pregnant 20yo daughter

Marie - posted on 09/19/2015 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My 20yo daughter is 8 months pregnant. Her bf has been confused and treating her terribly. My daughter loves him and is doing everything she can you keep him in her life. It's basically a one sided relationship. He tell her repeatedly that he wants a life with her and the baby,but actions show something different. My husband and I have been very involved in their relationship because the beginning of the pregnancy was absolute hell with him. Then he came around and we grew to care for him. About 4wks ago he started to act differently and ignored our daughter. Parties all the time hangs out with girls says he has no money for her or the baby yet goes out to clubs and bars. Anyways, he's blaming our involvement on some of his behaviour. So apparently according to him and his mother we need to stsy out of it. How is this possible when she lives in my house and I see her emotional turmoil. She's continuing to loose weight cries all the time. It's killing me that I'm just suppose to sit back and see this guy destroy my daughter and her baby. I want to shake him I want to tell at him I want to talk to him but I'm not allowed to!!!! If I continue to get involved I will lose her and my grand daughter. My husband wants to confront him and tell him he needs to be a man and figure out what he wants. We don't know what to do his parents are no help his friends are awful. They put pressure on him to dump her. Want to talk to him so badly we were so close and now he's just a stranger that won't even cone to our house to see her. I'm in so much pain and this relationship is destroying my marriage and our entire family. He says it's non of my business and I'm controlling and obsessed with their relationship. Is it wrong for me to feel so distraught? I don't think so, I'm so concerned for the wellbeing of this baby. I font even know how this pregnancy is still going strong with all the heartache and stress he puts on her. Please HELP!!

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/19/2015

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I'll copy and paste so that you know where I'm at here. First, I'm blunt, so take it with that in mind.
"We have never ever insulted him in anyway."~~You've never insulted him THAT YOU KNOW OF. You are not in his head. and you don't know how he hears what you say to or about him. In your post you've implied that you aren't in total approval of this guy, even before the pregnancy. Unless he lives under a rock, he's aware of that, and your continued over involvement is now making him uncomfortable to the point where he's begun to treat your daughter poorly.
"she is always in my face crying telling me the things he does to her"~~Well, you are her mother. However, that means that you give a shoulder, and advice, but not pushy, overbearing advice. Let her cry, pat her on the back, let her know that being an adult isn't always easy, that you love her, but that you'd like to see her take a more active role in being pregnant. stressing out isn't healthy for her or baby, and she needs to be prepared to be a single parent, just in case. This isn't a time to baby her, its a time to teach her how to survive as a strong woman.
"this is an emotionally abusive relationship"~~I get it. However, SHE has to make a decision whether or not to stay in a permanent relationship or try to develop a successful co-parenting scenario. You pushing doesn't help.
"she will be in our house fir quite sometime and our family will be entangled in this toxic relationship with a baby"~~Um, apparently this is a choice that you have made. She's an adult, and well capable enough to live on her own, even as a single parent, support herself, and child, and have a successful co-parenting relationship. She doesn't HAVE TO LIVE IN YOUR HOME. That is a choice that you have made. If you aren't happy with that, let her know, help her find an appropriate flat, and move her out. My adult child has been on his own since he was 19, not because we're horribly awful parents who demanded he leave, but because it is a natural progression for our children to reach adulthood and move on.
"We have had to take total baby responsibility emotionally and financially because she has zero money he has no money his parents haven't pitched in at all either."~~No, you didn't HAVE to take total financial responsibility, you CHOSE to do so. These two people are BOTH ADULTS. Of course his parents aren't helping...he's and ADULT, and they are presumably expecting him to take responsibility for his actions. Your daughter, also an ADULT, chose to have sexual relations, resulting in this pregnancy. In no way were you obligated to do anything. You CHOSE to do so. It is not mature to make a choice like that and then martyr yourself by making it sound like you are doing it because you HAVE to.
As for the rest? Its a relationship. An immature one, to be sure, but they're adults. THEY GET TO LEARN HOW TO HANDLE THESE THINGS.
Personally, I think your daughter needs to move out of your home, get into therapy, get into parenting classes, and get on her feet. She needs to be prepared to be a single parent, and she needs to prepare to co parent with this man. HE needs to man up, and decide whether he wants a relationship with the mother of his child, or whether he prefers to co-parent. They both need parenting classes, and some guidance, professional guidance to help them get straightened out on things. I understand that you still want to be that Mom that is totally involved, like we were when they were in kindergarten, but it's time to step back. Be supportive, be around, but don't be so overbearingly pushy and controlling of things that you continue to jeopardize this relationship/family unit.

