to an argument or fight. Thats the same day she texted me saying I should look for someone to move in and replace her. I agreed but I also told her to look or to talk to landlord to look for us. She refused! then I told her I am not going to look for someone to replace you either. We do have two separate rooms. She did not tell me than we are going to live as roommates and from my point of view she was head over heels in love with me. But writhing the first week of us living together, she totally changed to cold, distant, unwilling to communicate, to hangout, to give me a ride if I need one. that made me very insecure I was never insecure our whole relationship. Your right it does seem like she lead me to believe we would remain couples. She said the outcome of her not wanting to be with me will never change and that I should move on. I told her I did move on and I do not want to be with her because she just became very disrespectful, hateful and distance towards me in the span of one to 3 weeks of living together, she did not even give time for us to learn to live comfortable with each other and just ended our relationship based on the fact that dishes I was trying to cook with made noise and that I took 3 guesses to know her due date. currently we still live together but we are not communicating because I told her I will not allow myself to get disrespected again and she toldnme not to cantact her in anyway until our dna test. She is due to give birth on February, she said she might move out February depending on how things go, she doesnt specifically mentioned what she meant by that. Our lease ends July of next year. I told her my plan is to raise family in one home and if she is serious about me she would stay if she is not only Time will tell. Any advice, feedback will be appreciated moms.

Raye - posted on 10/09/2014

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Is there a reason to think you are not the father? Maybe she's pushing you away from guilt if there was someone else that could be the father. She may think she's doing you a favor by not keeping you involved if she's not sure you really are the father.

If she didn't sleep with anyone else, and there's really no question about you being the father, then I really don't know why she would try to cut you out unless you did something she considers really wrong. Not accusing you, I don't know your situation. Have you asked her what happened that the relationship is no longer working?

So, you live together, but have separate rooms? Has she talked about one of you moving? Does she only want you there to help with rent? Did she tell you before you moved in together that you would just be roommates? Seems like she led you to believe you would remain a couple. This whole thing seems really strange.

Mannie - posted on 10/09/2014

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Hi moms thanks for the replies I appreciate it, when we had our biggest fight because she wouldnt let me go to the gender day apartment. We both said some nasty tjings to each other. However the next day for the first time in one year of datinf i bough her flowers to apologize and to tell her that i will be happy to go to the next appoinntment. She accepted the flowers, two days later she randomly dumped me through text message saying things are not working between us. she became very disrespectful towards me and ignores me. For example ever since we moved together she stopped being flexible to hangout, to communicate, or to compromise anything we disagree about. she stopped giving me rides because I dont have my own vehicles, she took all her dishes in her room and told me to buy my own and also this happened within the span one to three weeks pf living together. She never gave me hard time before we moved in together. She doesnt sleep at home most of the time. i have asked my girlfriend I told her i feel like I am not being as involved in this pregnancy, tell me what do I need to do? And she ignores me for a day. if I ask her how she is doing? She gives me one word response, if I try to start conversation with her, she kicks me out of her room. We never look eye to eye when we talk. Thats when I said I will enough, i told her I will not put myself in a postitition to be disrespected again. I told her I put up with her behavior for a while since moving in together because I thought it was the pregnancy hormones and I was will I to do anything to make her happy. i told her i will wait for paternity test because she is already keeping me out of child life by not wanting me to be involved right now and making threats that she wont put me on the birth certificate, I realize she is taking me for granted.she said she dont want me to talk to her until we get dna I told her fine because I end up getting disrespected whenever I try to talk to her. What do you think of the sittuations moms? Where do I draw the line between if its her hormones making her be like this, Or if this is actually her? By the way she was very sweet, nice and caring before we moved in together and I know she loved me alot but now through her actions I feel like she put on her best face and behavior so I could move in with her. Thanks moms

Guest - posted on 10/09/2014

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If you are not married, she doesn't legally have to put you on the birth certificate, but that does NOT mean she can cut you out of the child's life. As the father, you actually have the same legal rights to the child she has once the baby is born. Secure an attorney and begin the process for creating a court ordered custody agreement.

Make sure your paternity test is approved for use in court--some are, some aren't and if you take one that isn't, you'll have to re do it, and you'll have to pay for both of them.

If you do not get a custody agreement, she can legally keep the child away from you (and you could do the same). If you have a custody agreement, you can file contempt charges against her if she tries to keep the baby from you.

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