User - posted on 10/28/2012 ( no moms have responded yet )
I'm new to this forum. I am 29 yrs old, 16 weeks pregnant with my first child, married to an incredible and wonderful husband. "On paper" my life in this moment is picture-perfect and wants for nothing, but I don't believe I've ever felt so low, depressed, and simply paralyzed by something that is difficult to even try to identify. I feel a great deal of shame and confusion- although this pregnancy was a "surprise," it was something that I had always wanted one day. My husband's family/in-laws are all as supportive and warm as any immediate family imaginable, but I feel that I cannot be honest with them since they are "directly involved" in this baby (who will be the first grandchild, niece/nephew, etc.).
A bit more context- I am also living abroad in Argentina. I mention this because I am not only in an environment with a distinct culture and language (which I do speak and get around with well), but also because my family/friends are thousands of miles away in the US. My husband is amazing and patient with me beyond logic, but since I have become pregnant, it's been very difficult for him since he does not always know "who" he is coming home to after work. I fear I am a burden to the people that I love most, both here and for my family back in the US. I know that it can't be easy for them when someone they care about is in a great deal of turmoil and they can't even give me a physical hug or kiss. So I've stopped calling so much because I fear that if I start talking, the dam is going to burst and I'm just going to wind up disappointing them all or worrying them sick... hence the reason that I feel the only option left available to me is to post on a public internet forum for strangers to see, in hopes that maybe, just maybe, I'm not Alice in Wonderland, that someone else has been there in a way, that my case is so odd that I'm beyond hope.
I'm scrambling to get psychological/psychiatric care here or even some sort of a support group. However, because I really feel the need to express myself in my native tongue, it's not easy to find quality care with someone who really knows English well and who I can speak freely with and not have to deliberately slow down and speak clearly when the opposite is going on in my head. I communicate with no problem with "regular" doctors (ex: dentists), but the need to vent my first language right now is essential.
My incredible job as a teacher in a distinguished international school is inevitably getting compromised- I don't have as much energy to teach, I go to the bathroom during breaks to cry as much as I can to get back in time for class, and I know that kids can and do pick up on moods. Not good. As much as I love my job, I feel like a "soldier" who has no choice but to ignore the pain and go on.
I'm so incredibly angry with myself for having "everything" someone could want, but I can't even be happy about it. I'm concerned I'm harming my unborn baby with all this stress and sadness. I'm scared I'm a burden to the people I love and a liability for my job. Worst of all, I believe I am doing the most selfish thing possible by knowingly bringing an innocent baby into the world that I will not be (at least emotionally) fit to care for.
Posting this is kind of a poorly-aimed shot in the dark for me, but I just need... I don't know... Words of wisdom, tough love, advice, to know that I'm not the only one. Thank you for reading.