Dove - posted on 09/19/2015

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You need to tell her that if she wants to be w/ him she needs to be w/ him... as in move out of your house and get on w/ her life. If she wants to live in your home then she needs to seek counseling because the way she is going about this is not healthy for her or her baby and you refuse to let her just sit around and suffer.

Is she working or attending college? If not... that is another stipulation to staying in your home. She needs to either have at least a part time job or be taking some college courses (since she's about to give birth... maybe a class or two online).

I would let her know that if she moves out her and the child are always welcome to come back, but you can't sit around any longer and watch her destroy herself. Time for some tough love... which hurts, but is necessary for some young adults.

Angelica - posted on 09/21/2015

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I had my son when I was 21yrs old and I can tell you that your involvement will only further push him away bc it is obvious he isn't trying to make things right the only thing you can do is encourage your daughter to be the best mother she can be. Tell her to watch Tony Gaskins on Youtube I have learned a lot watching his videos. Let her know you have her back and her best interest at heart not by talking so much but making her feel it. You can not change a man you can only make him want to change for you. You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. If he only wants to party he deff is not ready for a family and unfortunately you cant force him you can so EMPOWER your daughter. It will make all the difference in her future.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/19/2015

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Its ok for you to be concerned, but its more than time for you and your husband to back the hell out of your ADULT child's relationships! It doesn't matter that she lives with you, that doesn't make it any more your business than it would if she lived halfway around the world.
Pushy parents, and pushy inlaws are annoyingly irritating, and it only increases with time. Did you ever stop to think that, perhaps, you HAVE pushed this young man away by being pushy, overbearing and entirely too controlling of your adult daughter's life? She's a big girl. No different, really, than any OTHER adult that you would have living in your home. You wouldn't presume to be so overly involved in any OTHER adult's relationship, now would you? Just because she's your daughter doesn't give you the rights to know and be involved in everything in her life any more, regardless of residence.
Yeah, the guy needs to man up, but he's not going to do it with you and your husband being overbearing and pushy, constantly telling him what a loser he is for not taking care of your daughter. Perhaps it's time for her to get herself an abode away from the apron strings so that she and the father of this child can try to at least repair a co-parenting relationship without your restraints.

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Marie - posted on 09/19/2015

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We are in the process of her getting help. It was one of the stipulations for her being allowed to stay in our home. She's seeing a counselor next week. Also doing online college classes. So it's a start. I am trying very hard to not let her get to me. I haven't engaged in any advice for two days now. I know I need to do what you've suggested and I will.

Marie - posted on 09/19/2015

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Wow. I understand what you are saying. We have never ever insulted him in anyway. The thing is that she is always in my face crying telling me the things he does to her. That is very difficult to deal with as a mother. We haven't seen him in weeks we haven't contacted him in anyway. I was just reaching out to mom's that might understand how I'm feeling as I watch my daughter in pain 24hrs a day. This is a very emotionally abusive relationship that she chooses to stay in. I know I can't change that. I just needed help in how to cope with this stressful situation. Knowing that he's with other women and she accepts this is very very difficult to watch. We have had to take total baby responsibility emotionally and financially because she has zero money he has no money his parents haven't pitched in at all either. Remember that she will be in our house fir quite sometime and our family will be entangled in this toxic relationship with a baby. I have no intention on confronting him. I just reached out for emotional help and instead you chose to insult our feelings and very serious situation. They are 20 but they are both acting like they are 14yo soon to be parents. The only times we spike with him about their relationship wS when she was 4months pregnant and the girl he was hanging out with send our daughter a picture of her and our daughters bf in bed naked at 3am. The second time was when his friends crashed our nephews 2yo bday party because they wanted him to leave and go to bars with him. He left and my daughter had a meltdown in front of our whole family. It upset everyone so much that I had to leave with her. Maybe none of this matters to you because your not living it the way we are.

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