pregnant in an unhappy marriage

Georgina - posted on 02/05/2015 ( 29 moms have responded )

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My marriage is falling apart. I have a 16 year old son and 11 year old daughter. My husband had an affair, (he is a good father) and while we were talking about a trial separation - I thought having another child might bring us back together. Against my husbands advice I got pregnant. Now I am 19 weeks pregnant and he hasn't touched me since I told him I'm pregnant. , I cry daily thinking about being a single mom with two teens and a new infant to take care of. I love my children and hate the thought they may be hurt by my relationship with their father and my stupid decision to have another child. Any advice on how I can save my marriage, or where I can find the strength to deal with being a single mom?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/06/2015

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LOL @ the waddling comment...

Honey please remember, you didn't fail as a wife! He CHOSE to step out on you! HE needs to improve! Not you, as a wife! Please, stop that line of thinking.

Counseling would be great for you. As Sarah mentioned, once your husband sees that you are taking control of your life, and not waiting for his approval, his whole outlook may change as well.

Sarah - posted on 02/06/2015

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First, I agree 100% with the other moms- STOP discussing adult matter with your son. It does not matter how close you are to him, how mature he is, how sensitive he is or if he is receptive. It is not fair to burden your child with adult matters, especially matters involving your marriage. It puts him in a terrible position and changes the dynamic of your relationship from parent/child to one of peers. Find some girlfriends, a therapist, a support group or even clergy to talk to about your marital issues.
Now, you are pregnant. You can't change what has happened you can control how you behave from this point forward. Having this baby is not going to fix your marriage. I am not saying your marriage is unfixable, just that you can't count on the baby as a solution.
You need to answer some questions for yourself:
Do you want to parent this baby no matter the outcome of the relationship? Are you willing to tolerate continued cheating by your husband? Are you prepared to leave your husband? You either don't parent, parent with a cheating spouse or parent alone. When you pick what you can live with, start planning your future and get your ducks in a row. Good Luck.

Tracey - posted on 02/05/2015

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Do you go to church? I know it's not for everyone but in times when nothing seems to be going the way I want it to I find peace and support there. It's a very modern non denominational Christian church. If you are able to forgive your husband the best thing you can do is pull yourself up by the boot straps and take care of you and your baby. Confidence and feeling good about yourself are huge no matter what the outcome is.

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Elisabeth - posted on 09/20/2015

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Realize that your husband made the decision to have an affair and that betrayed your wedding vows and the trust of your and your children. He will have deal with the consequences of making such a selfish decision. Consequently, you chose to bring into the world another life under the false belief this would keep a straying husband into a crumbling marriage. This, too was selfish in that it was done without thinking about the quality of life for the older children and quality of relationships with the older siblings in addition to you and an absentee father. It was cruel and selfish venting frustrations onto a teenage male about the shortcomings of his father creates an inferiority complex into a growing adolescent who is still figuring out his identity. There's a great deal of selfishness in this family, and the chief concern is for the environment in which children and the newborn will live. Obviously both personal and family counseling are in order, but the real focus is on how will you cope with two teenagers and a newborn who now have an estranged relationship with each other and their father. The best advice is to take care of yourself first because all the children pick up their cues from their mother. Go about making changes slowly, because granted this is an unhappy predicament.

Georgina - posted on 02/06/2015

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No you didn't hurt my feelings. I really was surprised by the comments I got on my post, but you ladies were wonderful and gave me so many things to think about that I never would have thought of ....like VD....yuk

I never have been good at loving myself. Maybe because I had a baby when I was sixteen. Always been giving love to everyone, but probably not myself. A difficult thing to do. Never thought about it, but I do think I like myself when I'm not feeling sorry for myself. that's good...right

Sarah - posted on 02/06/2015

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I hope I didn't hurt your feelings, i was just making suggestions. You gotta love yourself first, or you won't be able to love and be loved.

Georgina - posted on 02/06/2015

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Ouch you really know how to hurt a girl I can't remember the last time I was in a library, or a gym. The one thing that I thought of would be volunteering at the local veterinarian or the pound. I have always liked animals, they are much more trusting then people.

Have a long history of bad choices.....starting with getting pregnant when I was only 15 and I was worried about the father even then. Five years and two babies later he married me. He was my first love and the only male I have slept with.. Can't even imagine being with someone else.

Sarah - posted on 02/06/2015

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I am not saying hunt for a new career, but something you'd enjoy. Part-time days at a coffee shop? Volunteer at the day-care at a gym in trade for use of the equipment? the library near me always need volunteers. Just something that is for you, a few hours a week. Keeping busy and working on being content with yourself, not worrying about him, will be better for you and your baby.

Georgina - posted on 02/06/2015

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He would absolutely hate it if I made him wear a condom. Love it. I never thought about him bringing home some disease. Where is my brain? But he hasn't touched me since I told him I was pregnant three months ago so I guess I don't have to worry about it. Guess he has been meeting his needs with someone else, but he never has had a high sex drive. Maybe once a week?

I used to work, but lost my job two years ago when the store I worked in closed. Being 19 weeks pregnant - half way! I really don't think anyone would hire me until after my baby is born. But I should be getting out of the house more, especially now that spring is just around the corner.

Sarah - posted on 02/06/2015

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Georgina, why do you think you can "fix" this, or that you need to be a better wife? He did not cheat because of something you did or did not do. He cheated because he had an opportunity, has no respect for his vows, is selfish and was thinking about himself. STOP taking responsibility for your husband's behavior. You cannot make him stop cheating, you cannot make him happy, you cannot make him stay with you, you cannot fix the problems in the marriage by yourself.
You can prepare for the baby and protect yourself from STDs, you can take control of your own finances, you can go to a therapist alone and work on your self-esteem. Please focus on your own happiness. When you are right with yourself, the other decisions will be easier to make.

Georgina - posted on 02/06/2015

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Thank you Shawnn. I have so much to find out before I can make a good decision. Hopefully better then the one I made and got pregnant. However, I have wanted to have another baby for ten years and I think I just used my failing marriage as an excuse. Not a good choice, but my hormones made me do it. The timing could of been better.

I am going to look for an opportunity this weekend to talk to my husband and find out if he feels our marriage can be saved, what he wants from me and I already know the answer but ask him if he would go to counseling with me. Hell will be freezing over. Love my kids and I still love the cheating creep I married. I know I can be a better wife if given a chance.

waddling after the ducks......

And No more cheating!! Big talk huh.

Sarah - posted on 02/06/2015

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Now you know two things:you are going to parent and you are not prepared to leave your husband. Focus your energy on making the best of the situation. If your hubby refuses therapy, go alone. When he sees that you are taking control and benefiting from getting help, he will decide to join you. Rather than trying to make your husband happy, make yourself happy. If you don't work, go find a part time job you enjoy, join a gym, spend time with friends, do things that will build yourself esteem and take your mind off your spouse. Happiness is a choice and if you choose to be happy with what you've got, you will set a good example for your children. You may be surprised that when your focus changes from trying to fix your marriage to make your hubby stay, to making yourself content your husband will respond.
If your husband has been unfaithful, please do not continue to have sex without a condom (at least). You don't want to expose yourself or your baby to a disease.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/06/2015

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That's ok, Georgina, because you didn't realize that there would be a lot of ducks to wrangle!

Just hang in there. Step by step, get things together. Start getting yourself a nest egg, so that you're not financially strapped. Work on your self esteem. You ARE a strong woman. Want to know why? You've had two kids already and are going to have a 3rd. You show me any man that can go through that...! So, take that strong, and apply it to other areas of your life.

Your son is going to continue to ask if you're ok. Mine does, when he sees I'm upset...that means that you've raised a compassionate kid that notices his surroundings! Just tell him that you don't feel right making him take the burden of your venting, in this case, but that you love him for caring enough to ask...He'll understand. He just wants his momma to feel right again.

Please, speak with clergy or someone. Not your mom at this point, you don't need the "I told you so" crap.

Georgina - posted on 02/06/2015

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Ok I get the point on my son. I never thought abut how I was changing my relationship with him by talking to him as a peer or even a girl friend. Got it.

In answer to your questions.....I will not give up my baby, can't do that. No, I am not mentally or financially ready to leave my husband. I really don't know the answer to your other question. Guess my ducks are not in a row yet.

Raye - posted on 02/06/2015

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We may not always say what people are expecting to hear, but that doesn't mean we're not trying to be helpful. We're giving our honest opinions based on our experiences. And they are only opinions. You can ignore them if you want, that's your choice.

People screw up all the time. What matters now is what you do about it. Be a responsible parent and think about your kids. They will be better off with parents that split up rather than with parents that stay unhappy in a loveless marriage. So, even if your husband stays with you for the sake of the kids, it's probably not doing any of you any good in the long run. You would be teaching your kids that their mother has no self respect, that it's okay to cheat on your spouse, and any number of other bad life lessons. It's not healthy.

Georgina - posted on 02/06/2015

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Thank you for being honest with me. I have to talk to some people before I make another bad decision. I hate to talk to my mother but I guess I should start with her and get an earful of "I told you so's". I am not a strong woman and I am scared to death to be a single mom with a new infant. Really will do most anything to keep my husband and what we have. Seems like all I do is cry .....which makes my son ask me "what's wrong mom?" and then I tell him and yes I know I shouldn't do that to him.

My husband really hasn't told me he wants a divorce, but I know he will want some concession from me for getting pregnant against his advice. Have no idea what that would be. sigh.

Raye - posted on 02/06/2015

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If he won't go to counseling with you, go on your own. You need some serious help to wake up and smell the coffee. Keep hoping that the baby will make all the difference. By some miracle it could. But you know what they say... hope in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up faster. You're delusional, lady. The fact that he wants a DNA test says he doesn't trust you. If he's getting it on the side, he probably feels you could be too. And since he was getting it on the side, there's NO WAY you should trust him. So, yay, happy marriage material right there. Good luck to you and your kids. You're going to need all the luck you can get.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/06/2015

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You're NOT a bad mom, Georgina, and you're not dumb! You did as most of us do at least once in our lives...You made a couple of poorly thought out choices. Everyone does at least once!

It seems, however, that your husband has given you his choice. He didn't want the baby, he still doesn't want the baby, and he's not likely to want the baby after it's born, when he specifically stated that he didn't want another. If he won't go for counseling, I still think that you should. It will help you handle whats to come.

You need to be prepared for the worst. If it doesn't happen, great, but it's better to be prepared. Can you handle being on your own with two teens and a newborn? will you be able to financially support yourself and them, with assistance from their father? Will you be strong and stable enough to be a single parent? These are all things that you SERIOUSLY need to consider. You don't want a divorce, we get that. However, it sounds as if he isn't ready to stay in the relationship, between cheating and not wanting this baby...

Georgina - posted on 02/06/2015

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Thank you for your advice. Not what I wanted to hear and frankly I expected more support from other women. I feel like I'm a bad mom for talking to my son and a dumb wife for getting pregnant against my husbands wishes. I obviously made a bad decision when I decided to have another baby....I get that.

. My husband won't go to any sort of counseling and demands that I get a DNA test to prove my baby is his. I know he is the father. We haven't talked divorce yet, at least not in final way. Once the baby is born he will be better since he really likes kids. At least I hope so.

Raye - posted on 02/06/2015

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A poor innocent child should never be used ... either as a way to save a relationship, or as a way to make the other person suffer. I hate people that try to manipulate their partners or ex-partners by using their kids. Stupid, stupid, stupid! And so totally unfair to that child.

Your husband cheated. Whatever else was happening in your relationship, it was HIS choice to do that and that act is not your fault.

Your husband cheated. Why the fcuk would you want to still be with him after that? That is a huge betrayal, and my husband knows that that's one thing that means instant divorce. Most relationships can never recover fully after cheating. And the most successful couples that do get over it got divorced first and then rebuilt their relationship from scratch.

Do not vent to your son. That is more than he should have to deal with. You should have thought before you got pregnant that being a single mom of two would be better than being a single mom of three, one being a newborn and completely reliant on you. But now that it's done, you need to try to be smarter about your decisions going forward. Talk to a counselor, pastor, or someone more qualified to give you assistance on either saving your marriage and/or coping with divorce and being a single mother.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/06/2015

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Stop venting to your 16 year old. He shouldn't have to deal with that. Talk to a counselor, a pastor, your mother...but don't vent to your 16 YO. That's way too much stress to put on him.

Seriously, you chose to allow yourself to get pregnant in an attempt to 'save' your marriage. That should have been done through counseling, not having another baby. Expressly going against your spouse's wishes is NEVER going to turn out well.

I recommend that you get some counseling, and figure out how you're going to handle this. Technically, your husband is the child's father, but I wouldn't blame him if he tries to relinquish his rights to this one, since he specifically stated to you that a baby wouldn't work.

I'd also try marriage counseling, to see if, perhaps, there's something salvageable.

Good luck.

Georgina - posted on 02/06/2015

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My son and I are very close and he has always been very sensitive. He is excited about my pregnancy which is more then I can say about my husband daughter. I do think my husband loves me and our family, he just has other needs, that apparently I can't provide.

Jodi - posted on 02/05/2015

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You shouldn't be venting to your 16 year old son. That isn't fair on him.

However, you do need to stop blaming yourself for his cheating. He made that choice and it had nothing to do with you being a better wife.

Georgina - posted on 02/05/2015

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I vent to my son and it drives him crazy...lol. I really haven't told my mother anything, she doesn't even know that my husband is cheating on me. Just feel that I should have been a better wife and give more attention to my husband. I don't believe he will ever feel it's up to him to make things right. He wants me to have a DNA test to prove that our baby is his! He has always been able to make me feel guilty.

I do pray, but I guess my prayers are more like questions.....why me? I used to love riding horses.....dancing.....maybe after I have the baby.

Tracey - posted on 02/05/2015

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I don't think I could personally talk to a priest about my troubles... It's just not my way. I may vent to friends but when things get serious I tend to keep to myself.

I just mean putting your faith in God's plan for you.

You need to get back to feeling good about yourself.. I know it's unlike you but you need to be somewhat selfish right now. He needs to make things right. And so far he is not. Do things you used to do that made you feel good when you were younger...

Georgina - posted on 02/05/2015

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Thank you Tracy. I was raised in a church going family (Episcopalian) and have strayed since I have been married, but my mother has asked me to go with her to church and to talk to our priest. I have felt so stupid for getting pregnant and bringing a child into a loveless marriage that I have not wanted to talk to him. I do forgive my husband and would take him back in a second if I could, if nothing else for my children. Confidence and feeling good about myself are not something I have a lot of.....yet I know that I will do whatever I need to do for my children.

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